tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24885059227297407572024-03-19T05:00:09.936-06:00Not the Life I ChoseWe are a supportive community for women whose husbands or boyfriends have turned out to be sex offenders.
We know how you feel and what you're going through. Please join us. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12497325675147630160noreply@blogger.comBlogger160125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-38099779546146226052021-09-11T11:56:00.014-06:002021-09-11T14:39:35.750-06:00We are NOT alone if we only...<p> Perhaps because, here in NV, I’ve often felt so isolated, so
siloed by prejudice against those labeled “sex-offenders” and so shamed as a
person who has chosen to stick with “my” SO, I began to reach out to find other individuals,
other organizations with people impacted by the same prejudice against me and mine.
Unfortunately, I have become aware of how siloed in our own little groups, how
prejudiced, many of us are.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For example, few seem to realize that if they live in one of
20 states + the Feds where involuntary civil commitment “treatment facilities”
exist (to see if you live in one of the 20 states/ the Feds go to <a href="http://www.cure-sort.org/">www.cure-sort.org</a> or educate yourself about
involuntary civil commitment request their brochure). Registrants in these 20 states + the Feds don’t seem to know that if revoked on the Registry (with or without a
new sex related conviction) they can be held, forensically evaluated as
“likely” to be dangerous to themselves or another person at some unspecified
point in the future, forensically labeled SVP (sexually Violent Preditor) and based solely on a prediction they can be, not imprisoned for a set length of time but, instead, sent
directly to one of the state’s “treatment”
facilities and indefinitely detained “likely” forever. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SPV, you say? Well, they deserve what they get. “My” guy is
better-than. “Those SVP’s” they ought to be indefinitely detained. Anyone who
would choose to stick with an SVP is… Reminds me of standing in line at the
prison and having to keep quiet about “your” loved one’s sex-related conviction
for fear of blow-back from the better-than-crowd. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is one NV group that seems to have over come their
prejudice, their “my guy is better than” syndrome, <span style="color: #222222;">The
Friends and Family of Incarcerated Persons ( <a href="mailto:FFIP.NV@gmail.com">FFIP.NV@gmail.com</a>
) is now Prison Families Alliance (PFA). <a href="https://prisonfamiliesalliance.org/" target="_blank">https://PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org</a> Message
phone: </span><span style="background: rgb(250, 250, 250); color: #5b5e5e; font-family: Lora; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 107%;">(702) 763-1389</span><span style="color: #222222;">.</span> FFIP NV is attempting to get out of the silo and
go national. They have a monthly Calendar with a Support for Families of “sex-offenders”
zoom group with people from all over the US.
Family and friends are welcome whatever state you live in.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">No, I’m not suggesting you stop what you are doing against
the Registry restrictions. No, I’m not suggesting leave your local Fearless
Group, or any group if you have one, not suggesting you leave NARSOL <cite><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://narsol.org/"><span style="font-style: normal;">https://</span>narsol<span style="font-style: normal;">.org</span></a>
</span></cite>or WAR <cite><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://ww1.womenagainstregistry.org/"><span style="font-style: normal;">https://ww1.</span>womenagainstregistry<span style="font-style: normal;">.org</span></a> </span></cite>or ACSOL <cite><span style="font-family: "Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><a href="https://all4consolaws.org/"><span style="font-style: normal;">https://all4consolaws.org</span></a> </span></cite>or a group fighting against terrible prison conditions, <a href="https://perilouschronicle.com/">https://perilouschronicle.com</a>. Maybe Google and watch videos at Cure National cure@curenational.org) check out CAGE <a href="mailto:ladyjusticemyth@gmail.com">ladyjusticemyth@gmail.com</a>
an organization against phone stings or contact Sherri Harlow <a href="mailto:thoughtasweak@yahoo.com">thoughtasweak@yahoo.com</a>? <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I ’m just saying we all need to climb out of our silos. We all
have skin in the game in more ways than we realize. There are allies out there, people we can
help and who can help us grow to critical mass and, together, we will be able
to effect real change. But first we need to examine ourselves and recover from our own “better-than”
prejudice, reach out and add our strength to theirs. So next time you hear that
some sister-group in your state, maybe EndMSOP in MN ( <span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.the/">www.the</a> </span><a href="http://voicesofocean.net/" target="_blank"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif;">voicesofocean.net</span></a>
) is going to hand out Brochures against involuntary civil commitment at the
state fair, grab your own brochures and hand out in solidarity with them. It
will lessen the pain of isolation and, together, we will all be better able to
attack the injustice each of us faces every day. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-57965236460146509772020-10-22T13:21:00.004-06:002020-10-22T13:21:39.538-06:00Never heard of Involuntary Civil Commitment? A rose by any other name is still a prison <p> 20 states, the District of Columbia and the Federal System place people accused of sex related crimes in Involuntary Civil Commitment. (<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Arizona, California, Florida, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia, Washington, and Wisconsin) and the District of Columbia have enacted laws permitting the </span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">civil commitment</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> of those forensically evaluated as "dangerous.")</span></p><p>These states get around having to respect peoples rights under the constitution by claiming Involuntary Civil Commitment "Facilities" are not prisons and therefore are not "punishment" for the sex offenders forensically "evaluated" and sent there sometimes before they have even been actually convicted of any sex related crime. But adjudicated or unadjudicated the legislatures in these 20 states have statutes which allow "Forensic" Psychological evaluators to label inmates of these facilities as SVP (sexually violent predators) and other "diagnosis" which conform to the legislative construct rather than to any actual DSM psychiatric diagnosis (the American Psychiatric Association has come out against these state sponsored forensic "diagnosis" as Unethical) </p><p>Dennis Doren who, as they say "wrote the bible" <u>Evaluating Sex Offenders, A Manual for Civil Commitment and Beyond</u>, admits his made-up diagnostic labels are unethical (because they don't diagnose any real problem. They just claim someone may be "dangerous to themselves or others and may commit unidentified action in future. But, never the less Doren urges more "forensic evaluators" to get on board (it's a very lucrative field) These dangerous faux-evaluations keep/ send people with sex related convictions (or presumed future actions) inside non-prisons even after they've served their prison sentences. For those of us "on the registries" in one of the 20 states, it also means that should your loved one be deemed to have violated the rules and restrictions of the Registry, they might not be sent back to prison, but could be sent to one of these Involuntary Civil Commitment "facilities. </p><p>But these "facilities do not require a conviction or term of incarceration. Simply put, anyone sent to Involuntary Civil Commitment is incarcerated only with a Forensic Label NO life , no life-with-out sentence required: the forensic evaluations labels mean your loved one has an sentence of "Indefinite Detention. Put plainly, people are more likely to "be set free" in a pine box than to actually live to be set free from one of these involuntary civil commitment "facilities". </p><p>Please download and READ the report : Treatment Industrial Complex: How for profit prison corporations are undermining efforts to treat and rehabilitate Prisoners for corporate gain. (ufsc.org/sites/default/files/documents/TIC-report-online.pdf ) Or for more information please contact American Friends Service Committee ( clsaacs@afc.org.org ) or (520) 623-9141 </p><p>I once thought just getting rid of prejudice against us and our families / finally making it off parole/ off state Registries was what family and friends on the "outside" needed to strive for but more states than "just" these 20 states have passed legislation enabling the spread of "Involuntary Civil Commitment" so perhaps to your state is next on the for-profit list using incarceration and faux therapy of human beings as a means not to make anyone "safe" but as an ever broadening income stream and a means of pleasing "stockholders" at our expense? </p><p><br /></p>Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-25777689272291326452020-03-07T18:41:00.000-07:002020-03-07T18:55:37.138-07:00Isolation kills even years and years later,Even after you've been "on the registry" with your "significant other" for as long as I have been.<br />
I guess I just forgot how many others are coming up, having to deal with the labeling and the shunning, the prejudice that ignites lynch mobs and makes even family members turn against each other. Today I got an email from a woman whose husband is just starting the (endless) legal process from arrest to conviction to the Registry. I tried to reach out and offer some comfort. I try to provide some help to frightened people just experiencing the "knock on the door." and frightened of what comes next. I try not to be too blunt about the "system." They need encouragement to face what comes next. To face the education they are about to receive about how the "system" really works.<br />
<br />
I've (and my husband) have been "on the registry" for years now. My husband was convicted in 1976 just after her returned from Vietnam. When he got out of prison there wasn't even a "Registry." just the usual parole supervision which worked pretty well to protect children and help people change.<br />
<br />
But, after all these years of "social isolation" it's still lonely. Oh, I have good friends, some of whom "know" but most I met at work or in other situations where I was living a sort of compartmentalized life. "On the registry" friends in one segment of your life know only your public "self." I have other friends who only know my husband has been in prison (a shaming enough admission for some to decide they didn't want to know me/us)<br />
<br />
People you like and trust in one setting may turn against you if they know about the other "compartment" of your life (most have no idea what it means to "be on the registry." They rely on the prejudices they learned in the middle class society to "judge" people like us.) Even people whom I thought weren't prejudiced look at me differently when they learn my husband's on parole. Taking a chance on losing the few friends you have by "telling" your husband's not just a parolee but a Registrant is pretty scary and often a risk I don't want to take.<br />
<br />
My husband is still on the Registry at 76. We still have monthly "visits" from Parole Officers and monthly visits to the Office of Parole and Probation. (He says he's tired of training newby parole officers) He's required to renew his drivers license every year.This year he had to get a "Real ID" / driver's license because the deadline to get a "Real ID "is Oct. 2020. Luckily, we already had certified copies of most of the paperwork (birth certificates, etc.) I dread to think what other registrants will go through if they are homeless/ just out of prison etc. or if they have to contact another state for their documents and must do that before some date set by P&P or risk being violated and sent back to prison ( in this state any violation is a felony carrying a 6 year sentence)<br />
<br />
Because NV went from a risk based tier system to a system (the Adam Walsh Act) a system that assigns tiers based solely upon original conviction 2 years ago, my 76 year old husband suddenly went from tier 2 up to tier 3. This means he must go to the Sheriffs Dept and check in and give his fingerprints every 90 day (counting from his DOB)<br />
<br />
Now that we're both "retired" we manage to get by but our financial situation would be a lot better if he had been allowed to work and earn without all the restrictions imposed by the Registry.<br />
We manage but we still must live in a parole and probation "approved" location and the rents here, as in most places around the country, are going up and up. If we can't live here, not only will we have to find a place we can afford, but a place they will allow us to live (and HUD will not allow "offenders" or those with any felony conviction in any senior citizens housing. God help the homeless "registrant" )<br />
<br />
You say, So What? He (and YOU) deserve what you get.<br />
You say children's safety matters.<br />
I agree. No child's safety is expendable.<br />
<br />
But there has got to be a better way than this endless piling on, this endless punishing isolation.<br />
<br />Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-44441359469250480382019-07-31T13:31:00.002-06:002019-07-31T13:31:58.505-06:00The stigma attached to reporting abuse<h3 class="post-title entry-title" style="color: #212121; float: left; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-size: 22px; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 8px; max-width: 762px;">
I recently published my memoir but sometimes I feel like I felt when I went to school and showed teachers my bruises and was ignored
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There is still a huge stigma attached to "telling" and it's alive and well in spite of #MeToo" Although the memoir Silenced Lives, the Sex Offender's Legacy received good recommendations and several people bought and tread the book, they report they found it hard to read "heavy" was the word they used because it was about 4 generations of abuse running through my family. </div>
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I don't know if they are too soft hearted to read about child abuse, or if they find themselves triggered from their own experiences. Maybe, like me, they were told " just don't think about it." But as you and people who search for "not the Life" because they are in need of support, just don't think about it solves nothing and, unfortunately, it helps the generational cycle of abuse to continue. <span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16px; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;">Several women who read the book, found it very valuable but spoiler alert, for some it triggered rememberance of their own experience. They told me they too were raped either as children or as young adults. One woman said she had only ever told 4 people including me. </span><br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
<span style="font-weight: 700;"></span><i style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;"></i><u style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;"></u><span style="bottom: -2.35px; font-size: 9.4px; line-height: 0px; position: relative; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="font-size: 9.4px; line-height: 0px; position: relative; top: -4.7px; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><strike style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;"></strike><br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
If you bought and read the book Silenced Lives maybe you would share some feedback? Or even leave a review on Amazon? (please buy the book using Amazon Smile so your favorite non-profit charity also reaps some benefit.)<br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
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I think sexual abuse is so embedded in our society that most people do not want to see how wide spread and how crippling it can be for both boys and girls and how much sexual violence silences us all (unless of course you are rich and "above the law" then it is apparently a means of demonstrating you are one of the big boys at the top of the family or at the top of the social heap. I was really shocked at the recent hearings to confirm the Supreme Court vacancy. I thought we had come further toward justice...and no, I don't think revenge is justice. I don't agree with the US Olympic team's "performance" in court against their coach. But that's another topic.<br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
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For those of us who have heard the knock at the door and had all social connections stripped away (along with a family member we love) we know what it means to suddenly discover our family is "expendable."<br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
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I recently read a book called Lost Connections which describes how our social "selves" are stripped away and we are set adrift at the know upon the door (followed after prison) by the 900,000+ public Sex Offender Registry whose sole purpose doesn't seem to be to protect children but to keep everyone from ever regaining a productive place in work and society. <br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
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The problem with stripping us of all our connections especially when the "perpetrator" is a sex-curious minor is that the whole system is bent upon making the rest of their lives "a an example" in order to feed those employed by "justice system."<br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
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I don't believe, "once a perpetrator, always a perpetrator." I think if we are willing to listen, if we intervene early, if our intervention is healing and not just purposely destructive we have a chance of breaking the transgenerational cycle of abuse that harmed 4 generations of my family.<br style="clear: none; display: inline; font-stretch: 100%; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px;" />
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Oh, yes and if we allow ourselves to be "trauma informed" and stop averting our eyes when a 4th grader shows up in short sleeves in order to display her bruises.... Take care, Janet Mackie </div>
Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-56270317301381983872019-05-14T12:17:00.002-06:002019-05-14T12:25:20.391-06:00Silenced Lives was hard for me to write but it taught me so much about myself and how it was that the cycle of child sexual abuse harmed so many in my family. Please read Silenced Lives and join me in speaking out in order to protect the next generation of children. join me in vowing No More Victims. <div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-left: -4.5pt; text-align: center; text-indent: -13.5pt;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <b style="text-indent: -13.5pt;"><i><span lang="EN" style="color: #2f5496; font-family: "spectral";">Silenced Lives:</span></i></b></span></div>
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<b><i><span lang="EN" style="color: #2f5496; font-family: "spectral";"><span style="font-size: large;">The Sex Offender’s Legacy</span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b><span lang="EN" style="color: #2f5496; font-family: "spectral"; font-size: 14.0pt;">By Janet Mackie<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span lang="EN" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "spectral"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Book Summary</span></b><b><span lang="EN" style="color: #073763; font-family: "spectral"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></b><b><span lang="EN" style="color: #434343; font-family: "spectral"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "spectral";"><u>Silenced Liives</u></span></i><span style="font-family: "spectral";"><u> </u>is a memoir that takes courage to write.
