Chandra: "A bit of my story"

The following is an email I received from Chandra, a woman who has gone through a lot of hell. She has also posted this to her own blog at ladychandra.blogspot.com. and plans to continue her story there. Please give her supportive comments and connect with her blog. The more we talk and connect, the more healing we will find. Maybe we'll even find a collective voice that can stop other women like us from being left without support and resources.  ~ Evie

It is currently 3am on the dot where I am. I just found your blog by looking up the phrase "My husband was a pedophile". I was prompted to do so after looking again for my ex husband to see where he was in the prison world... turns out he has been put in a low security prison and I actually cried when I saw all the things he was allowed to have through the commissary there. An MP3 player? Really? I can't afford one. I can't buy one for the children that he molested for 10 years. I can barely afford rent and he did this to us.

It's been just over 3 years now since I was a non-trad college student with dreams of being an investigative reporter. I had 2 children from a previous marriage and a wee one from my husband. Christa. My sweet little girl. I have a picture of her that is 2 years old. I haven't seen her in longer than that. His parents got custody in the shit storm that happened that day I was turning in some assignment at college. He and I were going to go visit my grandfather in the hospital when we got the call that the state police were looking for us. I honestly thought it was a joke at the time. I had never broken the law. As far as I knew he hadn't either, perhaps it was one of the druggy neighbors and they needed a statement? I was so so wrong.

We just happened to be near the state police headquarters and dropped in to find out what was up. Next thing I know we are following a police car back to our home. My husband turned to me and said "You are going to want a lawyer.", completely perplexed I asked why. He said "Because you are going to want to divorce me." Again I ask why. He then tells me something that I will never forget, or how he said it, or the look on his face when he said it. "I have been looking at kiddie porn." 

It turned out the state police had a warrant to search the place. They had been tracking his online activity for months. Even after he lawyered up he cried and begged forgiveness and told them straight up that he downloaded child pornography. That he had a problem and couldn't stop. I was so angry. I was trying to help them search the house and they kept telling me to calm down, sit down and answer questions. There is a transcript of what I said that day... it is mostly jibberish from me crying and screaming between words. WE HAD CHILDREN, how could he do this? How? Why? I have never gotten those answers. The next day my 13 yo daughter told me that he had been molesting her for years. The day after that my son told me he had been messing with him for years. 

I had no idea. Not a clue. nothing. I didn't see it. And I feel so stupid and ashamed. 

His parents owned pretty much everything we had and took his side. I lost everything and their defense was that I set him up. 10 years in a family that turned on me in a second. They told the world that I put the kids up to disclosing, that I planted child porn on his computer. That I was a bitch, liar, witch, disgusting terrible person and a lot of people believed them. I ended up homeless. They ended up with custody of our shared child and I got supervised visitations... I didn't have the money to fight it and had to represent myself. So I lost. 

He was convicted of possession and distribution of child pornography, the abuse was introduced in the sentencing to show pattern of abuse and he is now serving a 15 year sentence with time served. Which now puts him at getting out in 2024. In a low security prison (he was in medium) that allows him cologne and MP3 players. 

I had to move to a different state because of death threats. My two older children, now 16 and 14 have both, in the past 3 years, attempted suicide, both nearly succeeding. My son hung himself in 2011. We spent a week in ICU. Last May my daughter took an entire bottle of tylenol. Her liver failed and was put on a transplant list. Her liver has since recovered and she lived. They are doing pretty well now, considering all the therapy and being institutionalized multiple times each. 

Me. I just want to talk to my baby girl. But I'm not allowed. The only thing I can do is get a lawyer and fight it. But I can't afford one. So a pedophiles parents get to raise her after paying for his entire defense. And she lives with people that hate me. That blame me. 

So there is my story. There is a lot more to it, but those are just details. Crappy, emotional details that don't really matter anymore. I admire you for doing your blog. I have one too but can't seem to write in it. This is the first time I have ever written out my story.

