Meet the PO, aka "The Hammer"

Today was full of drama. I am highly opposed to drama, mostly because I don't handle it well. When drama strikes, I get all shaky as I try to hold back the flood gates against the emotional reaction coming down. I almost always fail and then I pity the person who is there to watch me explode or cry myself into a puddle.

Anyhow, you remember the things I packed up a while back? I had delivered the boxes to the PO and hadn't heard any more. I wanted some kind of report about their whereabouts . . . Okay, okay, I really wanted to know what had happened. Was there a scene when the PO went through those things with Jake? Did it all go straight into an incinerator?

So I called his PO this morning. He said, "Yeah, I gave all those boxes to him."

"Wh- Wha- What? You gave them to him? He took ALL of those boxes?" That was not what was supposed to happen. I was starting to get shaky.

"Yes, he took all the boxes." He must have thought I sounded like a total loon.

"You didn't go through them with him?"

"No." He seemed to have a blunt sort of nature.

"But . . . But . . . There were sexual items in there that I don't think he is supposed to have. His treatment provider gave me the impression that you would go through that with him."

"No, that's not my responsibility."

"But he's not supposed to have those things, is he?" The pitch of my voice was getting higher as panic set in.

"No, and if I catch him with it I will arrest him."

I believe I squeaked with fear at this point, apologized for bothering him, and got off the phone. Then I burst into sobs. I really had thought that I was unloading all of Jake's crap in the "appropriate" way, but after talking to the PO I felt like I had truly made a mess. I tried to call the TP because she was the one who instructed me to send those boxes through the PO, but she was busy on another line. So then I called my own therapist. She calmed me a little.

I tried to continue with my day as normal, but I was totally freaked out. My imagination started running "worst possible scenarios" for me. My favorite imagined scene was of the PO sending the sheriff over to arrest Jake. I kept thinking to myself, What an idiot you are! First you send illegal things to Jake and then you tell his PO! Are you trying to get him arrested???  The rational part of my brain was trying to break through these self-destructive, everything-that-goes-wrong-must-be-my-fault kind of thoughts, but it failed miserably.

I called Big Rev. I really am not supposed to use Big Rev and Kay as messengers, but I didn't know what else to do (because I just HAD to solve this problem, you know?).

I said, "Did Jake bring home boxes?"

"Yes, I saw him carry some boxes in."

"Okay, there are three boxes that he should not have and they need to go straight to the dumpster." There was a strange silence, like maybe he was covering the phone. I asked, "Do you understand?"

He said, "Yes . . . what?" I could hear someone in the background - most likely Jake. Ugh, this was exactly what we were supposed to be avoiding. "He said he cut the boxes open, saw what was inside, and taped them up again."

"Okay. Is he going to get rid of them?"

"The problem will be resolved." He said that in a very final tone, so I said good bye.

Not an hour later, I got to worrying about that deputy sheriff that was on his way to arrest Jake (the imagined one). I thought that I needed to make sure that Big Rev understood the urgency. I called him back and asked if everything was okay. That was my code for "Tell me you disposed of the boxes." Instead of understanding my code, he just said, "Things are fine!"

So I asked straight-out if he had disposed of the boxes. He said it was being taken care of. Then I apologized and tried to explain while also trying to avoid the details of the story. I just made more and more of a mess with everything I said. At one point, I said that I was really upset with how things had worked out.

Big Rev said, "Then why did you send the boxes over?"

I started crying again because I DIDN'T SEND THE BOXES OVER! I tried to explain it to him, in an attempt to justify myself maybe, but just couldn't make sense of the situation.

Later, I got a hold of the TP. I explained everything that had happened. She neither seemed surprised or apologetic, although she did say that most POs would have gone through the items. "This PO must be different." No kidding.

I said to her, "I would have gotten rid of the boxes myself if I knew this would happen. For his PO to give him things that he could be arrested for feels like a set-up for failure! I don't want him to fail and I definitely don't want him arrested!"

She did make the effort to reassure me that the PO wouldn't bother sending a troop of officers to arrest Jake today. (It's like she read me mind!) And she told me that Jake had called her to report the boxes and ask what to do about them.

"That was good," she said, "but I wonder if he didn't do that after you called. Maybe he wasn't going to get rid of them until his dad and you told him to." I hope she's not right, but she might be.

"He needs to learn how to do the responsible thing," she continued. "He keeps blaming others for his mistakes. Is he going to come to our appointment this week and blame you for the content of those boxes?"

"I feel like it's my fault," I said.

"It's not your fault that he had those things to begin with. He knew he couldn't have those things around after he was arrested. He had plenty of opportunities to remove those from the house. This is not your fault."

At the end of our conversation, I said, "His PO kind of scared me. He was so gruff and robotic."

She said, "He has to be a hammer, so maybe that's how he does it."

This has been a long, hard day. I am sorry that I bought into the drama so easily. Really, looking back, I was the drama. At one point, I was even tempted to drive over to Big Rev's and take the boxes myself. I'm glad I didn't do that. But still, I feel like the system is much more designed to punish and trap, rather than aid in rehabilitation. I know Jake is a criminal, but he is also someone I care about. I want him to get better, not get trapped. Am I wrong to feel this way?