After the Knock on the Door: Some of us visit someone in prison or jail (especially if your "offender" is your son or grandson or a husband who takes responsibility for what he's done, or if you have children who still need to resolve issues with the person who took advantage of them)

Even deciding to keep in touch is complicated. Many "offenders" face long sentences and the shock of visiting can be almost as great as the chaos we experience after the initial arrest. 

I wrote the post below to comfort and encourage a woman whose son is in jail awaiting sentencing and who is trying desperately to keep her connection with her son alive because in spite of everything she loves him.

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I don't know how old you are or how much other family you have to help you through this but as I get older, I'm not thrilled at the inevitabilitys I'm facing as I age. I for one, can't think of much worse than to outlive everyone I care about and end up alone among strangers when I am old and can't fend for myself.  

I don't know what kind of sentence your son faces but he sees the old guys on the yard and the graying couple/ mothers in visiting and it's like looking fate in the face. 

Your son faces the prospect of (perhaps) quite a long time in prison and the loss of not only a lot of his productive years but perhaps the loss of his mother who, it sounds like is his life line during this time. 

If he calls you a couple of times a day from jail he needs to hear your voice and know you are still alive as much as you sound like you need to hear his voice and know he's still alive and relatively safe. So what if you sit in silence during visits? Just try to make it's a companionable silence when you visit. As long as you can hug him and see his face? What you say to each other doesn't matter nearly as much as that you don't take all this hurt and anger and betrayal out on each other and make a bad situation worse. Don't cut each other off. There is a lot to work through and it takes time to let go of negative emotions that have power to corrode life long after the initial harm has been done.

There is a verse in Job that matters to me: "There is this of a tree, if it be cut down the tender branch there of shall rise again." Stop focusing on loss. Talk to your son about how both of you will (eventually) find ways to rise again. There are useful things he can find to do inside. That verse applies to us all. 

For now, maybe ask him what music he wants to hear and see if you can play a few minutes of a favorite song for him next time he calls you. Tell him you are in for the long haul. Tell him you aren't goi ng away any time soon.    Tell him what they/ we too are going through  too not as a way to guilt him but as a way to include him as you and your family grow past the huts.  Read comments or comment on sites like this or on sites like Daily Strength Families of sex Offenders  and discuss how we/ they handle what they're going through in visiting and on the outside. Ask his opinion. Tell him what others say about their situations how they handle this and other stuff that comes up because we are you and he are all in this together now.  

See what he thinks about what you read. About what others go through and how they handle things.  Ask him how he thinks you (both) could handle this, or ask him if he has a suggestion to offer someone about how they might handle something they are going through and post his ideas and tell him what the response was. 

Include him in this life.

Grow a better, more honest life between the two of you so you will have a better more honest life in the future with all the people you love and who love you. If you decide to make the attempt to grow past this make him part of it as he grows. He needs you and you need him and we all need each other. And if there are children involved they already have too much to deal with. They don't need more secrets, more unresolved guilt.  We all need people who understand the joys and sorrows of this life after the Knock on the door.  Listen and then do something to make your life and his ( and your children's lives) better. 

I suggest you find a way to let go of your anger and be glad you can still hear the sound of his voice. Be glad you can visit often. Even if you visit so often that you sometimes run out of things to say to each other. Decide to be glad you are both alive. Decide to make the most of the time you have together and apart. 

Do things on purpose. Take care of yourself. Get up and go read all the funny greeting cards on the wrack at the grocery store. Send him the funniest card. Write I love you inside the card. Then go get your hair cut. Some people search the internet not only other women like us so they will know they are not so alone in making hard decisions but they look for jokes and funny jokes/ pictures to print off and send in (cheaper than a card)  Shop the thrift stores and find something "new" in a pretty color.  Watch a comedy and if that doesn't cheer you up watch another one! 

Make a list of what makes you feel better and actually get up and do it and then you'll have something to talk about.

Get on with constructing your new life. Include him if you decide it best for you not to cut him off.  A woman recently posted on Not the Life who said after two years she has decided to participate in therapy with her husband. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to trust him again, but sometimes it's worth finding the answer to that question because all of us need / have to make the same decision, if not with him, at least down the road with someone else....

Take Care, Janet Mackie.

Living in fear of "What will people think" now that our world has imploded

On the issue of "speaking out"  (aka becoming visible)  To the degree that each one can do something (no matter what degree of visibility we choose ) we need to do that.   Not just fbecause we feel angry and mis-understood but to free ourselves from the pervasive fear we each feel at the idea of being exposed to derision and contempt.

There are very real  consequences that result can result from being labeled and googled on the internet etc.  Many people have been traumatized by what happened to their lives and their families after  the initial law enforcement "knock on the door" ( I would have been fired from my job had my employer known, maybe not for "that" reason but some "reason" would have occurred to them. I used a post office box so my address wouldn't come up in a google search at work etc. I became adept at being friendly but I didn't have friends I really talked to. But then I was well schooled in childhood not to "Tell." family business even if it was family incest )

A lot of us (as wives,  mothers, Gf's, friends, family spent our lives in isolation even before "this happened" We never really had any idea what was going on in our own lives even when it had "happened to some of us in childhood, we blanked all that out in order to survive then just like maybe our wn sexually abuse children are "blanking out" now. The point of therapy is to deal whith the "effects now not close over and carry hurt and "balnk out" not be secret survivors) But we didn't know until  the rug suddenly got pulled out from under our world, until  the 'nice' middle class facade cracked and the Haters (and the self hatred) came rushing in..

