"First, Be Good to Yourself" is wise advice especially when surviving "the police knock on the door"...Especially when Forgiving "him" is probably the last thing you had in mind! (from the Greater Good Science news letter/ website)

How Mindfulness Can Help Us Forgive Betrayal

By Kirra Dickinson  

According to a new study, mindful people are more likely to overcome the emotional turmoil and pain of infidelity.

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Is it possible to forgive infidelity and to overcome the emotional pain of betrayal?

It is, suggests a new study published in the journal Mindfulness—if you can feel some compassion for yourself.

The study—the first to examine the relationship between mindfulness and forgiveness of infidelity—surveyed 94 adults who had been cheated on by a partner. They reported on their levels of forgiveness, which involves feeling in control of their emotions, having a balanced view of the relationship (rather than vilifying their partner as wholly evil), and being ready to let go of anger and put the affair behind them. They also reported on their levels of unforgiveness—a separate measure that involves withdrawing from their partner, experiencing emotional upheaval, and desiring revenge.

By this definition, forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, to reduce our suffering; it doesn’t mean we condone the affair or even reconcile with the offender. In fact, over half of the participants in the study were no longer in a relationship with the cheating partner.

Ultimately, the study’s findings suggest that people who are more mindful tend to be more forgiving and less unforgiving—for certain aspects of mindfulness. In this study, mindfulness was broken down into five separate abilities:

• Observing your experience: your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and perceptions.
• Being able to describe that experience.
• Acting with awareness—deliberately and thoughtfully, rather than on autopilot.
• Being nonjudgmental of your experience.
• Being nonreactive to your experience, able to withhold immediate reactions (like lashing out).

Partners who had a greater ability to act with awareness—to be deliberate and thoughtful—were less likely to be stuck in a state of resentment. It was also important to withhold immediate reactions and to be nonjudgmental of yourself. In these ways, mindful victims of infidelity seemed to avoid getting consumed by negative emotions.

These results held even when controlling for factors that are known to influence forgiveness, including how severe the betrayal was, whether the partner was remorseful, and whether the victim was prone to empathy or anger.


So if mindfulness goes along with forgiveness, what might be the mechanism behind this link?

According to the researchers, self-compassion may play a significant role. Mindfulness is one of thethree aspects of self-compassion, which involves being kind to ourselves and feeling connected to others in the face of painful experiences. Those who practice self-compassion may ruminate less, experience less resentment, and exhibit higher emotional resilience. Although this study didn’t measure self-compassion, it’s possible that self-compassion was the path away from unforgiveness for these participants.

“Individuals higher in [self-compassion skills] may be willing to accept the turmoil and discomfort they are feeling without overidentification with these states and feel compassion for themselves going through this experience,” the researchers explain.

More on Resolution

Learn how to survive betrayal.

Discover how mindfulness makes romantic conflict less stressful.

How forgiving are you? Take the quiz.

So how might we cultivate mindfulness when faced with infidelity? Here are several tips to keep in mind when attempting to forgive:

• Allow yourself to feel any negative emotions that come up. Instead of fighting them, simply observe and sit with them. Understand that your negative emotions are not primarily coming from the event itself, but from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset that you are experiencing now.
• Alleviate your physical symptoms by practicing stress management to soothe your body’s fight-or-flight response. Consider taking a deep breath, or taking a walk.
• Make the decision to forgive, not only toward your partner, but importantly for yourself (if you feel this is relevant).
• View the situation from a different perspective and, slowly and in time, practice compassion towards your partner. Keep in mind that they could have been acting out from a similar place of pain and suffering. See him or her as vulnerable and human.

(These tips are adapted from two longer forgiveness practice, Nine Steps to Forgiveness and Eight Essentials When Forgiving.)

Ultimately, this study unearths some of the complexities surrounding how we view and manage our negative emotions. If mindfulness truly can help us cope with the great emotional pain of infidelity, it must be a powerful skill, indeed.

We tell ourselves and say to all the other anonymous women just like us, "We will get through this.We will."

Someday. We will even stop reliving that day, will stop hearing the police knock at our door. The barked orders. Stop remembering the day he called from the jail.  Even our  nightmares of that terrifying time will fade. Our kids will stop asking, where is he? There will be entire mornings when we will forget we were ever betrayed.

