After the Police knock on our door Then Comes the trickiest part of all...Why we must focus first upon our selves upon our children's well being no matter what "they" say..

•  Just from my own perspective: Some husbands are very adept at fooling everyone over a long period of time in order to take advantage of the trust placed in him as husband and father and grandfather. Proof of his "skill" is that he was successful: No one "saw" / realized what was going on. We trusted them. Not only children but wives and family were "groomed" so he could take what he wanted and (he hoped) get away with playing both sides against the middle. . 
• And the effects of being "groomed" not to see whats going on don't immediately stop just because we suddenly see that we and our children were betrayed by a smiling "stranger" we trusted for years.
  For example  Both my father and my husband were "good" at taking sexual advantage too, (grooming us all/ using their power and the love their children had for them to sexually abuse and thereby betray the people who loved them) and consequently they were able to continue their betrayals for years. And although the sexual abuse stopped, people still must live with the results of the harm they did.And he is still very skilled. Maybe even more skilled at manipulating the situations to his favor after dealing with prison, supervision etc...
• Both my father and my (now) ex see themselves as "victims" of their childhoods and of an un-just system and have been successful in getting some family members to take their side and join them in blaming others instead of taking responsibility themselves. They were and still are using their "ability to charm" to take advantage (using people/ children for their own purposes) betraying trust and turning the tables on anyone  who hasn't come around to seeing things their way. (getting their family to blame you. Making children feel guilty for how bad things are for Them now in prison or on supervision.
• 
  
• Anyway, even in jail or on the registry, they are still very skilled at making their victims and everyone else feel guilty instead of stepping up and telling the people (especially their victims /children) that whatever they are going through now, they brought it on themselves.(even though the "justice" system is unjust and we do still love them, we and our children have to come first now, because they already put their own needs first for years and left this mess behind for us to clear away and now some expect us to continue to  focus on them and their needs.
•  
  No they are not monsters, but they are often very, very self-centered. One of the reasons wives and especially children  (who are torn and often still do love them )  need distance, and especially children need to be protected from "seeing and talking to him" except under very regulated conditions is that seeing him in court, in custody etc  his victims feel guilty and blame themselves (instead of the adult who took advantage) 
• 
  
• For children taking on the blame and assuming the guilt for their father's present pain can be corrosive and, in my opinion, just as it takes a lot for wives and mothers to heal, children still need protection/ distance from relatives they trusted but who betrayed that trust.
  I'm not suggesting encouraging them to "turn against"/ hate I'm just saying it's too easy to let a very self-centered man shift blame onto children/ partners/ wives/ mothers, and make us feel we or the child victim/s are to blame for whatever the man is going through as punishment for bad things he did to his own kids (and sometimes even his grandkids.)
• Just because they are singing another (poor me) tune now, just because they are "nice" now, doesn't mean you can trust them not to take every possible advantage, especially of the same vulnerable children they "groomed" before and who still want to love them in spite of what they did for years to betray the trust placed in them as husbands and fathers. 
• 
  
• Just saying. I know that every situation is different, but they really are very skilled and just because they got caught doesn't mean they don't use every skill available to "absolve" themselves from responsibility and shift blame.Or superficially "take the blame" and then expect we will go back to acting as though nothing happened.  The continue to manipulate if for no other reason than they need money on their books, they need visitors, they need their ego massaged by still having people they can control. 
• "Afterwards" is the trickiest part of all.

We are (every one of us) Stronger than we ever Imagined: This post is shared here on Not the Life I Chose from another great public Forum for wives mothes and Families like us: Daily Strength, Families of Sex Offenders from tsmom2012.