Some of us found out that our children had been grievously harmed, some for years, while at the same time we realized we ourselves had been betrayed by a partner we loved and had been loyal to We found we had been  lied to, made a fool of,  again,  sometimes for years on end and OUR children too. . Some of us just got stuck (again?) in all that trauma for years. We crept back into isolation carrying a burden of unresolved anger and hurt and (yes) love.

Being able to read comments on sites like Not the Life, on Daily strength, on Women Against Registry,  helps people on every side begin to comprehend that this isn't simply "our" family's problem, It can't be helped by old beliefs and old prejudice run rampant (once a ... always a...isn't true  any more than once sexually abused...forever a victim)  but how to see and stop the cycle?  Hatred, self blame doesn't help, hating our abuser or our "significant other' doesn't help. The Adam Walsh Act, the National Registry solves nothing except to make us all "collateral damage"  passage of  the International Megan's Law does nothing nothing to stop sex trafficking as it claims)  we need to remove silence and prejudice and lust to punish just as much as we need to dispel our own (former) ways of thinking and see the "problems" we face and make informed decisions and we can't do that when we are mired in the same unthinking prejudices and silence which led us to need to find other women on Not the Life I Chose.

We all are coping with a lot of after-effects both of the molest but also of the barriers we face trying to recover individually and as families and our own conter-productive set ways of thinking. The courts, the "justice system" the Registry isn't solving anything. It doesn't protect us or our children and it does not help us find courage to heal in any real way.

It's taken me years to start to understand and heal what was done to me as a child isolated and alone (told Don't Tell, made afraid of  'what they'll think" of me and mine if family business becomes "known") then (still carrying the blindness of self blame) I married a man who seemed nice (strangely familiar?) He fit MY own preconceived pattern  of what my place in marriage ought to be and as it turned out he, like my father, was inclined to abuse his power within family to abuse our children and trick and betray me)

But because I never really took time to  step back and see any "pattern" because I remained in fear, stuck in silence I never realized  there were other's to share with, I never spoke up. Thus the cycle of abuse continued. Because little girls "treated like girls" are taught "their place" while little boy's "treated like girls" are told they are defective in the first place because "they let it happen?" All of us  are angry, afraid, never get substantive treatment/ actual help to understand ourselves any more than as a child or grown woman I got help to understand myself, not only in relation to my own specific case but in relation to the larger patterns (widely accepted in our society) that lead to abuse of power.  I too never became healthy enough to see that I "choose" differently. That took a paradigm shift I couldn't fathom until I started finding out we are not alone...with 880,000 names on the National sex offender registry, the are certainly a lot of "Us" family members out here But who knew. We all live in separate silos out of fear and shame and blame and....

So what's the point here?

Well I am against the present system, against these draconian punishments meted out to one and all because they only serve to drive us further into isolation and un-knowing and fear.  The present solutions (AWA, IML,  do  next to  nothing to restore justice or heal any of us personally involved in the situation.  Like they say in AA, "stinking thinking is (obviously) involved in these transgressions, in what we as arents and family members have done and in what we have failed to do)

Adding more "group stinking thinking" more hate speech more prejudice poured like gasoline on the fire of public humiliations does far more harm than the "good" law makers and "helpers"  claim is intended.  Silence, fear, anger and hate  only ensures these problems will fester and continue into the next generations...

And I for one think it's time we spoke out in favor of  actual healing, real help, I need to understand what happened and most importantly how we all can contribute to stopping the cycle.

Speaking out, in whatever way we can (that doesn't cause us personally even more collateral damage) strategizng, contributing our thoughts/ comments, our courage and (yes) our $$$ to court cases aimed at help all of us free ourselves from the past,  helping us have the freedom from fear necessary to understand just where our continued stinking thinking and fear are leading (if we don't find courage, if we don't dare look honestly clear the past and aim toward a healthier future for ourselves and our families and our society) Finding courage to speak up defend ourselves from the rampant prejudice and societal blame we all fear seems important.

Because standing up for ourselves and others, commenting sharing our stories on Daily Strength, on Women Against the Registry, on Nat'l RSOL on Cure-Sort in what ever way we decide we can helps us grow  safely,   empowers us to take control of our lives in ways that make us and our families healthier, more resilient and more courageous. And it helps turn the tide, (reach critical mass/swing the pendulum?) back toward restoring justice to the system and toward self mastery and freedom and away from becoming haters, spewing hate speech. Away from allowing our our misery used to used in ways that in the end only promote more harm to us and to our children  We need restorative   justice strategies inside and outside for our families and for our society and for future generations.

In the  end finding courage to do what we can when we can despite fear will help us all to actually protect children and behave in ways that honor the power granted us as parents and in so doing we become the  adults who speak out and protect children (and in the process maybe even do some good in turning around a society gone mad with power and hate and lust for "punishment") The continuation of fear and silence and old "Stinking Thinking" only leads to more of the same. And we of all people know we need to begin the conversation and find another way.

