We are NOT alone if we only...

 Perhaps because, here in NV, I’ve often felt so isolated, so siloed by prejudice against those labeled “sex-offenders” and so shamed as a person who has chosen to stick with “my” SO, I began to reach out to find other individuals, other organizations with people impacted by the same prejudice against me and mine. Unfortunately, I have become aware of how siloed in our own little groups, how prejudiced, many of us are.

For example, few seem to realize that if they live in one of 20 states + the Feds where involuntary civil commitment “treatment facilities” exist (to see if you live in one of the 20 states/ the Feds go to www.cure-sort.org or educate yourself about involuntary civil commitment request their brochure). Registrants in these 20 states + the Feds don’t seem to know that if revoked on the Registry (with or without a new sex related conviction) they can be held, forensically evaluated as “likely” to be dangerous to themselves or another person at some unspecified point in the future, forensically labeled SVP (sexually Violent Preditor) and based solely on a prediction they can be, not imprisoned for a set length of time but, instead, sent directly to  one of the state’s “treatment” facilities and indefinitely detained “likely” forever.    

SPV, you say? Well, they deserve what they get. “My” guy is better-than. “Those SVP’s” they ought to be indefinitely detained. Anyone who would choose to stick with an SVP is… Reminds me of standing in line at the prison and having to keep quiet about “your” loved one’s sex-related conviction for fear of blow-back from the better-than-crowd.

There is one NV group that seems to have over come their prejudice, their “my guy is better than” syndrome, The Friends and Family of Incarcerated Persons ( FFIP.NV@gmail.com ) is now Prison Families Alliance (PFA). https://PrisonFamiliesAlliance.org Message phone: (702) 763-1389. FFIP NV is attempting to get out of the silo and go national. They have a monthly Calendar with a Support for Families of “sex-offenders” zoom group with people from all over the US.  Family and friends are welcome whatever state you live in.

No, I’m not suggesting you stop what you are doing against the Registry restrictions. No, I’m not suggesting leave your local Fearless Group, or any group if you have one, not suggesting you leave NARSOL https://narsol.org or WAR https://ww1.womenagainstregistry.org or ACSOL https://all4consolaws.org or a group fighting against terrible prison conditions, https://perilouschronicle.com. Maybe Google and watch  videos at Cure National  cure@curenational.org) check out CAGE ladyjusticemyth@gmail.com an organization against phone stings or contact Sherri Harlow thoughtasweak@yahoo.com? 

I ’m just saying we all need to climb out of our silos. We all have skin in the game in more ways than we realize.  There are allies out there, people we can help and who can help us grow to critical mass and, together, we will be able to effect real change. But first we need to examine ourselves and recover from our own “better-than” prejudice, reach out and add our strength to theirs. So next time you hear that some sister-group in your state, maybe EndMSOP in MN ( www.the voicesofocean.net ) is going to hand out Brochures against involuntary civil commitment at the state fair, grab your own brochures and hand out in solidarity with them. It will lessen the pain of isolation and, together, we will all be better able to attack the injustice each of us faces every day.   

 

Never heard of Involuntary Civil Commitment? A rose by any other name is still a prison

 20 states, the District of Columbia and the Federal System place people accused of sex related crimes in Involuntary Civil Commitment.  (Arizona, California, Florida, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia, Washington, and Wisconsin) and the District of Columbia have enacted laws permitting the civil commitment of those forensically evaluated as "dangerous.")

These states get around having to respect peoples rights under the constitution by claiming Involuntary Civil Commitment "Facilities" are not prisons and therefore are not "punishment" for the sex offenders forensically "evaluated" and sent there sometimes before they have even been  actually convicted of any sex related crime. But adjudicated or unadjudicated the legislatures in these 20 states have statutes which allow "Forensic" Psychological evaluators to label inmates of these facilities as SVP (sexually violent predators) and other "diagnosis" which conform to the legislative construct rather than to any actual DSM psychiatric diagnosis (the American Psychiatric Association  has come out against these state sponsored forensic "diagnosis" as Unethical) 

Dennis Doren who, as they say "wrote the bible"  Evaluating Sex Offenders, A Manual for Civil Commitment and Beyond,  admits his made-up diagnostic labels are unethical (because they don't diagnose any real problem. They just claim someone may be "dangerous to themselves or others and may commit unidentified action in future. But, never the less Doren urges more "forensic evaluators" to get on board (it's a very lucrative field) These dangerous faux-evaluations keep/ send people with sex related convictions (or presumed future actions) inside non-prisons even after they've served their prison sentences. For those of us "on the registries" in one of the 20 states, it also means that should your loved one be deemed to have violated the rules and restrictions of the Registry, they might not be sent back to prison, but could be sent to one of these Involuntary Civil Commitment "facilities.  

But these "facilities do not require a conviction or term of incarceration. Simply put, anyone sent to Involuntary Civil Commitment is incarcerated only with a Forensic Label NO life , no life-with-out  sentence required: the forensic evaluations labels mean your loved one has an sentence of "Indefinite Detention. Put plainly, people are more likely to "be set free" in a pine box than to actually live to be set free from one of these involuntary civil commitment "facilities". 