3rd anniversary

Posted on 11/11/15, 07:36 pm

It’s hard to believe it has been almost 3 years now that my life changed in the biggest and worst way. My husband was arrested for sexual abuse toward my daughters. My husband and I were married 6 years and together 9 when this happened.
I was in total shock when I learned of what he did from my daughters. At first all I could think of was how could he and I had to protect my girls, so I made the dreadful phone call and turned him in. Then the waiting began. Waiting for the call that he had been picked up by the sheriff’s office and if they were keeping him or not. That call came and they were keeping him as he admitted to things. My world turned upside down.
I had to be there for my girls and help them with everything they were dealing with and I also had to try and get a grip on myself and what I was dealing with and the shock. The first few days were a bit of a blur, not sure how I made it through them but I did. Hardly slept, ate, just sat and thought about things had to deal with my work. Trying to keep things as normal as I could for the girls. They went to school up until it hit the newspaper and then it got real hard for them.
It seemed it was easier for them to deal with everything then it was for me. I was told this is normal as they had time to deal with the actual abuse so this is a bit of a relief to them and this is all new for me to accept and deal with.
If you would of asked me back there I would be today I would definitely not of said anything like where I actually am. I would have thought I would still be in that hurt, angry, scared stage. But no time does heal, it doesn’t go away but it gets easier.
I have always asked and wondered why, why my girls. I never get an answer to that. People tell me everything happens for a reason – well give me one good reason this had to happen to my girls. What good can come from this happening to them?
I hope they have learned things from this as I have. I have learned that I can take care of myself and my girls with NO help from anyone else. I was scared financely when this happened but we have managed, not as well as I would of hoped but we have managed I have been able to keep our home for us as this was one of the things we talked about at the beginning. The night it all came out I asked my girls if they wanted to stay in our home or move and they both said they wanted to stay. I told them I would do everything in my power to keep our home and I have so far thankfully. I have been able to provide not only a home for them but food in our home, pay all the bills, do a few extra things for the kids, but not much. It has been a struggle. I have learned how to fix things myself or get the help of my brother or call a repair person if neither of us can fix it. I take care of my home by myself do all the yard work, plow the snow, shovel the snow, repairs in or on the house, tractors, cars, etc. I am not reliant on anyone other than myself and this is a good feeling. I would never of thought I could do all of this by myself before but here I am doing it.
My husband compliments me on everything I have done since he threw our live together away and made me become independent. He says he is proud of who I have become and how I handle things and how strong I am. Well I am not sure that I am really that strong just determined.
My girls are actually doing quite well, better than I expected them to. I am so proud of both of them. I was so afraid at first that they would let this take them down the wrong path and my oldest I was worried the most about but she seems to have gotten her head back on and heading in the right direction and my youngest is doing really great in school and has plans for when she graduates and I am supporting both of them 100% in what they are now doing with their lives. They will never know how proud I am of them. I just pray that they continue down the right path in life.
I know the one thing that bothers both of my girls, especially my oldest is that I still have contact with my husband. This is a hard thing. I still love him, not the way I once loved him but I do love him. I know what he did was horrible and I do not approve of it. But he is not a total monster that people think he is because of what he did. He seems to be to be remorseful. There are times I wonder if he truly is and I am not sure if that is just me and my insecurity or not.
My husband has a long sentence and I am not sure if he will ever get out of prison as his sentence is life with possible parole after 10 years. It hurts that he got this sentence as there was no actual sexual penetration or acts, it was touching, caressing, I think there had to be more to it than that but everyone tells me there was no sex involved. I am told it was due to their ages when it started that got him the sentence he got.
I still beat myself up at times as I never picked up on anything that would make me think something wrong was going on. My ex-husband even had child services involved a couple times and nothing came out then and I figured it was just my ex trying to cause problems. My kids were not afraid to be around him, they joked, played together. Everything seemed ok to me till that final day.
I think the worst part of this is my one step daughter says her dad supposedly did something to her. She will not talk to me about it so I do not know what happened. She told her sister, her mom, and 2 of her uncles and not one of them did anything. I tried to talk to the mom but she would not respond to me. The other daughter was like hey I watched when I was around to see if I could notice anything going on – well you have to be around more than once in a while was my thought. Plus she should of spoke up – it’s too easy now to make a call to report abuse and not say who you are. Now they all blame me for everything.
His oldest daughter was worried if he abused his granddaughter and I am not sure if he did or not but I would have to say he probably did. She was very young, not old enough to say anything. But there were times he’d go put her to bed when she stayed with us which was very often and he would be in there for a bit with her. I always figured he was just lying there with her till she went to sleep since she was in a strange place – not her own bed.
I am not sure I could ever trust another guy in my life. I have people always telling me I need to find another man. I tell them I am content with the way my life is right now. They are like no you need someone to take care of you, etc. I am like NO I do not. Right now I can do what I want, when I want. I do not have to answer to anyone about anything other than myself. Plus I would not put my daughter in that situation again so until both my girls are out on their own MEN are the furthest thing from my mind. Even then I am not sure if I want another man in my life. As I am still in contact with my husband and I do not know what will become of our relationship and I there for him now and will see what happens down the road.
This has been a long rough journey that I would not wish on anyone.

