I spoke to a woman yesterday she too heard a knock on her door it was a Public Safety Officer come to warn her, a Police Officer who handed the woman a SEX OFFENDER IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FLIER emblazoned with the picture of a young boy (maybe 16) who was adjudicated, sent to adult prison. A young Sex OFFENDER who had just moved in to live with relatives across the street for the woman I spoke to.
The woman told me she had never met her neighbors but...
She said she took the Sex Offender WARNING flier and went across the street and knocked on her neighbor's door.(which she said was covered with screws and nails and locks and dead bolt key hols) and after knocking a couple of times and waiting while all the bolts were slid back and un-bolted) a woman answered the door. and asked "how can I help you?"
The woman tell me the story said, she asked to see the young man pictured on the flier. After a few moments he came and stood behind his mother (or grandmother or aunt or sister?) in the doorway.
The Woman held up the flier and said to the young man, "I just want to welcome you to the neighbor hood." And the boy answered? The boy said, "Thank you. No one ever said that to me that before"
This story isn't apocryphal. She isn't one of us. She knows of no SO in her family. But she is just one of the good guys we all hope will meet us when we too share our stories, overcome our fears and become VISIBLE.
I hope to open a discussion about molested children and about Juvenile Sex Offenders on Wind harp Tree, soon. One of the things this woman told me, almost in passing was that she was shocked at the contrast between the picture on the flier of a young sex offender (before his imprisonment) and the way the boy looked standing behind his mother. She said the boy standing before her in the door way looked afraid and discouraged and a hundred years older, all covered with tattoos and undoubtedly used and abused and un-healed himself by the system we all deal with (especially because some of us are also not only the mothers to abused children but to children who have abused and harmed other children in our wom families or in others) Believe me there is enough "HURT" in this "hurt locker" to go all around. And still if we can't some how find a way to heal the hurt done to oueselves, to our children and to "our abusers/offenders" how will we ever manage to take the loks off our own door and welcome others into a community of survivors who all know our duty is to use power to protect ALL of those made vulnerable among us???
Monday, September 7, 2015
Sunday, September 6, 2015
MOTHERS Becoming VISIBLE to EACH OTHER: AFTER THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR: when we are deciding what to do next, Whether to cut and run, who to stick with (and whether and how) When we are beginning to realize that WE too will be swept up in the Collateral Damage of shame and blame and ignorance..
- The important thing, I think, from my own sad experience and from listening to others here on Not The Life I Chose, is not to get on the pitty-pot about "How badly the IN-Justice System is treating us and our children and "Our" sex offender (adjudicated, Registered, guilty innocent or not) because then we start to think all our present suffering somehow makes the harm done to others OK we have forgotten this this is not tit-for-tat suffering. Every one needs to change and heal and end up better in spite of undergoing this truly horrendous experience .
- He "hit me first" is not an excuse we would accept from quarreling children and this situation abouve all requires us to be (or become) adults bent on using our power as adults to protect children from future harm and to protect the vulnerable and betrayed among us (including ourselves)
- Two wrongs don't end up making anybody "Right." No matter how bad we ourselves feel/felt we were hurt as children ourselves, or as adults by the "unfair" the seemingly endless parade of social workers, police, neighbors etc etc that seem to blame us as mothers as much as they blame and shame and pillory "offenders/ fathers/ friendly strangers and "our" child pornographers), No matter how unfair all this seems or even IS, we ALL have to find some way to get through this, to Recover, to invent the new normal, not just flee back to an old normal and hope it "New" only to find ourselves repeating the toxic patterns we learned about our role in marriage and a woman's "place" in support of our husbands (and sons and ourselves and our own molested children). Just Keeping Silent and Hiding , just trying to hang on to our former place in society (and not fall among "those People" Those families on the Sex Ofgfender registry is herculean and requires we retink our own attitudes and expectations going forward.
- Just managing to "get through THIS" might tear us all down even more than "outsiders" ever could, if we choose to climb onto the pitty pot and feel so sorry for ourselves that we forget to reach out to each other, "our" offender and yes, even to the persons who were harmed and haven't had a fair chance to heal from their own wound either.
- The Point of NOT THE LIFE I CHOSE is to discover that there are indeed a lot of "US" out here. To discover that although we may all be very different personalities with very different points of view Our only Real hope is to find each other, to start a discussion, to share and join hands and in so doing Lift the BURDEN of SILENCE we all struggle with, lighten the burden by sharing our lives and by RESPECTING each other no matter what collateral damage we struggle under.