We will become brave and dare speak our secrets, We will find comfort in hearing the stories told by the wives of other sex offenders. How they got through it. Are managing to get through "it."  And we will suddenly know that we too are women who will also get through this. But maybe we are still women who for now also sign ourselves Anonymous when we tell our stories, when we like they also still sign our comments, Anonymous.

With 750,000 names on the National Sex Offender Registry there have got to be lots of us hiding somewhere. Reaching out in the dark. Finding each other amid the chaos of our lives.. Even a state like Nevada has 19000 sex offenders. The presence of so many Offenders server as  markers attesting to the existence of thousands of anonymous women and children...each holding tight to the self same secrets..lives torn apart but lately being pieced back together. Rising again from the ravages left in our lives by sexual obsessions  acted out upon the lives of our children.

The after effects  of  pornography, child sexual abuse, pedophilia, even rape. Each offense far more than it's mere legal definition. And all the women betrayed?  Where should they find us? Perhaps standing isolated and anonymous, unknown but next to each other in some long line or other?   In a check out line at the grocery store? Perhaps clutching or food stamps? In line looking for work? Registering the sex offender's children for school? Looking for a day care provider we can trust when we no longer trust anyone? Trying to keep a broken family together, deciding whether to stay or go, but if so where? Anonymously we come and go. Pass one another. Unknowing. Unless we see someone familiar standing, waiting once more in visiting.  As we are.

Perhaps we chose to Google our own address and find other families of other offenders living somehow close by. Curious, we might drive by.Take a look.  Only to see another anonymous woman, Alone, with a face much like our own, looking as though betrayal had made secret sisters of us all. Our sister standing there on her anonymous doorstep,

Just another women who secretly signs herself Anonymous late at night when her kids are finally put to bed. On the internet where she too is free to seek the kindness of other Anonymous women like hersllf somehow betrayed by their own once trusted sex offender..

We might see  a woman much like us, now isolated by secrets, up into the night searching for internet sites looking to find internet places where we may gather to hear each others stories, feel each others anger, staunch each others pain until some night each of us realizes its our pain falling down out of every story, our tears on the keyboard. And we realize we are no alone. ,

And at that moment we know that we will get through this in the company of so many.

Just women reaching out to each other. Late at night.Joining hands with each other because we understand ...

The Sex Offender we never knew we lived with until we hear the "knock on the door" Life After "our sex offender" is (fairly or unfairly) found guilty of child sexual abuse, sentenced to prison and then 25 years on the National Sex Offender Registry after that:

Back on the home front  we are in Shock.  Confusion and Disbelief Reigns! At home we are already experiencing the collateral damage since our address is being googled, our family members are hysterical and we are left to find and pick up what ever pieces we still think are worth saving. 

We are Pushed from all sides to take Sides. NOW. But what about us? Our relationship with this guy we thought we knew, the guy we had sex with? the guy we were pregnant by? (or planning to have children and live happily ever after...forever with?) Just the mice guy we trusted with our life and our children's lives and NOW realize spent a lot of time grooming and fooling us. AND we believed him!

NOW WHAT?  WELL...Sometimes it helps to take a deep breath and divide our  "situation" into 3 columns:

#1 What if this was not child sexual abuse  but "just" some (sort of ordinary?)  betrayal of trust maybe like adultery for instance (even if he met her on the internet? even if he was warned ahead of time  that the "woman" he was about to have sex with was 13 years old but he says he went to meet her anyway and maybe did stuff  (because he thought she/ the adult woman police officer?) was joking when they warned him before hand that she was only 13 and he went "anyway."

What if the you believe he thought she was an adult, that  woman he met (on the internet) and went and did "stuff" with, well  that might "only" have been adultery so...  (IF he had been committing regular adultery) this would probably be a private matter, not so much publicity, not a prison sentence, not a googling his/ your/ name and address on the Registry for 25 years after he get out of some very scary prison where the other guards and the prisoners join in pillorying child molesters? (and scare the life out of you and him with threats of what will happen?) 

What would be your response if this were ONLY ADULTERY??  Maybe try working through that with (or without) a therapist first. It might give you some basic perspective on how happy your "relationship" was even before the police knocked on your door. Was it worth saving? How much effort did he put into  grooming and lying to YOU as his wife/ GF/ significant other? If this was always a shaky relationship built on your not knowing/ turning a blind eye/ believing a wife should forgive and soldier on, Do you still believe no matter what a husband does in a committed/ religious relationship that it does not give a wife the "right" to stop being a loyal/good/ faithful partner. Do you believe you must try your best to help him come back to being the "good" husband and if that fails you must still soldier on as best you can. Do you have a right to unilaterally break the contract if he still holds out "hope" he will change? 