• This has definitely been a trying time in my life. There is so much more to the story and I could go on and on about different things. Like family, friends, co workers, people you no longer want in your life as they are negative and can not support you and your decision to still be in contact. They do not know how it is until they are put in the same situation. Family trying to constantly cause problems, which is why I do not have contact with his family as they are constant trouble. I live my life for me. People may not approve what I do and that I still have contact with him, well there are things in their lives that I do not approve of but I don't make it to the point of having to give up on a friendship, family relationship due to what they want in their life so why is it ok for them to basically tell me how I should live. Sorry going off on a rant. 

Joining the Sorority: "You Are An Awful Mother": The words we all seem to fear most.

The e-mail sent from a reader of  Not The Life I Chose said simply, "You are an awful Mother."

I guess I'm lucky. It's only the second direct (but probably emotionally honest) "blame" I have received from a reader on this blog written to, for and, in many ways, by the mothers of children abused by the men we as their mothers trusted.  

Many, if not most, of the comments on Not the Life are from "three types of women" sharing about the choices each of us make after we hear the wake up call, after we hear that devastating knock on our door by law enforcement.  Until then we too probably googled to see where all those "other" sex offenders and their families lived didn't we?

So, what about our relationship (yes our love)  with/ for the person whom we used to think of as a soul mate, Do we Stay or Do we go?  Do we believe wife-hood is forever or only motherhood? What is, was, and will be our role going forward?  What about our relationship (yes our love)  with/ for the person whom we used to think of as husband, but who is now referred to by one and all as a "sex offender" with all the punitive and collateral damage that entails in middle class families.

As mothers, and wives, we  tell of our own mind blowing betrayal and how there is no real going back for any of us. Some divorce quickly change our names and run back to  look for a new normal, a safe middle-class life with another man (often strangely like the first). Some of us stick with our husbands, visit him in prison, defend him, even side with him against "the system."  but we soon decide that we must stay silent for fear of prejudice against us.

We are "The awful Mother who let 'it' all happen"

We now dread having our own addresses "googled" And how do we as mother's get over our own secret fear that we are indeed "awful mothers"?  Get over our own pain enough to change "things" for our children going forward?

We must dare to remove the label we were once willing to affix to those "other" mothers because the one who blames us the most, who fears recognizing truth the most is probably ourselves.

We search the internet and join  Not the Life I Chose because each of us feels alone and in pain. We  fear being tarred and feathered with the same brush we once saw used to tar and feather those "Other Mothers"  who, once agreed "must have known."  Mothers we once thought "just let it all happen."

But still we sometimes blame ourselves. Secretly believe  "I must be an  awful mother" So we begin to  honestly examine what we too once believed about our role in marriage, in motherhood. And by examining and sharing what we did and what we failed to do (and perhaps forgiving ourselves along the way )  connecting  the dots we understand there is a generational cycle of shame, blame and sexual abuse perpetuating child sexual abuse in families.93% of child sexual abuse "happens" within families. The majority of "offenders" are not Strangers but fathers and grandfathers.

