Water Heater Drama

I never knew a water heater could spark so much drama. Well, mine died a week and a half ago. My mother was visiting, so she volunteered to call a plumber while I was at work (after a very cold shower). The plumber discovered that the water heater had some serious problems, including the possibility that it had become a fire hazard. Basically, it was time for a new water heater.

I have been avoiding talking to Jake, but I felt the need to let him know about the water heater. I consider this house to be HIS house and, thus, HIS water heater and HIS cost to replace it. I thought it was a simple enough message that I could just tell his dad.

I called Big Rev and started to explain the issues that the water heater was having, including black smoke coming out the exhaust pipe. I told him that I had a plumber look at it. He said, "I wish you hadn't called a plumber because I can tell you how to fix it."

"Oh really," I said, "how's that?"

"Well, go down to the basement."

"Uh-huh." I wasn't moving.

"Now climb up on the counter beside the water heater."

"Uh-huh."

"Unplug it from the battery back-up, wait a few seconds, then plug it back in."

"Are you kidding?! I just told you that BLACK SMOKE is coming out the exhaust and you want me to just unplug and replug it?!"

We exchanged a few more angry sentences and then he hung up on me. That did me in. I felt like Big Rev was representative of Jake, which meant that I was alone with the water heater problems. I was ready to move out on the spot! Unfortunately, it just couldn't be done in a day. After a frenzy of stamping my feet and cussing loudly, I ended up crumpled on the floor sobbing with my mom hugging me.

A little while later, Jake called and I answered it. He was calm and - dare I say it - comforting. This was the man I fell in love with. The man who solves my problems. The man who is on my side. He listened to my water heater problems and agreed to buy a new one without my asking. The conversation naturally moved to other things: his court date that I didn't attend, his treatment that he feels is not helping, and our relationship.

He acknowledged that I have a lot of reasons to be mad at him, but he wants to resolve our problems and move forward. I felt like such an ass while he was saying these things. He doesn't know that I'm planning on divorcing him. He's concocting dreams of our future and I'm planning my escape. I tried to gently tell him that I don't know if we'll have a future together. He suggested I come over and spend time with him so that we can know if we're "still compatible". I told him that we are as compatible as we've always been, but that didn't change the situation he's in, the damage he's done, and his inability to be a father.

He took a lot of offense to that part about being a father. I told him that, from what I could gather, he was likely to go to prison for at least a few years. He cut me off to say that he thinks he could just get probation. We bickered about the reality of that for a few minutes and then the conversation went on with him trying to explain how things can get better, if I can just give him that chance . . .

I had previously made up my mind not to tell him about the divorce until I file. Jake has never been hostile in my presence, but he's been deceptive so many times now that I feel I can't even trust my own belief in his apparent non-violent demeanor. So I have been mum about the divorce out of fear that he would react in a dangerous way. As we talked on the phone, I softened up to him. I never lost my determination to divorce him, but I started feeling bad that I was keeping it a secret. I started imagining the day that he would receive notice and how heartbroken he would be. I had to really struggle during the conversation to keep from blurting out, "I'M LEAVING!"

Somehow, I managed to hold it in, but I allowed myself to repeat what I've told him before, "I don't know how long I can stay here. I can't afford the mortgage and this isn't good for the kids. I might have to leave." We were both crying.

Anyhow, it ended with him asking me to call him again some time. "Sure," I said. I really meant it, too.

I immediately called my therapist because I felt deeply disturbed about the whole conversation - mostly because of how much he could soften me up with just a few kind words. She listened kindly and then asked me if I had read his psycho sexual evaluation. She asks me that every time I talk to her. For the longest time I had the excuse that no one had given me a copy. So she gave me a copy. Really, I didn't want to read it. I felt like I had already accepted that he is sexually disturbed and a likely danger to his own children, so why did i need to read the details behind those facts? Well, this time when she asked I felt moved to actually do it. I sat down and read about all the ways he is a sexual deviant.