Please download and READ the report : Treatment Industrial Complex: How for profit prison corporations are undermining efforts to treat and rehabilitate Prisoners for corporate gain. (ufsc.org/sites/default/files/documents/TIC-report-online.pdf ) Or for more information please contact American Friends Service Committee ( clsaacs@afc.org.org ) or (520) 623-9141 

I once thought just getting rid of  prejudice against us and our families / finally making it off  parole/ off state Registries was what family and friends on the "outside" needed to strive for but more states than "just" these 20 states have passed legislation enabling the spread of "Involuntary Civil Commitment" so perhaps to your state is next on the for-profit list using incarceration and faux therapy of human beings as a means not to make anyone "safe" but as an ever broadening income stream and a means of pleasing "stockholders" at our expense?  

Isolation kills even years and years later,

Even after you've been "on the registry" with your "significant other" for as long as I have been.
I guess I just forgot how many others are coming up, having to deal with the labeling and the shunning, the prejudice that ignites lynch mobs and makes even family members turn against each other. Today I got an email from a woman whose husband is just starting the (endless) legal process from arrest to conviction to the Registry. I tried to reach out and offer some comfort. I try to provide some help to frightened people just experiencing the "knock on the door." and frightened of what comes next. I try not to be too blunt about the "system." They need encouragement to face what comes next. To face the education they are about to receive about how the "system" really works.

I've (and my husband) have been "on the registry" for years now. My husband was convicted in 1976 just after her returned from Vietnam. When he got out of prison there wasn't even a "Registry." just the usual parole supervision which worked pretty well to protect children and help people change.

But, after all these years of "social isolation" it's still lonely. Oh, I have good friends, some of whom "know" but most I met at work  or in other situations where I was living a sort of  compartmentalized life. "On the registry" friends in  one segment of your life know only your public "self." I have other friends who only know my husband has been in prison (a shaming enough admission for some to decide they didn't want to know me/us)

People you like and trust in one setting may turn against you if they know about  the other "compartment" of your life (most have no idea what it means to "be on the registry." They rely on the prejudices they learned in the middle class society to "judge" people like us.) Even people whom I thought weren't prejudiced look at me differently when they learn my husband's on parole. Taking a chance on losing the few friends you have by "telling" your husband's not just a parolee but a Registrant is pretty scary and often a risk I don't want to take.

My husband is still on the Registry at 76. We still have monthly "visits" from Parole Officers and monthly visits to the Office of Parole and Probation. (He says he's tired of training newby parole officers) He's required to renew his drivers license every year.This year he had to get a "Real ID" / driver's license because the deadline to get a "Real ID "is Oct. 2020.  Luckily, we already had certified copies of most of the paperwork (birth certificates, etc.)  I dread to think what other registrants will go through if they are homeless/ just out of prison etc. or if they have to contact another state for their documents and must do that before some date set by P&P or risk being violated and sent back to prison ( in this state any violation is a felony carrying a 6 year sentence)

Because NV went from a risk based tier system to a system (the Adam Walsh Act) a system that assigns tiers based solely upon original conviction 2 years ago, my 76 year old husband suddenly went from tier 2 up to tier 3. This means he must go to the Sheriffs Dept and check in and give his fingerprints every 90 day (counting from his DOB)

Now that we're both "retired" we manage to get by but our financial situation would be a lot better if he had been allowed to work and earn without all the restrictions imposed  by the Registry.
We manage but we still must live in a parole and probation "approved" location and the rents here, as in most places around the country, are going up and up. If we can't live here, not only will we have to find a place we can afford, but a place they will allow us to live (and  HUD will not allow "offenders" or those with any felony conviction in any senior citizens housing. God help the homeless "registrant" )

You say, So What? He (and YOU) deserve what you get.
You say children's safety matters.
 I agree. No child's safety is expendable.

 But  there has got to be a better way than this endless piling on,  this endless punishing isolation.

The stigma attached to reporting abuse

I recently published my memoir but sometimes I feel like I felt when I went to school and showed teachers my bruises and was ignored

July 31, 2019

There is still a huge stigma attached to "telling" and it's  alive and well in spite of #MeToo"   Although the memoir Silenced Lives, the Sex Offender's Legacy received good recommendations and several people bought and tread the book, they report they found it hard to read "heavy" was the word they used because it was about 4 generations of abuse running through my family. 

I don't know if they are too soft hearted to read about child abuse, or if they find themselves triggered from their own experiences. Maybe, like me, they were told " just don't think about it."  But as you and people who search for "not the Life" because they are in need of support, just don't think about it solves nothing and, unfortunately, it helps the generational cycle of abuse to continue.  Several women who read the book, found it very valuable but spoiler alert, for some it triggered  rememberance of their own experience.  They told me they too were raped either as children or as young adults. One woman said she had only ever told 4 people including me.  

If you bought and read the book Silenced Lives maybe you would share some feedback? Or even leave a review on Amazon?  (please buy the book using Amazon Smile so your favorite non-profit charity also reaps some benefit.)

I think sexual abuse is so embedded in our society that most people do not want to see how wide spread and how crippling it can be for both boys and girls and how much sexual violence silences us all (unless of course you are rich and "above the law" then it is apparently a means of demonstrating you are one of the big boys at the top of the family or at the top of the social heap. I was really shocked at the recent hearings to confirm the Supreme Court vacancy. I thought we had come further toward justice...and no, I don't think revenge is justice. I don't agree with the US Olympic team's "performance" in court against their coach. But that's another topic.