 Some of us dearly wish we  could simply go back to "Not thinking about 'it'" for the rest of our lives.  Tradition bound,  we want to roll the same loaded dice,  blindly make the next "right" choice and magically possess the Happily Ever After life promised us when we married the first Prince  Charming who betrayed us. . The past is the past. Right? Lightening doesn't strike twice? But it often does.  Un-examined  Sexual Abuse bleeds on down, becomes a generational cycle of sexual abuse unless we learn from the tragedy that "happened" to us .

As mothers, don't we have to somehow find strength to tell the truth to ourselves, to examine the past in order to make a better life for our angry, abused and still grieving children? How do we figure out what we need to know about what went wrong? How do we tell others so they will understand what we learned from bitter experience? How do we recognize real change in ourselves or in our loved ones? How do we know when we are safe and not simply loyal, trusting and setting ourselves up for betrayed, Again

 "You are an awful mother." is what I once said to myself at 3AM. Anger and (self) blame spews out first. Who hasn't at least thought of suicide?  My father told me it was my fault. I "attracted" him therefore I was to blame for my own abuse. And  I believed him. As I grew older I  blamed my mother, vowed I'd be a "better mother" as a wife I would create a "perfect family" Love my children bushels and bushels. And went on to marry a man strangely like my father.

 I, we, are not alone.
 
 Not when 1 in  4 girls and 1 in 6 boys report being abused as children. There are  800,000 + names on the National Sex Offender Registry, There are plenty of "us" out here in the national silence.

I know it is  hard to think about, speak about, blog or write about incest and child sexual abuse as an on-going national problem.  When we remain silent out of fear,  we agree with prejudice that refuses us visibility and freedom to tell about our own experience and openly connect the dots of child sexual abuse up and down generations.

 Did not our own fathers tell us "Don't tell?" and now society tells us to we must keep their commandment. And if we tell? Well we will be "awful" children, "awful"wives, "awful" mothers who must have / or should have known because as "the mother" we all lived right there while generations of sexual abuse rolled down upon us and then upon our children and our children's children and... No wonder our sons and daughters don't understand, Call us Awful Mothers.  

As  for myself, there are things I deeply regret, things I did and things I failed to do. There are things I now realize about my own childhood which rendered me incapable of seeing and speaking out then and for a long time I feared "Telling." and fear it even now.  Maybe all mothers in my situation, wake up at 3AM and go over a secret laundry list of  "If Only's"  Wondering what I knew, what I failed to know, what I perhaps never wanted to know? And If so...

 I believe if we dare begin the conversation, others will join us on Not the Life and gaining courage will speak out elsewhere. If  I am emotionally honest about my own life, if I am willing to hear the pain of other daughters, and speak aloud about the lives of family that went before me, perhaps I, perhaps we each can make an invaluable contribution to stopping  abuse rolling on down harming others as it harmed everyone in my own family.

Finding courage, becoming visible. We need to tell our stories,because Story Matters. If not, why would society and our abuser have threatened and silenced us all?  

 Perhaps in "Telling"  my family's story,  The Sex Offender's Wife, A Daughter's Life, A Mother's Voice, Breaking Silence, Beginning the Conversation. I may enlarge understanding and  lift some of the pain,  Even "Make a Difference" not only in the lives of my grandchildren and their children, but perhaps in the lives of others. That is my hope.

And perhaps in sharing Strength and hope on Not the Life, we will all not only reach out to other Mothers and sons and who are still hurting but will perhaps begin to speak out, to begin the journey to change the cycle of sexual abuse that threatens the next generations of boys and girls alike used and abused, bullied, derided and "treated Like Girls"

Perhaps it's in the  "Telling " that we free ourselves,  And in the "Telling" we finally claim  our adult power to protect the vulnerable. For In the "Telling" we change the trajectory of our lives and the lives of our children and all those other children going forward. .  .

Mothers Finding Courage to speak out and throw light on the collateral damage caused to our families not only by "sex offending" but by a system that's not working to help our children

For me the "knock on my door" first announced my own betrayal several years ago. . (Unless of course you count the times various law enforcement entities knock and (still) come right in, dressed to kill,  intent upon  "supervision."