Author Janet Mackie shares family stories exposing a pattern of child sexual
abuse that surfaced over a hundred years ago on a Nebraska farm, when Mackie’s
bullied and abused Great Uncle Andrew was “disappeared” by his brother Paw Paw.
The incident is silenced but Andrew’s grieving mother banishes Paw Paw and his
devout wife to Black Tower. Once there, Paw Paw bullies and abuses their
children, Mackie’s 5-year-old father among them. Mackie’s angry and
resentful father survives to marry, then abuses Mackie and her brothers. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">Powerless to protect,
Mackie’s grandmother advises, “Just don’t think about ‘it.’” Mackie, called her
mother’s “most stubborn little girl,” blots out her experience and manages to
survive childhood only to marry a man “strangely like her father.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">In turn, Mackie’s
daughter survives her father’s sexual abuse but also marries a controlling man
“strangely like her father.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">Finally freed by her
father’s death, Mackie sets out to discover “Why me? Why my family?” Her deftly
written, engaging stories illustrate how, over time, abuse can create abuse
that cycles forth to harm generations as yet unborn unless we, too, gather
courage and speak out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN" style="color: #1c4587; font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">Praise for <i>Silenced
Lives <o:p></o:p></i></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">“Janet Mackie has indeed crafted a most
compelling read. Her book is, in essence, a family saga, replete with abuse,
horror, love, secrecy and regret. She convincingly argues that child sexual
abuse can pervade ongoing generations with its destruction unless it is brought
out of secrecy, acknowledged and addressed. In a most unique way, she is able
to weave the stories of those who have endured sexual abuse at the hands of a
family member with those who perpetrated the abuse. In so doing she is able to
impart to the reader both understanding and compassion for all involved. This
is a profoundly personal and intimate look at a family who has been affected by
the cycle of abuse. However, in telling these stories she has provided the
reader with a clear picture of what is at stake and how we might move forward
so that future generations will not continue to suffer.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">-- <b>Kate Thomas, Ph.D., Director of Clinical
Services, The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">More Praise for <i>Silenced
Lives <o:p></o:p></i></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">“Reading like a novel, this book shines a bright
light deep into the dark recesses of child sexual exploitation. It also starts
to unravel the bewildering inter-generational aspects of this phenomenon.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">--<b> Charles M. McGee, Sr. District Judge; Second Judicial District Court, State of
Nevada, Washoe County <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">“<i>Silenced
Lives</i> is a beautifully written, raw personal account of the
transgenerational effects of sexual abuse. Thank you, Janet Mackie, for your
courage in sharing your voice to make a difference for others.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; font-size: large;">-- <b>Dr. Nancy B. Irwin, PsyD, C.Ht. </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A book like Silenced Lives,...by veteran social worker Janet Mackie, is long overdue. Until now, the public has never had concrete proof that the silent-shame cycle of sexual abuse is responsible for churning out victims, offenders, and enablers generation after generation. Now there can be no doubt. Many “experts” on sexual abuse deny that abuse causes abuse. Perhaps they want to reassure survivors that we are not in danger of becoming “monsters.” And they are right that most survivors do not go on to abuse. Still, a disproportionate number of sex offenders were sexually abused as children. Mackie doesn’t let this seeming paradox distract her from writing about the actual dynamics and facts of inherited abuse. In Silenced Lives, Mackie puts a human face on sex offenders, survivors, and enablers by inviting us into her family’s legacy of “hand-me-down” pain. Mackie was intimately violated by people who were violated by people who were violated by ... and so on. Mackie proves that one generation’s abuse caused the next generation’s abuse when she depicts idiosyncratic similarities of the abuse rituals that were handed down from one perpetrator to the next. Silenced Lives shows sex offenders hiding away in shame—the very shame they act out during their crimes. If they dared seek help, no one would help them anyway since conventional wisdom is, “Once a sex offender, always a sex offender.” They are considered monsters beyond redemption. Meanwhile, the survivors in Silenced Lives get the message that if they were abused, something must be wrong with them. They are told, “We don’t talk about such things.” So, they don’t get the help they need either. Those who suspect or know of abuse don’t want to get tainted by the shame associated with it, so they remain silent. And the secret abuse continues. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Like Mackie, I was sexually abused as a child. Unlike Mackie, however, I chose to act out the secret shame by perpetrating a sex crime of my own. I don’t blame what I did on what happened to me. I made a choice. However, if I had been able to read Silenced Lives before I let my life get totally out of control, I would have understood the cause of my rape fantasies. Both I and the person I harmed might have escaped the cycle. Better late than never. That’s not what you’ll be saying about the ending of “Silenced Lives,” though. Painful as the family legacy is, Mackie writes so well you’ll want to keep reading even after “the end.” And that’s as it should be, because, as Silenced Lives makes clear, we are a long way from “the end” of the cycle of abuse. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>– Paul Hanley, author of Roller Coaster to Hell and Back: A True Story of Sexual Abuse and New Hope.</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Available now on Amazon.com. </span></b><br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "spectral"; line-height: 115%;">Until I inherited the dusty box of family letters, photos, and memories
that form the basis of my memoir <i>Silenced
Lives: The Sex Offender’s Legacy,</i> I too thought child molestation was a personal family tragedy to be quarantined by silence and shame. I didn't realize that the child sexual abuse that so grievously affected my own family, the abuse that made me angrily assert "This is not the Life I Chose" (and it wasn't) however abuse is not a historic just appearing out of nowhere but can be traced, at least in my family, down 4 generations. Only by speaking out can any of us break the pattern and ensure the safety of generations to come. </span></span><br />
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-65525410898006638292019-01-13T04:30:00.000-07:002019-01-13T04:30:08.088-07:00Blame the Mother: And speaking of friendship: someone who needs friendship... What do you think? There but for the grace of.... Please comment<div class="asset-content p402_premium subscriber-premium" itemprop="articleBody" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">
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<img alt="Melinda Maloney" src="https://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/idahostatejournal.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/f/51/f519df4e-636f-5791-9679-6801f1ddcaef/5be47f0ad8d7e.image.jpg?resize=400%2C500" /></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/Jail,%20probation%20for%20Meridian%20social%20worker%20who%20didn't%20report%20daughter's%20...%20https://www.idahopress.com/...meridian-social-worker.../article_02fdaff9-a21b-52d7-b3..">A Meridian Idaho woman who failed to report the sexual abuse of her daughter by her husband will spend 19 days in jail as a result, as well as two years on probation.</a></div>
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Melinda Maloney, 46, pleaded guilty Wednesday morning to one count of failure to report child abuse, a misdemeanor. As a result of that plea agreement, attorneys from the Ada County Prosecuting Attorney’s Office asked 4th District Court Judge Daniel Steckel to dismiss the other charge Maloney faced, which was destruction of evidence.</div>
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Maloney is married to Craig Maloney, 47, a former Meridian veterinarian who in October was sentenced to up to 40 years in prison for the decade-long sexual abuse of his stepdaughter — Melinda Maloney’s biological daughter — from the time the girl was 4 until she was 14.</div>
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In the spring of last year, the girl told her mother about the sexual abuse, but Melinda Maloney, despite being a social worker and a mandatory reporter, did not report the abuse, she admitted in court Tuesday. <a href="https://www.idahopress.com/news/local/how-one-treasure-valley-girl-reported-a-decade-of-sexual/article_d61a4af5-642f-5b1f-95fc-f390535d1739.html" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #a20002; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">Eight months later the girl told her father</a>, who called the police and initiated the investigation that ended with the arrest of both Craig and Melinda Maloney, <a href="https://www.idahopress.com/news/local/wife-of-meridian-vet-guilty-in-molestation-case-is-charged/article_c58a019f-cf01-5e00-9161-a314bf44746f.html" style="background-color: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #a20002; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">who was arrested in September</a>.</div>
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When asked why Melinda Maloney did not report the abuse, Katelyn Farley, one of the case’s prosecutors, in court Tuesday said the woman replied she “was going through a custody battle and did not want it to affect her business.”</div>
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“That person who was supposed to help (the victim), who was supposed to protect her, did not,” Farley said.</div>
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<b>Dennis Benjamin, Melinda’s attorney, pointed out Melinda Maloney forced her husband to move out of the house when she became aware of the abuse.</b></div>
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<b>“She did fail to report it, but she took steps to protect her children,” Benjamin said.</b></div>
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<b>One of the reasons for the plea agreement, the prosecutor told Steckel, was the 14-year-old girl’s reluctance to testify in court against her mother. Instead, prosecutors asked Steckel to sentence Melinda Maloney to 19 days in jail, as well as to pay a $250 fine, with another $250 possible if she does not comply with her unsupervised two-year probation.</b></div>
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Melinda Maloney is also under investigation by the Idaho Board of Social Work Examiners because of her failure to report the abuse.</div>
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Tommy Simmons is the Ada County public safety reporter for the Idaho Press. Follow him on Twitter @tsimmonsipt<br />
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Jail, probation for Meridian social worker who didn't report daughter's ...</h3>
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<cite class="iUh30" style="color: #006621; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; padding-top: 1px;">https://www.idahopress.com/...meridian-social-worker.../article_02fdaff9-a21b-52d7-b3...</cite></div>
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<span class="st" style="line-height: 1.4; overflow-wrap: break-word;"><span class="f" style="color: grey;">Nov 7, 2018 - </span>In the spring of last year, the girl told her mother about the sexual abuse, but Melinda Maloney, despite being a <span style="color: #6a6a6a; font-weight: bold;">social worker</span> and a mandatory ..</span></div>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-56636338142758118212019-01-12T07:30:00.000-07:002019-01-12T07:30:12.204-07:00For those of us who are still too afraid to build relationships after the knock on the door, 2019 is time to "unfreeze"? Time to find ways to get started again.? Search the internet, find a team you can play for that does not insist on judging you by the worst thing that happened in your life (and the decisions you have made since then)? Oh, I know, most o those around you (at work or maybe even at Church, perhaps in your neighborhood will continue to be acquaintances you will still hold at arms length because you knw how prejudiced they are however if you can count 3 friends who know the whole truth, who can be there for you even when you need to complain about how the parole officer wrecked your house the last time they came, or tell the truth to about how the real facts of your everyday life...well post here on Not the Life and tell me, tell us all how you went about/ what changes in your thinking made it possible to make friends with that friend.<table bgcolor="#eaf3f4" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="m_7556561950843028109em_full_wrap" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; width: 100%px;"><tbody>
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<tr><td align="center" class="m_7556561950843028109em_img1" style="border-collapse: collapse; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3D62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab%26id%3Dc1bb5027a3%26e%3D04529b2446&source=gmail&ust=1546965035031000&usg=AFQjCNF43wIeGIKRdAc20O6GXD0L3eJahA" href="https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u=62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab&id=c1bb5027a3&e=04529b2446" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #1155cc; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank"><img alt="" border="0" class="m_7556561950843028109em_img CToWUd" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhJ0TvW46DosDXGgQwUerivlzHEffJJMPrHz04ro_1pcKgqIdAedh61DZ7_JG7X67q7bhdstr5nnzVw7vxjb3toDjEZ2BM0emXJEbsa64BHm07zCt9WZ4To134EH9ey235xCih2JjQ25EuquJB9cqZZCfbigRHLk5Off1_MzxW_eytjVJbnNprtOrNWT0nn20H3pQGt11rbMVjh9WXcuRPB-OnG4PvxSg=s0-d-e1-ft" style="border: 0px !important; color: black; display: block; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 24px; line-height: 30px; margin: 0px; max-width: 600px; outline: none !important; padding: 0px;" /></a></td></tr>
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<tr><td align="center" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Roboto, RobotoDraft, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; margin: 0px;" valign="top"><table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="m_7556561950843028109em_main_table" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 600px;"><tbody>
<tr><td align="center" bgcolor="#ffffff" class="m_7556561950843028109em_padall" style="border-collapse: collapse; margin: 0px; padding: 57px 70px 57px 75px;" valign="top"><table align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 100%px;"><tbody>
<tr><td align="left" class="m_7556561950843028109em_skyblue" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #05bbd0; font-family: Merriweather, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 26px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 28px; margin: 0px; padding-bottom: 20px;" valign="top">Dear Mindful Readers,</td></tr>
<tr><td align="left" class="m_7556561950843028109em_black2 m_7556561950843028109em_btm" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 22px; margin: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px;" valign="top">A new year provides a chance to reflect on the aspects of your life you want to strengthen—and for many of us, that includes checking in on the constellation of relationships we’ve cultivated over the years. Whether it be with your friends, family, coworkers, or partner, here are three ways to build stronger relationships in 2019:<br /><br /><strong>1. Recognize your true friends.</strong> Making friends is tough—and a true friend should never be taken for granted. But sometimes, the people you hold close may not be treating you the way you deserve. Explore these <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3D62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab%26id%3D89174c632b%26e%3D04529b2446&source=gmail&ust=1546965035032000&usg=AFQjCNHc0acod5Bpj0g23xBLWAO5tbxFhA" href="https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u=62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab&id=89174c632b&e=04529b2446" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #05bbd0; font-style: italic;" target="_blank">six signs of a strong friendship</a> to discover all the ways a friend can enrich your life.<br /><br /><strong>2. Listen to what’s being said. </strong>We’ve all caught ourselves tuning out midway through a conversation, either to prepare our response, tackle our mental to-do list, or even *gasp* check a phone notification. But failing to listen to what’s being said deprives our relationships of value and impedes connection. Try these <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3D62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab%26id%3D744658b3fc%26e%3D04529b2446&source=gmail&ust=1546965035032000&usg=AFQjCNFLmnmHu6XBS-IbqkGZ37ykxy4Uag" href="https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u=62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab&id=744658b3fc&e=04529b2446" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #05bbd0; font-style: italic;" target="_blank">five key mindful listening techniques</a> to give your full attention in the next conversation you have.<br /><br /><strong>3. Know when to forgive.</strong> It’s nearly impossible to foster a relationship with someone if you harbor feelings of distrust or uncertainty toward them. While you may not have the ability to forget what’s happened, you always have the power to forgive those who have hurt you. Follow <a data-saferedirecturl="https://www.google.com/url?q=https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u%3D62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab%26id%3D131ac79e3b%26e%3D04529b2446&source=gmail&ust=1546965035032000&usg=AFQjCNHVG9JN3F84KQtz6ItbT2EyCsb0MQ" href="https://mindful.us17.list-manage.com/track/click?u=62a1db74d9bc2cb70470718ab&id=131ac79e3b&e=04529b2446" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #05bbd0; font-style: italic;" target="_blank">this guided meditation</a> to make amends with both yourself and others.<br /><br />Here’s hoping you all find moments to enjoy being mindful this week.<br /><br />With warmest wishes,<br />The Mindful Team</td></tr>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-73224316909589376752018-12-25T07:30:00.000-07:002018-12-25T07:31:23.857-07:00Christmas Greetings, May the New Year be better than the last I wanted to reach out to those of you who (like me) feel isolated and set apart from your neighbors and even often times from family and friends by the label and condemnation affixed to those related to people in prison or whose names are on the Registry. Did you know there are over 900,000 names on sex offender registries nationwide? So how many wives, children, family members are out here or standing in line at some prison or afraid of being fired if someone vengeful finds out our stubborn connection to a loved one, a family member or to a child harmed by not only by circumstance but by the justice system.<br />