Think about it, If this were "just" adultery what would that say about your relationship and what would your "obligation" be to yourself? to your children? to him? Think about it please. Because we will support you whatever decision you might makes. We have been there, done that, and searched the internet for other women who didn't choose this "life" either but may (or may not) chose this life going forward.

Just saying....
  

After the Knock on the Door: Some of us visit someone in prison or jail (especially if your "offender" is your son or grandson or a husband who takes responsibility for what he's done, or if you have children who still need to resolve issues with the person who took advantage of them)

Even deciding to keep in touch is complicated. Many "offenders" face long sentences and the shock of visiting can be almost as great as the chaos we experience after the initial arrest. 

I wrote the post below to comfort and encourage a woman whose son is in jail awaiting sentencing and who is trying desperately to keep her connection with her son alive because in spite of everything she loves him.

*********

I don't know how old you are or how much other family you have to help you through this but as I get older, I'm not thrilled at the inevitabilitys I'm facing as I age. I for one, can't think of much worse than to outlive everyone I care about and end up alone among strangers when I am old and can't fend for myself.  

I don't know what kind of sentence your son faces but he sees the old guys on the yard and the graying couple/ mothers in visiting and it's like looking fate in the face. 

Your son faces the prospect of (perhaps) quite a long time in prison and the loss of not only a lot of his productive years but perhaps the loss of his mother who, it sounds like is his life line during this time. 

If he calls you a couple of times a day from jail he needs to hear your voice and know you are still alive as much as you sound like you need to hear his voice and know he's still alive and relatively safe. So what if you sit in silence during visits? Just try to make it's a companionable silence when you visit. As long as you can hug him and see his face? What you say to each other doesn't matter nearly as much as that you don't take all this hurt and anger and betrayal out on each other and make a bad situation worse. Don't cut each other off. There is a lot to work through and it takes time to let go of negative emotions that have power to corrode life long after the initial harm has been done.

There is a verse in Job that matters to me: "There is this of a tree, if it be cut down the tender branch there of shall rise again." Stop focusing on loss. Talk to your son about how both of you will (eventually) find ways to rise again. There are useful things he can find to do inside. That verse applies to us all. 

For now, maybe ask him what music he wants to hear and see if you can play a few minutes of a favorite song for him next time he calls you. Tell him you are in for the long haul. Tell him you aren't goi ng away any time soon.    Tell him what they/ we too are going through  too not as a way to guilt him but as a way to include him as you and your family grow past the huts.  Read comments or comment on sites like this or on sites like Daily Strength Families of sex Offenders  and discuss how we/ they handle what they're going through in visiting and on the outside. Ask his opinion. Tell him what others say about their situations how they handle this and other stuff that comes up because we are you and he are all in this together now.  

See what he thinks about what you read. About what others go through and how they handle things.  Ask him how he thinks you (both) could handle this, or ask him if he has a suggestion to offer someone about how they might handle something they are going through and post his ideas and tell him what the response was. 

Include him in this life.

Grow a better, more honest life between the two of you so you will have a better more honest life in the future with all the people you love and who love you. If you decide to make the attempt to grow past this make him part of it as he grows. He needs you and you need him and we all need each other. And if there are children involved they already have too much to deal with. They don't need more secrets, more unresolved guilt.  We all need people who understand the joys and sorrows of this life after the Knock on the door.  Listen and then do something to make your life and his ( and your children's lives) better. 

I suggest you find a way to let go of your anger and be glad you can still hear the sound of his voice. Be glad you can visit often. Even if you visit so often that you sometimes run out of things to say to each other. Decide to be glad you are both alive. Decide to make the most of the time you have together and apart. 

Do things on purpose. Take care of yourself. Get up and go read all the funny greeting cards on the wrack at the grocery store. Send him the funniest card. Write I love you inside the card. Then go get your hair cut. Some people search the internet not only other women like us so they will know they are not so alone in making hard decisions but they look for jokes and funny jokes/ pictures to print off and send in (cheaper than a card)  Shop the thrift stores and find something "new" in a pretty color.  Watch a comedy and if that doesn't cheer you up watch another one! 