By Chandra

Please visit her blog at http://ladychandra.blogspot.com/

Pornography 101 may involve "virtual" sex but it is "actually" Not a "Victimless" Sex Crime

The wives, spouses and girlfriends who share their personal stories on  Not the Life I Chose speak about the bone deep pain of Betrayal. Some of us whose children were molested struggle with the silent and not so silent accusations of others. They say, we are the "actual" betrayers of our own children. "She knew. Of course she knew! How could she not have known?" As their wives, as their mothers, we failed to prevent "it."

And we too, even while knowing we did not "know" still wonder how could we not have known? Why didn't we stop the insanity? Were we that stupidly "in Love?" Did we  put our faith in the "sanctity of marriage"  to such an extent that we pushed all else aside? By and large why do women  fail to realize, fail to Know that they and their children are being betrayed?  Why not? Especially if we ourselves were molested as children?

We find ourselves forced to engage in the blame-game, the back and forth, the "Did so!" / "Did not!" with "professionals" with police, with our children and with our consciences while we feel increasingly guilty, helpless and hopeless,. And many of us struggle with depression, anger at being so betrayed, so fooled by the very people with whom we once hoped to share the rest of our lives. People we thought we knew and loved. Before all this happened.

Many of us believe the myth of motherhood, the all powerful myth-of-love in relationship. We believe in the "sanctity of marriage," and we believe the power of our love could redeem.  When things go wrong we have been taught to blame ourselves.  So we believe we are at fault. Seduced by the myth of the elusive power of our love, we agree to believe that our "love" should have, could have prevented, can now cure, might still redeem "our" sex offender. Make everything like it was "before."

When they are found out, arrested,  they weep on our shoulders and get mad when we fail to perfectly understand them.  We can't make it all better, can't make what they actually did do all go away just because they suddenly "need" us. Appealed to, we try damage control, as though we did indeed have special powers to "make it all go away." We are supposed to make reality go away for someone we love,(even if that magical power doesn't "work" for us) This belief in "love" is all too obviously, all too, too "actually" NOT true.

But we do try.  Perhaps we can re-brand, call "it" by another name. But perhaps we can re-classify what "our" offender did, maybe shift the words and shift some of the censure, tell ourselves there are "worse crimes." Hope others will play the "relativity" game. Maybe we can classify the crime as "Victim less." WE hope he will agree to therapy. But then he might be required to list all the actual crimes he has committed. He resists. But all "this" is getting to us. Where will we find or afford a therapist for ourselves? And what about the children? It was just pornography, even if  he was "getting caught up" in child pornography, should watching "it" really even be classified as a sex crime? Is "trolling" chat-rooms so bad? Who says things escalate? What do they know? He is special. He wouldn't do anything like that. Or has he already?

After all if  "nothing actually happened" (no actual sex with a 14 year old met in a chat-room) how could "it" be so bad? Shouldn't the husband, boyfriend, brother, father, son just be ordered into therapy. He only committed a "virtual" crime.  But what if he used your lap-top to surf pornographic websites? We don't even want to know whether that means that he hoped we, not he, would be arrested if and when the cops showed up. It certainly led to a whole lot of uncomfortable police questions. Doesn't that mean he thought he might need to shift the blame, somehow? But onto us? We were all set to champion him. And when will we ever get our own laptop back from Evidence?

Since "it" is only a victim-less crime, should "it" be considered "actually" criminal at all? Shouldn't we just call "it" a private matter, like adultery? An online romance with sex-acts and a virtual mistress. Shouldn't a good wife just have overcome her prudish reluctance and participated in re-enacting the "stuff" on the screen ? (Many women are embarrassed to admit they actually tried that, at least until he kind of went over the edge and started in on the hard core/the rough stuff/ the hurting/ the "dabbling" into child porn "that stuff" anyway.
And if we tried and if it just felt too, I don't know, demeaning even in the privacy of our own homes, must "it" not have also "actually" been demeaning also to the "virtual" no-bodys which our antics were supposed to be emulating, to please our husbands of course.)  The poses felt awkward, even silly. It was all too too embarrassing. He got angry, impatient and... maybe we just left him to "it," his harmless "virtual"hobby. After all we had to look at him over the breakfast table the next morning and "know."