- Getting stuck on self pity only retards our own growth, our acceotance of our own responsibility to become people who exercise our power as grown-ups to protect children by healing and changing (Post Traumatic Growth is not ony Possible but required of all of us involved in the "situation" after THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
- Any thoughts on the subject? Please share. Please comment. NOT THE LIFE I CHOSE was created by all of us for all of us (for you and me to find community and sanctuary and (perhaps discover and mark some ways forward for all of us )
Saturday, September 5, 2015
"The In-Between Time" Between the Knock on the Door, the Police, the realization of Betrayal and our "next life" with or without "our" Sex Offender.
I found this discussion on Daily Strength (Families of sex Offenders,under the thread "The In Between Time" I just recently "found" this resource because a friend of mine whose husband is on the Sex Offender Registry told me about Daily Strength. I wanted to share it with you. Not because I don't hope that Not the Life I Chose won't continue to feel like your "Home Group" so to speak but because we all need each other every day and in sharing, in Breaking the Silence, Overcoming our Fears, we gather courage to become Visible once again...(I'd even say finding strength to lift the Burdens of Silence and shame from our shoulders and from the shoulders of other women after the Knock on the door is empowering!) When I find more resources I'll share them also and please share your own thoughts, resources etc with the rest of us here on Not The Life I Chose. Please.
Any way here is reply #7 from the thread
"The "in between" time
The initial shock in any tragic situation is always the hardest. There are many unfamiliar stumbling blocks, and it makes the grieving process (Yes, it is a grieving process) difficult to move forward with, especially if each time you think you are getting a handle on things, something else is thrown at you.
I cannot speak from the aspect of a child going through something like this with a parent. My situation is as a parent grieving the actions of an adult child, but some things are sort of the same.
Going forward you can count on your life being different from what you have known in the past. People will go out of their way to ‘advice’ you on how you ‘should’ handle things. Many will make claims to know what is best for you and your son. So called friends may turn their backs on you, and you will be judged by proxy. (Associaton)
On the other hand, you may have different experiences. Go with what feels right for you. If you don’t want to talk about it…..don’t. Make decisions in a manner that will make the process easier for you and your son to handle. Don’t let well meaning people push you into doing something that doesn’t feel right to you.
I believe one things most of us going through this type of situation have in common is that we have had to grow a pretty thick skin to protect ourselves from the petty gossip that arises, and have had to be willing to accept changes as they come in order to keep our heads above water. You do what you have to do for yourself and your son.
Keeping busy is a key factor. You will need to distract your mind or you will go nuts thinking about things. I myself probably have the cleanest house in 3 states. Movement and physical activity helps me. I reveal close to the bone events openly to only one person, as most of the people I used to call friends and family are not around by their choice or mine.
The limbo phase is truly the hardest. Hang in there, eventually things will start to smooth out some. Come back and let us know how you are. We do care. "
I second the motion. Please do come back and let us know how you are. We do care here on Not the Life I Chose, also.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE
As some of you who follow Not the Life I Chose (or the Wind Harp Tree blog) may know, I have been writing A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER"S LIFE, a memoir about my own experience with incest from the perspective of a daughter, a mother and a sex offender's wife. At first the book was tentatively entitled "Happily Ever After" but as the memoir progressed and I got my "life" down on the page, I realized that A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER"S LIFE might also provide a unique opportunity for a reader to understand "from the inside out." what life is like inside a sex offender's family.
As an incested child growing up, then as the wife of a man who turned out to be strangely like my own father, then as the mother of incested children, I was silenced, shamed and blamed, And for a long time I did indeed blame myself. I didn't understand that incest and the Burdens of Silence and Shame resonate through whole generations of family until I began to examine my life and write this memoir..
At first, I was afraid to speak up, to write, because however a sex offender's wife or an incested child's mother decides to handle her children's and her own sexual betrayal,someone "out there" is going to say she "lived right there and must have known all along." Today, not only the sex offender but the whole family can be Googled and tarred and feathered right along with the child who was sexually molested and betrayed by a person she or he had every right to expect would protect him. Life becomes a vicious circle of shame, blame and ignorance.