Make a list of what makes you feel better and actually get up and do it and then you'll have something to talk about.

Get on with constructing your new life. Include him if you decide it best for you not to cut him off.  A woman recently posted on Not the Life who said after two years she has decided to participate in therapy with her husband. She doesn't know if she'll ever be able to trust him again, but sometimes it's worth finding the answer to that question because all of us need / have to make the same decision, if not with him, at least down the road with someone else....

Take Care, Janet Mackie.

Living in fear of "What will people think" now that our world has imploded

On the issue of "speaking out"  (aka becoming visible)  To the degree that each one can do something (no matter what degree of visibility we choose ) we need to do that.   Not just fbecause we feel angry and mis-understood but to free ourselves from the pervasive fear we each feel at the idea of being exposed to derision and contempt.

There are very real  consequences that result can result from being labeled and googled on the internet etc.  Many people have been traumatized by what happened to their lives and their families after  the initial law enforcement "knock on the door" ( I would have been fired from my job had my employer known, maybe not for "that" reason but some "reason" would have occurred to them. I used a post office box so my address wouldn't come up in a google search at work etc. I became adept at being friendly but I didn't have friends I really talked to. But then I was well schooled in childhood not to "Tell." family business even if it was family incest )

A lot of us (as wives,  mothers, Gf's, friends, family spent our lives in isolation even before "this happened" We never really had any idea what was going on in our own lives even when it had "happened to some of us in childhood, we blanked all that out in order to survive then just like maybe our wn sexually abuse children are "blanking out" now. The point of therapy is to deal whith the "effects now not close over and carry hurt and "balnk out" not be secret survivors) But we didn't know until  the rug suddenly got pulled out from under our world, until  the 'nice' middle class facade cracked and the Haters (and the self hatred) came rushing in..

Some of us found out that our children had been grievously harmed, some for years, while at the same time we realized we ourselves had been betrayed by a partner we loved and had been loyal to We found we had been  lied to, made a fool of,  again,  sometimes for years on end and OUR children too. . Some of us just got stuck (again?) in all that trauma for years. We crept back into isolation carrying a burden of unresolved anger and hurt and (yes) love.

Being able to read comments on sites like Not the Life, on Daily strength, on Women Against Registry,  helps people on every side begin to comprehend that this isn't simply "our" family's problem, It can't be helped by old beliefs and old prejudice run rampant (once a ... always a...isn't true  any more than once sexually abused...forever a victim)  but how to see and stop the cycle?  Hatred, self blame doesn't help, hating our abuser or our "significant other' doesn't help. The Adam Walsh Act, the National Registry solves nothing except to make us all "collateral damage"  passage of  the International Megan's Law does nothing nothing to stop sex trafficking as it claims)  we need to remove silence and prejudice and lust to punish just as much as we need to dispel our own (former) ways of thinking and see the "problems" we face and make informed decisions and we can't do that when we are mired in the same unthinking prejudices and silence which led us to need to find other women on Not the Life I Chose.

We all are coping with a lot of after-effects both of the molest but also of the barriers we face trying to recover individually and as families and our own conter-productive set ways of thinking. The courts, the "justice system" the Registry isn't solving anything. It doesn't protect us or our children and it does not help us find courage to heal in any real way.

It's taken me years to start to understand and heal what was done to me as a child isolated and alone (told Don't Tell, made afraid of  'what they'll think" of me and mine if family business becomes "known") then (still carrying the blindness of self blame) I married a man who seemed nice (strangely familiar?) He fit MY own preconceived pattern  of what my place in marriage ought to be and as it turned out he, like my father, was inclined to abuse his power within family to abuse our children and trick and betray me)

But because I never really took time to  step back and see any "pattern" because I remained in fear, stuck in silence I never realized  there were other's to share with, I never spoke up. Thus the cycle of abuse continued. Because little girls "treated like girls" are taught "their place" while little boy's "treated like girls" are told they are defective in the first place because "they let it happen?" All of us  are angry, afraid, never get substantive treatment/ actual help to understand ourselves any more than as a child or grown woman I got help to understand myself, not only in relation to my own specific case but in relation to the larger patterns (widely accepted in our society) that lead to abuse of power.  I too never became healthy enough to see that I "choose" differently. That took a paradigm shift I couldn't fathom until I started finding out we are not alone...with 880,000 names on the National sex offender registry, the are certainly a lot of "Us" family members out here But who knew. We all live in separate silos out of fear and shame and blame and....