For those of us who have heard the knock at the door and had all social connections stripped away (along with a family member we love) we know what it means to suddenly discover our family is "expendable."

I recently read a book called Lost Connections which describes how our social "selves" are stripped away and we are set adrift at the know upon the door (followed after prison) by the 900,000+ public Sex Offender Registry whose sole purpose doesn't seem to be to protect children but to keep everyone from ever regaining a productive place in work and society.

The problem with stripping us of all our connections especially when the "perpetrator" is a sex-curious minor is that the whole system is bent upon making the rest of their lives "a an example" in order to feed those employed by  "justice system."

I don't believe, "once a perpetrator, always a perpetrator." I think if we are willing to listen, if we intervene early, if our intervention is healing and not just purposely destructive we have a chance of breaking the transgenerational cycle of abuse that harmed 4 generations of my family.

Oh, yes and if we allow ourselves to be "trauma informed" and stop averting our eyes when a 4th grader shows up in short sleeves in order to display her bruises....  Take care, Janet Mackie 

Silenced Lives was hard for me to write but it taught me so much about myself and how it was that the cycle of child sexual abuse harmed so many in my family. Please read Silenced Lives and join me in speaking out in order to protect the next generation of children. join me in vowing No More Victims.

 Silenced Lives:

The Sex Offender’s Legacy

By Janet Mackie

Book Summary                                                                         

Silenced Liives is a  memoir that takes courage to write. Author Janet Mackie shares family stories exposing a pattern of child sexual abuse that surfaced over a hundred years ago on a Nebraska farm, when Mackie’s bullied and abused Great Uncle Andrew was “disappeared” by his brother Paw Paw. The incident is silenced but Andrew’s grieving mother banishes Paw Paw and his devout wife to Black Tower. Once there, Paw Paw bullies and abuses their children, Mackie’s 5-year-old father among them.  Mackie’s angry and resentful father survives to marry, then abuses Mackie and her brothers. 

Powerless to protect, Mackie’s grandmother advises, “Just don’t think about ‘it.’” Mackie, called her mother’s “most stubborn little girl,” blots out her experience and manages to survive childhood only to marry a man “strangely like her father.”

In turn, Mackie’s daughter survives her father’s sexual abuse but also marries a controlling man “strangely like her father.”

Finally freed by her father’s death, Mackie sets out to discover “Why me? Why my family?” Her deftly written, engaging stories illustrate how, over time, abuse can create abuse that cycles forth to harm generations as yet unborn unless we, too, gather courage and speak out. 

Praise for Silenced Lives 

“Janet Mackie has indeed crafted a most compelling read. Her book is, in essence, a family saga, replete with abuse, horror, love, secrecy and regret. She convincingly argues that child sexual abuse can pervade ongoing generations with its destruction unless it is brought out of secrecy, acknowledged and addressed. In a most unique way, she is able to weave the stories of those who have endured sexual abuse at the hands of a family member with those who perpetrated the abuse. In so doing she is able to impart to the reader both understanding and compassion for all involved. This is a profoundly personal and intimate look at a family who has been affected by the cycle of abuse. However, in telling these stories she has provided the reader with a clear picture of what is at stake and how we might move forward so that future generations will not continue to suffer.”

-- Kate Thomas, Ph.D., Director of Clinical Services, The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic

More Praise for Silenced Lives 

“Reading like a novel, this book shines a bright light deep into the dark recesses of child sexual exploitation. It also starts to unravel the bewildering inter-generational aspects of this phenomenon.” 

-- Charles M. McGee, Sr. District Judge; Second Judicial District Court, State of Nevada, Washoe County

“Silenced Lives is a beautifully written, raw personal account of the transgenerational effects of sexual abuse. Thank you, Janet Mackie, for your courage in sharing your voice to make a difference for others.”

-- Dr. Nancy B. Irwin, PsyD, C.Ht.  

A book like Silenced Lives,...by veteran social worker Janet Mackie, is long overdue. Until now, the public has never had concrete proof that the silent-shame cycle of sexual abuse is responsible for churning out victims, offenders, and enablers generation after generation. Now there can be no doubt. Many “experts” on sexual abuse deny that abuse causes abuse. Perhaps they want to reassure survivors that we are not in danger of becoming “monsters.” And they are right that most survivors do not go on to abuse. Still, a disproportionate number of sex offenders were sexually abused as children. Mackie doesn’t let this seeming paradox distract her from writing about the actual dynamics and facts of inherited abuse. In Silenced Lives, Mackie puts a human face on sex offenders, survivors, and enablers by inviting us into her family’s legacy of “hand-me-down” pain. Mackie was intimately violated by people who were violated by people who were violated by ... and so on. Mackie proves that one generation’s abuse caused the next generation’s abuse when she depicts idiosyncratic similarities of the abuse rituals that were handed down from one perpetrator to the next. Silenced Lives shows sex offenders hiding away in shame—the very shame they act out during their crimes. If they dared seek help, no one would help them anyway since conventional wisdom is, “Once a sex offender, always a sex offender.” They are considered monsters beyond redemption. Meanwhile, the survivors in Silenced Lives get the message that if they were abused, something must be wrong with them. They are told, “We don’t talk about such things.” So, they don’t get the help they need either. Those who suspect or know of abuse don’t want to get tainted by the shame associated with it, so they remain silent. And the secret abuse continues. 