<br />
We are not alone. But we have been shamed and silenced and separated from each other. I wanted to post this on Not the Life I chose to let you know I too feel alone and lonely but I know you are out there, you understand, you also are dealing with collateral damage and you are continuing to deal with prejudice, labels, and the fear of being rejected once again. So we spend time searching the internet for blogs like Not the Life, we stand in line, we comfort our children and find strength in eachother.<br />
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We are still strong for each other. Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-86053286358358156952018-10-20T07:30:00.000-06:002018-10-20T07:30:16.355-06:00The most important question is NOT "Do I still love him? (in spite of all this)This website is a place to share. It's not usual that events on a national stage hit so close to home but I, like many of you, watched Christine Blasey Ford's testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee on national TV. I also watched Brett Kavanaugh's heated denials.<br />
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My thoughts were with Kavanaugh's wife. She, like many of us on Not the Life, may have found the whole tears, anger, denial circus sadly familiar. Maybe not. Luckily for her, the committee voted for her husband's version of events. But she must know her husband pretty well (or has come to the conclusion that she doesn't know her husband at all.) In any case she has a long road ahead. <br />
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On the other side of the political spectrum, Hilary Clinton says that, years ago, when she was forced to decide whether or not to leave Bill Clinton over his infidelities with Monica Lewinski (et. al.) she asked herself what she says is the most important question: "Do I still love him?"<br />
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I beg to differ. When faced with this impossible choice, even if we tell ourselves "Yes I still love him" we have to ask ourselves, "Does this person deserve my love?" Is this person now (or willing to become) honest/ trustworthy? Is he into "victim blaming" Does he expect me to follow along lockstep with his version of events in spite of what I know about his proclivities/weaknesses, (perhaps his drinking, his bullying, his other betrayals?)<br />
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When we can say "Yes" with a clear conscience to the second question: "Yes, he worthy of my love?" then, and only then, can we decide the question "Should we stay? Or should we go?" <br />
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And proceed down the long difficult road set before us.<br />
<br />Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-76740441478040325612018-09-15T07:30:00.000-06:002018-09-15T07:30:00.699-06:00The man who molested my children died last night He died unrepentant, blaming others, spouting lies. In the end he was trapped in his own denial, unable to find a new path, unable to change even if he'd wanted to. His adamant denial painted him into a corner from which he never dared escape. He went to meet his maker still attacking those he betrayed, still calling them "liar," still denying harms he'd committed, still denying responsibility for his actions. His narrative insisted he was the "real" victim pilloried by an "unfair" system. Nothing he had ever done was as bad as what "they" had done to him. His faithful defenders took up his refrain. They attacked and silenced all those who questioned his version blaming everyone but him. They needed to believe his protestations of "innocence" in order to escape the shame and blame that accrues to family members, in order to escape collateral damage.<br />
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After all these years, I don't know whether to mourn or celebrate his passing. I feel angry but mostly I feel sad that he saved all his sympathy for himself. He chose to inflict the same harm he once suffered in his childhood, upon his own children who trusted him. Even after his "memorial" service, his betrayals, his denials, continue to divide family members who must fall silent in each other's presence. We "keep the peace" fearing, should we speak out, there will be an attack from across the divide his actions and his denials continue to create. Thus the wounds he inflicted cycle on in this family even after his death. <br />
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For with death, all chance he might someday say, "Sorry" or make difficult amends passes with him. In death, he too lost all opportunity to choose change, grow past his own "bad childhood," gain self-respect, recover and, in the process, put paid to his own trauma and help us all heal from festering wounds he inflicted.<br />
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Instead, with his ever-shifting denials, he unwittingly painted himself into a corner from which he couldn't escape. His poor-me stories gathered a group of staunch believers/ intrepid defenders. In his defense, they ruthlessly and self-righteously went on the attack. Even had he wanted to speak the truth, acknowledge harms done, change, recover, he dared not. After all, he'd lied to his defender's too. In doing so he betrayed their trust just as he'd betrayed the trust of the children who once trusted him not to take sexual advantage of their vulnerability. They wouldn't take kindly to knowing his stories had made fools of them, his lies had betrayed them too. How could they avoid shame and blame after defending him to the bitter end?<br />
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Thus, he'd glued himself in place. He had to stick by his lies if, for no other reason to continue in the good graces "protectors." prevent them from turning on him. He couldn't tell the truth, couldn't grow, couldn't experience a change of heart or reach out to make amends to victims. So bought into their own role as "blameless defenders" his "saviors." If he admitted the truth, showed remorse, changed with age, they'd have been forced to see themselves differently also. What if in their quest to be seen as blameless in front of the neighbors, they abandoned him?<br />
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So, for whatever reason, he never admitted to truths necessary to seek change. Even after his death, his lies live on, assume a toxic afterlife. Family members still take sides, attack each other across the divide. His "saviors" repeat his version: He's their martyr. Others, struggle on, "keeping the Peace," with their own truth still trapped, silenced by fear of more attacks. <br />
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Should silence cease and truth rear it's ugly head, what would become of family then?<br />
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He's gone but t's not over. Why not take the easy way? Why not tiptoe off in silence now that he's dead? Why speak up now? Why post this blog on Not the Life?<br />
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Because this is not the Life I thought I was choosing when we two married. Because this family is drifting furth and further apart in the Silence. What about the next generation of my family? He harmed his children in the same ways he was harmed as a child. Even in death, the silenced legacy of sexual abuse cycles on in this family. Lies fester. <br />
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Overcoming fear, speaking out, reaching out, matters because, (as I have learned on Not the Life,) sharing the truth has power to heal us all regardless which 'side' we're on. Speaking out means we have an opportunity to discover the 3rd path, find healing, find a restorative justice. Staying silent only extends the harms done.<br />
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Perhaps if my Ex had dared admit the truth sooner, perhaps restorative justice might have restored him as well as the separated parts of this family. It might have offered him a path back and given him a real opportunity to exit the "corner' he'd painted himself (and this family.) He might have made a new life before death took away his opportunity for change.<br />
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Did females in his family insist upon his claim of "innocence" because in their heart of hearts they believed "Once a sex offender, always a sex offender"? Did they stifle the truth, attack his victims, because they believed no one "like that"could ever change<span style="background-color: rgba(246, 213, 217, 0.925);"></span>? If so, he kept up the charade and drank himself to death instead. <br />
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I wonder how many more families, quick to spring to the defense of a loved one after the police knocked on the door, fail to see that in their adamant defense of his "innocence,' they require their loved to stay stuck in denial for the rest of his life their sakes as much as for his?<br />
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Take care, Janet Mackie<br />
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<br />Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-58660302869648343352018-08-11T07:30:00.000-06:002018-08-11T07:30:02.077-06:00Ever wonder How mob violence and 'COLLATERAL DAMAGE' "just happens?" Wonder why adding the indelible label "Rapist" to Mexican, triggers mob prejudice and justifies violence against all of us.<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Google "How Evil Happens" by Noga Arikha for the </span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">brain science answer to Why even family attacks us </span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">if we choose to stay after the Knock on the door...</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">It also may explain why recidivism is very low/ almost </span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">non-existent once our loved one (finally) released from</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">prison. It's a long (sort of 'technical) read' but if </span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">I understand </span></b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>what the article is telling us all, being bullied and</b></span><b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;"> coerced is what ultimately </span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">causes neurological change and has bad </span></b></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">consequences) </span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">down the road </span></b></span><b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">for us all. </span></b><b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">) </span></b><br />
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<b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">It also might help to explain the mob mentality exhibited at</span></b><br />
<b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">the 'show trial' of Larry Nasser. </span></b><br />
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<b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">And why my father was so obsessed with becoming a </span></b><br />
<b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">man just like his father, that he forgot to care about the </span></b><br />
<b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">damage he was inflicting and abused us just as his </span></b><br />
<b style="color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;"><span style="font-size: large;">father abused him as a child...</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="background-color: white; color: #006621; font-family: arial, sans-serif; white-space: nowrap;">https://aeon.co/essays/is-neuroscience-getting-closer-to-explaining-evil-behaviour; </span> </b>Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-64894965075022163902018-08-04T07:30:00.000-06:002018-08-04T07:30:06.919-06:00Some thoughts on ancient prejudices, collateral damage and healing. My 'take' on Larry Nasser's "Show trial": Revenge is not Justice even when the accused actually is guilty. To be just, Justice must not be a 'show trial' it must offer some means of "restoration" for the community at large, for the abused, those of us who experiencing collateral damage and, yes, even the abuser, Mob Justice/ revenge (perhaps especially against those who are guilty ) should not be used to rile everyone up, renew prejudice, and re-elect politicians Revenge is not justice and a “show trial” followed inevitably by a hanging "no matter what the circumstances" only convinces the lynch mob (and apparently the judge) that their prejudice about people who abuse ( “ once a...always a”) was right all along. It gives impetus to revenge and dead-end beliefs that say the only way to stop an "abuser" is to hang/incarcerate or place in Civil Commitment Forever-and-Ever. Collateral damage all around. The only way to 'help' is to cast the family out along with the abuser if we don't eagerly join the lynch mob.<br />
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But....<br />
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The old joke about a trial followed by a hanging (even when the person on trial probably is guilty,) does not lend itself to restorative justice or healing even for Larry Nasser's ‘victims’ who now have to remain forever labeled Larry Nassar’s “victims’ just to prove Larry Nassar is the forever “Monster’ the "justice system" says he is in order to continue to justify the 'hanging' that followed his trial., (After all if they manage to heal and become survivors who go on with their lives, how does that justify the continued prejudice that says "Once a...forever a..."? So they have to do their part and remain forever traumatized "Once a victim...always a victim"?<br />
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After what amounted to a show trial followed by a "death sentence" handed down by the judge, what abuser would dare raise his hand and ask for help? Won't such a vengeful 'justice" just scare off any and all abusers who might want help / who realize they are abusive and want to stop? And what family member will dare raise their hand and report after seeing what ‘justice’ is in store for weeping victims or even for abusers (some of whom they may still love?)<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Check out this story on USATODAY.com: </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7</span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> </span><br />
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After all, Nassar said he was molested as a child (#MeToo) I don’t believe that absolves him of his<span style="font-family: "calibri";"> choice to become and continue as an abuser. But wouldn’t it have been a far better outcome for him to have received help as a child/ or even as an adult? What if he'd felt free to have dared ask for help before or shortly after he began? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">For an abuser or an abused person or a family member to be brave enough to reach out for help before harm is done (or even shortly after) requires bravery in this present social climate. We live silenced lives in fear of being cast out should we acknowledge there is a (Silenced) problem if we ask for help or speak out about abuse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">But if someone ( especially Larry Nassar) had been able to break the silence and stop the abuse years ago, that would have saved the 200 some weeping victims? Wouldn't Breaking the Silence ( and being met by restorative justice instead fear of the lynch mob) have been better than supporting a </span>revenge<span style="font-family: "calibri";"> model of "justice" which Silences and ultimately<span style="background-color: #f6d5d9;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">allows more harm </span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">(even cycling </span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">from generation </span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">to generation as in my family)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">As family members, as children, as wives/</span>gf's/ mothers perhaps even past<span style="font-family: "calibri";">/ present victims, we are often caught in the middle. We have a unique perspective because we are the ones/ the families that the current system often also </span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">victimizes /</span>leaves<span style="font-family: "calibri";"> un-restored. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">What do you think? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span>Larry Nassar seeks resentencing, wants judge who signed his &#39;death </div>