Anyway, I've  always felt afraid, terrified someone would find out something that would get me fired and would bring disaster or send "someone" back to prison. Until now. My father died and left me a box of photographs, letters and family history. I thought I'd write a bland  memoir about this and that (never thought I'd write about incest running down the generations.)   But I got started and wrote my first draft and sent hard copies out to my son and my two brothers (by then my daughter who was also molested had died of ovarian cancer so I couldn't send her a copy to read (even if her husband had "allowed" her read it.)

The memories and responses I got back from my two brothers and my son  opened my eyes to what the particular struggles men molested as children face all their lives.   It became very obvious that ALL OF US were dealing in one way or another with the after-effects of sexual abuse and we had never even spoken to each other about incest.We were still isolated, alone and ashamed to "tell." And to date there is no broad national discussion that lets us all know we are not alone in dealing with the collateral damage caused by incest. child sexual abuse and our husband's/father's  betrayal.

I searched on line for a "community of wives and mothers" who were going through the same things as mothers, wives and perhaps as children and found Not the Life. I started a blog, Wind harp Tree. My memoir became focused on what really happened / happens to famiies before and after the Knock on the Door that announces our future.

As. Mothers we are tasked with protecting our children and blamed and bullied by society almost as though we had intentionally participated in our child's molest. And I did, I  failed mine, much as my mother failed me and my brothers in spite of both her and my best intentions. "Outsiders"  who have critiqued my drafts have been shocked to think incest is a family problem. They want individual happy survivor stories I guess. Otherwise, "Too much information."

As I looked on line,  the "family" problem  fanned out, morphed into many families  dealing with the fall-our after the knock on the door (my father and my husband molested more than "just us" but their actions came a long time ago. Most of their victims are adults or, like my daughter, died before I started looking into the national problem)  Someone asked me if I thought my father was "gay" as though the words  "Gays" and "pervert were synonymous. Some still believe that   being molested as a child "treated like a girl" (my father's favorite term for "it") causes homosexuality?

Young boys fear that "being treated like a girl" means they can never be "real men."   (Believe me there is enough ignorance, malice and prejudice to go all around this topic that has been silenced and smothered for so long.) I said, "No,  I my father (molested as a child himself) was not homosexual, Instead, I think  my father was a sort of sexual omnivore. Addicted to risky sex of any kind, he got off on tricking/ fooling and betraying other adults while he was taking advantage of their and his own children. And he told tales of mistreatment as a child to justify the harm he himself visited upon helpless children but he felt no empathy for the children he took advantage of, just sorry for himself and the way he was mistreated (and he was mistreated.)

Anyway, It is amazing how little those of us with real experience regarding all sides of this "sex offender" issue (including "offenders" themselves) feel free to tell about what can happen to families when someone chooses to speak out and make their lives visible.  Men especially seem unable to discuss  how hard it has been for them growing up to become trustworthy good men after they were molested as children. And it is a fact that a certain percent of those who were molested as children but received no help, do seem to go on to molest and betray others when they grow up.

As mother's we are so afraid the system  will take away our children and so silenced and afraid of what the neighbors might think, that we don't seem to stop and realize we need to support and even demand  effective care and treatment for all the children who were  abused, all those children we still love and care about even while we too are reeling from the after effects of  betrayal,"the knock on the door " and a punitive disdainful "justice system."

And the other side of that same (silenced/ un-examined) coin, are the Juvenile Sex Offenders some of whom are our own children, our "own" juvenile sex offenders (sons? perhaps, grandsons?) who are adjudicated and thrown into adult prison and placed on the National Registry as though as minors, they too were already hardened sex offenders (Young Hannibal Lectors?) destined to compulsively repeat their crimes.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on, but we as mothers and as the families of sex offenders should not forget we have a unique perspective and when possible for our own safety and the safety of our families we need to "make a difference' Our point of view is necessary and valuable. Throwing 180,000 names on the National Sex Offender registry and meting out punitive punishments and endless supervision is NOT working, not even for "our" adult sex offenders..