What if we, if she just decided to look the other way? If she didn't confront him before, stop "it" all before, shouldn't she forgive and forget now? But whose responsibility was it, really? To stop trolling. Even if, as he says he didn't really (actually) have sex with that 14-year-old he met on the inter-net and went to meet at the mall... (anyway that 14 year-old wasn't "actually" a 14 year-old was she? "She" was just a dirty minded police officer with a high voice who ran a sting on the respectable (until-his-arrest) hobbyist? Doesn't the law have anything better to do than victimize innocent offenders?)

Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't  a good wife have been able to satisfy her husband? If she had, would he have "had to" go on-line at all?  If she had lured him away from his growing obsession with porn, somehow made him go to a therapist, regardless, (she knew he wanted to but was too shy to ask) if she had just been more loving, paid more attention to him, been less focused on the children, wouldn't things have been different? If he just hadn't felt so ignored, If she hadn't ignored him...well?

Still I have a confession. I Do think pornography is nasty (in the old fashioned sense of the word: filthy, indecent, obscene, harmful, even dangerous.) I DO think engaging in pornography should be considered a sex offense. I "actually" believe that pornographic web-sites are to sex offenders what flight simulators are to pilots-in-training. They help those so inclined to fly, to fantasize dominance and then actually learn the skills necessary to take off and fly straight into the World Trade Center. In my view, pornography websites are not harmless. The websites whet the appetites of those so inclined, they teach them that it is eminently possible to actualize their own personal sexual obsessions. To take pleasure in demeaning and degrading others.

But setting aside my own negativity, there is still the claim that pornography is virtually harmless, that even child pornography, is victim-less because it is virtual. (But aren't, those real children who eat and sleep and really live somewhere really, actually being photographed performing sex acts?) But I digress. Never mind, tell yourself  those children "actually" are "virtual," they are "no-body" only momentarily alive looping on and on up there on your computer screen.

So if we agree not to think about even virtual pornography. Can we turn our attention to the very real flesh and blood wives and mothers and girlfriends.   We are "Actually" Pornography's other victims. Even if the children in our own homes have not "actually" been victimized (yet.) We already have been.  We are loath to admit this one shameful reality: We are ashamed to admit that our own husbands/spouses/boyfriends actually preferred  virtual pornography to sex with us. Or, if we insisted they pay us sexual attention, they wanted us to re-enact the pornography they desired instead of making unscripted messy, laughing, sweaty love to us.

So, we waited in our real beds night after night for our flesh and blood husbands, lovers and spouses to want to have sex with flesh and blood us. Why didn't they come to bed and make love to us instead of getting off watching a Computer screen? Face it, they are obsessed with virtual sex acts some of which make our skin crawl when we stumble across all the pornographic web-sites they have set up on our computers. What's wrong with us? That they don't love us? Ah, the power of love. The magical delusions. If we were only slimmer, prettier, sexier, if we weren't so tired after dinner, we imagine we could compete with the virtual sex objects on the computer..

But we tell ourselves it's only pornography. It could be so much worse. We just need to be more sophisticated about this. Not such prudes. After all he's so good otherwise. Such a good provider, a good husband, a father, a grandfather, a coach, a teacher, a pastor, a Cub Scout leader. Everybody likes him. Maybe we could convince him to try couple's therapy with us? Maybe buy more sexy negligees? Just wait, hope and work this problem out in the privacy of home. Meanwhile we wait up-stairs. Why can't he get off the computer? Why can't he just come up here to us? Make love to the real us. After all we are the one person who really loves the actual him. At least we think we love the person he has led us to believe he is. We tell ourselves "It could be so much worse."

Then it does "get worse."  He gets arrested. And for a victim-less crime. Like pornography.

And we suddenly realize that we have been victimized by his victim-less crime. ("She knew. Of course she knew! How could she not have known?" and more-over why didn't she make him stop? Before he got in over his head, before "it" was too late.) It is a shock to realize he/we have been living his lie. We also have been demeaned and victimized. The boyfriend, the spouse, the watcher, hobbyist, the internet-stalker-of-children has betrayed not only those victims, but has victimized us and in a very real (very "actual") way.