<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">warrant&#39; off case<br /><br />Larry Nassar, through his court-appointed attorneys, has asked for a new <br />judge to sentence him, saying that Judge Rosemarie Aquilina was <br />&#39;admittedly not an unbiased and impartial judge.&#39;<br /><br />Check out this story on USATODAY.com: </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7</span></a><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman";">Take care, Janet Mackie</span>Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-79551011425737589702018-07-15T07:30:00.000-06:002018-07-15T07:30:19.022-06:00 Speaking of Hate Speach. Sticks and Stone may break our bones but it's those Loaded Words that wound us all the most...<div>
<b><span style="font-size: large;"> Before any of us dare break the Silence and begin to talk openly airing our side of the issue we need to find ways to refer to each other that don't further inflame the lynch mob. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I’m assuming the common ground we all advocate for is effective intervention and prevention? Or, at least, more kindness and less cruelty in word and deed all round? </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">and perhaps less collateral damage for wives, mothers, and families to deal with. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">We need to find new language (instead of just repeating the indelible labels such as Predator, Monster, Dangerous Sexual Psychopath. All of these indelible labels carry old baggage that only serves to inflame and re-energize lynch mobs, prosecutors, and the unthinking public. I believe we need to move from once a ("perpetrator")...forever a ( #$%^&) language that benefits no one and extinguishes hope. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Otherwise if we keep pounding each other with what sometimes amounts to hate speech, how will we move from punitive to restorative justice and work together reach our goal of preventing harm/ collateral damage to all concerned? </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">I’m concerned that the #MeToo movement, while it does break the silence, seems so into vengeance (#Time’s Up) etc. I’m glad women and men (and even children) are feeling powerful enough to speak up, break the silence but if we are only going to use old labels, scream at each other from across the prison yard and play hurtful Gotcha! in family gatherings, I doubt we will usher in the change we need to actually make a difference in our lives going forward. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Imagine if Larry Nasser, the coach for the girls Olympic Gymnastic team (who told the court he too had been molested as a child) had been more able/ motivated / felt safe enough to raise his hand as a little boy and say he had been molested. What if he had not been shamed into silence? What if he had asked for help and actually received real help before (or shortly after) he began to act? How many girls, how much harm would have been prevented not only to the girls but to himself? </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Instead, years later, we saw 50 girls molested, weeping and enraged as they testified at what was a Public Spectacle more than a real exercise injustice. Then the judge took the opportunity to pile on. </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">Punishment is not justice and it avails us nothing. It neither heals nor does it prevent.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Nasser will never see the light of day and those girls will forever be labeled "victim." In my judgment, Not a good outcome for either “side.” So they have 'saved' his "victims" and thrown him into the sh*t pile forever marked Predator. If he ever sees a parole board they will prbably just put him into some "Civil Commitment Facility." marked dangerous sexual psychopaths. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">As far as I'm concerned the 900,000 names currently listed on this country's Registry is a testimony to the sad fact that current methods have failed 900,000 times. But until we can sit down and openly speak to each other in non-inflammatory terms, until I feel safe enough to speak aloud, Restorative Justice and recovery will remain beyond anyone's reach. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">As some of you may remember, I have been writing a memoir tracing child sexual abuse down through 4 generations of my own family from pioneer times to the present.</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">I finally got it written. Now I'm in the process of getting 'blurbs' (recommendations) for the back cover and making final decisions like which title to use. </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">The title has morphed as I wrote and edited (and then corrected) the book which is a family saga tracing child sexual abuse through 4 generations of my family from Pioneer Days the present. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">At first, I thought the title should be <u>Treated Like a Girl</u> since both boys and girls in my family were molested and some went on to molest others in succeeding generations. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Then I tried <u>A Sex Offender's Wife, A Daughter's Life, A Mother's Voice Speaking Out.</u></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><u><br /></u> Then a beta reader who read the memoir (version 2000000) suggested <u>The Sex Offender's Legacy, Silenced Lives</u> and I settled on that. However every time law enforcement knocks on my door, I am treated to yet another personal experience of how wounding indelible labels are. The newer label "Sex Offender at least seems to carry less baggage. But </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;">how much collateral damage is done because we as a group, even those advocating for fairness and change have not found language to speak to each other human-being-to-human-being across the great divide that is the Sex Offender Registry? Because who knows what we are referring to when we say "registrant" or even "offender?" </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">In any case, The title of my completed memoir (I haven't yet loaded it onto Create Space) is </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><u>SILENCED LIVES, the Sex Offender's Legacy. </u></span></b>Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-39808345787960000652018-05-05T07:30:00.000-06:002018-05-07T08:43:22.235-06:00STEREOTYPING THAT DEHUMANIZES: Not the Life I Chose. Not the Label I Chose either. After the police knocked on my door. I became 'one of those women' who loved a sex offender; one of those women who visited a sex offender in prison; one of those women who lived right there so I must have known? At least that's what implicit bias and my (new) labels said <table style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; margin: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; width: 100%;">
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<a href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/SexualAbuseAJournalOfResearchAndTreatment/~3/7hHo4ZMW3K0/person-first-language-establishing.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email" name="1" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 18px;">Person-first language: Establishing a culture that transcends labels</a>
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<span style="font-size: 13px;">By </span><b style="font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-NZ">Gwenda Willis, PhD, Alissa Ackerman, <span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;">PhD</span></span>, & David Prescott, LICSW</span></b><br />
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>The joint MASOC/MATSA conference took place earlier this month in Marlborough, Massachusetts. In a presentation on establishing person-first language across the fields of sexual abuse treatment and prevention, we (Gwen and Alissa) began our session introducing ourselves by several of the labels we hold. Gwen introduced herself as New Zealander, wife, friend, colleague, researcher, clinical psychologist, ATSA member and advocate. Alissa followed with mother, wife, lesbian, friend, colleague, professor, ATSA member, public speaker, advocate, and survivor, among others.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>In this interactive presentation, we prompted attendees to explore the labels they use to describe themselves and the people they work with. Like us, attendees were spouses, parents, clinicians and advocates. Some were animal lovers and some were music lovers. All participants used positive labels to describe who they are. Next, we asked participants to describe who they work with and we explored which of these might not be self-selected by the very people we work with. Overwhelmingly, the labels we used to describe the individuals we work with were those that our clients might not use to describe themselves. Some of these labels included “victim”, “ex-prisoner”, “sexually violent person” and “offender”. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>Importantly, there was agreement that use of such labels in our field is widespread: beyond their use in everyday conversation, such language is rife in the names of treatment programs, agencies, professional organisations and academic publications. The American Psychological Association (APA), The National Association of Social Workers (NASW) and most professional organizations even tangentially related to our field articulate the need for person-first language in their Codes of Ethics, and yet in our field, we tend not to honor this need. Do we have an ethical dilemma? <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>As part of our presentation, we considered core ethical principles of helping professionals including respect for human dignity, professional integrity and beneficence and non-maleficence. We discussed how the “victim” and “survivor” labels might be self-selected by some people and not others, despite similar lived experiences. Similarly, we acknowledged that some individuals with pedophilic interests self-identify as “pedophiles” while other individuals with pedophilic interests would find the “pedophile” label repulsive. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>We cannot assume which labels people want to use to describe themselves and if we truly honor human dignity, we must call people by what they prefer to be called. It is a matter of basic respect. For example, in our introductions, Alissa used the label “lesbian” to describe herself, while Gwen did not, despite both of us being married to same-sex spouses. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>Discussion turned to the inaccuracies that normative labels such as “offender” and “abuser” portray – that anyone assigned such a label has the same (i.e., high) risk of reoffending. As professionals working to address misperceptions about sexual abuse we highlighted the importance of communicating accurately about individuals who have abused, in the hope that they will have opportunities to live safe, fulfilling and offense-free lives. We turned to labels with scientific validity, including “psychopath” and “pedophile”, and conversation returned to their potential to <span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;">stigmatises</span></span> and ostracise. Finally, we explored how labels might hinder the work we do to promote <span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;">desistance</span></span> from offending as well as healing from sexual abuse: What messages do the “offender” and “victim” labels communicate? Possibly that <i>this is how we see you. </i>In the criminological literature, <span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;">labelling</span></span><span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;"> theory suggests that the individuals internalize the labels we use to describe them and often live their lives accordingly. </span></span><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>How might we transcend potentially stigmatizing labels? We introduced person-first language as an alternative to potentially stigmatizing language, which separates the person (e.g., man, woman, young person, individual, child) from a condition, disorder or behavior (e.g., individual adjudicated for a sexual offense, people who have committed crimes of a sexual nature). <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>Labels are commonplace in every-day communication, and when self-selected they can aid communication. However, assigned to us, labels have potential<span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;"> to </span></span><span style="vertical-align: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: inherit;">stigmatises</span></span> and harm. As highlighted by Brene Brown (2017):<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><i>“The sorting we do to ourselves and to one another is, at best, unintentional and reflexive. At worst, it is stereotyping that dehumanizes. The paradox is that we all love the ready-made filing system, so handy when we want to quickly categorize people, but we resent it when we’re the ones getting filed away” (p. 48)</i></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Person-first language avoids making assumptions about how someone wants to be labeled. Additional exploration of issues raised in this blog and guidance on person-first language can be found in the 6th edition of the APA Publication Manual </span><span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">(American Psychological Association, 2010)</span><span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> and in Willis </span><span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">(in press)</span><span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; line-height: 107%;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">In some quarters, the push towards person-first language has existed for years. It has occurred in other areas of psychology and human service (Willis, in press) as well as the field of treating adolescents who have sexually abused. Although it has long been known that adolescents can change dramatically over time, it is also worth remembering that adults can, and very often do, change as well. Further, the contexts in which they live their lives can change dramatically as well Now that our field knows what it does about building desistance and managing risk, it is clear that the use of labels has now outlived its usefulness. Indeed, it can cause harm.<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-NZ" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>References <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>American Psychological Association. (2010). <i>Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association</i> (6th ed.). Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Brown, B. (2017). <i>Braving the Wilderness. </i>New York, NY: Random House. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Willis, G. M. (in press). Why call someone by what we don’t want them to be? The ethics of labelling in forensic/correctional psychology. <i>Psychology, Crime & Law</i> doi: 10.1080/1068316X.2017.1421640</b></span></div>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-34129624290158027242018-05-02T07:30:00.000-06:002018-05-02T07:30:02.671-06:00I promise to get back to posting regularly in support of all the women who visit Not the Life in hopes of finding other women who have heard the knock on the door and are trying to make sense of a life they too Didn't Choose.but are trying to understand <span style="font-size: large;">I haven't posted regularly because I've been finishing up my own memoir, The Sex Offender's Legacy, Silenced Lives. In the memoir I connect the dots between my own childhood sexual abuse by my father (which I thought began with me) and the generational transmission of sexual abuse down through 4 generations of my family beginning with my grandfather, my father, myself, my brothers, my sons and daughter but ending now (if I can do anything to prevent the future by speaking out/ connecting the dots.) </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Maybe you too have heard 'rumors' have heard stories in your own family? Maybe "your" sex offender told you he was molested in his own childhood. Not everyone who experiences being molested grows up to molest nor do they marry a man strangely like their father. My brothers were molested and chose not to molest but they've struggled with the after-effects of their childhood trauma all their lives.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Wives and mothers and family members are all so silenced and so afraid of "exposure" that we keep silent. We fail to share the wider story. We don't understand that often this sexual abuse didn't begin with us or originate in our little families but often has a larger (whispered) history of family trauma. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm not sure if I'd realized it would take 6 years to write, edit and begin to understand what happened in my family of origin, that I'd have had the courage to begin, let alone continue. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It's taken a long time to overcome my fear, to blog, write and speak honestly about what I've discovered about the traumas that led up to sexual abuse in my life and cycled through my extended family. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I decided to go ahead and aim for publication on Create Space and Kindle this year in spite of my fear that shame, blame, and finger-pointing will result because I need to understand myself and want to prevent the continuation of sexual trauma cycling down into the next generation of my family.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">In the process, I hope what I write about might help you connect the dots in your own family and prevent the transmission of all this trauma onto your children's children. The choices we make now might (just might) lead to a better understand and instead of a mindset that focuses on punishment after the fact, perhaps we can begin to focus on prevention and healing for the sake of our children and their children.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Anyway, I wanted to pass on the Cure-sort resource and explain why I have not posted regularly on Not the Life (but I hereby resolve to post more regularly in future!) </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm not sure if I had known what it takes to dig down into my life then write, rewrite and (now) edit a memoir, especially one on this painful topic, that I would have found the courage to even attempt to publish this memoir. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">BTW once I realized that sexual abuse didn't begin or end with me/ once I connected the dots in my life I realized the memoir is not only a very personal family story of sexual abuse but I found after the fact that it's called "transgenerational transmission of sexual abuse" </span><span style="font-size: large;">What a term for 'connecting the very personal dots that made sexual abuse more likely to continue generation after generation!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The process of writing freed me in ways I never expected. Now I hope the publication of the memoir might help all of us to better connect personal and family dots, help recovery and maybe even better protect those we love from the repetition of the trauma which deformed our own lives.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I hope. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Take Care, Janet Mackie </span><br />