Shouldn't we  demanding and supporting programs that help molested little girls  and boys "treated like girls" when they are still youngsters ( those who have "offended" are far too young to throw on the national trash pile and find themselves Raised on the Registry)  Sticking up for our kids and the kids of other mothers maybe we culd begin  healing the next generation and  help to slow down what seems to be our national obsession with imprisoning and cataloging and "supervising" and Googling and throwing rocks at the families of sex offenders.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there.

And By the Way, Yesterday I spoke to one of the "good guys" we all pray are still out there, a womanwho told me yesterday....

I spoke to a woman yesterday she too heard a knock on her door it was a Public Safety Officer come to warn her, a Police Officer who handed the woman a SEX OFFENDER IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FLIER emblazoned with the picture of a young boy (maybe 16) who was adjudicated, sent to adult prison. A young Sex OFFENDER who had just moved in to live with relatives  across the street for the woman I spoke to.

The woman told me she had never met her neighbors but...

She said she took the Sex Offender WARNING flier and went across the street and knocked on her neighbor's door.(which she said was covered with screws and nails and locks and dead bolt key hols) and after knocking a couple of times and waiting while all the bolts were slid back and un-bolted) a woman answered the door. and asked "how can I help you?"

The woman tell me the story said, she asked to see the young man pictured on the flier. After a few moments he came and stood behind his mother (or grandmother or aunt or sister?) in the doorway.

The Woman held up the flier and said to the young man, "I just want to welcome you to the neighbor hood." And the boy answered? The boy said, "Thank you. No one ever said that to me that before"

This story isn't apocryphal. She isn't one of us. She knows of no SO in her family. But she is just one of the good guys we all hope will meet us when we too share our stories, overcome our fears  and become  VISIBLE.

I hope to open a discussion about molested children and about Juvenile Sex Offenders on Wind harp Tree, soon. One of the things this woman told me, almost in passing was that she was shocked at the contrast between the picture on the flier of a young sex offender (before his imprisonment) and the way the boy looked standing behind his mother. She said the boy standing before her in the door way looked afraid and discouraged and a hundred years older, all covered with tattoos and  undoubtedly used and abused and un-healed himself by the system we all deal with (especially because some of us are  also not only the mothers to abused children but to children who have abused and harmed other children in our wom families or in others) Believe me there is enough "HURT" in this "hurt locker" to go all around. And still if we can't some how find a way to heal the hurt done to oueselves, to our children and to "our abusers/offenders" how will we ever manage to take the loks off our own door and welcome others into a community of  survivors who all know our duty is to use power to protect ALL of those made vulnerable among us???

MOTHERS Becoming VISIBLE to EACH OTHER: AFTER THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR: when we are deciding what to do next, Whether to cut and run, who to stick with (and whether and how) When we are beginning to realize that WE too will be swept up in the Collateral Damage of shame and blame and ignorance..