FYI: For women/ wives/ mothers hoping to keep in touch with a loved one (a husband, a BF, a son or grandson) sent to prison ("After the Knock on the door") SNY's ( Sentisive Needs Yards) Exist to help SO's and Juveniles sentenced as sex offenders

I offer this link from Daily Strength Families of sex Offenders to wives and mothers on Not the Life because you may want to pass these safety suggestions on to a loved one in prison. It helps to ease your mind about their safety so you can focus on decisions you will have to make   dealing with all the collateral damage out here.  

 Survival in a California Sensitive Needs Yard: Advice from the Inside  (please note, this information is from California but is good survival information for anyone in any prison or jail in the US) the information is from http://prisontalk.com/forums/ a valuable resource some of you may want to go to depending upon the decisions you make "After the knock at the door" 

The California Department of Corrections (CDC) has set aside a number of prison yards designated as Sensitive Needs Yards(SNY) to accommodate ex-gang members, sex offenders, and others in need of protective custody. The SNY program differs from the mainline in a number of ways. First, guys who have "P/C'ed Up", or gone SNY, are considered "no good" on the mainline yards. Once someone has been in protective custody, either in the state prison system or in their county jail, they cannot safely return to the mainline. Second, nearly all of the "politics" do not exist on the SNY yards. By politics, I'm talking about the racial segregation, the prison gangs, and the checking of paperwork. Keep in mind, however, that there is still a hierarchy among the inmates based on their controlling cases (the charges that brought a guy to prison). Third, the SNY inmates are considered the lowest of the low in the prison system. That includes the inmates, some guards, and some of the brass on the yard. To put it succinctly, as an SNY inmate, you have nothing coming, so don't expect it.

You can, however, survive SNY if you play your cards right. Follow these basic guidelines and you should be okay.

• Be friendly to everyone, but friends with no one. You are likely to meet very few people in prison you will want to be friends with outside of prison. Always be courteous, share when you can, and do not make jokes with casual acquaintances. You never know when someone is going to misinterpret what you say and cause you a lot of grief. Remember: It is easier to not say it than to say it and hope they aren't offended by it.

• Do not tell ANYONE why you are in SNY. Sex offenders are considered the lowest of all the inmates on any yard. A known sex offender will have trouble with some inmates in the form of refusing to cell up with them, being intimidated or harassed, having their property stolen, etc. There is little access to information in prison, so if you do not tell anyone why you are SNY, they will never know. They may suspect, but they won't know.

• If you are a sex offender, develop a cover story. Eventually the subject of why you are here will come up. If you tell the truth, you're in trouble. If you refuse to talk about it, people will make assumptions. You will need two parts for your cover story: an "acceptable" controlling case (the crime you were convicted of), and a reason you are in SNY. To fabricate a controlling case you need to familiarize yourself with the penal code. You will need to know what your crime is called, its P/C code, the possible terms you could have been sentenced to, and whether it falls under the control of the 3 strikes 85% law. Good candidates for controlling cases are theft, drug offenses, drunk driving, and other property crimes. If you've never done drugs, you're not going to be able to pull off a drug offense, so don't try. Drunk drivers don't go to prison on their first conviction, so be prepared to fabricate other DUIs. Also, be sure to research what the experience is like for offenders in your county. The last thing you want to do is be caught ignorant of how the system works.

Reasons you are SNY are tricky as well. If you have gang affiliations, it's easy. If you have gang tattoos, it's easy to say you dropped out. But if you are a clean-cut white guy with no ink and no priors, you've got to be a little creative. You need to fabricate some circumstance that would put you in danger with inmates in the county jail, but be acceptable in the prison system. Any offense involving a child is a good reason to P/C up, but prison inmates don't like guys who hurt children. (It's okay to sell drugs to a child's parents, or kill the parent of a child, but a crime involving a child directly is another thing.) If you can add just the right elements to your story to get the COUNTY to put you in protective custody, you're in good shape because once you've been on the P/C side you can't go to the mainline because you're "no good." 

Here is a possible cover story. I haven't researched all of the aspects that you should before using this story, so do your homework. If you have just a little time to do, around 3 years, try this: You had been drinking, didn't think you were drunk, hit a parked car and left the scene because you were driving on a suspended license. Your niece was in the car, so when the police finally caught you, they charged you with DUI, felony hit and run, and child endangerment. Because of the last charge, the county put you in the P/C tank and now you can't go mainline. It's plausible and safe. Rehearse the story so you can provide enough details to make it believable .

• Respect others. In prison, the word "respect" is thrown around all the time. To prison inmates, any form of courtesy is called respect. If an inmate feels disrespected, he will resolve the issue one way or another. The least desirable way is to fight, but it's a fairly common occurrence. Things you can do that will be seen as respectful include: courtesy flushing the toilet, washing your hands after using the toilet, not spitting your toothpaste in the sink (use the toilet), saying "excuse me" any time you walk in between people, staying out of others' space, speaking in a quiet voice, cleaning up after yourself, not waking people up, and not saying things you think are funny at someone else's expense. If you try to be as neutral, polite and inoffensive as possible, you will probably be seen as respectful.

• Stay away from drama. Most of the drama on the SNY yard revolves around drugs and homosexuals. Guys sell their medications and on occasion some controlled substances get smuggled in. Avoid them. The quickest and easiest way to get hurt is to run up a debt for something you really don't need, like drugs. There are also some homosexuals on the yard who are looking to pair up with someone. It's usually not for love; it's more for sex and money. Guys tend to be protective and the gay guys tend to look for ways to get attention, so steer clear.