The report was nauseating and sad. A few things stuck out to me. First, he is attracted to every age and gender. They have a special device to measure that, you know, but I don't really feel like getting into that.That part actually didn't disturb me as much as the next part about how he doesn't have proper empathy for others when it comes to sex. Basically, he is not able to distinguish if a person is desiring sex or not. This is dangerous enough when you're dealing with adults, but he could possibly misinterpret a child's innocent affection as a sexual advance. I thought about how he used to sit with Elise on the sofa and watch T.V. Did he make any misinterpretations then? Luckily, the next part of the evaluation summarized the polygraph in which he was found to be truthful in denying any sexual contact with his own kids. Thank God. The most painful part of the report was reading the statements of Jake and of the victim. The victim's statement was so damning. I expected that Jake would downplay his bad behavior - and he did. I was equally expecting that she would exaggerate it. But everything she said rang true. He came on to her and said inappropriate things to her. Everything she described had him down to the letter. I had previously believed that he had just got caught up in the moment with her, but now I know for sure that he was actively pursuing her. He was planning it and following through . . . and he was enjoying it. As if he was living out his favorite wet dream.

But wait, there's more! He told the evaluator that he had an affair when he was 33. That would be the second year of our marriage, about the time Elise was one year old. If I needed something to solidify my resolve in divorcing him, that would do it! Sure, I knew he had gone to massage parlors and had internet sex with strangers, but he wouldn't have called any of those affairs. And I think I know who it was with, which makes it doubly hideous, but that's another long blog post for a different day . . .

As I reached the end of the report, I was absolutely sure that this marriage was over and that our kids needed to be removed from this situation. There was just one thing that made me sorry about this decision. It was a line in the evaluation summary: "Periodically sad, empty, and lonely, he is likely to have deep frustrated yearnings for social acceptance." That is the kind of thing that makes me want to stay and give him the love he obviously needs because he will never have that social acceptance.

But every bit of energy I spend taking care of Jake (who can't return that love and care properly) weakens me and lowers the chances that our kids will have a healthy childhood. Our kids need me - and deserve me - more than he does.

The water heater, the phone conversation, and the psycho sexual evaluation left me emotionally drained. I spent a good portion of that afternoon unable to function, holding on to a cup of tea, and just shivering. Thank goodness my mother was there. When I resurfaced from my emo-coma, we made plans to get away for the weekend and get away for good. It's going to take a few months, but the plans are solidifying and I am looking forward to it.

Meet the PO, aka "The Hammer"

Today was full of drama. I am highly opposed to drama, mostly because I don't handle it well. When drama strikes, I get all shaky as I try to hold back the flood gates against the emotional reaction coming down. I almost always fail and then I pity the person who is there to watch me explode or cry myself into a puddle.

Anyhow, you remember the things I packed up a while back? I had delivered the boxes to the PO and hadn't heard any more. I wanted some kind of report about their whereabouts . . . Okay, okay, I really wanted to know what had happened. Was there a scene when the PO went through those things with Jake? Did it all go straight into an incinerator?

So I called his PO this morning. He said, "Yeah, I gave all those boxes to him."

"Wh- Wha- What? You gave them to him? He took ALL of those boxes?" That was not what was supposed to happen. I was starting to get shaky.

"Yes, he took all the boxes." He must have thought I sounded like a total loon.

"You didn't go through them with him?"

"No." He seemed to have a blunt sort of nature.

"But . . . But . . . There were sexual items in there that I don't think he is supposed to have. His treatment provider gave me the impression that you would go through that with him."

"No, that's not my responsibility."

"But he's not supposed to have those things, is he?" The pitch of my voice was getting higher as panic set in.

"No, and if I catch him with it I will arrest him."

I believe I squeaked with fear at this point, apologized for bothering him, and got off the phone. Then I burst into sobs. I really had thought that I was unloading all of Jake's crap in the "appropriate" way, but after talking to the PO I felt like I had truly made a mess. I tried to call the TP because she was the one who instructed me to send those boxes through the PO, but she was busy on another line. So then I called my own therapist. She calmed me a little.