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-31235090193069767112018-05-01T09:56:00.003-06:002018-05-01T10:10:29.769-06:00A Website about the genuine possibility of recovery ( https://www.cure-sort.org/ ) plus an article about Electronic Monitoring. Is an ankle bracelet a viable choice or does it make us just our loved one's unpaid jailer while barring real recovery? <div style="background-color: whitesmoke; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 20px; padding-right: 20px; padding-top: 10px;">
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b> <b><span style="font-size: large;">Link to a valuable website: </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b> <b><span style="font-size: large;">https://www.cure-sort.org/<a href="https://www.cure-sort.org/">https://www.cure-sort.org/</a></span></b></td>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="digest_top" style="font-size: 21px;">Today's topic summary </a><br />
<span style="font-size: 11px;"><a href="https://groups.google.com/forum/?utm_source=digest&utm_medium=email#!forum/cure-sort/topics" style="color: #1155cc; text-decoration-line: none;">View all topics</a> </span></div>
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<li><a href="wlmailhtml:{F44B5D17-B881-4BE3-9E97-D6D107D7E161}mid://00000084/#group_thread_0" style="color: #1155cc; text-decoration-line: none;">FW: [Electronic Monitoring] James Kilgore article on Electronic Monitoring Companies now up on In These Times</a> - <span style="color: #777777;">1 Update</span>
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<a href="http://groups.google.com/group/cure-sort/t/226a0a61058ada3e?utm_source=digest&utm_medium=email" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 21px; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">FW: [Electronic Monitoring] James Kilgore article on Electronic Monitoring Companies now up on In These Times </a></div>
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---------- Forwarded message ----------<br />
From: James Kilgore <jjincu@gmail.com <mailto:jjincu@gmail.com> ><br />
Date: Mon, Apr 23, 2018 at 3:03 PM<br />
Subject: [Electronic Monitoring] James Kilgore article <span style="font-size: 11px;"><a href="http://groups.google.com/group/cure-sort/msg/704427e1d9d14?utm_source=digest&utm_medium=email" style="color: #1155cc; text-decoration-line: none;">...more</a></span> </td></tr>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-91212036164669135342018-02-17T07:30:00.000-07:002018-02-17T07:31:20.899-07:00A Gift for Valentines day: Help in finding a community of Families/ finding others who 'weathered the storm' found community, survived and now reach out to help other women like us realize that they, too, are not alone at the most frightening time of our lives. <div style="border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; padding: 0px;">
<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">We Understand; Not the life keeps going/ keeps posting because women need a place to grow stronger after the poilce "Knock on our door:" </span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">There has been quite a bit of discussion lately on Not the Life, regarding finding reliable treatment, especially for wives and families. Cure-Sort has been around a long time (as attested to by the somewhat old-fashioned name: Citizens United for the Rehabilitation of Errants.) They are there to promote professional treatment as a means of addressing the issues of Prevention and recidvism. We need to find treatment providers who can be fair and helpful without twisting everything we say into their own belief system.</span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Many women find Not the Life because we feel so alone when we are thrown into the justice system. They threaten us with the loss of our children. Many times our husbands are in jail and we have no income, ir don't make enough to cover the bills And then there are Lawyers...</span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Many of us were sort of coccooned in our lives. We held the same prejudices as everyone else against sex offenders AND their families. We, too thought the mother's must have been (at least partially) to blame because we believed "those mother's" must have known, after all they lived right there...and then we heard the knock on our own door and found out what it's like to be tossed out of the lives we thought we were living into the reality of life on the "other side" We find out our neighbors now consider us to be one of "Those peoeple" we too once said bad things about. </span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Once a sex offender always a sex offender is not true" but how do we know when our loved one has 'changed'? How do we know he even wants to change or who he (or we) will be once we get through "all this' </span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">One important thing to do is to educate ourselves. CURE-SORT is another good place to start: </span></div>
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<b><span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Sex Offenders Restored through Treatment (SORT), a non-profit advocacy membership organization incorporated in Michigan and tax exempt under IRC section 501(c)(3), was founded in 1990 by a group of people dedicated to promoting professional treatment as a means for addressing the issues of prevention and recidivism. It is an issue chapter of </span><a href="http://www.curenational.org/" rel="nofollow" style="border: 0px; color: #6611cc; cursor: pointer; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;">Citizens United for the Rehabilitation of Errants</a><a href="http://www.curenational.org/" rel="nofollow" style="border: 0px; color: #6611cc; cursor: pointer; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;"> (National CURE)</a><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"> and is referred to as </span><a href="http://www.cure-sort.org/" rel="nofollow" style="border: 0px; color: #6611cc; cursor: pointer; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;">CURE-SORT</a><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">. </span></b></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b><a href="http://www.cure-sort.org/" rel="nofollow" style="border: 0px; color: #6611cc; cursor: pointer; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none;">CURE-SORT</a> works to provide information, resources, contacts, and support to individuals, families, defense attorneys, treatment providers, public media, legislators, law enforcement personnel, and other professionals who work with or are interested in issues of sexual abuse and its prevention. Our website is rich with news, information about assessment, treatment, recovery and educational resources and links to related websites and stakeholders. We also publish a quarterly newsletter called CURE-SORT News and back issues are available on the website. </b></span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; line-height: 15.3333px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b>In this forum we encourage group members to share news, helpful information and links that further our mission. </b></span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 14.95px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b><i>If you wish to join this Google Group, there is no cost. Just send an email to info@cure-sort.org with your physical mail address, a short note on your interest and in the subject line put Request to Join</i>.</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 14.95px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b>*********</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 14.95px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Or if you are not ready to "join" but want to find out more about CURE-SORT </span></span></div>
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<span style="border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 14.95px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Google<b><a href="https://www.cure-sort.com/"> </a></b></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b><a href="https://www.cure-sort.com/">https://www.cure-sort.org/advocacy.html </a> </b>and just poke around, </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">and find out what they may have to offer you or your family.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">There might even be a chapter in your state. In any case maybe you won't feel so alone after all. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If you do go there and poke around, come back to Not the Life and let us know what you found that was (or wasn't) helpful. We all need to know.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>Take care, Janet M </b></span></div>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-31724366136945863922017-12-23T07:30:00.000-07:002018-02-15T12:48:07.496-07:00Forever Denied Redemption? #MeToo is a lot harder when you know someone personally who's been accused by another person you also love...<div itemprop="articleBody" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: Proxima-Nova, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 30px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Matt Damon asks "There is a spectrum of Behavior Right?" The interview below raises the question: Once a Sex Offender, Always a Sex Offender? Labeled a tarred and feathered forever? Even sex curious kids can't be helped. All of us and all of them forever denied redemption? </div>
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I don't know about you, but I hope we are reaching a watershed moment when discussion of who isn't too big to jail for sexually assaulting someone in our home, in the workplace or in society. </div>
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Afraid to be Targeted, Afraid to be called Liars, Enablers, we suffer in silence. It's time to talk about the injustices of the Sex Offender Registry. The continued Silencing of us all makes no child safer but actually perpetuates the abuse, like an open secret within the family, we deal with the festering sore left behind, we stand in line at the prison, or cut and run, divorce and change our name, not because we can't love a person who betrayed us and our children "like that" but simply because we can't bear to have anyone know we still have the same last name as That Person. Is the world to remain divided between those "Too Big to Jail" and those (men and families) forever consigned to shame, blame and Life on the Sex Offender Registry? </div>
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It's time to address the collateral consequences that silence us all. Time to address how we (the wives children and families of sex offenders )are treated when we too are betrayed by someone we loved and laced put our trust in. (Not just a 'personality' in politics or on TV but a real person who managed to put up such a good front all those years? </div>
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Please read Matt Damon's interview below. (and now it's your turn to comment. Not the Life I Chose is here so you can pierce the silence surrounding you own experience: </div>
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<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/matt-damon-opens-harvey-weinstein-sexual-harassment-confidentiality/story?id=51792548">Matt Damon: </a>I think we’re in this watershed moment. I think it’s great. I think it’s wonderful that women are feeling empowered to tell their stories, and it’s totally necessary … I do believe that there’s a spectrum of behavior, right? And we’re going to have to figure — you know, there’s a difference between, you know, patting someone on the butt and rape or <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/topics/news/children/child-abuse.htm" id="ramplink_child molestation_" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">child molestation</a>, right? Both of those behaviors need to be confronted and eradicated without question, but they shouldn’t be conflated, right? You know, we see somebody like <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/topics/news/us/al-franken.htm" id="ramplink_Al Franken_" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Al Franken</a>, right? — I personally would have preferred if they had an Ethics Committee investigation, you know what I mean? It’s like at what point — you know, we’re so energized to kind of get retribution, I think.</div>
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And we live in this culture of outrage and injury, and, you know, that we’re going to have to correct enough to kind of go, “Wait a minute. None of us came here perfect.” You know what I mean? … The <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/topics/entertainment/actors/louis-c.k.htm" id="ramplink_Louis C.K_" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Louis C.K</a>. thing, I don’t know all the details. I don’t do deep dives on this, but I did see his statement, which kind of, which [was] arresting to me. When he came out and said, “I did this. I did these things. These women are all telling the truth.” And I just remember thinking, “Well, that’s the sign of somebody who — well, we can work with that” … Like, when I’m raising my kids, this constant personal responsibility is as important as anything else they learn before they go off in the world.</div>
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And the fear for me is that right now, we’re in this moment where at the moment — and I hope it doesn’t stay this way — the clearer signal to men and to younger people is, deny it. Because if you take responsibility for what you did, your life’s going to get ruined …</div>
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I mean, look, as I said, all of that behavior needs to be confronted, but there is a continuum. And on this end of the continuum where you have rape and child molestation or whatever, you know, that’s prison. Right? And that’s what needs to happen. OK? And then we can talk about rehabilitation and everything else. That’s criminal behavior, and it needs to be dealt with that way. The other stuff is just kind of shameful and gross, and I just think … I don’t know Louis C.K.. I’ve never met him. I’m a fan of his, but I don’t imagine he’s going to do those things again. You know what I mean? I imagine the price that he’s paid at this point is so beyond anything that he — I just think that we have to kind of start delineating between what these behaviors are.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: It’s harder, isn’t it, though, when you actually know someone who gets accused? We both know Harvey Weinstein. I’ve worked with him. But I didn’t see any of this.</strong></div>
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MD: When you see Al Franken taking a picture putting his hands on that woman’s flak jacket and mugging for the camera, going like that, you know, that is just like a terrible joke, and it’s not funny. It’s wrong, and he shouldn’t have done that … But when you talk about Harvey and what he’s accused of, there are no pictures of that. He knew he was up to no good. There’s no witnesses. There’s no pictures. There’s no braggadocio … So they don’t belong in the same category.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: I think it becomes for all of us, too, that are in any way around it, even though we’re not seeing it, is, what’s our responsibility to make sure it doesn’t happen?</strong></div>
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MD: A lot of people said, ‘Well, Harvey — everybody knew.’ As you were saying, that’s not true. Everybody knew what kind of guy he was in the sense that if you took a meeting with him, you knew that he was tough and he was a bully, and that was his reputation. And he enjoyed that reputation, because he was making the best movies out there …</div>
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[With regard to the rape allegations,] nobody who made movies for him knew … Any human being would have put a stop to that, no matter who he was. They would’ve said absolutely no. You know what I mean? … I knew I wouldn’t want him married to anyone close to me. But that was the extent of what we knew, you know? And that wasn’t a surprise to anybody. So when you hear Harvey this, Harvey that — I mean, look at the guy. Of course he’s a womanizer … I mean, I don’t hang out with him.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: But you can’t live his life for him. Or be responsible for his life.</strong></div>
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MD: Right. So the question is, at what point does somebody’s behavior that you have a professional relationship with … away from the profession bother enough that you don’t want to work with them? For me, I’ve always kind of, you know, as long as nobody’s committing a crime — well, that’s your life, and you go live it. I don’t need to be spending time with you, away from my professional life, at least.</div>
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<picture style="box-sizing: border-box;"><img alt="PHOTO: Matt Damon appears on Popcorn with Peter Travers at ABC News studios, Dec. 12, 2017, in New York City." border="0" src="http://a.abcnews.com/images/Entertainment/matt-damon-popcorn-2-abc-jt-171214_4x3_992.jpg" height="480" style="border: none; box-sizing: border-box; height: auto; left: auto; max-width: 100%; top: 0px; width: 734.25px;" width="640" /><span class="credit" style="border: 0px; bottom: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: white; display: inline; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 5px 15px; position: absolute; right: 0px; text-shadow: rgb(34 , 34 , 34) 0px 1px 1px; vertical-align: baseline;">Maryellen McGrath/ABC</span></picture></div>