Like Mackie, I was sexually abused as a child. Unlike Mackie, however, I chose to act out the secret shame by perpetrating a sex crime of my own. I don’t blame what I did on what happened to me. I made a choice. However, if I had been able to read Silenced Lives before I let my life get totally out of control, I would have understood the cause of my rape fantasies. Both I and the person I harmed might have escaped the cycle. Better late than never. That’s not what you’ll be saying about the ending of “Silenced Lives,” though. Painful as the family legacy is, Mackie writes so well you’ll want to keep reading even after “the end.” And that’s as it should be, because, as Silenced Lives makes clear, we are a long way from “the end” of the cycle of abuse. 
– Paul Hanley, author of Roller Coaster to Hell and Back: A True Story of Sexual Abuse and New Hope.

Available now on Amazon.com.   


Until I inherited the dusty box of family letters, photos, and memories that form the basis of my memoir Silenced Lives: The Sex Offender’s Legacy, I too thought child molestation was a  personal family tragedy to be quarantined by silence  and shame. I didn't realize that the child sexual abuse that so grievously affected my own family, the abuse that made me angrily assert "This is not the Life I Chose" (and it wasn't) however abuse is not a historic just appearing out of nowhere but can be traced, at least in my family, down 4 generations. Only by speaking out can any of us break the pattern and ensure the safety of generations to come. 

Blame the Mother: And speaking of friendship: someone who needs friendship... What do you think? There but for the grace of.... Please comment

A Meridian Idaho woman who failed to report the sexual abuse of her daughter by her husband will spend 19 days in jail as a result, as well as two years on probation.

Melinda Maloney, 46, pleaded guilty Wednesday morning to one count of failure to report child abuse, a misdemeanor. As a result of that plea agreement, attorneys from the Ada County Prosecuting Attorney’s Office asked 4th District Court Judge Daniel Steckel to dismiss the other charge Maloney faced, which was destruction of evidence.

Maloney is married to Craig Maloney, 47, a former Meridian veterinarian who in October was sentenced to up to 40 years in prison for the decade-long sexual abuse of his stepdaughter — Melinda Maloney’s biological daughter — from the time the girl was 4 until she was 14.

In the spring of last year, the girl told her mother about the sexual abuse, but Melinda Maloney, despite being a social worker and a mandatory reporter, did not report the abuse, she admitted in court Tuesday. Eight months later the girl told her father, who called the police and initiated the investigation that ended with the arrest of both Craig and Melinda Maloney, who was arrested in September.

When asked why Melinda Maloney did not report the abuse, Katelyn Farley, one of the case’s prosecutors, in court Tuesday said the woman replied she “was going through a custody battle and did not want it to affect her business.”

“That person who was supposed to help (the victim), who was supposed to protect her, did not,” Farley said.

Dennis Benjamin, Melinda’s attorney, pointed out Melinda Maloney forced her husband to move out of the house when she became aware of the abuse.

“She did fail to report it, but she took steps to protect her children,” Benjamin said.

One of the reasons for the plea agreement, the prosecutor told Steckel, was the 14-year-old girl’s reluctance to testify in court against her mother. Instead, prosecutors asked Steckel to sentence Melinda Maloney to 19 days in jail, as well as to pay a $250 fine, with another $250 possible if she does not comply with her unsupervised two-year probation.

Melinda Maloney is also under investigation by the Idaho Board of Social Work Examiners because of her failure to report the abuse.

Tommy Simmons is the Ada County public safety reporter for the Idaho Press. Follow him on Twitter @tsimmonsipt

Jail, probation for Meridian social worker who didn't report daughter's ...

https://www.idahopress.com/...meridian-social-worker.../article_02fdaff9-a21b-52d7-b3...

Nov 7, 2018 - In the spring of last year, the girl told her mother about the sexual abuse, but Melinda Maloney, despite being a social worker and a mandatory ..

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For those of us who are still too afraid to build relationships after the knock on the door, 2019 is time to "unfreeze"? Time to find ways to get started again.? Search the internet, find a team you can play for that does not insist on judging you by the worst thing that happened in your life (and the decisions you have made since then)? Oh, I know, most o those around you (at work or maybe even at Church, perhaps in your neighborhood will continue to be acquaintances you will still hold at arms length because you knw how prejudiced they are however if you can count 3 friends who know the whole truth, who can be there for you even when you need to complain about how the parole officer wrecked your house the last time they came, or tell the truth to about how the real facts of your everyday life...well post here on Not the Life and tell me, tell us all how you went about/ what changes in your thinking made it possible to make friends with that friend.