I tried to continue with my day as normal, but I was totally freaked out. My imagination started running "worst possible scenarios" for me. My favorite imagined scene was of the PO sending the sheriff over to arrest Jake. I kept thinking to myself, What an idiot you are! First you send illegal things to Jake and then you tell his PO! Are you trying to get him arrested???  The rational part of my brain was trying to break through these self-destructive, everything-that-goes-wrong-must-be-my-fault kind of thoughts, but it failed miserably.

I called Big Rev. I really am not supposed to use Big Rev and Kay as messengers, but I didn't know what else to do (because I just HAD to solve this problem, you know?).

I said, "Did Jake bring home boxes?"

"Yes, I saw him carry some boxes in."

"Okay, there are three boxes that he should not have and they need to go straight to the dumpster." There was a strange silence, like maybe he was covering the phone. I asked, "Do you understand?"

He said, "Yes . . . what?" I could hear someone in the background - most likely Jake. Ugh, this was exactly what we were supposed to be avoiding. "He said he cut the boxes open, saw what was inside, and taped them up again."

"Okay. Is he going to get rid of them?"

"The problem will be resolved." He said that in a very final tone, so I said good bye.

Not an hour later, I got to worrying about that deputy sheriff that was on his way to arrest Jake (the imagined one). I thought that I needed to make sure that Big Rev understood the urgency. I called him back and asked if everything was okay. That was my code for "Tell me you disposed of the boxes." Instead of understanding my code, he just said, "Things are fine!"

So I asked straight-out if he had disposed of the boxes. He said it was being taken care of. Then I apologized and tried to explain while also trying to avoid the details of the story. I just made more and more of a mess with everything I said. At one point, I said that I was really upset with how things had worked out.

Big Rev said, "Then why did you send the boxes over?"

I started crying again because I DIDN'T SEND THE BOXES OVER! I tried to explain it to him, in an attempt to justify myself maybe, but just couldn't make sense of the situation.

Later, I got a hold of the TP. I explained everything that had happened. She neither seemed surprised or apologetic, although she did say that most POs would have gone through the items. "This PO must be different." No kidding.

I said to her, "I would have gotten rid of the boxes myself if I knew this would happen. For his PO to give him things that he could be arrested for feels like a set-up for failure! I don't want him to fail and I definitely don't want him arrested!"

She did make the effort to reassure me that the PO wouldn't bother sending a troop of officers to arrest Jake today. (It's like she read me mind!) And she told me that Jake had called her to report the boxes and ask what to do about them.

"That was good," she said, "but I wonder if he didn't do that after you called. Maybe he wasn't going to get rid of them until his dad and you told him to." I hope she's not right, but she might be.

"He needs to learn how to do the responsible thing," she continued. "He keeps blaming others for his mistakes. Is he going to come to our appointment this week and blame you for the content of those boxes?"

"I feel like it's my fault," I said.

"It's not your fault that he had those things to begin with. He knew he couldn't have those things around after he was arrested. He had plenty of opportunities to remove those from the house. This is not your fault."

At the end of our conversation, I said, "His PO kind of scared me. He was so gruff and robotic."

She said, "He has to be a hammer, so maybe that's how he does it."

This has been a long, hard day. I am sorry that I bought into the drama so easily. Really, looking back, I was the drama. At one point, I was even tempted to drive over to Big Rev's and take the boxes myself. I'm glad I didn't do that. But still, I feel like the system is much more designed to punish and trap, rather than aid in rehabilitation. I know Jake is a criminal, but he is also someone I care about. I want him to get better, not get trapped. Am I wrong to feel this way?

I'm Not Ready

The joint therapy session went well. Big Rev and I clarified a few things, set some communication boundaries, etc.

My biggest concern before going to the therapist was that Big Rev kept trying to "help" Jake and I with our marriage issues (i.e. the issue that he was unfaithful). When he tried to help by explaining or arguing something with me, it was misguided and always left me feeling more wounded. I think he understands now. I don't think it will happen any more.

I had an unexpected realization. I was explaining to Big Rev for the umpteenth time that I didn't want to communicate with Jake at all until he completes his sexual history polygraph when he said, "He's finished it."