<figcaption style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 15px 6px 0px; position: relative; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap; width: 734px; z-index: 1000029;"><span class="caption" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; font-family: inherit; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: 14px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Matt Damon appears on "Popcorn with Peter Travers" at ABC News studios, Dec. 12, 2017, in New York City.</span></figcaption></figure><br />
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: [We’ve seen] Ridley Scott, who directed you in “The Martian,” having to erase Kevin Spacey from “All the Money in the World” and having to replace him with Christopher Plummer.</strong></div>
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MD: That was smart. That was a total business decision by Ridley. I haven’t talked to him, but … it wasn’t a creative choice for Ridley. Ridley has a big movie coming out … and nobody right now is in the mood to see a Kevin Spacey movie.</div>
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And I think he’s right about that. He’s one of the few directors who could just turn on a dime and shoot for a week a month before a movie comes out and, you know, expunge an actor. And I don’t disagree with his decision to do that. I mean, that movie, I think, will do much better without Kevin in it.</div>
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<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">[Editor’s note: In response to the allegations against him made by Anthony Rapp, Kevin Spacey released a statement on Oct. 29, saying, in part, “I’m beyond horrified to hear his story. I honestly do not remember the encounter … But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior.” In November a spokesperson for Spacey said he was “taking the time necessary to seek evaluation and treatment.”]</em></div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: When it’s in that gray area and it’s friends of yours or people that you do know, do you try to talk to them afterwards and say, “What’s going on? Can I help?”</strong></div>
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MD: It depends on what the accusation is. It depends what’s going on. If it’s a friend of mine, I’m always talking to them. I know the real story if it’s my friend. If it’s a colleague … I don’t know … I guess it depends on the situation and the allegation and how believable I think it is.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: We’re going to see the change in the making of movies now with people being so aware.</strong></div>
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MD: I also think the day of the confidentiality agreements is over. I think it’s just completely over. Ten years ago, you made a claim against me and I had a big movie coming out, OK? I have $100 million or I have a movie that is personally important to me coming out, and close to the release of that film, you say, “Matt Damon grabbed my butt and stuck his tongue down my throat.” We would then go to mediation and organize a settlement. I’d go, “I don’t want this out there. Peter’s going to go out and talk to the press and run his mouth, and it’s going to be overshadowing the opening of this movie. How much money do you want?” The lawyers would get together, and they do this cost-benefit analysis, and they’d go, “Oh, this is what it’s worth.” And I look at the number and go, “OK, I’ll pay it, but you can never talk about this again. You’re f------ lying about this, but never talk about this again.</div>
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Now … with social media, these stories get — it’s like they get gasoline poured on them. So the moment a claim is made, if you make that same claim today to me, I would be scorched earth. I’d go, “I don’t care if it costs $10 million to fight this in court with you for 10 years, you are not taking my name from me. You are not taking my name and my reputation from me. I’ve worked too hard for it. And I earned it. You can’t just blow me up like that.” So I think once a claim is made, there will no longer be settlements. That’s just my prediction, I mean, just based on what I’ve seen.</div>
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<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/innocent-proven-guilty-apply-hollywood-misconduct/story?id=51646170" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Why ‘innocent until proved guilty’ may not apply in Hollywood misconduct</a></div>
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<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory/spurlock-sexual-harassment-part-problem-51786244" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Spurlock on sexual harassment: ‘I am part of the problem’</a></div>
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<a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/sexual-harassment/story?id=50539668" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">What sexual harassment is and what to do about it</a></div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: Isn’t that a good thing? Women have been doing it, and they’ve been told they can’t express what happened to them.</strong></div>
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MD: One hundred percent … I think that it’s important, especially in that, you know, we believe every woman who’s coming forward with one of these stories needs to be listened to and heard. I think one of the surprising things for me has been the extent to which my female friends, as, I think, of all the ones I’ve talked to in the last year since all this stuff started happening — I can’t think of any of them who don’t have a story at some point in their life. And most of them have more than one.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: I don’t know how old your daughters are, but how do you deal with them living in this world where even they, whatever ages they are, can’t escape this in the headlines?</strong></div>
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MD: You just have to raise children with, like, self-esteem, because you’re not going to be there to make all of their decisions for them. And you have to just hope that they have enough self-respect to make the best decisions they can. I mean, the Harvey situation is particularly horrible, because, you know, those women — when you say, “Hey, let’s take a meeting in a hotel room.” I mean, we auditioned, you know, for “Good Will Hunting” in a hotel room. Like, it’s common to take meetings in a hotel room.</div>
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And this is the most powerful man in the movie business at the time, like in the ’90s, like Harvey was. That was the place to be. And if you get a thing from your agent on the letterhead of your agency that says, “Go meet Harvey Weinstein, the rainmaker, the guy that makes these great movies, at the Peninsula Hotel,” you’re going to that meeting … You don’t go into that meeting thinking something bad is going to happen to you … I don’t know who’s taking meetings in hotel rooms now. I mean, sometimes you’re in a different city and you just don’t have anywhere to meet. But, so no matter how smart my daughters are, no matter how prepared they are, there’s still those situations that that’s the nightmare kind of scenario.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">PT: Do you worry about your daughters less because of the change in the industry?</strong></div>
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MD: With social media, you know, and a Twitter account, you have the same platform as The New York Times now, so there aren’t secrets. It’s harder to do this type of thing. I would like to point out, though, that even though it feels like there’s this avalanche of men … Well here’s my optimistic spin, this is like 1 percent of the guys who are losing their careers. It’s not everybody. It just feels like it. There’s so many great men and women in the movie business. So many great people. It’s such a wonderful collection of people overall. And these rotten horrible apples are getting weeded out right now.</div>
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And that’s fine. That’s a good thing. That’s progress. But again, when we go back to talking about our own growth and development as human beings. We have to get to a place where we’re looking at one end of the spectrum and saying, “Well, let’s deal with this with some reflection and dialogue and some reconciliation, and let’s all grow together and move on.” And then I’ll think we’ll be making progress.</div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Watch part of Matt Damon’s interview in the video above, and tune in for the full ABC News’ “Popcorn With Peter Travers” interview on Dec. 27, on ABCNews.com.</strong></div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Download the "Popcorn With Peter Travers" podcast on <a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1149028520" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Apple Podcasts</a>, <a href="https://open.spotify.com/show/0QGu1Z9qHWqIPDirvfRjNo" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Spotify</a>, <a href="https://tunein.com/radio/Popcorn-with-Peter-Travers-p1031855" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Tunein</a>, <a href="https://play.google.com/music/listen#/ps/In6xwo5ijae6lwl2zjakkb7kj64" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Google Play Music</a> and <a href="http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/abc-news/popcorn-with-peter-travers?refid=stpr" style="background: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #5d90ce; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px !important; padding: 0px; text-decoration-line: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Stitcher</a>.</strong></div>
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<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">Editor’s note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.</em></div>
Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-45992149803462091122017-10-23T14:33:00.001-06:002017-10-23T14:33:30.331-06:00Shame, Blame and Halloween...Thanksgiving and Christmas too...Happy Registry to You too!.Shame and Isolation kills. In effect, families, and wives, girlfriends, sisters, and brothers of sex offenders find that they too are "on the registry " whether they choose to stay or go there are collateral consequences to loving (or hating) a sex offender.<br />
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Isolation kills. Fear keeps us up at night. Condemnation drives a wedge through our hearts and lives. Don't give up hope. Kindness heals. That's why we continue to post and answer comments left here on Not the Life.<br />
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If you are reading Not the Life, Halloween seems as good a time as any to talk about stoking fear and activating trolls and such. .<br />
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States have severe Halloween restrictions on Registrants. Giving out Halloween candy is Verboten! Break these rules and your loved one (son/ husband/ brother/juvenile sex offender) goes back to prison, not because they committed an additional (actual) sex offense but for not following all the Halloween Restrictions to the letter.<br />
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Just because we love someone on the registry doesn't mean we support or condone Sexual Abuse. And "Once a Sex Offender, always a sex offender" is an old prejudice that simply isn't true. Recidivism rates of sex offenders are around 3-5%. Therapy works. Taking personal responsibility to stop/ to change is real.<br />
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But sometimes sexual abuse victims and the adults who love them find their way to Not the Life. Some leave hurtful comments. The rest of us on Not the Life answer their questions as best we can.<br />
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But sometimes I tell myself, "Don't feed the trolls " because their comments are clearly meant to hurt, not help.Some see Not the Life as their opportunity to dump their anger on mothers/ wives and family members past and present. No matter how sarcastic or unreasonable many trolls may seem, most of them are hurting. Some think they are protecting children by attacking the wives, mothers, and family members of people who stick by those in prison or out on the Registry. Maybe the trolls think we helped offenders molest our children? Some even target us as the mothers whom they believe conspired to allow them to be molested as children.<br />
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No matter, where their anger comes from, no one can stay frozen. We aren't (still) the women we once were. Not the wives who felt betrayed when who heard the knock at our door... back when. We too must travel a road to change. We can't run back to what we thought was our Happily Ever After. And although we feel enough regret to fuel a few remarks of our own, we refuse to accept their shame and blame. We share and reach out. We can't remain silent in the face of harms done to us or others, not Now. And not back then.<br />
<br />
But on Halloween especially we are reminded to fear the prejudice and collateral damage that might still target us and those we love.<br />
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Law enforcement, in the form of / Police/ Parole and Probation/ County Sheriffs, drives up in well-marked cars. Officers knock on our door making a neighborhood display of themselves wearing "swat gear." They reinforce the belief that "Once a sex Offender...forever dangerous."<br />
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I open my door to them. They enter and march around my house asking questions, poking into cupboards, issuing dire warnings. All seem intent upon showing one and all they are Protecting Children. Around Halloween, the Dept Heads also give interviews to the local TV stations issuing DIRE WARNINGS against SEX OFFENDERS. Talking about the need to increase their budgets<br />
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No matter how 'law-abiding' It's hard not to feel especially targeted at Halloween. And Halloween feeds the trolls.<br />
<span style="background-color: #f5f6f5;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #f5f6f5;">I tell myself, The Officers are just doing their job. AND I follow parole restrictions to the letter as does "my" sex offender. I don't want to end up standing in the visitor's lines at the prison because I failed to full fill a requirement of his parole/ his Registry. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: #f5f6f5;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #f5f6f5;">So, I wait. I hope for Nov. 1st. I hope the neighbors were too busy to notice those Adults dressed up Swat gear who drove up and banged on our door on Halloween.</span><br />
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Luckily, most Trolls only leave (verbal) pitchforks on Not the Life. (Better that, than they too knock on my door!) Collateral damage is sometimes all too real.<br />
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Sadly, some do still believe the canard "Once a Sex Offender always a Sex Offender." Some go so far as to brag "The only recovered sex offender is a dead offender." That's a possible but unthinkable outcome of stoking rage and prejudice.<br />
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In my experience, most trolls are the still-hurting adults molested as children, victims of sexual abuse betrayed and abused in childhood. Around Halloween, I' get a little cynical. I'm always more afraid of what might happen if a neighboring troll sees and decides to turn on us. Where can we get P&P's permission to live if we are forced out of our house?<br />
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Choosing to stay, or falling in love with someone on the Registry, (even 19 years after his conviction) has consequences. No matter what choices you made or make, I hope Not the Life is a Safe Haven where you can share openly, ask questions, see what others did and find comfort that you are not alone, and find help to make decisions about your own life now and going forward.<br />
.<br />
Anyway Vickie, Thanks for having courage. Your comment got me thinking of all the reasons we keep Not the Life going. Not the Life is meant to be a Safe Haven we can all use and add our own experience strength and hope. One comment is read for years and helps many.<br />
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Please know there are a lot of Us out here and no matter what decisions we make (stay or go, how find the way forward) we too are effected by unreasonable beliefs of trolls that (sadly) do NOT serve to protect children or help anyone heal or get on with a new life whether they be victim, offender, our children our family members heal.) Old prejudices keep the troll's anger boiling.<br />
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We can't be satisfied to whine "poor me" and shame and blame the 'trolls.' (not even on Halloween!)<br />
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We must find courage, to make our own choices, to share, to take responsibility, to reach out to others. To educate ourselves and find ways to heal in spite of shame, blame and the consequences of Sex Abuse and the collateral damage caused by trolls or by Life on the Registry.<br />
<br />
Take care, Janet MackieJanet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-81460860596971740442017-09-13T07:30:00.000-06:002017-09-13T07:30:08.269-06:00Once a sex offender always a sex offender? Will our loved one ( a husband, a son, a relative, a stranger who committed an unthinkable betrayal) be a danger forever? As the wives, ex-wives, mothers, sons and daughters and families of sex offenders tasked with important decisions re rebuilding/ balancing trust in recovery vs. the safety of those entrusted to our care, we each try to make safe and compassionate choices. And all the while we deal with the collateral consequences of abiding prejudice and misinformation as expressed in draconian laws flowing from a 1980's Supreme Court Decision that impacts laws about sex offenders and those of us stigmatized by association. <div style="display: inline; font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;">