• Don't borrow. Prison is a tough place to live if you don't have any of the allowed niceties. However, trouble is right around the corner if you owe somebody something. Convicts have some twisted ideas about how things should work, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that something bad might happen if you find yourself in debt. A good rule of thumb is if you can't pay cash for it, you don't need it.

If you heed these warnings you should be able to fly under the radar for the length of your term. Keep in mind that on an SNY yard, up to 90% of the guys are doing time for a sex offence. They won't admit it, and they will divert attention from themselves by pointing fingers at others. But the bottom line is that guys who have gone SNY want to go home. Be respectful, don't call attention to yourself, and don't be a jackass and you will most likely be OK. Remember, there is only one person you can totally trust to keep you safe --you.

Along with the above tips, there are a few basic things you need to know about the prison system. The following is the most basic information you will need to know. One of the amazing things about inmates is that even though many have been through the system many times, they don't know how things really work. They tend to rely on their own experiences and what other inmates have told them. The following information is reliable.

Reception--After your conviction you will be remanded to the county jail. Within a few weeks you will be transported to a state prison near you that has a reception facility. Reception is a kind of purgatory where all prisoners go to await endorsement to a state prison for permanent housing. Your stay in reception is supposed to last from 30 to 120 days, but nothing is guaranteed.

While you are in reception, you will be screened medically and psychologically. When they have found a place for you at a permanent facility you will be bused to your new prison. In the meantime, you will be in reception, living in the relatively bizarre reception program. In reception you will be housed in a two-man cell with another inmate who could be there for anything from a parole violation to a double murder. Since you don't know who you will be paired up with, you should really practice showing "respect."

The reception program is much more restrictive than the regular program. You will be locked in your cell all day except for breakfast and dinner and a couple of hours on the yard two days a week. You are allowed a shower every other day. Other than those times you are locked up. If you are not a reader, this will be a great opportunity to learn to like it. Also, writing letters is a great way to kill time and really helps to keep you sane. Encourage your friends and family to send you writing packets consisting of paper, envelopes, pens, and stamps. In reception, stamps are like money. You can buy food and other necessities with stamps, but keep in mind that they are not worth face value. A stamped envelope will get you a bag of chips, or a two-pack of cookies, a piece of fruit, or maybe even a "shot of coffee." The more stamps you have, the better.

After what seems like an eternity, you will be called to see your counselor. At that meeting, he will tell you how many "points" you have, what custody level you are, and which prisons you are recommended for. The recommendations are just that, recommendations. There is no guarantee that you will go to either place.

The prison yard you are sent to is determined by the number of points you have. There are 4 levels of custody with level IV being the most restrictive and level I being the least. The point cutoffs are: level IV--52+, Level III--28-51, Level II--19-27, and Level I--0-19. A sex offender points cannot drop below 19, due to the "mandatory minimum" score that is imposed. To calculate your points, multiply your sentence years by 2. Add to that the appropriate amount of points for your age at first arrest: 17 years or under = 12, 18 to 21 = 10, 22 to 29 = 8, 30 to 35 = 4, and 36+ = 0. Then add the appropriate amount of points for your age at reception: 16 to 20 years old = 8, 21 to 26 = 6, 27 to 35 = 4, and 36+ = 0. You also get 1 point if you were previously sentenced to 31+ days in the county jail. There are other factors, such as gang affiliation that earn you more points, but we'll ignore those for brevity's sake.

Level IV inmates are housed in two-man cells as are Level III. Level I and II are typically in dorm settings. Keep in mind that the prisons you see on TV shows are generally Level IV yards. Unless you were sentenced to a lot of time or you had a lot of previous prison experience you will end up on a Level II or III yard.

On the day you leave reception, you will be taken to R&R early in the morning and you'll wait there until your bus comes. You will be stripped to your boxers and given a paper jumpsuit to wear. When you get on the bus, you will be shackled, hands and feet. If you're lucky, the bus ride won't be too long. If you're not so fortunate, your trip may include an overnight stop at another prison. Hope that your trip is a short one. Be sure to follow the one rule the transportation guards insist on: There is no talking while the bus is moving. If you choose to break the rule, there's a good chance you will go to one prison and your property to another.

Finally, money is one thing that will make your prison term tolerable. You can use it to shop at the canteen and purchase quarterly packages from one of the approved package vendors. Here's how the quarterly package program works: Four times a year each inmate can purchase up to 30 pounds of cosmetics, clothing, and food. Each of the approved companies publishes a catalog and also has a website to order from. The best way to get your package is to have someone on the outside order your package online.

The prison will keep a "trust account" for any money you have. If someone sends you a money order, the prison will remove it from the envelope and credit your account. If you were ordered to pay restitution, the prison will deduct 55% from any funds you have and apply it to your restitution balance. The best way to avoid the 55% deduction is to have all of your money sent to you in the county jail. Also, any money you carry with you when you are taken into custody will be put on your books. The prison will not take restitution until you receive a notice that you owe restitution, but if you want to avoid the 55% deduction, get your money in early.