So what's the point here?

Well I am against the present system, against these draconian punishments meted out to one and all because they only serve to drive us further into isolation and un-knowing and fear.  The present solutions (AWA, IML,  do  next to  nothing to restore justice or heal any of us personally involved in the situation.  Like they say in AA, "stinking thinking is (obviously) involved in these transgressions, in what we as arents and family members have done and in what we have failed to do)

Adding more "group stinking thinking" more hate speech more prejudice poured like gasoline on the fire of public humiliations does far more harm than the "good" law makers and "helpers"  claim is intended.  Silence, fear, anger and hate  only ensures these problems will fester and continue into the next generations...

And I for one think it's time we spoke out in favor of  actual healing, real help, I need to understand what happened and most importantly how we all can contribute to stopping the cycle.

Speaking out, in whatever way we can (that doesn't cause us personally even more collateral damage) strategizng, contributing our thoughts/ comments, our courage and (yes) our $$$ to court cases aimed at help all of us free ourselves from the past,  helping us have the freedom from fear necessary to understand just where our continued stinking thinking and fear are leading (if we don't find courage, if we don't dare look honestly clear the past and aim toward a healthier future for ourselves and our families and our society) Finding courage to speak up defend ourselves from the rampant prejudice and societal blame we all fear seems important.

Because standing up for ourselves and others, commenting sharing our stories on Daily Strength, on Women Against the Registry, on Nat'l RSOL on Cure-Sort in what ever way we decide we can helps us grow  safely,   empowers us to take control of our lives in ways that make us and our families healthier, more resilient and more courageous. And it helps turn the tide, (reach critical mass/swing the pendulum?) back toward restoring justice to the system and toward self mastery and freedom and away from becoming haters, spewing hate speech. Away from allowing our our misery used to used in ways that in the end only promote more harm to us and to our children  We need restorative   justice strategies inside and outside for our families and for our society and for future generations.

In the  end finding courage to do what we can when we can despite fear will help us all to actually protect children and behave in ways that honor the power granted us as parents and in so doing we become the  adults who speak out and protect children (and in the process maybe even do some good in turning around a society gone mad with power and hate and lust for "punishment") The continuation of fear and silence and old "Stinking Thinking" only leads to more of the same. And we of all people know we need to begin the conversation and find another way.

FYI: For women/ wives/ mothers hoping to keep in touch with a loved one (a husband, a BF, a son or grandson) sent to prison ("After the Knock on the door") SNY's ( Sentisive Needs Yards) Exist to help SO's and Juveniles sentenced as sex offenders

I offer this link from Daily Strength Families of sex Offenders to wives and mothers on Not the Life because you may want to pass these safety suggestions on to a loved one in prison. It helps to ease your mind about their safety so you can focus on decisions you will have to make   dealing with all the collateral damage out here.  

 Survival in a California Sensitive Needs Yard: Advice from the Inside  (please note, this information is from California but is good survival information for anyone in any prison or jail in the US) the information is from http://prisontalk.com/forums/ a valuable resource some of you may want to go to depending upon the decisions you make "After the knock at the door" 

The California Department of Corrections (CDC) has set aside a number of prison yards designated as Sensitive Needs Yards(SNY) to accommodate ex-gang members, sex offenders, and others in need of protective custody. The SNY program differs from the mainline in a number of ways. First, guys who have "P/C'ed Up", or gone SNY, are considered "no good" on the mainline yards. Once someone has been in protective custody, either in the state prison system or in their county jail, they cannot safely return to the mainline. Second, nearly all of the "politics" do not exist on the SNY yards. By politics, I'm talking about the racial segregation, the prison gangs, and the checking of paperwork. Keep in mind, however, that there is still a hierarchy among the inmates based on their controlling cases (the charges that brought a guy to prison). Third, the SNY inmates are considered the lowest of the low in the prison system. That includes the inmates, some guards, and some of the brass on the yard. To put it succinctly, as an SNY inmate, you have nothing coming, so don't expect it.

You can, however, survive SNY if you play your cards right. Follow these basic guidelines and you should be okay.

