The Game Changes Again

Change. How many sayings are there about change being inevitable? Change is the only thing you can really count on in life. The only person who likes change is a baby with a dirty diaper (that was one of Jake's sayings, sigh). I think there are a few songs about change, too. 

I like to step back from myself and try to look at the big picture. It's really impossible because everything I look at is tainted with my woes and wishes. But still, I try to be objective every once in a while. What I see from my mountaintop view is that I'm not that unusual. First, there are many other people wrapped up in the pain of my own situation. Stepping back again, though, there are many women in this world who are married to sex offenders. But go back one more big step and I see that everyone has pain in their lives - duh. Is there a person on earth who has made it through life without one big painful, family splitting, finance ruining, heart breaking drama? At this point, I actually start to wonder why I'm so shocked at my own circumstance.

I mean, I could have never guessed that the source of my pain would be a sex offending, sex addicted husband, but, hey, it had to be something. Sometimes, I role through my mind all the other terrible situations the Universe could have handed me. Frankly, I'm thankful that I'm not dealing with sickness or death (even though some days I have wished him dead). Strangely enough, after my exercise in objectivity, I always come to the conclusion that I am actually well-suited for this particular painful experience. It stops my whining and crying and helps me breathe.

In calm moments, I start developing new ways to frame my life perspective. Ironically, this last week I was playing with a new goal: embrace change. This week, I think that motto is a little insane, like embracing a feral skunk. But if I could figure it out, maybe I would live my life more peacefully no matter what the Universe throws at me.

And then the screw turns again. Jake's arrest has me suffering, although not nearly as badly as last year. I still intend to tell you all about last year, but right now I'm supposed to be getting ready for church. It's funny, I've been praying more in the last two days, but I really don't feel like going to church. People will ask, "How are you doing?" without knowing what has happened and I will answer, "Not so hot. How are you?" I don't mean to be rude, but I don't do fake smiles and I definitely don't lie.