Hopefully this brief guide will help you make the adjustment to prison life. Always keep in mind that those in SNY can expect nothing from anybody. But if you keep your wits about you, keep your case details to yourself, and stay under the radar, you should be okay. Good luck.
*****

As I said, I offer this link here on Not the Life because to wives and mothers may want to pass these safety suggestions on to a loved one in prison. It helps to ease your mind about their safety so you can focus on decisions you will have to make   dealing with all the collateral damage out here.  

They come from a man called REW who posts on Daily Strength Families of Sex Offenders:  

• Here are the links for prison safety. They were not written by me, but they are good.
  
  http://tinyurl.com/qfm64pv
  
  The link below was originally written for inmates---sex offenders---to survive at a Sensitive Needs Yard in California, but the information is still good information and I agree with most of it.
  
  http://tinyurl.com/kfebgzq

Take Care. And Happy New Year.  Janet Mackie

After the Police knock on our door Then Comes the trickiest part of all...Why we must focus first upon our selves upon our children's well being no matter what "they" say..

•  Just from my own perspective: Some husbands are very adept at fooling everyone over a long period of time in order to take advantage of the trust placed in him as husband and father and grandfather. Proof of his "skill" is that he was successful: No one "saw" / realized what was going on. We trusted them. Not only children but wives and family were "groomed" so he could take what he wanted and (he hoped) get away with playing both sides against the middle. . 
• And the effects of being "groomed" not to see whats going on don't immediately stop just because we suddenly see that we and our children were betrayed by a smiling "stranger" we trusted for years.
  For example  Both my father and my husband were "good" at taking sexual advantage too, (grooming us all/ using their power and the love their children had for them to sexually abuse and thereby betray the people who loved them) and consequently they were able to continue their betrayals for years. And although the sexual abuse stopped, people still must live with the results of the harm they did.And he is still very skilled. Maybe even more skilled at manipulating the situations to his favor after dealing with prison, supervision etc...
• Both my father and my (now) ex see themselves as "victims" of their childhoods and of an un-just system and have been successful in getting some family members to take their side and join them in blaming others instead of taking responsibility themselves. They were and still are using their "ability to charm" to take advantage (using people/ children for their own purposes) betraying trust and turning the tables on anyone  who hasn't come around to seeing things their way. (getting their family to blame you. Making children feel guilty for how bad things are for Them now in prison or on supervision.
• 
  
• Anyway, even in jail or on the registry, they are still very skilled at making their victims and everyone else feel guilty instead of stepping up and telling the people (especially their victims /children) that whatever they are going through now, they brought it on themselves.(even though the "justice" system is unjust and we do still love them, we and our children have to come first now, because they already put their own needs first for years and left this mess behind for us to clear away and now some expect us to continue to  focus on them and their needs.
•  
  No they are not monsters, but they are often very, very self-centered. One of the reasons wives and especially children  (who are torn and often still do love them )  need distance, and especially children need to be protected from "seeing and talking to him" except under very regulated conditions is that seeing him in court, in custody etc  his victims feel guilty and blame themselves (instead of the adult who took advantage) 
• 
  
• For children taking on the blame and assuming the guilt for their father's present pain can be corrosive and, in my opinion, just as it takes a lot for wives and mothers to heal, children still need protection/ distance from relatives they trusted but who betrayed that trust.
  I'm not suggesting encouraging them to "turn against"/ hate I'm just saying it's too easy to let a very self-centered man shift blame onto children/ partners/ wives/ mothers, and make us feel we or the child victim/s are to blame for whatever the man is going through as punishment for bad things he did to his own kids (and sometimes even his grandkids.)
• Just because they are singing another (poor me) tune now, just because they are "nice" now, doesn't mean you can trust them not to take every possible advantage, especially of the same vulnerable children they "groomed" before and who still want to love them in spite of what they did for years to betray the trust placed in them as husbands and fathers. 
• 
  
• Just saying. I know that every situation is different, but they really are very skilled and just because they got caught doesn't mean they don't use every skill available to "absolve" themselves from responsibility and shift blame.Or superficially "take the blame" and then expect we will go back to acting as though nothing happened.  The continue to manipulate if for no other reason than they need money on their books, they need visitors, they need their ego massaged by still having people they can control. 
• "Afterwards" is the trickiest part of all.

We are (every one of us) Stronger than we ever Imagined: This post is shared here on Not the Life I Chose from another great public Forum for wives mothes and Families like us: Daily Strength, Families of Sex Offenders from tsmom2012.