• Be friendly to everyone, but friends with no one. You are likely to meet very few people in prison you will want to be friends with outside of prison. Always be courteous, share when you can, and do not make jokes with casual acquaintances. You never know when someone is going to misinterpret what you say and cause you a lot of grief. Remember: It is easier to not say it than to say it and hope they aren't offended by it.

• Do not tell ANYONE why you are in SNY. Sex offenders are considered the lowest of all the inmates on any yard. A known sex offender will have trouble with some inmates in the form of refusing to cell up with them, being intimidated or harassed, having their property stolen, etc. There is little access to information in prison, so if you do not tell anyone why you are SNY, they will never know. They may suspect, but they won't know.

• If you are a sex offender, develop a cover story. Eventually the subject of why you are here will come up. If you tell the truth, you're in trouble. If you refuse to talk about it, people will make assumptions. You will need two parts for your cover story: an "acceptable" controlling case (the crime you were convicted of), and a reason you are in SNY. To fabricate a controlling case you need to familiarize yourself with the penal code. You will need to know what your crime is called, its P/C code, the possible terms you could have been sentenced to, and whether it falls under the control of the 3 strikes 85% law. Good candidates for controlling cases are theft, drug offenses, drunk driving, and other property crimes. If you've never done drugs, you're not going to be able to pull off a drug offense, so don't try. Drunk drivers don't go to prison on their first conviction, so be prepared to fabricate other DUIs. Also, be sure to research what the experience is like for offenders in your county. The last thing you want to do is be caught ignorant of how the system works.

Reasons you are SNY are tricky as well. If you have gang affiliations, it's easy. If you have gang tattoos, it's easy to say you dropped out. But if you are a clean-cut white guy with no ink and no priors, you've got to be a little creative. You need to fabricate some circumstance that would put you in danger with inmates in the county jail, but be acceptable in the prison system. Any offense involving a child is a good reason to P/C up, but prison inmates don't like guys who hurt children. (It's okay to sell drugs to a child's parents, or kill the parent of a child, but a crime involving a child directly is another thing.) If you can add just the right elements to your story to get the COUNTY to put you in protective custody, you're in good shape because once you've been on the P/C side you can't go to the mainline because you're "no good." 

Here is a possible cover story. I haven't researched all of the aspects that you should before using this story, so do your homework. If you have just a little time to do, around 3 years, try this: You had been drinking, didn't think you were drunk, hit a parked car and left the scene because you were driving on a suspended license. Your niece was in the car, so when the police finally caught you, they charged you with DUI, felony hit and run, and child endangerment. Because of the last charge, the county put you in the P/C tank and now you can't go mainline. It's plausible and safe. Rehearse the story so you can provide enough details to make it believable .

• Respect others. In prison, the word "respect" is thrown around all the time. To prison inmates, any form of courtesy is called respect. If an inmate feels disrespected, he will resolve the issue one way or another. The least desirable way is to fight, but it's a fairly common occurrence. Things you can do that will be seen as respectful include: courtesy flushing the toilet, washing your hands after using the toilet, not spitting your toothpaste in the sink (use the toilet), saying "excuse me" any time you walk in between people, staying out of others' space, speaking in a quiet voice, cleaning up after yourself, not waking people up, and not saying things you think are funny at someone else's expense. If you try to be as neutral, polite and inoffensive as possible, you will probably be seen as respectful.

• Stay away from drama. Most of the drama on the SNY yard revolves around drugs and homosexuals. Guys sell their medications and on occasion some controlled substances get smuggled in. Avoid them. The quickest and easiest way to get hurt is to run up a debt for something you really don't need, like drugs. There are also some homosexuals on the yard who are looking to pair up with someone. It's usually not for love; it's more for sex and money. Guys tend to be protective and the gay guys tend to look for ways to get attention, so steer clear.

• Don't borrow. Prison is a tough place to live if you don't have any of the allowed niceties. However, trouble is right around the corner if you owe somebody something. Convicts have some twisted ideas about how things should work, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that something bad might happen if you find yourself in debt. A good rule of thumb is if you can't pay cash for it, you don't need it.

If you heed these warnings you should be able to fly under the radar for the length of your term. Keep in mind that on an SNY yard, up to 90% of the guys are doing time for a sex offence. They won't admit it, and they will divert attention from themselves by pointing fingers at others. But the bottom line is that guys who have gone SNY want to go home. Be respectful, don't call attention to yourself, and don't be a jackass and you will most likely be OK. Remember, there is only one person you can totally trust to keep you safe --you.

