Packing Very Personal Items

This past week, I packed more of Jake's things. I did most of it while my mother and children were not around. These were the things that I didn't want anyone else to see: sex toys, books, lube, games, etc. It has been weird having these things in the house since we had kids. I guess it's not totally abnormal to have a few condoms, a vibrator, a book of love massage. But I'm guessing that Jake had more than is normal. Some of the things he bought for me as gifts. I thought that was a typical man-thinking to buy lingerie and handcuffs when I had asked for the DVD of Pride&Prejudice.
As I threw these things in boxes - three moderately large boxes - I felt a little guilty. In an act that was not like me at all, I had asked his TP what to do with all his sex toys (normally, I would be too embarrassed to mention these things). She said to deliver them to his probation officer and he would decide what to do with them. I'm pretty sure a lot of it will be thrown away. My guilt comes from the monetary value that some of these things hold, from the fact that some were gifts to me, and from the embarrassment I will cause Jake when his probation officer goes through them.

And then I remembered that these things represent money that could have been spent on more worthwhile parts of our life. They represent gifts that HE wanted me to want, not actually what I wanted. And they remind me of all the embarrassment he's created for me in this community as he pursued other women right under my nose.

The PO's office is over an hour's drive from where I live, but I was able to hand off the boxes to his assistant who works part of the time in another office closer to me. It was incredibly strange to hand off these boxes full of very personal items to this complete stranger. She packed them in her trunk with a smile and said, "Thank you!"

I find myself simmering in discomfort thinking about the scene in which the PO will open the boxes and start determining the fate of the contents. Time for a comforting cup of tea.