3rd anniversary

Posted on 11/11/15, 07:36 pm

It’s hard to believe it has been almost 3 years now that my life changed in the biggest and worst way. My husband was arrested for sexual abuse toward my daughters. My husband and I were married 6 years and together 9 when this happened.
I was in total shock when I learned of what he did from my daughters. At first all I could think of was how could he and I had to protect my girls, so I made the dreadful phone call and turned him in. Then the waiting began. Waiting for the call that he had been picked up by the sheriff’s office and if they were keeping him or not. That call came and they were keeping him as he admitted to things. My world turned upside down.
I had to be there for my girls and help them with everything they were dealing with and I also had to try and get a grip on myself and what I was dealing with and the shock. The first few days were a bit of a blur, not sure how I made it through them but I did. Hardly slept, ate, just sat and thought about things had to deal with my work. Trying to keep things as normal as I could for the girls. They went to school up until it hit the newspaper and then it got real hard for them.
It seemed it was easier for them to deal with everything then it was for me. I was told this is normal as they had time to deal with the actual abuse so this is a bit of a relief to them and this is all new for me to accept and deal with.
If you would of asked me back there I would be today I would definitely not of said anything like where I actually am. I would have thought I would still be in that hurt, angry, scared stage. But no time does heal, it doesn’t go away but it gets easier.
I have always asked and wondered why, why my girls. I never get an answer to that. People tell me everything happens for a reason – well give me one good reason this had to happen to my girls. What good can come from this happening to them?
I hope they have learned things from this as I have. I have learned that I can take care of myself and my girls with NO help from anyone else. I was scared financely when this happened but we have managed, not as well as I would of hoped but we have managed I have been able to keep our home for us as this was one of the things we talked about at the beginning. The night it all came out I asked my girls if they wanted to stay in our home or move and they both said they wanted to stay. I told them I would do everything in my power to keep our home and I have so far thankfully. I have been able to provide not only a home for them but food in our home, pay all the bills, do a few extra things for the kids, but not much. It has been a struggle. I have learned how to fix things myself or get the help of my brother or call a repair person if neither of us can fix it. I take care of my home by myself do all the yard work, plow the snow, shovel the snow, repairs in or on the house, tractors, cars, etc. I am not reliant on anyone other than myself and this is a good feeling. I would never of thought I could do all of this by myself before but here I am doing it.
My husband compliments me on everything I have done since he threw our live together away and made me become independent. He says he is proud of who I have become and how I handle things and how strong I am. Well I am not sure that I am really that strong just determined.
My girls are actually doing quite well, better than I expected them to. I am so proud of both of them. I was so afraid at first that they would let this take them down the wrong path and my oldest I was worried the most about but she seems to have gotten her head back on and heading in the right direction and my youngest is doing really great in school and has plans for when she graduates and I am supporting both of them 100% in what they are now doing with their lives. They will never know how proud I am of them. I just pray that they continue down the right path in life.
I know the one thing that bothers both of my girls, especially my oldest is that I still have contact with my husband. This is a hard thing. I still love him, not the way I once loved him but I do love him. I know what he did was horrible and I do not approve of it. But he is not a total monster that people think he is because of what he did. He seems to be to be remorseful. There are times I wonder if he truly is and I am not sure if that is just me and my insecurity or not.
My husband has a long sentence and I am not sure if he will ever get out of prison as his sentence is life with possible parole after 10 years. It hurts that he got this sentence as there was no actual sexual penetration or acts, it was touching, caressing, I think there had to be more to it than that but everyone tells me there was no sex involved. I am told it was due to their ages when it started that got him the sentence he got.
I still beat myself up at times as I never picked up on anything that would make me think something wrong was going on. My ex-husband even had child services involved a couple times and nothing came out then and I figured it was just my ex trying to cause problems. My kids were not afraid to be around him, they joked, played together. Everything seemed ok to me till that final day.
I think the worst part of this is my one step daughter says her dad supposedly did something to her. She will not talk to me about it so I do not know what happened. She told her sister, her mom, and 2 of her uncles and not one of them did anything. I tried to talk to the mom but she would not respond to me. The other daughter was like hey I watched when I was around to see if I could notice anything going on – well you have to be around more than once in a while was my thought. Plus she should of spoke up – it’s too easy now to make a call to report abuse and not say who you are. Now they all blame me for everything.
His oldest daughter was worried if he abused his granddaughter and I am not sure if he did or not but I would have to say he probably did. She was very young, not old enough to say anything. But there were times he’d go put her to bed when she stayed with us which was very often and he would be in there for a bit with her. I always figured he was just lying there with her till she went to sleep since she was in a strange place – not her own bed.
I am not sure I could ever trust another guy in my life. I have people always telling me I need to find another man. I tell them I am content with the way my life is right now. They are like no you need someone to take care of you, etc. I am like NO I do not. Right now I can do what I want, when I want. I do not have to answer to anyone about anything other than myself. Plus I would not put my daughter in that situation again so until both my girls are out on their own MEN are the furthest thing from my mind. Even then I am not sure if I want another man in my life. As I am still in contact with my husband and I do not know what will become of our relationship and I there for him now and will see what happens down the road.
This has been a long rough journey that I would not wish on anyone.

• This has definitely been a trying time in my life. There is so much more to the story and I could go on and on about different things. Like family, friends, co workers, people you no longer want in your life as they are negative and can not support you and your decision to still be in contact. They do not know how it is until they are put in the same situation. Family trying to constantly cause problems, which is why I do not have contact with his family as they are constant trouble. I live my life for me. People may not approve what I do and that I still have contact with him, well there are things in their lives that I do not approve of but I don't make it to the point of having to give up on a friendship, family relationship due to what they want in their life so why is it ok for them to basically tell me how I should live. Sorry going off on a rant. 

Joining the Sorority: "You Are An Awful Mother": The words we all seem to fear most.

The e-mail sent from a reader of  Not The Life I Chose said simply, "You are an awful Mother."

I guess I'm lucky. It's only the second direct (but probably emotionally honest) "blame" I have received from a reader on this blog written to, for and, in many ways, by the mothers of children abused by the men we as their mothers trusted.  