Dear Mindful Readers, A new year provides a chance to reflect on the aspects of your life you want to strengthen—and for many of us, that includes checking in on the constellation of relationships we’ve cultivated over the years. Whether it be with your friends, family, coworkers, or partner, here are three ways to build stronger relationships in 2019: 1. Recognize your true friends. Making friends is tough—and a true friend should never be taken for granted. But sometimes, the people you hold close may not be treating you the way you deserve. Explore these six signs of a strong friendship to discover all the ways a friend can enrich your life. 2. Listen to what’s being said. We’ve all caught ourselves tuning out midway through a conversation, either to prepare our response, tackle our mental to-do list, or even *gasp* check a phone notification. But failing to listen to what’s being said deprives our relationships of value and impedes connection. Try these five key mindful listening techniques to give your full attention in the next conversation you have. 3. Know when to forgive. It’s nearly impossible to foster a relationship with someone if you harbor feelings of distrust or uncertainty toward them. While you may not have the ability to forget what’s happened, you always have the power to forgive those who have hurt you. Follow this guided meditation to make amends with both yourself and others. Here’s hoping you all find moments to enjoy being mindful this week. With warmest wishes, The Mindful Team

Christmas Greetings, May the New Year be better than the last

I wanted to reach out to those of you who (like me) feel isolated and set apart from your neighbors and even often times from family and friends by the label and condemnation affixed to those related to people in prison or whose names are on the Registry. Did you know there are over 900,000 names on sex offender registries nationwide? So how many wives, children, family members are out here or standing in line at some prison or afraid of being fired if someone vengeful finds out our stubborn connection to a loved one, a family member or to a child harmed by not only by circumstance but by the justice system.

We are not alone. But we have been shamed and silenced and separated from each other. I wanted to post this on Not the Life I chose to let you know I too feel alone and lonely but I know you are out there, you understand, you also are dealing with collateral damage and you are continuing to deal with prejudice, labels, and the fear of being rejected once again. So we spend time searching the internet for blogs like Not the Life, we stand in line, we comfort our children and find strength in eachother.

We are still strong for each other. 

The most important question is NOT "Do I still love him? (in spite of all this)

This website is a place to share. It's not usual that events on a national stage hit so close to home but I, like many of you, watched Christine Blasey Ford's testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee on national TV. I also watched Brett Kavanaugh's heated denials.

My thoughts were with Kavanaugh's wife. She, like many of us on Not the Life, may have found the whole tears, anger, denial circus sadly familiar. Maybe not. Luckily for her, the committee voted for her husband's version of events. But she must know her husband pretty well (or has come to the conclusion that she doesn't know her husband at all.) In any case she has a long road ahead. 

On the other side of the political spectrum, Hilary Clinton says that, years ago, when  she was forced to decide whether or not to leave Bill Clinton over his infidelities with Monica Lewinski (et. al.) she asked herself what she says is the most important question: "Do I still love him?"

I beg to differ. When faced with this impossible choice, even if we tell ourselves "Yes I still love him" we have to ask ourselves, "Does this person deserve my love?" Is this person now (or willing to become) honest/ trustworthy? Is he into "victim blaming" Does he expect me to follow along lockstep with his version of events in spite of what I know about his proclivities/weaknesses, (perhaps his drinking, his bullying, his other betrayals?)

When we can say "Yes" with a clear conscience to the second question: "Yes,  he worthy of my love?" then, and only then, can we decide the question "Should we stay? Or should we go?" 

And proceed down the long difficult road set before us.

The man who molested my children died last night He died unrepentant, blaming others, spouting lies. In the end he was trapped in his own denial, unable to find a new path, unable to change even if he'd wanted to. His adamant denial painted him into a corner from which he never dared escape.

He went to meet his maker still attacking those he betrayed, still calling them "liar," still denying harms he'd committed, still denying responsibility for his actions.  His narrative insisted he was the "real" victim pilloried by an "unfair" system. Nothing he had ever done was as bad as what "they" had done to him. His faithful defenders took up his refrain. They attacked and silenced all those who questioned his version blaming everyone but him. They needed to believe his protestations of "innocence" in order to escape the shame and blame that accrues to family members, in order to escape collateral damage.

After all these years, I don't know whether to mourn or celebrate his passing. I feel angry but mostly I feel sad that he saved all his sympathy for himself. He chose to inflict the same harm he once suffered in his childhood, upon his own children who trusted him. Even after his "memorial" service, his betrayals, his denials, continue to divide family members who must fall silent in each other's presence. We "keep the peace" fearing, should we speak out, there will be an attack from across the divide his actions and his denials continue to create. Thus the wounds he inflicted cycle on in this family even after his death. 

For with death, all chance he might someday say, "Sorry" or make difficult amends passes with him. In death, he too lost all opportunity to choose change, grow past his own "bad childhood," gain self-respect, recover and, in the process, put paid to his own trauma and help us all heal from festering wounds he inflicted.

Instead, with his ever-shifting denials, he unwittingly painted himself into a corner from which he couldn't escape.  His poor-me stories gathered a group of staunch believers/ intrepid defenders.  In his defense, they ruthlessly and self-righteously went on the attack. Even had he wanted to speak the truth, acknowledge harms done, change, recover, he dared not. After all, he'd lied to his defender's too. In doing so he betrayed their trust just as he'd betrayed the trust of the children who once trusted him not to take sexual advantage of their vulnerability. They wouldn't take kindly to knowing his stories had made fools of them, his lies had betrayed them too. How could they avoid shame and blame after defending him to the bitter end?

