Big Rev

My father-in-law is a good man. He is a former reverend, so let's just call him Big Rev.

This whole business with Jake has hurt him so badly. I think he spent the first three months after Jake's arrest just trying not to cry every second of every day. Then he learned that a farm hand had molested almost all of his children, including Jake, and it started the suffering all over again. Big Rev is the one who hired that farm hand. He wishes every day that he could go back and change that.

He paid for Jake to have one of the best lawyers in our state to defend him. I think the lawyer was worth her cost, but I don't know how Big Rev afforded it. He paid for most of my lawyer's costs, too (she helped me handle Social Services who pestered me throughout 2011). He has offered to pay for many other things - sometimes I let him and sometimes I don't.

I feel like he's trying to use money to make up for all of Jake's wrongdoings. I've tried to explain to him that he isn't the one who needs to pay penance and that money will not solve our problems (at least, not the important ones).

He says, "I know, but I just want to help."

It's hard to see a fatherly figure feeling so much pain, so I try to be gentle with him. But lately he's been driving me crazy. Since I've restricted Jake from communicating with me, Big Rev seems to think that he has to advocate for Jake in my presence. I've tried to explain to him where I stand. I try to be firm and yet not take my anger out on Big Rev.

There were two instances in which I snapped at him. First, Big Rev told me that he spent half of a day helping Jake "reseach" (whatever that means) to prove that he didn't sleep with a certain woman while we were married. The insanity of it just blew my mind. First, I know that there have been many women, so why does this particular woman matter. The second thing is that it is completely unhealthy and unfair to be dragging Big Rev into the middle of this. The third thing is that participating in that "research" is just enabling my husband's delusions. I chided Big Rev for encouraging such nonsense.

The second time, Big Rev warned me not to give the authorities certain information. Again - insanity. My reaction started with, "What authority would be asking me for that?" It was stuff that I believe they already know anyhow. Then my reaction moved to, "Why should I be protecting the man who has ruined my life?" It was a bad moment. My temper flared up and I lashed out. Big Rev hung his head shamefully while I gave him such a glare and shook my head. Then I walked out, leaving my poor mother-in-law looking a little pained. Even as I left, I could hear Big Rev saying, "He could go to prison for a long time . . ."

I don't want Jake to go to prison, but I'm determined not to let my moral character get dragged down by this. Truly, if the local police were to ask me for my knowledge on certain topics, I would probably ask to speak to my lawyer first. I don't want to feed the fire. Luckily, I don't think there is a fire to feed. I'll explain more about this another time.

To wrap up this long story, I convinced my father-in-law to come with me to see my therapist. I told him that I want to get us on the same page. And I do. I also want to set some boundaries so that he stops aggravating my open wounds.

My mother asked, "Is your therapist going to act as a mediator?"

I said, "Let's hope we don't need a mediator, but just in case . . ."