• The important thing, I think, from my own sad experience and from listening to others here on Not The Life I Chose, is not to get on the pitty-pot about "How badly the IN-Justice System is treating us and our children and "Our" sex offender (adjudicated, Registered, guilty innocent or not)  because then we start to think all our present suffering somehow makes the harm done to others OK we have forgotten this this is not tit-for-tat suffering. Every one needs to change and heal and end up better in spite of undergoing this truly horrendous experience . 
• He "hit me first" is not an excuse we would accept from quarreling children and this situation abouve all requires us to be (or become) adults bent on using our power as adults to protect children from future harm and to protect the vulnerable and betrayed among us (including ourselves) 
• Two wrongs don't end up making anybody "Right." No matter how bad we ourselves feel/felt we were hurt as children ourselves, or as adults by the "unfair" the seemingly endless parade of social workers, police, neighbors etc etc that seem to blame us as mothers as much as they blame and shame and pillory "offenders/ fathers/ friendly strangers and  "our" child pornographers), No  matter how unfair all this seems or even  IS,  we ALL have to find some way to get through this, to Recover, to invent the new normal, not just flee back to an old normal and hope it "New" only to find ourselves repeating the toxic patterns we learned about our role in marriage and a woman's "place" in support of our husbands (and sons and ourselves and our own molested children). Just Keeping Silent and Hiding , just trying to hang on to our former place in society (and not fall among "those People" Those families on the Sex Ofgfender registry is herculean and requires we retink our own attitudes and expectations going forward. 
• Just managing to "get through THIS"  might tear us all down even more than "outsiders" ever could,  if we choose to climb onto the pitty pot and feel so sorry for ourselves that we forget to reach out to each other, "our" offender and yes, even to the persons who were harmed and haven't had a fair chance to heal from their own wound either. 
• The Point of NOT THE LIFE I CHOSE is to discover that there are indeed a lot of "US" out here. To discover that although we may all be very different personalities with very different points of view Our only Real hope is to find each other, to start a discussion, to share and join hands and in so doing Lift the BURDEN of SILENCE we all struggle with, lighten the burden by sharing our lives and by RESPECTING  each other no matter what collateral damage we struggle under. 
• Getting stuck on self pity only retards our own growth, our acceotance of our own responsibility to become people who exercise our power as grown-ups to protect children by healing and changing (Post Traumatic Growth is not ony Possible but required of all of us involved in the "situation" after THE KNOCK ON THE DOOR. 
• Any thoughts on the subject? Please share. Please comment. NOT THE LIFE I CHOSE was created by all of us for all of us (for you and me to find community and sanctuary and (perhaps discover and mark some ways forward for all of us ) 

"The In-Between Time" Between the Knock on the Door, the Police, the realization of Betrayal and our "next life" with or without "our" Sex Offender.

I found this discussion on Daily Strength (Families of sex Offenders,under the thread  "The In Between Time"  I just recently "found" this resource because a friend of mine whose husband is on the Sex Offender Registry told me about Daily Strength. I wanted to share it with you. Not because I don't hope that Not the Life I Chose won't continue to feel like your "Home Group" so to speak but because we all need each other every day and in sharing, in Breaking the Silence, Overcoming our Fears, we gather courage to become Visible  once again...(I'd even say finding strength to lift the Burdens of Silence and shame from our shoulders and from the shoulders of other women after the Knock on the door is empowering!) When I find more resources I'll share them also and please share your own thoughts, resources etc with the rest of us here on Not The Life I Chose. Please. 

Any way here is reply #7 from the thread

"The "in between" time

The initial shock in any tragic situation is always the hardest. There are many unfamiliar stumbling blocks, and it makes the grieving process (Yes, it is a grieving process) difficult to move forward with, especially if each time you think you are getting a handle on things, something else is thrown at you. 

• 
  I cannot speak from the aspect of a child going through something like this with a parent. My situation is as a parent grieving the actions of an adult child, but some things are sort of the same.
  
  Going forward you can count on your life being different from what you have known in the past. People will go out of their way to ‘advice’ you on how you ‘should’ handle things. Many will make claims to know what is best for you and your son. So called friends may turn their backs on you, and you will be judged by proxy. (Associaton)
  
  On the other hand, you may have different experiences. Go with what feels right for you. If you don’t want to talk about it…..don’t. Make decisions in a manner that will make the process easier for you and your son to handle. Don’t let well meaning people push you into doing something that doesn’t feel right to you.
  
  I believe one things most of us going through this type of situation have in common is that we have had to grow a pretty thick skin to protect ourselves from the petty gossip that arises, and have had to be willing to accept changes as they come in order to keep our heads above water. You do what you have to do for yourself and your son.
  
  Keeping busy is a key factor. You will need to distract your mind or you will go nuts thinking about things. I myself probably have the cleanest house in 3 states. Movement and physical activity helps me. I reveal close to the bone events openly to only one person, as most of the people I used to call friends and family are not around by their choice or mine.
  
  The limbo phase is truly the hardest. Hang in there, eventually things will start to smooth out some. Come back and let us know how you are. We do care. "

I second the motion. Please do come back and let us know how you are. We do care here on Not the Life I Chose, also.