Betrayal is the bone deep hurt we feel (on a very personal level)  when we and our needs as real people are set aside over and over in favor their bone deep obsession with pornography.  When did we first realize that they preferred  watching, fantasizing, getting-off  with virtual men, women, and yes, small children performing ritualized sex acts over and over? It was indeed humiliating to realized they liked "it" better than making love to real flesh and blood us? Then their "actual" crimes are "discovered." The police raid our home and, there in full view of the neighbors, he is actually arrested. Taken out in hand-cuffs.
Things got much worse.

We cry and rage and "forgive" and understand, and vow to help them and we blog and try to find other women who "know" because they too have been through "it." Hoping they at least will recognize all the ways we too have been victimized. Betrayed. We need to find somewhere where we don't get judged. Where we can say whatever it is out-loud. Somewhere, where we don't need to explain ourselves all over again. We can tell it like it is and be understood. Where are recognized as real people in real pain reaching out, helping each other.

Sooner or later we find courage to know our first duty is not to help him, somehow. But we have a duty to ourselves. We are on a journey and we are not alone. There are others telling their stories, blogging, commenting, ranting, snapping, being snarky, laughing, crying, telling us ways we can heal because they too are healing. They too are focused on creation instead of destruction. Others are willing to share what happened. How they survived. They give us hope that since they are making a new life, new lives for their children, new futures for themselves, maybe we can to. Even if we decide to visit him in prison. Even when our phone bill goes up and up, all those angry, all those begging calls from the jail. Whatever our choices. Other spouses at least know what it's like to be torn apart inside but healing. Somehow.

But it takes time to work through to a new reality. In the meantime we all deal with another painful reality: who in their right mind wants to admit he wanted pornography more than he wanted them. They are victims. Who wants to see themselves as "sooo lame." One of those women. Still we mourn what has been done to us, to our lives We pray, and hate and pretend it's "all OK now" and we mention betrayal on this blog over and over. We did, we do suffer the reality of  "actual" Betrayal acutely. Because Pornography is not a victim-less crime. Pornography actually has many victims. We too were victimized.

We deserve our love and attention. One of the first "taking care of myself" things I did was to ask myself what would help me when I woke up at 2 in the morning and could not go back to sleep, when it was dark and I was scared and felt so alone. I bought myself a magazine, some book I really wanted to read but waited until some 2AM to treat myself. I created some little stash of comfort, some special bath soap  and when I woke up I'd have a warm bath and read until I was so sleepy I could fall asleep. As time went on I got more imaginative in taking care of me. It helped. Have you noticed that many blog comments are posted late at night? We search the internet for others who know.

In this increasingly "virtual" world we are told we cannot claim to be victims.  Just like the virtual children in the victim-less crime of pornography, as wives and mothers we think we don't have time to take care of another "victim" especially not ourselves. Where could we find the money to take care of ourselves anyway? We have children to raise, jobs to find, court dates loom, and there are social workers to please. We cannot have been betrayed, demeaned, degraded right along with his virtual victims. We are just lucky they didn't decide to arrest us also. Therefore the pain we feel so acutely isn't Actually Betrayal of the love and trust, of the life together, the life we actually thought we were choosing when we fell  in love with the "virtual" husband we actually thought we knew, back then...

Before the knock on the door. Before he called from the jail telling us to make bail. Before the arraignment, before, before. Back before... If we could only get back to before from here.

But we have to move forward. Things have changed. We change. We are changing for the better. 
             

Jo: "My story. Kinda"

This was sent to me by Jo, another member of our community. We all have unique stories, but so much in common. Please comment to show support and offer encouragement. 