Many, if not most, of the comments on Not the Life are from "three types of women" sharing about the choices each of us make after we hear the wake up call, after we hear that devastating knock on our door by law enforcement.  Until then we too probably googled to see where all those "other" sex offenders and their families lived didn't we?

So, what about our relationship (yes our love)  with/ for the person whom we used to think of as a soul mate, Do we Stay or Do we go?  Do we believe wife-hood is forever or only motherhood? What is, was, and will be our role going forward?  What about our relationship (yes our love)  with/ for the person whom we used to think of as husband, but who is now referred to by one and all as a "sex offender" with all the punitive and collateral damage that entails in middle class families.

As mothers, and wives, we  tell of our own mind blowing betrayal and how there is no real going back for any of us. Some divorce quickly change our names and run back to  look for a new normal, a safe middle-class life with another man (often strangely like the first). Some of us stick with our husbands, visit him in prison, defend him, even side with him against "the system."  but we soon decide that we must stay silent for fear of prejudice against us.

We are "The awful Mother who let 'it' all happen"

We now dread having our own addresses "googled" And how do we as mother's get over our own secret fear that we are indeed "awful mothers"?  Get over our own pain enough to change "things" for our children going forward?

We must dare to remove the label we were once willing to affix to those "other" mothers because the one who blames us the most, who fears recognizing truth the most is probably ourselves.

We search the internet and join  Not the Life I Chose because each of us feels alone and in pain. We  fear being tarred and feathered with the same brush we once saw used to tar and feather those "Other Mothers"  who, once agreed "must have known."  Mothers we once thought "just let it all happen."

But still we sometimes blame ourselves. Secretly believe  "I must be an  awful mother" So we begin to  honestly examine what we too once believed about our role in marriage, in motherhood. And by examining and sharing what we did and what we failed to do (and perhaps forgiving ourselves along the way )  connecting  the dots we understand there is a generational cycle of shame, blame and sexual abuse perpetuating child sexual abuse in families.93% of child sexual abuse "happens" within families. The majority of "offenders" are not Strangers but fathers and grandfathers.

 Some of us dearly wish we  could simply go back to "Not thinking about 'it'" for the rest of our lives.  Tradition bound,  we want to roll the same loaded dice,  blindly make the next "right" choice and magically possess the Happily Ever After life promised us when we married the first Prince  Charming who betrayed us. . The past is the past. Right? Lightening doesn't strike twice? But it often does.  Un-examined  Sexual Abuse bleeds on down, becomes a generational cycle of sexual abuse unless we learn from the tragedy that "happened" to us .

As mothers, don't we have to somehow find strength to tell the truth to ourselves, to examine the past in order to make a better life for our angry, abused and still grieving children? How do we figure out what we need to know about what went wrong? How do we tell others so they will understand what we learned from bitter experience? How do we recognize real change in ourselves or in our loved ones? How do we know when we are safe and not simply loyal, trusting and setting ourselves up for betrayed, Again

 "You are an awful mother." is what I once said to myself at 3AM. Anger and (self) blame spews out first. Who hasn't at least thought of suicide?  My father told me it was my fault. I "attracted" him therefore I was to blame for my own abuse. And  I believed him. As I grew older I  blamed my mother, vowed I'd be a "better mother" as a wife I would create a "perfect family" Love my children bushels and bushels. And went on to marry a man strangely like my father.

 I, we, are not alone.
 
 Not when 1 in  4 girls and 1 in 6 boys report being abused as children. There are  800,000 + names on the National Sex Offender Registry, There are plenty of "us" out here in the national silence.

I know it is  hard to think about, speak about, blog or write about incest and child sexual abuse as an on-going national problem.  When we remain silent out of fear,  we agree with prejudice that refuses us visibility and freedom to tell about our own experience and openly connect the dots of child sexual abuse up and down generations.

 Did not our own fathers tell us "Don't tell?" and now society tells us to we must keep their commandment. And if we tell? Well we will be "awful" children, "awful"wives, "awful" mothers who must have / or should have known because as "the mother" we all lived right there while generations of sexual abuse rolled down upon us and then upon our children and our children's children and... No wonder our sons and daughters don't understand, Call us Awful Mothers.  

As  for myself, there are things I deeply regret, things I did and things I failed to do. There are things I now realize about my own childhood which rendered me incapable of seeing and speaking out then and for a long time I feared "Telling." and fear it even now.  Maybe all mothers in my situation, wake up at 3AM and go over a secret laundry list of  "If Only's"  Wondering what I knew, what I failed to know, what I perhaps never wanted to know? And If so...

 I believe if we dare begin the conversation, others will join us on Not the Life and gaining courage will speak out elsewhere. If  I am emotionally honest about my own life, if I am willing to hear the pain of other daughters, and speak aloud about the lives of family that went before me, perhaps I, perhaps we each can make an invaluable contribution to stopping  abuse rolling on down harming others as it harmed everyone in my own family.

Finding courage, becoming visible. We need to tell our stories,because Story Matters. If not, why would society and our abuser have threatened and silenced us all?  

 Perhaps in "Telling"  my family's story,  The Sex Offender's Wife, A Daughter's Life, A Mother's Voice, Breaking Silence, Beginning the Conversation. I may enlarge understanding and  lift some of the pain,  Even "Make a Difference" not only in the lives of my grandchildren and their children, but perhaps in the lives of others. That is my hope.

