Regarding the Registered

Last weekend, I was sitting out with my neighbor, Haylie, as she held a garage sale and we both watched our kids play together. I got up to use her restroom and when I came back, I saw her fiance, Tim, yelling angrily at a man in a pick-up that had paused in front of their driveway. On the back of the man's pick-up was a sign that said "I haul junk: scrap metal, recyclable, etc." Haylie had a surprised look on her face as she said to Tim, "Be nice!" As the man drove away, Tim turned to us and explained that the man was listed on the sex offender registry.

"He came here because he saw the kids," Tim yelled as waved his arm toward our combined children playing on the lawn: three girls and two boys, all under 8-years-old. "Imagine if our daughter had been out here alone!" Haylie joined in with how the neighborhood just wasn't safe any more. When Tim turned to me, expecting some enthusiastic agreement . . . I just shrugged.

Honestly, I wasn't scared for my kids. There was a time when I was "normal" that I would have been creeped out to the max. My fear has shifted now. I'm not scared of Junk Joe who lives under the SO banner. It was the man under my own roof who I should have feared years ago. Now it's my kids' teachers and their friends' parents that I worry about. Tim himself is just barely gaining my trust, although I'm sure he's unaware that I ever doubted him.

So very far from fear, I actually felt sorry for the junk guy. All of us on here know that he didn't choose junk collection as a career because he has a passion for it. He chose it because he can't get a job. He probably can't rent an apartment either. All of us who have had any real connection with a sex offender can feel sympathy for the situation they are put in for decades possibly, even after they have served their time.

I've never checked the registry and I'm not sure I want to. Maybe I should. At the very least I could check on those people that I'm entrusting my children with. But for the most part I really doubt that checking it will increase my kids' safety. If anything, I think it gives us a false sense of comfort thinking that the dangerous people are already labeled, while in truth the most dangerous people are flying under the radar, quietly committing their crimes at home.

Janet and I were recently discussing WAR (Women Against the Registry). They are a group we have an obvious connection to, being women connected to sex offenders, but their agenda is not something that I completely agree with (I'll let Janet speak for herself on this). As you can tell by their catchy acronym, they want to do away with the SO registry - I can see why, as I've mentioned above. They want reform for the system that processes and rehabilitates sex offenders - I would agree that it could do with some reform, especially the lack of services and support offered to the families of the SO. They want SOs to be allowed to go back home and back to a normal after time served . . . This is where I develop a little cold sweat.

WAR believes that "once the registrant has been adjudicated, paid their debt to society and is living a law-abiding life they have earned the right to live without fear of harm to themselves or their family." It sounds so rational, until I apply it to Jake. My greatest fear is the day that he comes back into my kids' lives. After all, by Colorado law he retains some of his parental rights, which he can slowly recover if he gets through sex offender treatment. As much as I hope that he develops empathy and overcomes his addictive sexual behavior, I am also certain that even if he doesn't he will still convince everyone that he has. He is smart, charming, and very adaptable. He will jump through every hoop they put in front of him, whether it changes his essential character or not. I am terrified of the day someone contacts me to arrange for him to visit with our kids again. If he works the system well, he could be back in the same room with them by the time Elise is 8 and Sabrina is 6. If WAR got its way, he might also have partial custody . . . my precious children alone in his care. My God, that is my worst nightmare! 

I am jumping to extremes, I know. And yet, WAR's own words do nothing to soothe my anxieties. In a recent letter to Illinois legislators, WAR uses the following to persuade them that the public is not in danger of released sex offenders:

"The myth of “stranger danger” persists despite that most sexual perpetrators are well known to their victims. According to the Department of Justice, “Most child sexual abuse victims are molested by family members (34%) or close acquaintances (59%).” (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2000). About 40% of sex crimes take place in a victim’s own home, and 20% take place in the home of a friend or relative (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1997)."

Those are exactly the reasons why I'm not scared of Junk Joe. But those are also the reasons that I am scared of Jake. As the mother of an SOs kids, this is how I read that statement: The public should have no fear of sex offenders because if they re-offend it will probably be with their own kids. Sure, with that kind of logic the public is much safer if you let the sex offenders go home, but what about those kids at home?!

Ugh. There have to be some better answers out there! There has to be a middle ground where an ex-SO can get a job and a place to live AND where all children (his own and others) are kept safe.

Until WAR addresses the concerns of moms like me, I won't be joining their forces. However, I very much understand if any of you decide to take part in their movement. For the sake of sanity, I have to believe that many SOs are mostly decent if they can get past that huge error, misjudgment, or maybe correct some faulty logic . . . If you are standing by your man, then I hope that is the case for him and he returns home someday to justify all your faith in him. For you and your man, I will voice my doubt in the way our system treats him. Just do me a favor, when you speak up against restrictions on sex offenders, please remember my kids and the danger they might be in from their own father. Let's find that middle ground, okay?