 ~ Evie

It's taken me days and many cigarettes to finally email you.
How much of my story to tell? And it's just began.
He hasn't even been sentenced yet.
I have so much hurt and this has just started.
My house was raided January 28th. I still sometimes have panic attacks when I lay down to sleep.
I'm sitting at my neighbors apartment emailing you from my phone because my apartment is too toxic. That and the department of justice has my computer.
My husband is being charged with 4 counts of possession of child porn
The 4 days he spent in jail, as pathetic as it sounds, I physically hurt.
I had amazing friends by my side making sure that I ate and did their best to make me feel better
Then he was released on a signature bond.
Those first few days he was the husband I'd always wanted.
My heart broke as he cried and told me how sorry he was.
I knew he had a porn addiction, I just never expected it to get so has he started looking at children.
He explained that his disability (spinia bifida) made him too self conscious  to pursue relationships as a kid.
Our disabilities are a big part of how we got together. I have Cerebral palsy. In case you were wondering.

I listened to to his explanation of his addition.
I believed him and maybe I still do. I don't know anything anymore.
I made the decision to move out today. He was being an asshole the entire day. It's easy to be strong when he's a jerk.
I know he's probably hurting and that kills me. But I have to heal myself.

Hoping to get my own apartment asap.

Well at least I got part of my story out.

If you would like to share your story or a topic you think is important, please go here. 

To Anonymous, you're in good company

In reply to the anonymous commenter from the post about bullying . . .

We all parent differently and we will all raise flawed children - that's just the truth of it. My beliefs about parenting are obviously different from yours and I’m okay with that. I didn’t start this blog to fight with other parents. Janet and I see issues like bullying and parenting styles as ways to address deeper social issues that contribute to the social problems of which we have fallen victims. I think it is highly valuable to explore these aspects of the bigger picture . . . 

HOWEVER, I think this particular conversation with you shouldn't be about bullying or parenting styles. That's not why you came here. You are here because you need the company of women who have been through what you are going through, which includes Janet and myself and many other women reading these posts. Maybe not every woman who comes here has children, but most of us do. Most of us have been left as single parents long before we ever thought about divorce. I am sadly confident that we all know what it is like being at the end of our ropes with more responsibilities than we can handle and only rage inside. We know what it's like to be sick of the sight of social workers and cops. And we know what it is like to be drained of all funds and dealing with  more crap than we deserve. I can empathize, I can. 

Sadly, I don't think there is anything I can say to ease your burdens. I can't advise you on how to navigate this impossible life you've ended up with. I just hope you continue to be here and realize that there are many of us here with you. If you can’t get a therapist to listen, then we’ll do that job. So please keep venting to us and continue to let the rage out. We’re listening. 

In fact, I welcome every woman who sympathizes to let their rage out on this blog (only please be sure to rage at those who truly deserve it and never pass it on to the undeserving, like the other women here).  Let’ scream it to the internet and let it resonate forever in its code. I really effin like that idea. 

Anonymous, I think we can both agree on many things in this life, including the desire to raise good kids, even if we can’t agree how to make that work. You are welcome here to express yourself and take what you need. Leave whatever doesn’t work for you behind.

If I could go back . . .

Just a little more than three years ago, my life fell apart because I discovered I was married to a sex offender. If I could go back to that day in ghost-like form, like Scrooge with the Ghost of Christmas Past in Dickens' A Christmas Carol, what would I whisper in the ear of my past self?

As a ghost, I would watch myself in the morning, caring for my 3-week-old, Sabrina, and my 2-year-old, Elise. I was happy that morning. It actually hurts to think how happy I was because so much pain was about to follow.

I can see myself making lunch and I know the phone is about to ring. Jake is about to call and tell me that he was sent home from work. He's going to come home. He's going to sit at the table and lie to me. For his sake, I will be calm. For his sake, I will hug and reassure him while he sobs over the injustice of it (as he makes it out to be).

But, no, the phone hasn't rung yet. I still see myself in calm, happy oblivion. I would like to stand close to that past self of mine and say,

 "A storm is coming, but you will be okay. 

Just be the honest and upstanding person you always aim to be. 

You will make it to the other side, I promise."

As the phone rings, as I watch myself reach out to pick up the receiver, I want to give myself permission,

"It is okay to doubt him. It is okay to question him. 

It is okay to be mad at him. 