The Families of Sex Offenders are isolated both by the incester and by a society that doesn't understand what life is like within the cycle of sexual abuse. Unless families are able to speak out, report and keep talking, incested little girls and little boys "Treated like girls" remain trapped all their lives within the cycle of abuse. Silence and shame renders us invisible. Some boys, like my own father, go on to "solve" the problem of their own molest by growing up to become molesters themselves. Some girls go on to marry men "strangely like" their own fathers. Living silenced, un-examined lives we complete a hidden cycle of sexual abuse.
I'm not finished writing or revising A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER"S LIFE but when it's polished and ready sometime next year, I hope my memoir will offer a rare perspective on sexual abuse from inside a family and by extension, see the families of sex offenders perhaps with new eyes. With 750,000 sex offenders on the National Sex Offender Registry (and more added every day) there are a whole lot of "us" out here and our experience offers a unique perspective on a national problem..
If nothing else, I hope that in writing A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE I may in some small way break the silence and the shame surrounding family sexual abuse, I hope the book starts a discussion and that Wind Harp Tree (like Not the Life I Chose) might provide a place where other mothers, other families living with sexual abuse are free to share their own experience,strength and hope with me, with Evie and each other. Because, I believe, it is only in daring to become Visible that there is hope of breaking the cycle of sexual abuse before it rolls on down into the lives of future generations of children.
So, whether your marriage, your family has been effected by sexual betrayal or not, I hope that when A SEX OFFENDER"S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE is ready for publication, the book will offer a rare public glimpse of life inside a sex offender's family.
By speaking out on Wind Harp Tree and Not the Life I Chose and by (eventually) publishing A SEX OFFENDER"S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE I hope in some small way to help sexually molested little girls and little boys "treated like girls" to go onto live lives that are Visible and Free.
So, please tell us your own story. (We won't repeat it) but coming together and sharing will cut down on our isolation, give us comfort to know someone has been there and understands. We have so much to give to each other and to the children, and the families we still love.
So take care. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Janet Mackie
As an incested child growing up, then as the wife of a man who turned out to be strangely like my own father, then as the mother of incested children, I was silenced, shamed and blamed, And for a long time I did indeed blame myself. I didn't understand that incest and the Burdens of Silence and Shame resonate through whole generations of family until I began to examine my life and write this memoir..
At first, I was afraid to speak up, to write, because however a sex offender's wife or an incested child's mother decides to handle her children's and her own sexual betrayal,someone "out there" is going to say she "lived right there and must have known all along." Today, not only the sex offender but the whole family can be Googled and tarred and feathered right along with the child who was sexually molested and betrayed by a person she or he had every right to expect would protect him. Life becomes a vicious circle of shame, blame and ignorance.
The Families of Sex Offenders are isolated both by the incester and by a society that doesn't understand what life is like within the cycle of sexual abuse. Unless families are able to speak out, report and keep talking, incested little girls and little boys "Treated like girls" remain trapped all their lives within the cycle of abuse. Silence and shame renders us invisible. Some boys, like my own father, go on to "solve" the problem of their own molest by growing up to become molesters themselves. Some girls go on to marry men "strangely like" their own fathers. Living silenced, un-examined lives we complete a hidden cycle of sexual abuse.
I'm not finished writing or revising A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER"S LIFE but when it's polished and ready sometime next year, I hope my memoir will offer a rare perspective on sexual abuse from inside a family and by extension, see the families of sex offenders perhaps with new eyes. With 750,000 sex offenders on the National Sex Offender Registry (and more added every day) there are a whole lot of "us" out here and our experience offers a unique perspective on a national problem..
If nothing else, I hope that in writing A SEX OFFENDER'S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE I may in some small way break the silence and the shame surrounding family sexual abuse, I hope the book starts a discussion and that Wind Harp Tree (like Not the Life I Chose) might provide a place where other mothers, other families living with sexual abuse are free to share their own experience,strength and hope with me, with Evie and each other. Because, I believe, it is only in daring to become Visible that there is hope of breaking the cycle of sexual abuse before it rolls on down into the lives of future generations of children.
So, whether your marriage, your family has been effected by sexual betrayal or not, I hope that when A SEX OFFENDER"S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE is ready for publication, the book will offer a rare public glimpse of life inside a sex offender's family.
By speaking out on Wind Harp Tree and Not the Life I Chose and by (eventually) publishing A SEX OFFENDER"S WIFE, A DAUGHTER'S LIFE I hope in some small way to help sexually molested little girls and little boys "treated like girls" to go onto live lives that are Visible and Free.