Thus, he'd glued himself in place. He had to stick by his lies if, for no other reason to continue in the good graces "protectors." prevent them from turning on him. He couldn't tell the truth, couldn't grow, couldn't experience a change of heart or reach out to make amends to victims.  So bought into their own role as "blameless defenders" his "saviors." If he admitted the truth, showed remorse, changed with age, they'd have been forced to see themselves differently also. What if in their quest to be seen as blameless in front of the neighbors, they abandoned him?

So, for whatever reason, he never admitted to truths necessary to seek change. Even after his death, his lies live on, assume a toxic afterlife. Family members still take sides, attack each other across the divide. His "saviors" repeat his version: He's their martyr.  Others, struggle on, "keeping the Peace," with their own truth still trapped, silenced by fear of more attacks. 

Should silence cease and truth rear it's ugly head, what would become of family then?

He's gone but t's not over. Why not take the easy way? Why not tiptoe off in silence now that he's dead?   Why speak up now?  Why post this blog on Not the Life?

Because this is not the Life I thought I was choosing when we two married. Because this family is drifting furth and further apart in the Silence.  What about the next generation of my family? He harmed his children in the same ways he was harmed as a child.  Even in death, the silenced legacy of sexual abuse cycles on in this family. Lies fester. 

Overcoming fear, speaking out, reaching out, matters because, (as I have learned on Not the Life,) sharing the truth has power to heal us all regardless which 'side' we're on. Speaking out means we have an opportunity to discover the 3rd path, find healing, find a restorative justice.  Staying silent only extends the harms done.

Perhaps if my Ex had dared admit the truth sooner, perhaps restorative justice might have restored him as well as the separated parts of this family. It might have offered him a path back and given him a real opportunity to exit the "corner' he'd painted himself (and this family.) He might have made a  new life before death took away his opportunity for change.

Did females in his family insist upon his claim of "innocence" because in their heart of hearts they believed "Once a sex offender, always a sex offender"?  Did they stifle the truth, attack his victims, because they believed no one "like that"could ever change? If so,  he kept up the charade and drank himself to death instead. 

I wonder how many more families, quick to spring to the defense of a loved one after the police knocked on the door, fail to see that in their adamant defense of his "innocence,' they require their loved to stay stuck in denial for the rest of his life their sakes as much as for his?

 Take care, Janet Mackie

Ever wonder How mob violence and 'COLLATERAL DAMAGE' "just happens?" Wonder why adding the indelible label "Rapist" to Mexican, triggers mob prejudice and justifies violence against all of us.

Google "How Evil Happens" by Noga Arikha for the 
brain science answer to Why even family attacks us 
if we choose to stay after the Knock on the door...
It also may explain why recidivism is very low/ almost 
non-existent once our loved one (finally) released from
prison. It's a long (sort of 'technical) read' but if 
I understand what the article is telling us all, being bullied and coerced is what ultimately 
causes neurological change and has bad consequences) 
down the road for us all. ) 

It also might help to explain the mob mentality exhibited at
the 'show trial' of Larry Nasser.  

And why my father was so obsessed with becoming a 
man just like his father, that he forgot to care about the 
damage he was inflicting and abused us just as his 
father abused him as a child...



https://aeon.co/essays/is-neuroscience-getting-closer-to-explaining-evil-behaviour;  

Some thoughts on ancient prejudices, collateral damage and healing. My 'take' on Larry Nasser's "Show trial": Revenge is not Justice even when the accused actually is guilty. To be just, Justice must not be a 'show trial' it must offer some means of "restoration" for the community at large, for the abused, those of us who experiencing collateral damage and, yes, even the abuser, Mob Justice/ revenge (perhaps especially against those who are guilty ) should not be used to rile everyone up, renew prejudice, and re-elect politicians

Revenge is not justice and a “show trial” followed inevitably by a hanging "no matter what the circumstances" only convinces the lynch mob (and apparently the judge) that their prejudice about people who abuse ( “ once a...always a”) was right all along. It gives impetus to revenge and dead-end beliefs that say the only way to stop an "abuser" is to hang/incarcerate or place in Civil Commitment Forever-and-Ever.  Collateral damage all around. The only way to 'help' is to cast the family out along with the abuser if we don't eagerly join the lynch mob.

 But....

The old joke about a trial followed by a hanging  (even when the person on trial probably is guilty,) does not lend itself to restorative justice or healing even for  Larry Nasser's ‘victims’ who now have to remain forever labeled Larry Nassar’s “victims’ just to prove Larry Nassar is the forever “Monster’ the "justice system" says he is in order to continue to  justify the 'hanging' that followed his trial., (After all if they manage to heal and become survivors who go on with their lives, how does that justify the continued prejudice that says "Once a...forever a..."? So they have to do their part and remain forever traumatized "Once a victim...always a victim"?

After what amounted to a show trial followed by a "death sentence" handed down by the judge,  what abuser would dare raise his hand and ask for help?  Won't such a vengeful 'justice" just scare off any and all abusers who might want help /  who realize they are abusive and want to stop? And what family member will dare raise their hand and report after seeing what ‘justice’ is in store for weeping victims or even for abusers (some of whom they may still love?)