Trust your gut that he is not innocent. 

You don't have to stand by him."

Mere hours after that phone rings, that past version of me will fear that she will lose her children. I want to reassure her,

"The few who doubt your good motherhood will quickly reverse their opinions. Everyone will agree that your babies belong to you and you to them." 

As she shivers in bed with one arm wrapped around each baby, afraid that if she lets them go or closes her eyes they might disappear, I'd like to say, 

"Sleep, sleep, you are safe, they are safe. Years of happy mothering are still ahead of you." 

As she finally falls into a restless sleep, I would like to send her one last message:

"You fear losing your partner in life, but he never was the man you hoped he was. You will suffer pain and loss, but the hidden blessings will outweigh it all. In return you will gain self-confidence and strength; you will see friends and community more clearly; your connection to your children will be amplified; and you will find second chances for career and for love. 

You will suffer and struggle, but you will also survive and thrive. 

Each year will bring a stronger sense of gratitude for the fruitless life you were rescued from and the amazing life you were gifted with. 

I just wish you could know this now and let it reassure you as the storm passes over."

Please share what you would like to whisper into the ear of your past self.  Comment below or email evie.pruett@gmail.com

So did you "like" Blue Pinky Promise on facebook?

Please check out the campaign against bullying, Blue Pinky Promise.

When we teach our children submission we teach fear: Fear of bullying. Fear of social stigma. Fear that begins when we teach them that if they don't immediately comply we will spank them (or as my family often said if a child cried at being stifled, "Be quiet! Or I will give you something to cry for.")  just as the man who taught the little girl who dared say "No" when he placed his hand on her and threatened, "Don't tell me No!" And if she continued in her "No" what had she clearly learned to expect would follow next? I know, spare the rod and spoil the child. But for what? Submission to the bullies of this world?

Yes, I know there were perhaps extenuating circumstances, the man had other children to watch?  He was doing the best he could? We have all been there. I of all people know the guilt of not being the parent I wish I had been. Yet, such time-honored tactics as the man and many of us display  really do condition children to "their place" in the continuum of the gender apartheid. Parents too often teach through bullying.  And as many of us know for those so inclined bullying often culminates in physical and sexual violence. Just this week on Right_This_Minute.com (Fox TV) they showed a video of a girl being seriously beaten up by another girl at school to the point that the police were called and perhaps the video was evidence that "things just went too far." I didn't mean to.. is not a viable excuse. We have long experience with excuses and know that to paraphrase, "the path to hell is paved with excuses proclaiming our good intentions."  

And yet, isn't that what a society says when bullying in general is a societally acceptable means of domination, is in fact the norm? We say"I didn't meant to...  Things just went too far"  Isn't that what we say about date rape? We say that about the gang rape of  the young men targeted at a teen drinking party? (young males self-styled "Masculine" males like Arnold Schwarzenegger persist in referring to as "sissy-boys") And then there is, of course the very recent findings of the NFL investigation
which found that Ignacio and two others did indeed bully and harass Martin. In fact, not only Martin was targeted but another player was harassed with homo-phobic taunts while an assistant coach from another country was treated to racial epithets creating a culture of harassment and bullying. Predictably Ignacio's attorney now tries to blame the victims. He denies and excuses the results of Ignacio's behavior as misinterpreted, as unintended. Suddenly the bully whimpers, claims he is the victim of lies and  unfair bullying! (Shades of the attack on Dylan Farrow's Open Letter.)

From all sides there is great pressure to say some version of  "Boys will be boys!" shrug and then go on with our lives thus teaching our children, both boys and girls, that it is their problem to avoid the bullies, be passive, be submissive and don't put ourselves in harms way (or just learn to be worse bullies and "stand up for yourself." )  It is as though the girl on the video should have fought harder or (better yet) have stayed home from school that day, or every day, or sucked up better, been more submissive because a bully is waiting....for both boys and girls targeted, not in the NFL, but very close to home.