I almost fell off my seat. There was a panic rising inside of me. I suddenly realized that I AM NOT READY. I asked, "He's passed the polygraph?"

Then Big Rev explained that Jake has finished the paperwork and they've created the questions for the polygrapher to ask him, but he can't actually take the polygraph until March, at the earliest, due to scheduling problems. I actually breathed a sigh of relief!

I restricted Jake's communication with me right before Christmas because I had just learned about his infidelity. I had spent a year of my life advocating for him in court, believing in my mind that his crime was an isolated incident; that he was essentially a good, trustworthy person. Then I found out that he had spent the majority of our marriage looking for sex from other people. I was suddenly one of his victims. I realized that if I let things keep going the way they were, I would just suffer constantly from truth that was slowly seeping out of him. I needed a break, so I cut ties.

Just a week ago, I sent Jake a letter using my therapist and his TP as the messagers. This was part of the message:

"I am so deeply offended by your infidelity and so worried about your true character that I don't want to talk directly to you right now about anything. I am not doing this to hurt you, but to protect my own sanity and the healthy development of our kids. I will reconsider talking with you if you can pass your sexual history polygraph. Please work hard on it and be honest.
I will expect you to share your sexual history with me in full. I am certain that it will offend and hurt me all over again. You may have to wait even longer for me to process the information and emotions before I will start a talking with you again. But it is very important for me to know the truth.
Please work hard. I will wait for a while, but not forever."

He is doing what I asked by completing his sexual history. He is being proactive and I'm glad. But I'm also glad that he can't complete the polygraph for a while, too. I need more time to process and heal. I'm not ready to start the pain all over again.

Being on my own feels good right now, too. I haven't made decisions without Jake's input for so long. I'm enjoying the independence. I like doing things my way and I think I deserve it. It feels like the fog is clearing in my head and I can stand a little straighter. My life is terribly complicated, and yet everything seem simpler as long as he isn't a factor.

Hold Your Head Up

So I have a few minutes before I head out to see my therapist and I'm contemplating myself, which is what you do before you go tell a therapist all about your life.

Something Big Rev said about my mother-in-law has me thinking. He thinks she refuses to go to church because she feels like other people are looking down their noses at her. I don't think they are, but that is a perfectly natural way to feel, right?

Another wife of a sex offender has mentioned in her blog that she feels discriminated against because of her husband's past crimes (for which he's completed his sentence for). A scary, yet believable idea.

I worry about the future. If I allow Jake back into our lives in any form, that will be hard for other people to understand. I worry that other kids will someday tell my daughters that their daddy is a pervert. What will I do when the local newspaper prints his mug shot on the front page once a year?

Well, I've learned to set aside some of those concerns. I drink lots of Yogi Stress Relief tea. I practice compartmentalizing all my anxieties. It's been a tough road, but I've learned a lot of good things about myself.
 I can hold my head high because I know I'm a good person who speaks honestly and attempts to make the world a better place.

I believe others see your true character despite the situations, if you let them. They'll never see it if you hide away. So I hope all the other people who are caught in this type of situation will assess themselves honestly and then step out into the public view and trust that others will see their true nature. Don't be paranoid, just be you.

And maybe lean on someone, like a therapist, until you feel confidant again.

Big Rev

My father-in-law is a good man. He is a former reverend, so let's just call him Big Rev.

This whole business with Jake has hurt him so badly. I think he spent the first three months after Jake's arrest just trying not to cry every second of every day. Then he learned that a farm hand had molested almost all of his children, including Jake, and it started the suffering all over again. Big Rev is the one who hired that farm hand. He wishes every day that he could go back and change that.

He paid for Jake to have one of the best lawyers in our state to defend him. I think the lawyer was worth her cost, but I don't know how Big Rev afforded it. He paid for most of my lawyer's costs, too (she helped me handle Social Services who pestered me throughout 2011). He has offered to pay for many other things - sometimes I let him and sometimes I don't.

I feel like he's trying to use money to make up for all of Jake's wrongdoings. I've tried to explain to him that he isn't the one who needs to pay penance and that money will not solve our problems (at least, not the important ones).