Check out this story on USATODAY.com: https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7 

After all, Nassar said he was molested as a child (#MeToo) I don’t believe that absolves him of his choice to become and continue as an abuser. But wouldn’t it have been a far better outcome for him to have received help as a child/ or even as an adult? What if he'd felt free to have dared ask for help before or shortly after he began? 

For an abuser or an abused person or a family member to be brave enough to reach out for help before harm is done (or even shortly after) requires bravery in this present social climate. We live silenced lives in fear of being cast out should we acknowledge there is a (Silenced) problem if we ask for help or speak out about abuse. 

But if someone ( especially Larry Nassar) had been able to break the silence and stop the abuse years ago,  that would have saved the 200 some weeping victims? Wouldn't Breaking the Silence        ( and being met by restorative justice instead fear of the lynch mob)  have been better than supporting a revenge model of "justice" which Silences and ultimately allows more harm  (even cycling from generation to generation as in my family)

As family members, as children, as wives/gf's/ mothers perhaps even past/ present victims, we are often caught in the middle.  We have a unique perspective because we are the ones/ the families that the current system often also victimizes /leaves un-restored. 

What do you think? 

 Larry Nassar seeks resentencing, wants judge who signed his 'death 

warrant' off case

Larry Nassar, through his court-appointed attorneys, has asked for a new
judge to sentence him, saying that Judge Rosemarie Aquilina was
'admittedly not an unbiased and impartial judge.'

Check out this story on USATODAY.com: https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7 

Take care, Janet Mackie

Speaking of Hate Speach. Sticks and Stone may break our bones but it's those Loaded Words that wound us all the most...

 Before any of us dare break the Silence and begin to talk openly airing our side of the issue we need to find ways to refer to each other that don't further inflame the lynch mob.  

I’m assuming the common ground we all advocate for is effective intervention and prevention? Or, at least, more kindness and less cruelty in word and deed all round? 
and perhaps less collateral damage for wives, mothers, and families to deal with.   

We need to find new language (instead of just repeating the indelible labels such as Predator, Monster, Dangerous Sexual Psychopath.  All of these indelible labels carry old baggage that only serves to inflame and re-energize lynch mobs,  prosecutors, and the unthinking public. I believe we need to move from once a ("perpetrator")...forever a ( #$%^&) language that benefits no one and extinguishes hope.   

Otherwise if we keep pounding each other with what sometimes amounts to hate speech, how will we move from punitive to restorative justice and work together reach our goal of preventing harm/ collateral damage to all concerned?   


I’m concerned that the #MeToo movement, while it does break the silence,  seems so into vengeance (#Time’s Up) etc. I’m glad women and men (and even children) are feeling powerful enough to speak up, break the silence but if we are only going to use old labels, scream at each other from across the prison yard and play hurtful Gotcha! in family gatherings, I doubt we  will usher in the change we need to actually make a difference in our lives going forward. 

Imagine if  Larry Nasser, the coach for the girls Olympic Gymnastic team (who told the court he too had been molested as a child) had been more able/ motivated / felt safe enough to raise his hand as a little boy and say he had been molested. What if he had not been shamed into silence? What if he had asked for help and actually received real help before (or shortly after) he began to act?  How many girls, how much harm would have been prevented not only to the girls but to himself? 

Instead, years later, we saw  50 girls molested, weeping and enraged as they testified at what was a Public Spectacle more than a real exercise injustice. Then the judge took the opportunity to pile on. Punishment is not justice and it avails us nothing. It neither heals nor does it prevent.

Nasser will never see the light of day and those girls will forever be labeled "victim." In my judgment, Not a good outcome for either “side.” So they have 'saved' his "victims" and thrown him into the sh*t pile forever marked Predator. If he ever sees a parole board they will prbably just put him into some "Civil Commitment Facility." marked dangerous sexual psychopaths. 

As far as I'm concerned the 900,000 names currently listed on this country's Registry is a testimony to the sad fact that current methods have failed 900,000 times.  But until we can sit down and openly speak to each other in non-inflammatory terms, until I feel safe enough to speak aloud,  Restorative Justice and recovery will remain beyond anyone's reach.  

As some of you may remember, I have been writing a memoir tracing child sexual abuse down through 4 generations of my own family from pioneer times to the present.

I finally got it written. Now I'm in the process of getting 'blurbs' (recommendations) for the back cover and making final decisions like which title to use.  

The title has morphed as I wrote and edited (and then corrected) the book which is a family saga tracing child sexual abuse through 4 generations of my family from Pioneer Days the present.  

At first, I thought the title should be Treated Like a Girl since both boys and girls in my family were molested and some went on to molest others in succeeding generations. 
Then I tried  A Sex Offender's Wife, A Daughter's Life, A Mother's Voice Speaking Out.

Then a beta reader who read the memoir (version 2000000) suggested The Sex Offender's Legacy, Silenced Lives and I settled on that.  However every time law enforcement knocks on my door, I am treated to yet another personal experience of how wounding indelible labels are. The newer label "Sex Offender at least seems to carry less baggage. But how much collateral damage is done because we as a group, even those advocating for fairness and change have not found language to speak to each other human-being-to-human-being across the great divide that is the Sex Offender Registry?  Because who knows what we are referring to when we say "registrant" or even "offender?"  