The girl targeted by the bully was afraid. She tried all those submissive things she was taught. In the video she attempted to leave, tried to avoid the confrontation,  (tried all the submissive tactics we teach children to avoid bullying after we have taught them submission by our own female gender conditioning.) but that girl's attempts were all to no avail.

And, what really struck me was that although other students watched, shouted, videoed the entire incident and then up-loaded it onto the internet, none of the girls present stepped forward singularly or en-mass to stand up for the girl who was being beaten up by the bully. Perhaps out of righteous fear that they might be next, they too joined in scapegoating the victim.

How many reading about the difficulties Dylan Farrow experienced just reporting her own experience of sexual assault as a child, or reading about accounts of  the on-going trashing of her mother Mia Farrow, or the denials of the powerful,  felt they too should remain silent, not speak aloud of their own experience as a parent or as a child out of fear? From that how many learned the safer way would be to stand aside? How many learned the lesson that to come forward and self identify as a victim of sexual violence is to invite trashing?

How many people (spouses, children, both boys and girls) whose lives have been seriously harmed by a sex offender never the less feel obligated to remain silent out of fear? How many mothers learned not to stand up against husbands for fear of a beating or a trashing albeit on perhaps a lesser scale in their own homes, at work or at church? And how much of the hurtful trashing comes from other women championing the offender out of the very real possibility that they (like the girls who witnessed the girl being beaten up at school) fear they might be the next  scapegoat targeted?  Just so, learned helplessness makes cowards of us all.

We could counter the teaching of submission to our young children one child at a time just as Evie Pruett vowed in a recent blog right here on Not the Life I Chose. Why not begin at home? The is an anti-bullying program on line, (begun and supported I think by the company that makes Secret, the Deodorant for women.) The recommend the Pinky Swear as a secret sign against bullying. Why not do as their program suggests? Why not choose to paint our own and our child's Pinky Finger Blue as a sign of your solidarity against bullies and bullying? Why not invite OUR own children to join OUR secret club? Why not teach children about the Blue Pinky Swear? For the Blue Pinky Swear empowers each of us as individuals and, in a crisis, a Blue Pinky identifies those around us who support each other against bullying of any kind. 

Seeing our own or someone else's Blue Pinky might even be an on-going reminder to each of us not to threaten our children, not to teach our children automatic submission to us or any adult who might wish to touch them, threaten them sexually or otherwise. It might remind them they can talk to us, might even protect them from someday being threatened into silence. Our actions might protect a child, perhaps even our own child,  from being bullied into submitting to sex (even in some attic with only a little train set as witness, as was the case for Dylan Farrow.). I say, "Valentines to Mia for her courage!"

You may visit Blue Pinky Promise and decide if you want to adapt the program to your own needs, perhaps at home, perhaps with your daycare provider, or perhaps at school.


If you choose to sit down with your children (boys and girls) to paint Pinky Fingers Blue it might just be the first courageous act in a concrete plan to teach our children that we do not stand for bullying, that we are able to protect each other, encourage confidences, let our children know we want to know what happened. But of course then we would have to deal with bullying and bullies in a different way ourselves because we too were taught that to be accepted, we had to "voluntarily submit" to fathers and husbands and boyfriends and coaches and pastors ....  We would first have to stop being passive, have to change our own mind-set for many of us were also taught a required submission, just as we are now teaching submission to our own children as a way to avoid getting hurt...again and again...even more. Like the girl in the video. Like Dylan Farrow. Like Mia...

Why not stand with each other instead of trashing all the other Mia's, mothers who "had to have known?" We could support anti-bullying programs at day-care, at pre-school, at school, and most importantly at home. No matter what happened before, Why not teach our children, male and female that the goal is not to simply become the most dominant Alfa Female or the greediest Alfa Male, not to be the biggest bully at home, in school, in church, in the community, in business or in the military! The goal is to take back our equality, to stand with others and most of all stand with ourselves and our children. So, go research the Blue Pinky Swear and then buy some sparklie blue fingernail polish and sit down with your kids. Let me know what you think. Boys can have blue pinky's too! Boyfriends can join the club as can trustworthy fathers.... and grandfathers all those interested in growing an equal world.   So, do your research, decide and comment, please.


https://www.facebook.com/BluePinkySwearAgainstBullying‎?  Against Bullying  Of all kinds!  