So, please tell us your own story. (We won't repeat it) but coming together and sharing will cut down on our isolation, give us comfort to know someone has been there and understands. We have so much to give to each other and to the children, and the families we still love.
So take care. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Janet Mackie
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Something we can do on 8/30/2015: Watch a film and Start the Conversation about Child sexual Abuse: Watch Breaking Silence
 Share on Facebook |
||
|
Dear
Janet,
On Sunday, August 30, at 10/9 Central, the TLC channel
will air the premiere of "Breaking the Silence." It has been an incredible
experience participating in the development of this groundbreaking film
addressing the issue of child sexual abuse. This film communicates the
importance of adult responsibility and prevention. Don't forget to set your DVRs
or tune in to this special commercial-free program. Join us on Twitter before
and during the premiere, using the hashtag #BeTheVoice, to
discuss the film and how to protect children from sexual abuse.
We are also creating a viewers guide that will give you more information and provide deeper insight into the film. It will be available on Sunday right before the film at 9 p.m. Eastern and you can download the guide here. For those of you who are not able to see the live airing, the film is available for download on iTunes, VOD or on demand at TLC.com starting on Monday, August 31. We look forward to the premiere of this very important film and ask you to join us for conversation on Twitter and beyond.
Sincerely,
 | ||
Friday, August 28, 2015
What (might be) going on in their Heads? Sex addict, sex offender, rapist, child pornographer, child molester, incester...
An Opinion from Daily Strength a website for Families who live with betrayal
"I personally believe that there is indeed a sex and pornography addiction and that it can be treated.
The reason I am confident that these addictions exist is that these addictions show a chemical change in the brain which is responsible for the behavior.
In school, as part of my pharmacology studies, I had a course in addictions. The porn, sex, and gambling addiction is almost exactly like most other addictions and follows the same pattern.
These addictions are something that happens in the brain, but there is a physical component involved, as with all addictions. I don't see how anyone that understands addictions can say that porn, sex, gambling, or any other activity cannot be an addition.
Any action that excites areas of the brain, making the user want more and more is addicting. In fact, that is one of the main explanations for the addiction and an addiction causes this repeated behavior regardless of the consequences. Porn certainly can do that.
The changes in the brain area seen with guys with porn addictions are the very reason they cannot just stop looking at the images and videos. These addictions are treatable; they are not someone's imagination or an "excuse" for someone to use.
They are real, prompted by demonstrable changes in the brain area and the brain chemistry. "
"I personally believe that there is indeed a sex and pornography addiction and that it can be treated.
The reason I am confident that these addictions exist is that these addictions show a chemical change in the brain which is responsible for the behavior.
In school, as part of my pharmacology studies, I had a course in addictions. The porn, sex, and gambling addiction is almost exactly like most other addictions and follows the same pattern.
These addictions are something that happens in the brain, but there is a physical component involved, as with all addictions. I don't see how anyone that understands addictions can say that porn, sex, gambling, or any other activity cannot be an addition.
Any action that excites areas of the brain, making the user want more and more is addicting. In fact, that is one of the main explanations for the addiction and an addiction causes this repeated behavior regardless of the consequences. Porn certainly can do that.
The changes in the brain area seen with guys with porn addictions are the very reason they cannot just stop looking at the images and videos. These addictions are treatable; they are not someone's imagination or an "excuse" for someone to use.
They are real, prompted by demonstrable changes in the brain area and the brain chemistry. "
Thursday, July 30, 2015
As Mothers of sexually abused children, as Wives of Sex Offenders, as Mothers/ Families of sex Offenders We are judged Differently
After we realize our betrayal, after our children tell us, once the police knock on the door WE are the ones who live in dread of "exposure" My mother experienced domestic violence but was so ashamed that my father abused her that she told no one. Sexually abused children are threatened with "foster care" if they tell, we are afraid f what the neighbors will think, afraid of how WE will be judged (After all you lived right there in the house and you claim you didn't know?) We worry about what our bosses at work will say if they find out we live/ed with a man on the Sex Offender Registry.
It's just all too much. To avoid being labeled and rejected, to protect our children we move to another state, we remarry l in haste sometimes to another strangely familiar man... We try to be accepted as normal. We live in fear of "exposure" and we learn how to lie. We tell ourselves just don't think about it...
But No Problem is ever "Solved" when we tell ourselves "Just don't think about it." Sexual Abuse affects the entire family so does Alcoholism, even Domestic Violence impose certain Strangely Familiar "patterns" upon wives, children and families struggling with each of these destructive "issues" separately or in tandem.