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Untouchable OpDoc from the New York Times - released today</div>
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<span data-entity-ref="preheader">Imminent release by major news organization </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><b>Val Jonas, a Florida civil rights attorney, appears in a New York Times Op-Doc that details false and misleading information upon which the US Supreme Court based landmark decisions about sex-offender punishment.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 36px; font-weight: bold;">New York Times Op-Doc Exposes the Flawed Science Behind Supreme Court’s sex offender cases</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 26px;">Revealed: how the court came to base its decisions on information that was incomplete, false and misleading</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span class="greeting-tag">Dear Janet,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">The New York Times released a documentary short for their Opinion section today. Created by the Untouchable production team, the film reveals the falsity of the Supreme Court’s claims about the "frightening and high” recidivism rate of sex offenders.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">The video can be viewed at this link: </span><a href="http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?f=0017S5kWmNeYtE50ImymcrNLTs5kjnYoV61IyOi7Hqe-AsSZAxkeQxS5tFUtub2toTjcI5natLU1Vu8KPC8-KuOiLSSQxLvo8-f1onFJ_agcGRLKaDyx3AbzNr4QQjG2HUeJZdRhLqNSJ6nnwKENvxs2pdH2cWu9E8t1mPFmGnvjiXgO39zXSxv95ThVI0JyZ3fL12iyWmF1UTNwP6MBh8ijncCffYJTGRwiEVRihlgBkk97-g_9n1Gin3-k8sGNORS&c=udWXJOTkkkdUc5c7-MnNQOlaUjRU5n4WM62r-bMsw7n4Qq3Yyov0Kw==&ch=5-yr7_NfUa0aA1TXkhg1J9WnyzP-fJeAihhv-DMHWoe0qIRcTnpG2Q==" style="color: #de4e3a;" target="_blank">https://www.nytimes.com/video/opinion/100000005415081/a-frightening-myth-about-sex-offenders.html</a></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">This short film (which the Times commonly refers to as an Op-Doc) features the first substantive interviews with two individuals who wrote the reports that the high court ultimately relied on in making their false assertion. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">The first, neurofeedback clinician Robert Freeman-Longo, explains how his controversial work from the 1970's led him to write a 1986 article </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-style: italic;">Psychology Today</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">, that wound up quoted in a Justice Department Manual. That Manual in turn was cited by the United States Solicitor general’s office in a brief that was relied on by Justice Kennedy in writing his opinion for the court.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">Obviously a Psychology Today article, which had no data and was never offered as a research paper, should not have served as the basis of a major high court decision, and Longo—who had no idea the paper every even made it to the court, decries the way the justices used it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">The second source is Barbara Schwartz, a researcher at the Department of Justice. It was Ms. Schwartz who created the report on sex-offender recidivism that the Solicitor General’s office cited to the court. But as Dr. Schwartz makes clear—the Longo article she cited should never have been seen as an authoritative source. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">Finally, The Op-Doc goes on to cite the actual, scientifically valid studies on sex offender’s recidivism: And the clear consensus of all that research is that same-crime recidivism among sex offenders is in the low single-digits.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">The timing of this short video release is important because in the next few weeks the United States Supreme Court will decide whether to hear a case that could finally offer them a chance to re-consider the flawed social science they’ve relied on for the past 20 years to justify a raft of restrictions imposed on those on the registry.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">That case is Karsjens v. Piper</span><span style="font-family: "arial";"> </span><a href="http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?f=0017S5kWmNeYtE50ImymcrNLTs5kjnYoV61IyOi7Hqe-AsSZAxkeQxS5iNtJQLnGSnRVNfCCa9N8TyTFtF3RD3scj2V2nxAU6RNucjYaQCCqdVXxHhzu0dXSnM9AEw-Jrd_yhuVyX3vy6JzyhBDTa33AxtAdU8cYAJexMOzi9_GoktAyXR15hegsJOJdbSm_JXuEaAK3_6HoYw1-MV0wbIVfw6rYZM01S7Si5f9VcGsmQ26T4GLL1RU2w==&c=udWXJOTkkkdUc5c7-MnNQOlaUjRU5n4WM62r-bMsw7n4Qq3Yyov0Kw==&ch=5-yr7_NfUa0aA1TXkhg1J9WnyzP-fJeAihhv-DMHWoe0qIRcTnpG2Q==" style="color: #de4e3a; font-family: arial;" target="_blank">http://mitchellhamline.edu/sex-offender-litigation-policy/2017/07/20/karsjens-v-piper/</a><span style="font-family: "arial";"> </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">Which deals with the State of Minnesota’s Civil Commitment program—one of the few places in the country where you can be locked up not for what you’ve done but for what you might do.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">IN addition to the essay and Op-Doc for the times, we expect The Marshall Project to release a second short film—this one a character study of one of the main subjects of UNTOUCHABLE—a woman who has been forced to live on the registry because she had consensual sex with a younger boy when she herself was a teenager. That film is simply designed to challenge some of our assumptions of who many of the 800,000 Americans of our sex offender registries really are, explaining just how easy it has become to be swept up into the every expanding categories of those we stigmatize as sex offenders.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">Our hope is that you'll find these videos to be useful in helping to inform and change public opinion. Please share them freely with lawmakers, educators and other influencers.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">As always we welcome your inquiries about </span><a href="http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?f=0017S5kWmNeYtE50ImymcrNLTs5kjnYoV61IyOi7Hqe-AsSZAxkeQxS5uXPlUYxHXHcvLOw0qFgLQYBz_mGhJSIZK8pX6Ifn3d2XqlgN6qUWTNnUcVEcMFYI68KNk_8MaR76UsEG06Mmg5gw9x2voddSO7eHg_3MSpwWIW5z-c8LZY=&c=udWXJOTkkkdUc5c7-MnNQOlaUjRU5n4WM62r-bMsw7n4Qq3Yyov0Kw==&ch=5-yr7_NfUa0aA1TXkhg1J9WnyzP-fJeAihhv-DMHWoe0qIRcTnpG2Q==" style="color: black; font-family: arial;" target="_blank">institutional licensing</a><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";"> of the feature documentary, </span><a href="http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?f=0017S5kWmNeYtE50ImymcrNLTs5kjnYoV61IyOi7Hqe-AsSZAxkeQxS5uXPlUYxHXHcKMCL8GpEIMBrlXqb0Vn3V4TFKuZRpwcdWwL738IkyVzG0E--9J_frALpkaqOv2DxEj-Zj09nUFZRXk3GohNUo9Bg_x41tsrA&c=udWXJOTkkkdUc5c7-MnNQOlaUjRU5n4WM62r-bMsw7n4Qq3Yyov0Kw==&ch=5-yr7_NfUa0aA1TXkhg1J9WnyzP-fJeAihhv-DMHWoe0qIRcTnpG2Q==" style="color: black; font-family: arial;" target="_blank">Untouchable</a><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">, as well as for single screenings.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">Please </span><a href="mailto:outreach@untouchablefilm.com" style="color: black; font-family: arial;" target="_blank">contact me</a><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";"> for any further information.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial";">Very best wishes,</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Jeff Tamblyn</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Outreach Coordinator</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">*****</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Regarding the issue of 'recidivism' I would like to note: </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Instead of the Supreme Court's "once a sex offender always a sex offender," legal stance, it is possible to believe some sex offenders can choose change/ choose self-control/ choose recovery. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; text-align: center;">Because some (perhaps most) choose to assume real responsibility for their actions and are determined to stop themselves before they repeat past mistakes or take advantage of /or inflict sexual pain on others in future. Most do not 'recidivate.'</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; text-align: center;">Likewise, the choices we make as wives and mothers need not be decided by prejudice or over- riding fear that 'once a sex offender always a sex offender means that given the chance, every sex offender will choose to forever repeat their past. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; text-align: center;">In adopting a more reasoned approach, we free ourselves from fear and eternal 'victimhood'. We make a choice to lay aside fear and prejudice and make more reasoned choices about what's best for us and for our children. We can demand more reasoned laws to protect the vulnerable going forward *******</span></div>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-72866632427996330312017-08-06T07:30:00.000-06:002017-08-06T07:30:21.013-06:00Please consider this: Traditional Happily-Ever-After-Believers like me are raised to believe a husband just naturally knows better; I was raised to believe in Silence (not science), I was raised to believe a-good-woman's-Love, and Not-thinking-about 'it' would keep me and my children safe. Now I think it's time to overcome my shame, my fear of blame, and break the Silence that enables child sexual abuse in our homes. On 'Not the Life' we share, pool our experience, find comfort and reason to hope that in the simple act of sharing we might discover other factors,see ingrained beliefs (similar to our own) which make possible the continuation of the cycle of child sexual abuse...And maybe, in examining and sharing our own lives and finding answers, we might help not only each other,not only our own children but our children's children find better, safer lives in future generations. But it's hard work isn't it?. <span style="font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">We may not be living the "Life We Chose" but nothing says we can't change and Choose a better life in Future. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As many of you know, I've been writing a memoir about Child Sexual Abuse and how the trauma of 'it' cycled down through my family and ended up affecting not 'only' me but my choice of husband and resulted in the sexual abuse of my own children. Writing the memoir has been a process of personal discovery. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">Like so many others, at first, I didn't want to know what happened to me. One grandmother said, "just don't think about it...no matter what 'it' was, 'it' wasn't a nice woman's business and the women in my family were raised to be 'nice.' </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The other grandmother 'prayed about' virtually everything as a matter of survival in a marriage to the un-thoughtful man who, I now realize, molested several of her children, including my father. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My father went on to sexually molest me and my brothers. He was also an 'un-thoughtful' husband in the style of his father. My father was perpetually resentful and angry and justified anything harmful that he did, saying "My childhood was worse than yours" </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">When I began writing the memoir I was forced to look at myself. At first, I had assumed child sexual abuse in my family began when I was molested. I thought 'it' all began with me and in order to survive my childhood, I stopped thinking about 'it.' </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">After my father's funeral, I found a box of old letters and pictures and remembered stories I had been told as a child. Once I realized what happened to me was part of an ongoing cycle, I began to understand how 'it' happened but, I still had a hard time with "Why." Especially "Why didn't I see what was happening to my own children?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">Why had I married a 'strangely familiar' man (who I found out had been molested himself)? Why Oh why had I 'not seen' what he was doing and saying to gaslight me so he could continue molesting my children?</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Why did I think divorce </span><span style="font-size: large;">would protect me from repeating the same mistake twice? Why didn't realize I had to change my own perspective on my own beliefs that made me vulnerable and hence my children to sexual abuse. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">I was raised, as many younger women are raised today, to be a 'Happily-Ever-After-Believer' In my mother's and grandmother's time, 'nice' women didn't even believe divorce was possible, they thought divorce for any reason was a sin, not against 'man,' but against God. I believed in divorce as a last ditch effort, but I thought just dumping the 'molester' and changing my (our) last name would protect me and my children.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">Problem is, that without understanding how our own belief-system about a 'woman's place' makes us vulnerable, we and our children remain at risk of repeating the cycle and, if our belief-system remains unexamined, we will unwittingly teach these beliefs to our children and grandchildren's generations. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">In my time, social convention and religion conspired to extend the belief that if a woman just 'prayed about' the state of her un-thoughtful marriage, turned 'it' over to God and waited...all would eventually be well. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">Meanwhile, she should figure out how to love her husband enough that he would see how much she loved him and 'do right the right thing.' Some of us still believe that a good woman's love has the power to 'love him into loving me' and protecting our children We go to great length to demonstrate we love him enough to 'change his ways,' but fail to see we much become different people ourselves if we hope to break the pattern, the cycle that perpetuates child sexual abuse.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">Silence, love, and not-knowing are the mantra's</span><span style="font-size: large;"> taught us as a 'nice' respectable women. We are the 'nice' women who cannot imagine the police will ever come knocking on our door...until they do. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">1) Belief in Silence (before and after the fact) may distract the neighbors, deter the lynch mob once 'it' comes out but there is a lot of 'it' going on and silence doesn't help us understand the how or the why of the cycle of child sexual abuse: silence does nothing to help us prevent or heal 'it.' either. We don't need to heal back into who were were before (just with a new partner) We need to do the work to be different not simply better-than. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">2) T</span><span style="font-size: large;">here are a 'lot' of 'us' out here (even in nice neighborhoods.) </span><span style="font-size: large;">, When 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys report they too were sexually abused in childhood; when upwards of 800,000 offender names (and by extension at least that many families) are listed on Sex Offender Registries nation wide, the continuing belief in </span><span style="font-size: large;">the magical power of silence, 'a good woman's place' may make us feel like we are at least doing something. And not and not-knowing actually facilitates abuse of all sorts. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span> <span style="font-size: large;">Until we have to face the fact that we were betrayed; until we (maybe) have to look at ourselves and ask what factors of <i>my</i> belief system contributed to my <i>actually</i> 'not-knowing.' </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Or maybe we choose to just cut and run...trusting that without change on our part, the next marriage/ relationship will automatically be better-than this one? I have come to believe that, What is required of us (as the betrayed party) is not to insist that we are the forever betrayed victims but that we examine our own beliefs, change, become different than we used to be so that our relationships will also be different. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We need to re-write our futures by re-thinking our roles in marriage and motherhood and voting for gender-role equality...and that is hard work. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">In <i>Inferior</i>, acclaimed science writer Angela Saini weaves together a fascinating—and sorely necessary—new science of women. As Saini takes readers on a journey to uncover science’s failure to understand women, she finds that we’re still living with the legacy of an establishment that’s just beginning to recover from centuries of entrenched exclusion and prejudice. Sexist assumptions are stubbornly persistent: even in recent years, researchers have insisted that women are choosy and monogamous while men are naturally promiscuous, or that the way men’s and women’s brains are wired confirms long-discredited gender stereotypes.<br /><br />As Saini reveals, however, groundbreaking research is finally rediscovering women’s bodies and minds. <i>Inferior</i> investigates the gender wars in biology, psychology, and anthropology, and delves into cutting-edge scientific studies to uncover a fascinating new portrait of women’s brains, bodies, and role in human evolution. </span></b></td></tr>
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-7644550081275462702017-07-14T07:30:00.000-06:002017-07-14T12:45:53.651-06:00Welcoming the Wives of Sex Offenders: Validating each other and Finding Courage to Break the Silence surrounding Sexual AbuseWomen, Wives, and Mothers seek out Not the Life I Chose so they (we) can share candidly about our lives, and maybe gain perspective on lives harmed by sexual abuse of one kind or another. <span style="background-color: #f6d5d9;"> </span>Men, (many of them male survivors), as well as women, wives, and mothers, girls and boys, need this safe space to speak openly about the pain and bewilderment we all feel but are too often afraid to express for fear of reprisal.<br />