In any case,   The title of my completed memoir (I haven't yet loaded it onto Create Space) is SILENCED LIVES, the Sex Offender's Legacy. 

STEREOTYPING THAT DEHUMANIZES: Not the Life I Chose. Not the Label I Chose either. After the police knocked on my door. I became 'one of those women' who loved a sex offender; one of those women who visited a sex offender in prison; one of those women who lived right there so I must have known? At least that's what implicit bias and my (new) labels said

Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment

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Person-first language: Establishing a culture that transcends labels By Gwenda Willis, PhD, Alissa Ackerman, PhD, & David Prescott, LICSW The joint MASOC/MATSA conference took place earlier this month in Marlborough, Massachusetts. In a presentation on establishing person-first language across the fields of sexual abuse treatment and prevention, we (Gwen and Alissa) began our session introducing ourselves by several of the labels we hold. Gwen introduced herself as New Zealander, wife, friend, colleague, researcher, clinical psychologist, ATSA member and advocate. Alissa followed with mother, wife, lesbian, friend, colleague, professor, ATSA member, public speaker, advocate, and survivor, among others. In this interactive presentation, we prompted attendees to explore the labels they use to describe themselves and the people they work with.  Like us, attendees were spouses, parents, clinicians and advocates.  Some were animal lovers and some were music lovers. All participants used positive labels to describe who they are. Next, we asked participants to describe who they work with and we explored which of these might not be self-selected by the very people we work with. Overwhelmingly, the labels we used to describe the individuals we work with were those that our clients might not use to describe themselves. Some of these labels included “victim”, “ex-prisoner”, “sexually violent person” and “offender”. Importantly, there was agreement that use of such labels in our field is widespread: beyond their use in everyday conversation, such language is rife in the names of treatment programs, agencies, professional organisations and academic publications.  The American Psychological Association (APA), The National Association of Social Workers (NASW) and most professional organizations even tangentially related to our field articulate the need for person-first language in their Codes of Ethics, and yet in our field, we tend not to honor this need. Do we have an ethical dilemma?  As part of our presentation, we considered core ethical principles of helping professionals including respect for human dignity, professional integrity and beneficence and non-maleficence.  We discussed how the “victim” and “survivor” labels might be self-selected by some people and not others, despite similar lived experiences.  Similarly, we acknowledged that some individuals with pedophilic interests self-identify as “pedophiles” while other individuals with pedophilic interests would find the “pedophile” label repulsive.  We cannot assume which labels people want to use to describe themselves and if we truly honor human dignity, we must call people by what they prefer to be called. It is a matter of basic respect. For example, in our introductions, Alissa used the label “lesbian” to describe herself, while Gwen did not, despite both of us being married to same-sex spouses. Discussion turned to the inaccuracies that normative labels such as “offender” and “abuser” portray – that anyone assigned such a label has the same (i.e., high) risk of reoffending.  As professionals working to address misperceptions about sexual abuse we highlighted the importance of communicating accurately about individuals who have abused, in the hope that they will have opportunities to live safe, fulfilling and offense-free lives. We turned to labels with scientific validity, including “psychopath” and “pedophile”, and conversation returned to their potential to stigmatises and ostracise.  Finally, we explored how labels might hinder the work we do to promote desistance from offending as well as healing from sexual abuse: What messages do the “offender” and “victim” labels communicate?  Possibly that this is how we see you. In the criminological literature, labelling theory suggests that the individuals internalize the labels we use to describe them and often live their lives accordingly. How might we transcend potentially stigmatizing labels?  We introduced person-first language as an alternative to potentially stigmatizing language, which separates the person (e.g., man, woman, young person, individual, child) from a condition, disorder or behavior (e.g., individual adjudicated for a sexual offense, people who have committed crimes of a sexual nature).  Labels are commonplace in every-day communication, and when self-selected they can aid communication.  However, assigned to us, labels have potential to stigmatises and harm.  As highlighted by Brene Brown (2017): “The sorting we do to ourselves and to one another is, at best, unintentional and reflexive.  At worst, it is stereotyping that dehumanizes.  The paradox is that we all love the ready-made filing system, so handy when we want to quickly categorize people, but we resent it when we’re the ones getting filed away” (p. 48) Person-first language avoids making assumptions about how someone wants to be labeled.  Additional exploration of issues raised in this blog and guidance on person-first language can be found in the 6th edition of the APA Publication Manual (American Psychological Association, 2010) and in Willis (in press). In some quarters, the push towards person-first language has existed for years. It has occurred in other areas of psychology and human service (Willis, in press) as well as the field of treating adolescents who have sexually abused. Although it has long been known that adolescents can change dramatically over time, it is also worth remembering that adults can, and very often do, change as well. Further, the contexts in which they live their lives can change dramatically as well Now that our field knows what it does about building desistance and managing risk, it is clear that the use of labels has now outlived its usefulness. Indeed, it can cause harm. References American Psychological Association. (2010). Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association (6th ed.). Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association. Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. New York, NY: Random House. Willis, G. M. (in press). Why call someone by what we don’t want them to be? The ethics of labelling in forensic/correctional psychology. Psychology, Crime & Law doi: 10.1080/1068316X.2017.1421640