It is pretty well known that wives of alcoholics learn to behave in certain ways, in fact the word "Enabler " was coined (by some "mental health professional" no doubt) to point out the part wives learn to play in their continuing attempts to cover up "the Problem."
As "Wives" we don't want our husbands exposed, fired from their jobs, we dread the loss of social standing. We don't want our children pointed out, our family ridiculed, pitied or reported to the police. What ever the reason we make Every effort to avoid facing "the problem" in our relationship whatever we think "it" is. To avoid having the family Exposed as "different." we minimize (He's not a drunk. He just drinks a little too much.) (or in the case of sexual abuse: "Pornography isn't really a sexual offense. etc. sexual addiction is a disease and it's no bodies business if my husband ...whatever...it just the drink. I'm not really the sole support of this family, he works when he can....They lied/ the child lied/ he says he didn't, he's not a drunk, a sex offender, unfathful etc etc )
For whatever "reasons" wives and girlfriends (mothers) worry, excuse, attempt to cover up the extent of the damage that "Alcoholism" or(or the less mentionalbe "problems we may "imagine") are wrecking, have wrecked, upon our marriage or relationship or children, upon our whole family. Even when "our alcoholic" "Our Offender" or til death do we part love of our life" goes to jail (for DUI or fighting ...or a Sex Offense) Ever faithful Wives keep on keeping on far longer than love, /marriage vows or even reason would seem to require. We Enable. We blame ourselves...
The label "Enabler" is well earned. Yet we do not see that we have been conditioned as good wives and mothers to put forth such efforts. And because we continue, due to our efforts to fix to "love away" the problems the "Harm" goes on much longer, In the process the entire family which we as wives and mothers try so hard to keep together becomes infected. Our children learn toxic patterns of behavior when they are abused, molested, witness domestic violence and /or Alcoholism. As wives and mothers all too often we assume the role of fixer/enabeler. to minimize the guilt in not having "fixed" whatever problem infests our family. Even when we don't exactly know what the "problem is" it must be our fault because we have not "fixed" it...but never fea we will even if our husband who is in the process betraying and thereby mentally, emotionally and even physically abusing us. But we "forgive" we continue to minimize, to believe the power of our love will make everything "All right." We even learn to feel Pride in our own endurance in the strength of our love, in our faith which keeps us keeping on. We are after all "good women" however we pride ourselves in being "good/faithful/forgiving. We ,at least, are/true to OUR vows.
Sound familiar? We wives of sex offenders seem to behave in much the same way, before and after their betrayals are exposed.. In much the same way, wives who don't even realize the harm being done to the children they love, continue to pride themselves, upon their continuing love for husbands who are betraying the very vows their wives once imagined they both held hold sacred. We all want to imagine that we can (unilaterally) "fix things" unilaterally love everything into perfection. (even if we don't quite yet know exactly what went wrong.)
The problem is that even if we choose divorce we,(much like the wife of and alcoholic) because of our own conditioning to their unreasonable demands, we need to be needed. We ae all to prone to run our and marry another "Strangely Familiar" man wh offers us the opportunity to (this time) successfully "Fix" another "Strangely Familiar Relationship"
The wives of Alcoholics have a place to go, to listen and learn from others affected by alcoholism. It's called Alanon. Adult children of Alcoholics attend (you guessed it) Adult Children Meetings.
AA has been active for nearly 100 years and meeting can be located n every town.
The wives of Alcoholics first recognized themselves as enablers needing each others support.
As the wives and children of sexual abusers, we could learn a lot Alanon. In fact in Alanon, some women and children are able to see patterns patterns of "abuse" across all the spectrums of pain and harm injected into their own lives. Some are even mentioning in meeting that they too were sexually abused in childhood, saw domestice abuse etc etc.
I am not suggesting that every pr=ornographer, every sexual abuser is in fact and alcoholic, nor am I suggesting every alcoholic is an abuser...
Just Saying, women and children trying to "fix" the situations, however dis-separate the "symptoms" may react in similar ways, in addition to the harm caused by chld sexual abuse...we may all feel the same guilt and learn similar patterns that we carry into our next "relationship?
Just saying. After all
It's just all too much. To avoid being labeled and rejected, to protect our children we move to another state, we remarry l in haste sometimes to another strangely familiar man... We try to be accepted as normal. We live in fear of "exposure" and we learn how to lie. We tell ourselves just don't think about it...
