On the issue of "speaking out" (aka becoming visible) To the degree that each one can do something (no matter what degree of visibility we choose ) we need to do that. Not just fbecause we feel angry and mis-understood but to free ourselves from the pervasive fear we each feel at the idea of being exposed to derision and contempt.
There are very real consequences that result can result from being labeled and googled on the internet etc. Many people have been traumatized by what happened to their lives and their families after the initial law enforcement "knock on the door" ( I would have been fired from my job had my employer known, maybe not for "that" reason but some "reason" would have occurred to them. I used a post office box so my address wouldn't come up in a google search at work etc. I became adept at being friendly but I didn't have friends I really talked to. But then I was well schooled in childhood not to "Tell." family business even if it was family incest )
A lot of us (as wives, mothers, Gf's, friends, family spent our lives in isolation even before "this happened" We never really had any idea what was going on in our own lives even when it had "happened to some of us in childhood, we blanked all that out in order to survive then just like maybe our wn sexually abuse children are "blanking out" now. The point of therapy is to deal whith the "effects now not close over and carry hurt and "balnk out" not be secret survivors) But we didn't know until the rug suddenly got pulled out from under our world, until the 'nice' middle class facade cracked and the Haters (and the self hatred) came rushing in..
Some of us found out that our children had been grievously harmed, some for years, while at the same time we realized we ourselves had been betrayed by a partner we loved and had been loyal to We found we had been lied to, made a fool of, again, sometimes for years on end and OUR children too. . Some of us just got stuck (again?) in all that trauma for years. We crept back into isolation carrying a burden of unresolved anger and hurt and (yes) love.
Being able to read comments on sites like Not the Life, on Daily strength, on Women Against Registry, helps people on every side begin to comprehend that this isn't simply "our" family's problem, It can't be helped by old beliefs and old prejudice run rampant (once a ... always a...isn't true any more than once sexually abused...forever a victim) but how to see and stop the cycle? Hatred, self blame doesn't help, hating our abuser or our "significant other' doesn't help. The Adam Walsh Act, the National Registry solves nothing except to make us all "collateral damage" passage of the International Megan's Law does nothing nothing to stop sex trafficking as it claims) we need to remove silence and prejudice and lust to punish just as much as we need to dispel our own (former) ways of thinking and see the "problems" we face and make informed decisions and we can't do that when we are mired in the same unthinking prejudices and silence which led us to need to find other women on Not the Life I Chose.
We all are coping with a lot of after-effects both of the molest but also of the barriers we face trying to recover individually and as families and our own conter-productive set ways of thinking. The courts, the "justice system" the Registry isn't solving anything. It doesn't protect us or our children and it does not help us find courage to heal in any real way.
It's taken me years to start to understand and heal what was done to me as a child isolated and alone (told Don't Tell, made afraid of 'what they'll think" of me and mine if family business becomes "known") then (still carrying the blindness of self blame) I married a man who seemed nice (strangely familiar?) He fit MY own preconceived pattern of what my place in marriage ought to be and as it turned out he, like my father, was inclined to abuse his power within family to abuse our children and trick and betray me)
But because I never really took time to step back and see any "pattern" because I remained in fear, stuck in silence I never realized there were other's to share with, I never spoke up. Thus the cycle of abuse continued. Because little girls "treated like girls" are taught "their place" while little boy's "treated like girls" are told they are defective in the first place because "they let it happen?" All of us are angry, afraid, never get substantive treatment/ actual help to understand ourselves any more than as a child or grown woman I got help to understand myself, not only in relation to my own specific case but in relation to the larger patterns (widely accepted in our society) that lead to abuse of power. I too never became healthy enough to see that I "choose" differently. That took a paradigm shift I couldn't fathom until I started finding out we are not alone...with 880,000 names on the National sex offender registry, the are certainly a lot of "Us" family members out here But who knew. We all live in separate silos out of fear and shame and blame and....
So what's the point here?
Well I am against the present system, against these draconian punishments meted out to one and all because they only serve to drive us further into isolation and un-knowing and fear. The present solutions (AWA, IML, do next to nothing to restore justice or heal any of us personally involved in the situation. Like they say in AA, "stinking thinking is (obviously) involved in these transgressions, in what we as arents and family members have done and in what we have failed to do)
Adding more "group stinking thinking" more hate speech more prejudice poured like gasoline on the fire of public humiliations does far more harm than the "good" law makers and "helpers" claim is intended. Silence, fear, anger and hate only ensures these problems will fester and continue into the next generations...
And I for one think it's time we spoke out in favor of actual healing, real help, I need to understand what happened and most importantly how we all can contribute to stopping the cycle.
Speaking out, in whatever way we can (that doesn't cause us personally even more collateral damage) strategizng, contributing our thoughts/ comments, our courage and (yes) our $$$ to court cases aimed at help all of us free ourselves from the past, helping us have the freedom from fear necessary to understand just where our continued stinking thinking and fear are leading (if we don't find courage, if we don't dare look honestly clear the past and aim toward a healthier future for ourselves and our families and our society) Finding courage to speak up defend ourselves from the rampant prejudice and societal blame we all fear seems important.
Because standing up for ourselves and others, commenting sharing our stories on Daily Strength, on Women Against the Registry, on Nat'l RSOL on Cure-Sort in what ever way we decide we can helps us grow safely, empowers us to take control of our lives in ways that make us and our families healthier, more resilient and more courageous. And it helps turn the tide, (reach critical mass/swing the pendulum?) back toward restoring justice to the system and toward self mastery and freedom and away from becoming haters, spewing hate speech. Away from allowing our our misery used to used in ways that in the end only promote more harm to us and to our children We need restorative justice strategies inside and outside for our families and for our society and for future generations.
In the end finding courage to do what we can when we can despite fear will help us all to actually protect children and behave in ways that honor the power granted us as parents and in so doing we become the adults who speak out and protect children (and in the process maybe even do some good in turning around a society gone mad with power and hate and lust for "punishment") The continuation of fear and silence and old "Stinking Thinking" only leads to more of the same. And we of all people know we need to begin the conversation and find another way.