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Almost more than the abuse itself, we need to be able to set aside shame, blame, and isolation to openly examine our pain in the company of trusted others who know what we are going through because they too felt the same way.<br />
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So long as we struggle on in silence, so long as the only sharing allowed is to recount specific details, 'gory details,' police reports, approved accounts of our 'victimization' so we can be labeled the 'Forever victims' and the others labeled forever 'perps' ("Once a sex offender always a perpetrator" is the line that energizes those same lynch mobs that isolate and silence every one of us)<br />
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So long as we allow fear to silence us, we deny ourselves perspective and fail to recognize the 'cycle' of training and belief which leaves each vulnerable to passing down the cycle of abuse to our children and our children's children. Male survivors are especially afraid to disclose their childhood abuse for fear they will be seen as 'sissy-boys.' Investigators, mothers, victims, all fail to broaden the perspective to include male survivors of child sexual abuse even if that Male Survivor is also a 'molester.' We don't believe Sex Offenders Recover. But then what SO dares speak out? Even if SO recidivism is below 3%, who dares openly speak of trusting in the recovery of a sex offender (except maybe here on Not the Life?)<br />
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Mired in the moment, dealing with the "Knock at the door" answering police questions about our husbands, our boyfriends, our sex-curious sons, we can't bear to look deeper. We can barely keep our own noses. Yet shame, blame, and the after-effects of sexual abuse don't magically disappear with divorce, or even with our decision to 'stay.'<br />
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I keep posting on Not the Life, hoping t keep this space open for myself and for others. Not the life is a place to unpack our (sometimes before ignored) real lives, a place to gain enough perspective to reorganize and go on. To find a "new life' we have to also unpack the traumas of childhood. Maybe not here exactly, maybe here we only find the courage to speak openly, but going on has to include unpacking the traumas and attitudes of childhood. To do so we need to hear other voices from other rooms. We must reach out in real time so that not only our own children but our children's children can grow up safe from the cycle of sexual abuse.<br />
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To do that we must include the voices of the male survivors currently denied the right to speak right along with the rest of us dealing with the after effects of the "Knock on the Door".Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-10972288548330754852017-06-25T07:30:00.000-06:002017-06-25T07:30:00.161-06:00I recommend Reading Roller Coaster to Hell and Back by Paul Hanley. It's a memoir of sexual abuse written from a male survivor's perspective, a male survivor, who, untreated as a child, went on to act out his conflicts and be labeled a 'Sex Offender' himself. His story is of a "Survivor who found looking Truth-in-the-face to be his only path to Recovery. It's a hard read but I believe Paul's memoir is well worth your time.It's honesty offers each of us here on Not the Life new hope with it's helpful new perspective on sexual abuse and the ongoing collateral damage those of us on Not the Life experience every day. <div class="tiny" style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; margin-bottom: 0.5em;">
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/Roller%20Coaster%20to%20Hell%20and%20Back:%20A%20True%20Story%20of%20Sexual%20Abuse%20and%20New%20HopeMay%2015,%202017%20%20by%20Paul%20Hanley">Roller Coaster to Hell and Back: A True Story of Sexual Abuse and New Hope (Paperback or kindle)</a> </span></b></div>
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<b>Roller Coaster to Hell and Back is indeed a TRUE STORY OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND NEW HOPE. This is one of the (nearly non-existent,) Memoirs written by Male Survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Mr. Hanley not only describes the damaging effects of being sexually abused as a young child by his stepfather BUT Mr. Hanley has the courage to set aside the secrecy and shame imposed upon Male Survivors and go on to describe his painful journey from being a young male who was sexually abused, to himself becoming an Abuser and then, finally a Survivor intent upon stopping the cycle of sexual abuse by telling of his own survival. He shows us the cycle of sexual abuse by revealing how the conflicts his abuse engendered in him as an abused male child, ultimately led him to act out his sexual conflicts, thus repeating the cycle of sexual abuse on </b><b>an adult woman once he himself reached adulthood. </b></div>
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<b>Mr.Hanley's memoir does NOT seek to use his story to engender sympathy for himself as a "Sex Offender' but he uses his journey to point the way To Recovery, to becoming a Recovered Sex Offender as well a Male Survivor of childhood sexual abuse. He describes the brutally hard work of Sex Offender Group Treatment as well as the Individual Therapy and 12 Step-Work he chose to do not only to ensure his own recovery but to ensure the protection and safety of others. He also discusses his experiences 'on the Registry' </b></div>
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<b>This Memoir does indeed give new hope. Roller Coaster should be read by Male Survivors, by those 'forever' labeled Sex Offenders, Therapists and Judges and By the families and friends of those affected by child sexual abuse.</b></div>
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(Above is the review I placed on Amazon. If you choose, you may buy a hard copy of Mr. Hanley's book or you can download a copy (for free) on your Kindle. Either way, please post your own comments here on Not the Life and let others hear your own reaction to the memoir.) </div>
Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-31807339297193028802017-05-13T07:30:00.000-06:002017-05-13T13:04:10.621-06:00a gift for us on Mother's day: Transforming after we hear the knock on the door: Post Traumatic Growth (Re-Posted from a 2014 post here on Not the Life.) <a href="http://ptgi.uncc.edu/">Post traumatic growth,</a> (PTG) the other side of the coin from PTSD, Post traumatic Stress Disorder...PTG is not simply resilience but transformation. Resilience may be when we've been blindsided and we just stagger on pretending. But PTG? Post traumatic Growth is when we Didn't give up. Didn't capitulate. PTG is Transform. (You know like one of those little transformer toys you stepped on in your bare feet because your kid "forgot" to put it away. OnlyPTG is much, much better. And of course we will be way cuter than those things when we transform!)<br />
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PTG happens after we are rocked to the foundations.. After The Life we thought we had chosen, Implodes. When we are betrayed in such a fundamental way that we can't just simply stagger on. The pieces no longer fit when we try to pull the Life We Chose all back together. . So we choose to move beyond, choose to struggle and create a new life of our own instead of living the patterns once laid out for us by others.<br />
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We are transformed because we Choose to Create a different Life <i>after</i> the implosion,<br />
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But that transformation depends on fundamental choices we make now. How we choose to continue will effect the rest of our lives...and perhaps more importantly, the rest of our children's lives.<br />
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1) First we have to decide upon our fundamental response<br />
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#A) we can close over the wound, hide the shrapnel, develop gangrene, actually commit suicide instead of just wishing we could, or we can solve that problem and just go dead <i>inside</i> from Betrayal.. # B) Pick ourselves up and stagger on pretending that nothing fundamental just happened. We'll deal with the PTSD later.<br />
# C) Grieve what has ended. Give ourselves time to grow our (new) selves back. Better than ever. PTG. Transformer toy but way better because we are in charge of our transformation.<br />
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2) After that fundamental choice there are other choices to be made, especially if we chose #B) or #C) above. We need to find friends willing to "understand." women willing to "be there" for us.<br />
We need gather our team, our tribe. Like Evie says, we need to find ourselves in "good company"<br />
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We need (hopefully) three who will listen, offer inspiration, point out the bigger picture, explain "boat maintenance" help us row our kids out of harm's way, row toward a better shore. We need women with whom we can discuss our and their transformation.<br />
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Some of our "advisers" may already be personal friends who stuck by us, they might be counselors,We might discover "sisters" out there in blogisphere, just other woman who know about betrayal. We need sounding boards able to listen and sympathize without trying to take over. Friends we trust to tell stories of where they've been. What worked and what didn't, for them. And then we need to help someone else who just heard the knock at the door.<br />
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It's our choice but we need them, They need us. Nobody really goes it alone.<br />
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In her book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/books">Sleeping With a Stranger, <u>How I survived Marriage to a Child Molester</u>,</a> Patricia Wiklund highly recommends we find what she calls an "Administrator" who can accompany us to meetings, hearings etc. and keep track of appointments for us in the first stages, when we feel overwhelmed. Later they'll bring the wine and celebrate our successes with us. (And help us fend off those "Villagers with Flaming Pitch-forks" when necessary.)<br />
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These friends are the sympathetic women Evie referred to in her "Pulling Back the Curtain of Shame" blog post. .<br />
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3) Rule # 3 is <u>NEVER Quit on Ourselves.</u> (Remember we did not Choose #A to begin with and there is no going back now. We have already come too far to give up on ourselves and our children.) <i>Persevere</i>. Look at Betrayal from a whole different angle ( Remember Evie's blog about how she is now actually grateful to the young girl who reported Jake? The girl Evie said she once hated as the reason people found out and her world imploded... back then?)<br />
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Keep on keeping on. There will be other "new" angles No one can transform our lives <i>for</i> you. Why should they? I'm not saying there won't be times when all we want to do is <i> </i> just climb in bed and pull covers over our heads. The world will NOT go away just because we wish it would. Wine does not take care of everything. Eating by the light of the refrigerator won't cut it. Besides we have to fit into our clothes. We have to "interview our interviewer" and clinch our future tomorrow.<br />
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4) In some ways we need to take our time. It's not time to "forget and forgive" just because someone else tells us we ought to. We need to Recognize our strengths. Reward our own bravery. Remember PTG? Perhaps we can't wish away the whole world but with perseverance we can transform <i>our</i> world and ourselves with it.<br />
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Steal one of your kid's transformer toys. Make that little plastic transformer a reminder. Carry it around in your purse. Don't we know that every Heroine has a Talisman and a Smile and a Sword? My talisman is a little plastic figure hanging off my file cabinet. She's a little Red Headed Disney Princess dressed in a long blue dress <i>and cross bow</i> ...Just as a reminder that there is a before and after....<br />
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PTG!Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488505922729740757.post-29999402227461789602017-05-07T07:30:00.000-06:002017-05-07T07:30:01.159-06:00Speaking of REAL Apologies , Making REAL amends is more than "What do you want? I said I'm sorry (sorry I got caught out)."(not the 'sorry you feel that way sort of non-apology that just expects the person we harmed "to get over it" This is hurting me more than I ever harmed you?) There are 3 Components to a Real Apology:one that CAN HEAL BOTH THE PERSON WE HARMED AND HEAL US TOO. Recently there have been a couple of people who 'commented' on Not the Life who weren't commenting but just relieving themselves of 'emotional overload" by attacking others here on the Blog. Even when they (sort or) acknowledged/ apologized realizing they might have gone just a tad too far in 'expressing their anger/ resentment (might dumped stuff on us maybe because they were angry, resentful but too afraid to say their stuff to the people/ authorities / family members/ prison guards/ social workers/ neighbors and mothers and maybe even the "Offender who was arrested when they knocked on our door and the whole world feel apart ? All the people we/ they ARE actually enraged at. (I do know the feeling, the rage and resentment that build up...It's NOT fair but if we attack each other?)<br />
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Some folks let their anger get away from them. They chose us to dump on us, they troll Not the Life. Say WE we're 'not entirely honest" and Question others on Not the Life instead of actually apologizing for dumping their rage on others here instead of telling us their stories.) Why? Maybe because they got hurt and thought we were a safe place to dump their anger and resentment. After all how dare the wives and families of Sex Offenders complain and who could we complain to anyway except each other? So that left them free to rail and rant and hurt us and themselves here on Not the Life even though they were just hurt and MAD period and they had months/ years of 'unfairness' to dump. (Welcome to our world? I know the hurt. I lash out sometimes and need to go back and really apologize. I've been dumped on before and this certainly won't be the last time but a REAL apology certainly helps both me and as well as the person who chose to harm me as it turns out.)<br />
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<b>SO I want to talk about Real Apologies (not the yes but kind we all hear and offer so often) </b><br />
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The 3 Components come from a book <i><u><b>REVISIONING ACTIVISM bringing depth, dialogue, and diversity to individual and social change </b></u></i>by David Bedrick J.D. He seems to think that those of us experiencing prejudice and injustice in the 'outside' world can learn to be the better person ( can learn to apologize and heal each other and maybe even begin to heal ourselves of the anger and resentment that led us to take advantage/ bully/ attack others when we actually recognize our part in causing harm, work through our anger and then be able to offer a real apology to those we have harmed<br />
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<b>So here goes: </b><br />
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<b>Part 1) A clear statement of the offending action</b> ( thus demonstrating that s/he knew what s/he had done and taken responsibility for causing harm.) A non-apology sounds like this: "I'm sorry you feel that way." which implies the offender has not done anything offensive and the problem is just in the eye of the offender OR that vague old standby: " I'm deeply sorry for the actions that resulted in this circumstance" as though no person actually committed 'actions' and thus there's no one need for them to understand what led to their own actions, take responsibility for changing and responsibility for not harming others in the same way in future.<br />
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<b>Part 2) An expression of deep empathy for the person they offended.</b> A valuable apology needs to consider the point of view and experience of the person they offended NOT just I'm sorry YOU feel that way ( suck it up/ get over it..Can't you see I'm apologizing that you feel offended?)<br />
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<b>Part 3) A deep and honest understanding of your own motivations for 'doing' the offending action...</b>without this willingness to admit what you get out of harming the people you harmed/ offended you will continue to apologize and apologize and continuing re-committing the actions that caused the offense.<br />
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What <b>David Bedrick's "How to Apologize"</b> chapter envisions is that by taking responsibility for and understanding our actions caused harm, by empathizing with those our actions/ words/ nasty looks harmed and by having courage to understanding what we got out of dumping/ disrespecting taking advantage of them in word/ deed we might just become a better persons than we used to be you know, back when we dumped on everyone around us because we felt so sorry for ourselves.<br />
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<b>Making REAL amends is more than "What do you want? I said I'm sorry (sorry I got caught out)."</b><br />
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<b>Real apologies take work, and humility and they are healing. They allow us to go on. </b><br />
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Janet Mackiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07550081765984574061noreply@blogger.com0