He says, "I know, but I just want to help."

It's hard to see a fatherly figure feeling so much pain, so I try to be gentle with him. But lately he's been driving me crazy. Since I've restricted Jake from communicating with me, Big Rev seems to think that he has to advocate for Jake in my presence. I've tried to explain to him where I stand. I try to be firm and yet not take my anger out on Big Rev.

There were two instances in which I snapped at him. First, Big Rev told me that he spent half of a day helping Jake "reseach" (whatever that means) to prove that he didn't sleep with a certain woman while we were married. The insanity of it just blew my mind. First, I know that there have been many women, so why does this particular woman matter. The second thing is that it is completely unhealthy and unfair to be dragging Big Rev into the middle of this. The third thing is that participating in that "research" is just enabling my husband's delusions. I chided Big Rev for encouraging such nonsense.

The second time, Big Rev warned me not to give the authorities certain information. Again - insanity. My reaction started with, "What authority would be asking me for that?" It was stuff that I believe they already know anyhow. Then my reaction moved to, "Why should I be protecting the man who has ruined my life?" It was a bad moment. My temper flared up and I lashed out. Big Rev hung his head shamefully while I gave him such a glare and shook my head. Then I walked out, leaving my poor mother-in-law looking a little pained. Even as I left, I could hear Big Rev saying, "He could go to prison for a long time . . ."

I don't want Jake to go to prison, but I'm determined not to let my moral character get dragged down by this. Truly, if the local police were to ask me for my knowledge on certain topics, I would probably ask to speak to my lawyer first. I don't want to feed the fire. Luckily, I don't think there is a fire to feed. I'll explain more about this another time.

To wrap up this long story, I convinced my father-in-law to come with me to see my therapist. I told him that I want to get us on the same page. And I do. I also want to set some boundaries so that he stops aggravating my open wounds.

My mother asked, "Is your therapist going to act as a mediator?"

I said, "Let's hope we don't need a mediator, but just in case . . ."

Strong Boundaries

Today I got a sort of pep talk from Jake's treatment provider about keeping strong boundaries. It left me less than peppy, but I think it was appropriate.

Before I tell more, let me explain the TP's role (please pardon the abbreviation that also stands for toilet paper). Jake is in treatment as part of his probation. It has a special name that I can't remember off the top of my head - something like Sex Offender Specific . . . oh, I'll look it up later. It is a little like therapy, but maybe more akin to boot camp for the sexually disturbed brain. His TP oversees his therapy. She meets with him one-on-one to discuss his particular issues and to guide him through the rigorous requirements of the treatment, including weekly disclosures of his sexual life (this includes his actions, thoughts, and fantasies), monthly polygraphs to ensure that he is not breaking probation, and preparation for a one-time sexual history disclosure and polygraph. The sex history polygraph is a HUGE hurdle because it contains everything sexual a person has ever done, legal and illegal, and he will never gain any privileges, like visitation, until he passes it. I am also setting that as the first goal he needs to reach before I will consider communicating with him again. The TP also leads a weekly group session of sexual offenders so they can learn from each other and hold each other accountable. (This is a brief explanation of sex offender treatment, but if you have any questions I would be happy to find the answer. I'm not an expert, but I know where to find them . . . unfortunately.)

So, back to the pep talk. I called the TP to ask her how to handle our financial communications. I started off thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to pass notes through his parents, as long as we keep them about the finances. She discouraged me from using his parents. Her concern was that I would be sending him mixed messages. She went into more detail regarding his specific state of mind at their last meeting, which I won't discuss here because I'm sure that would break privileged communication (she has a release to discuss it with me, but I don't have a release to blog about it, ha ha). In short, she convinced me that if I want him to respect my wishes then I need to make them very clear.

"Keep a strong boundary," she said. I think she's right. God, I just wish I didn't have to be the strong one.

So, for now, I will pass my notes to my therapist, who will pass it to the TP, get Jake's answers, then pass it back. Tedious, tedious, tedious. But it will send a clear message.