Along with the above tips, there are a few basic things you need to know about the prison system. The following is the most basic information you will need to know. One of the amazing things about inmates is that even though many have been through the system many times, they don't know how things really work. They tend to rely on their own experiences and what other inmates have told them. The following information is reliable.

Reception--After your conviction you will be remanded to the county jail. Within a few weeks you will be transported to a state prison near you that has a reception facility. Reception is a kind of purgatory where all prisoners go to await endorsement to a state prison for permanent housing. Your stay in reception is supposed to last from 30 to 120 days, but nothing is guaranteed.

While you are in reception, you will be screened medically and psychologically. When they have found a place for you at a permanent facility you will be bused to your new prison. In the meantime, you will be in reception, living in the relatively bizarre reception program. In reception you will be housed in a two-man cell with another inmate who could be there for anything from a parole violation to a double murder. Since you don't know who you will be paired up with, you should really practice showing "respect."

The reception program is much more restrictive than the regular program. You will be locked in your cell all day except for breakfast and dinner and a couple of hours on the yard two days a week. You are allowed a shower every other day. Other than those times you are locked up. If you are not a reader, this will be a great opportunity to learn to like it. Also, writing letters is a great way to kill time and really helps to keep you sane. Encourage your friends and family to send you writing packets consisting of paper, envelopes, pens, and stamps. In reception, stamps are like money. You can buy food and other necessities with stamps, but keep in mind that they are not worth face value. A stamped envelope will get you a bag of chips, or a two-pack of cookies, a piece of fruit, or maybe even a "shot of coffee." The more stamps you have, the better.

After what seems like an eternity, you will be called to see your counselor. At that meeting, he will tell you how many "points" you have, what custody level you are, and which prisons you are recommended for. The recommendations are just that, recommendations. There is no guarantee that you will go to either place.

The prison yard you are sent to is determined by the number of points you have. There are 4 levels of custody with level IV being the most restrictive and level I being the least. The point cutoffs are: level IV--52+, Level III--28-51, Level II--19-27, and Level I--0-19. A sex offender points cannot drop below 19, due to the "mandatory minimum" score that is imposed. To calculate your points, multiply your sentence years by 2. Add to that the appropriate amount of points for your age at first arrest: 17 years or under = 12, 18 to 21 = 10, 22 to 29 = 8, 30 to 35 = 4, and 36+ = 0. Then add the appropriate amount of points for your age at reception: 16 to 20 years old = 8, 21 to 26 = 6, 27 to 35 = 4, and 36+ = 0. You also get 1 point if you were previously sentenced to 31+ days in the county jail. There are other factors, such as gang affiliation that earn you more points, but we'll ignore those for brevity's sake.

Level IV inmates are housed in two-man cells as are Level III. Level I and II are typically in dorm settings. Keep in mind that the prisons you see on TV shows are generally Level IV yards. Unless you were sentenced to a lot of time or you had a lot of previous prison experience you will end up on a Level II or III yard.

On the day you leave reception, you will be taken to R&R early in the morning and you'll wait there until your bus comes. You will be stripped to your boxers and given a paper jumpsuit to wear. When you get on the bus, you will be shackled, hands and feet. If you're lucky, the bus ride won't be too long. If you're not so fortunate, your trip may include an overnight stop at another prison. Hope that your trip is a short one. Be sure to follow the one rule the transportation guards insist on: There is no talking while the bus is moving. If you choose to break the rule, there's a good chance you will go to one prison and your property to another.

Finally, money is one thing that will make your prison term tolerable. You can use it to shop at the canteen and purchase quarterly packages from one of the approved package vendors. Here's how the quarterly package program works: Four times a year each inmate can purchase up to 30 pounds of cosmetics, clothing, and food. Each of the approved companies publishes a catalog and also has a website to order from. The best way to get your package is to have someone on the outside order your package online.

The prison will keep a "trust account" for any money you have. If someone sends you a money order, the prison will remove it from the envelope and credit your account. If you were ordered to pay restitution, the prison will deduct 55% from any funds you have and apply it to your restitution balance. The best way to avoid the 55% deduction is to have all of your money sent to you in the county jail. Also, any money you carry with you when you are taken into custody will be put on your books. The prison will not take restitution until you receive a notice that you owe restitution, but if you want to avoid the 55% deduction, get your money in early.