Comments on An Open Letter from Dylan Farrow, The New York Times 2/1/14

You can read for yourself the open letter from Dylan Farrow to Woody Allen who, by the way, is soon to be awarded a Golden Globe Lifetime achievement award.  You can decide what you believe is the truth, whether they are taking into consideration all Woody Allen's "achievements" or only those he and his champions would prefer to acknowledge.  You can even go back to 1993 and research the subject on line. It's an education.

The reason I mention Dylan's open letter here is because the accounts of sexual abuse detailed in Dylan Farrow's letter ring true and seem all too familiar.  The lack of real resolution is depressing. Unfortunately hers is all-too-often the outcome of reporting incest, especially when there is money and position and friends in high places willing to protect the accused.

The many mothers and wives who have had to deal with betrayals and the searing pain incest sets in motion in a child's life, the familiar family disruptions a father's denial then causes with everyone taking sides while the predator continues untouched, often un-adjudicated, free to malign and blame the victim who they say was "coached" by the "gold digging wife," the lying mother. The father is free to continue claiming HE is being unjustly targeted despite findings of probable cause by the State of Connecticut, Predators in such cases would have us believe that they are the true victim and claim they should be championed.  At the same time they claim often through lawyers (or their own publicists) that it is not only untrue that he is a predator, a pedophile, a sex offender but that it's unfair to even think he could or would take advantage. It's old news. Predictably, in this case, Woody Allen says it is Disgraceful for Dylan to even repeat her accounts of incest and betrayal.  Blame, shame and thereby discredit and silence the victim. Award the Predator.

Thus the predator is left free to continuing casting shame upon unwilling victims. If the victim had been older (like the stepdaughter he eventually married) Allen might simply have claimed the "attraction" was mutual. That's what my father told me. But this little girl, Dylan, was seven. With a child victim the plan must be to discredit and blame both mother and child as lyers and shame all into silence.

Looking at all the back and forth in this one case, who would even wish for the burden of bringing "false" charges in the face of such prejudice toward child victims and the mothers who "failed to protect?" Isn't it lucky that Dylan had a mother with the money and resources and perhaps the separate status and identity to withstand the pressures and proceed to champion her daughter's truth and divorce her husband in spite of being, herself, maligned and accused?

The article points out that sexual abuse claims against the powerful "stall more easily." I would like to point out that there is no one more powerful than a Father in a closed-system Father-Know's-Best family where the mother's identity and social status hinge often upon maintaining her husband's "blameless" position in the church and community. Such Fathers are indeed in a powerful position. Some take advantage of the power systemically granted them to abuse their power positions within family. They choose to take sexual license. Such Fathers who are pedophiles and predators, those so inclined  chose to use their power to molest children and betray wives.  Although powerful men when exposed may abuse their power to stall investigations, the real betrayal was in abusing the trust placed in him as a Father and protector who chose to commit incest, to sexually assault a child entrusted to his protection.

Even now, Mia Farrow has identity in her own right and name recognition and money enough to champion her child.  She was not trapped in the Mrs Woody Allen identity and forced to remake her identity: her entire world didn't hinge upon being Mrs. But what about all those other mothers, betrayed and maligned by husbands, ex-husbands, in-laws and second wives? What about all those women who woke up one morning to discover theirs was Not The Life They Chose? Who woke up to betrayal, found themselves also suspect, also suddenly relegated to the "outer fringes of society" with little defense except silence because they had always identified themselves as Mrs.only to find their children molested and their husbands arrested as for a sex offense? Their plan A certainly was not to grow up, fall in love and marry a sex offender in the guise of a powerful charming husband!.  

Are you still scared, struggling for courage to tell the truth, to believe a child's truth?  To see marriage with new eyes? Please go online, read, and then comment on Dylan's Open Letter.

Or maybe, you could just tell me, "What IS your favorite Woody Allen Movie?" And can you suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy it?