But No Problem is ever "Solved" when we tell ourselves "Just don't think about it." Sexual Abuse affects the entire family so does Alcoholism, even Domestic Violence impose certain Strangely Familiar "patterns" upon wives, children and families struggling with each of these destructive "issues" separately or in tandem.
It is pretty well known that wives of alcoholics learn to behave in certain ways, in fact the word "Enabler " was coined (by some "mental health professional" no doubt) to point out the part wives learn to play in their continuing attempts to cover up "the Problem."
As "Wives" we don't want our husbands exposed, fired from their jobs, we dread the loss of social standing. We don't want our children pointed out, our family ridiculed, pitied or reported to the police. What ever the reason we make Every effort to avoid facing "the problem" in our relationship whatever we think "it" is. To avoid having the family Exposed as "different." we minimize (He's not a drunk. He just drinks a little too much.) (or in the case of sexual abuse: "Pornography isn't really a sexual offense. etc. sexual addiction is a disease and it's no bodies business if my husband ...whatever...it just the drink. I'm not really the sole support of this family, he works when he can....They lied/ the child lied/ he says he didn't, he's not a drunk, a sex offender, unfathful etc etc )
For whatever "reasons" wives and girlfriends (mothers) worry, excuse, attempt to cover up the extent of the damage that "Alcoholism" or(or the less mentionalbe "problems we may "imagine") are wrecking, have wrecked, upon our marriage or relationship or children, upon our whole family. Even when "our alcoholic" "Our Offender" or til death do we part love of our life" goes to jail (for DUI or fighting ...or a Sex Offense) Ever faithful Wives keep on keeping on far longer than love, /marriage vows or even reason would seem to require. We Enable. We blame ourselves...
The label "Enabler" is well earned. Yet we do not see that we have been conditioned as good wives and mothers to put forth such efforts. And because we continue, due to our efforts to fix to "love away" the problems the "Harm" goes on much longer, In the process the entire family which we as wives and mothers try so hard to keep together becomes infected. Our children learn toxic patterns of behavior when they are abused, molested, witness domestic violence and /or Alcoholism. As wives and mothers all too often we assume the role of fixer/enabeler. to minimize the guilt in not having "fixed" whatever problem infests our family. Even when we don't exactly know what the "problem is" it must be our fault because we have not "fixed" it...but never fea we will even if our husband who is in the process betraying and thereby mentally, emotionally and even physically abusing us. But we "forgive" we continue to minimize, to believe the power of our love will make everything "All right." We even learn to feel Pride in our own endurance in the strength of our love, in our faith which keeps us keeping on. We are after all "good women" however we pride ourselves in being "good/faithful/forgiving. We ,at least, are/true to OUR vows.
Sound familiar? We wives of sex offenders seem to behave in much the same way, before and after their betrayals are exposed.. In much the same way, wives who don't even realize the harm being done to the children they love, continue to pride themselves, upon their continuing love for husbands who are betraying the very vows their wives once imagined they both held hold sacred. We all want to imagine that we can (unilaterally) "fix things" unilaterally love everything into perfection. (even if we don't quite yet know exactly what went wrong.)
The problem is that even if we choose divorce we,(much like the wife of and alcoholic) because of our own conditioning to their unreasonable demands, we need to be needed. We ae all to prone to run our and marry another "Strangely Familiar" man wh offers us the opportunity to (this time) successfully "Fix" another "Strangely Familiar Relationship"
The wives of Alcoholics have a place to go, to listen and learn from others affected by alcoholism. It's called Alanon. Adult children of Alcoholics attend (you guessed it) Adult Children Meetings.
AA has been active for nearly 100 years and meeting can be located n every town.
The wives of Alcoholics first recognized themselves as enablers needing each others support.
As the wives and children of sexual abusers, we could learn a lot Alanon. In fact in Alanon, some women and children are able to see patterns patterns of "abuse" across all the spectrums of pain and harm injected into their own lives. Some are even mentioning in meeting that they too were sexually abused in childhood, saw domestice abuse etc etc.
I am not suggesting that every pr=ornographer, every sexual abuser is in fact and alcoholic, nor am I suggesting every alcoholic is an abuser...
Just Saying, women and children trying to "fix" the situations, however dis-separate the "symptoms" may react in similar ways, in addition to the harm caused by chld sexual abuse...we may all feel the same guilt and learn similar patterns that we carry into our next "relationship?
Just saying. After all
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