And perhaps in sharing Strength and hope on Not the Life, we will all not only reach out to other Mothers and sons and who are still hurting but will perhaps begin to speak out, to begin the journey to change the cycle of sexual abuse that threatens the next generations of boys and girls alike used and abused, bullied, derided and "treated Like Girls"

Perhaps it's in the  "Telling " that we free ourselves,  And in the "Telling" we finally claim  our adult power to protect the vulnerable. For In the "Telling" we change the trajectory of our lives and the lives of our children and all those other children going forward. .  .

Mothers Finding Courage to speak out and throw light on the collateral damage caused to our families not only by "sex offending" but by a system that's not working to help our children

For me the "knock on my door" first announced my own betrayal several years ago. . (Unless of course you count the times various law enforcement entities knock and (still) come right in, dressed to kill,  intent upon  "supervision."

Anyway, I've  always felt afraid, terrified someone would find out something that would get me fired and would bring disaster or send "someone" back to prison. Until now. My father died and left me a box of photographs, letters and family history. I thought I'd write a bland  memoir about this and that (never thought I'd write about incest running down the generations.)   But I got started and wrote my first draft and sent hard copies out to my son and my two brothers (by then my daughter who was also molested had died of ovarian cancer so I couldn't send her a copy to read (even if her husband had "allowed" her read it.)

The memories and responses I got back from my two brothers and my son  opened my eyes to what the particular struggles men molested as children face all their lives.   It became very obvious that ALL OF US were dealing in one way or another with the after-effects of sexual abuse and we had never even spoken to each other about incest.We were still isolated, alone and ashamed to "tell." And to date there is no broad national discussion that lets us all know we are not alone in dealing with the collateral damage caused by incest. child sexual abuse and our husband's/father's  betrayal.

I searched on line for a "community of wives and mothers" who were going through the same things as mothers, wives and perhaps as children and found Not the Life. I started a blog, Wind harp Tree. My memoir became focused on what really happened / happens to famiies before and after the Knock on the Door that announces our future.

As. Mothers we are tasked with protecting our children and blamed and bullied by society almost as though we had intentionally participated in our child's molest. And I did, I  failed mine, much as my mother failed me and my brothers in spite of both her and my best intentions. "Outsiders"  who have critiqued my drafts have been shocked to think incest is a family problem. They want individual happy survivor stories I guess. Otherwise, "Too much information."

As I looked on line,  the "family" problem  fanned out, morphed into many families  dealing with the fall-our after the knock on the door (my father and my husband molested more than "just us" but their actions came a long time ago. Most of their victims are adults or, like my daughter, died before I started looking into the national problem)  Someone asked me if I thought my father was "gay" as though the words  "Gays" and "pervert were synonymous. Some still believe that   being molested as a child "treated like a girl" (my father's favorite term for "it") causes homosexuality?

Young boys fear that "being treated like a girl" means they can never be "real men."   (Believe me there is enough ignorance, malice and prejudice to go all around this topic that has been silenced and smothered for so long.) I said, "No,  I my father (molested as a child himself) was not homosexual, Instead, I think  my father was a sort of sexual omnivore. Addicted to risky sex of any kind, he got off on tricking/ fooling and betraying other adults while he was taking advantage of their and his own children. And he told tales of mistreatment as a child to justify the harm he himself visited upon helpless children but he felt no empathy for the children he took advantage of, just sorry for himself and the way he was mistreated (and he was mistreated.)

Anyway, It is amazing how little those of us with real experience regarding all sides of this "sex offender" issue (including "offenders" themselves) feel free to tell about what can happen to families when someone chooses to speak out and make their lives visible.  Men especially seem unable to discuss  how hard it has been for them growing up to become trustworthy good men after they were molested as children. And it is a fact that a certain percent of those who were molested as children but received no help, do seem to go on to molest and betray others when they grow up.

As mother's we are so afraid the system  will take away our children and so silenced and afraid of what the neighbors might think, that we don't seem to stop and realize we need to support and even demand  effective care and treatment for all the children who were  abused, all those children we still love and care about even while we too are reeling from the after effects of  betrayal,"the knock on the door " and a punitive disdainful "justice system."

And the other side of that same (silenced/ un-examined) coin, are the Juvenile Sex Offenders some of whom are our own children, our "own" juvenile sex offenders (sons? perhaps, grandsons?) who are adjudicated and thrown into adult prison and placed on the National Registry as though as minors, they too were already hardened sex offenders (Young Hannibal Lectors?) destined to compulsively repeat their crimes.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on, but we as mothers and as the families of sex offenders should not forget we have a unique perspective and when possible for our own safety and the safety of our families we need to "make a difference' Our point of view is necessary and valuable. Throwing 180,000 names on the National Sex Offender registry and meting out punitive punishments and endless supervision is NOT working, not even for "our" adult sex offenders..

Shouldn't we  demanding and supporting programs that help molested little girls  and boys "treated like girls" when they are still youngsters ( those who have "offended" are far too young to throw on the national trash pile and find themselves Raised on the Registry)  Sticking up for our kids and the kids of other mothers maybe we culd begin  healing the next generation and  help to slow down what seems to be our national obsession with imprisoning and cataloging and "supervising" and Googling and throwing rocks at the families of sex offenders.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there.