Hopefully this brief guide will help you make the adjustment to prison life. Always keep in mind that those in SNY can expect nothing from anybody. But if you keep your wits about you, keep your case details to yourself, and stay under the radar, you should be okay. Good luck.
*****

As I said, I offer this link here on Not the Life because to wives and mothers may want to pass these safety suggestions on to a loved one in prison. It helps to ease your mind about their safety so you can focus on decisions you will have to make   dealing with all the collateral damage out here.  

They come from a man called REW who posts on Daily Strength Families of Sex Offenders:  

• Here are the links for prison safety. They were not written by me, but they are good.
  
  http://tinyurl.com/qfm64pv
  
  The link below was originally written for inmates---sex offenders---to survive at a Sensitive Needs Yard in California, but the information is still good information and I agree with most of it.
  
  http://tinyurl.com/kfebgzq

Take Care. And Happy New Year.  Janet Mackie

After the Police knock on our door Then Comes the trickiest part of all...Why we must focus first upon our selves upon our children's well being no matter what "they" say..

•  Just from my own perspective: Some husbands are very adept at fooling everyone over a long period of time in order to take advantage of the trust placed in him as husband and father and grandfather. Proof of his "skill" is that he was successful: No one "saw" / realized what was going on. We trusted them. Not only children but wives and family were "groomed" so he could take what he wanted and (he hoped) get away with playing both sides against the middle. . 
• And the effects of being "groomed" not to see whats going on don't immediately stop just because we suddenly see that we and our children were betrayed by a smiling "stranger" we trusted for years.
  For example  Both my father and my husband were "good" at taking sexual advantage too, (grooming us all/ using their power and the love their children had for them to sexually abuse and thereby betray the people who loved them) and consequently they were able to continue their betrayals for years. And although the sexual abuse stopped, people still must live with the results of the harm they did.And he is still very skilled. Maybe even more skilled at manipulating the situations to his favor after dealing with prison, supervision etc...
• Both my father and my (now) ex see themselves as "victims" of their childhoods and of an un-just system and have been successful in getting some family members to take their side and join them in blaming others instead of taking responsibility themselves. They were and still are using their "ability to charm" to take advantage (using people/ children for their own purposes) betraying trust and turning the tables on anyone  who hasn't come around to seeing things their way. (getting their family to blame you. Making children feel guilty for how bad things are for Them now in prison or on supervision.
• 
  
• Anyway, even in jail or on the registry, they are still very skilled at making their victims and everyone else feel guilty instead of stepping up and telling the people (especially their victims /children) that whatever they are going through now, they brought it on themselves.(even though the "justice" system is unjust and we do still love them, we and our children have to come first now, because they already put their own needs first for years and left this mess behind for us to clear away and now some expect us to continue to  focus on them and their needs.
•  
  No they are not monsters, but they are often very, very self-centered. One of the reasons wives and especially children  (who are torn and often still do love them )  need distance, and especially children need to be protected from "seeing and talking to him" except under very regulated conditions is that seeing him in court, in custody etc  his victims feel guilty and blame themselves (instead of the adult who took advantage) 
• 
  
• For children taking on the blame and assuming the guilt for their father's present pain can be corrosive and, in my opinion, just as it takes a lot for wives and mothers to heal, children still need protection/ distance from relatives they trusted but who betrayed that trust.
  I'm not suggesting encouraging them to "turn against"/ hate I'm just saying it's too easy to let a very self-centered man shift blame onto children/ partners/ wives/ mothers, and make us feel we or the child victim/s are to blame for whatever the man is going through as punishment for bad things he did to his own kids (and sometimes even his grandkids.)
• Just because they are singing another (poor me) tune now, just because they are "nice" now, doesn't mean you can trust them not to take every possible advantage, especially of the same vulnerable children they "groomed" before and who still want to love them in spite of what they did for years to betray the trust placed in them as husbands and fathers. 
• 
  
• Just saying. I know that every situation is different, but they really are very skilled and just because they got caught doesn't mean they don't use every skill available to "absolve" themselves from responsibility and shift blame.Or superficially "take the blame" and then expect we will go back to acting as though nothing happened.  The continue to manipulate if for no other reason than they need money on their books, they need visitors, they need their ego massaged by still having people they can control. 
• "Afterwards" is the trickiest part of all.