Strong Boundaries

Today I got a sort of pep talk from Jake's treatment provider about keeping strong boundaries. It left me less than peppy, but I think it was appropriate.

Before I tell more, let me explain the TP's role (please pardon the abbreviation that also stands for toilet paper). Jake is in treatment as part of his probation. It has a special name that I can't remember off the top of my head - something like Sex Offender Specific . . . oh, I'll look it up later. It is a little like therapy, but maybe more akin to boot camp for the sexually disturbed brain. His TP oversees his therapy. She meets with him one-on-one to discuss his particular issues and to guide him through the rigorous requirements of the treatment, including weekly disclosures of his sexual life (this includes his actions, thoughts, and fantasies), monthly polygraphs to ensure that he is not breaking probation, and preparation for a one-time sexual history disclosure and polygraph. The sex history polygraph is a HUGE hurdle because it contains everything sexual a person has ever done, legal and illegal, and he will never gain any privileges, like visitation, until he passes it. I am also setting that as the first goal he needs to reach before I will consider communicating with him again. The TP also leads a weekly group session of sexual offenders so they can learn from each other and hold each other accountable. (This is a brief explanation of sex offender treatment, but if you have any questions I would be happy to find the answer. I'm not an expert, but I know where to find them . . . unfortunately.)

So, back to the pep talk. I called the TP to ask her how to handle our financial communications. I started off thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to pass notes through his parents, as long as we keep them about the finances. She discouraged me from using his parents. Her concern was that I would be sending him mixed messages. She went into more detail regarding his specific state of mind at their last meeting, which I won't discuss here because I'm sure that would break privileged communication (she has a release to discuss it with me, but I don't have a release to blog about it, ha ha). In short, she convinced me that if I want him to respect my wishes then I need to make them very clear.

"Keep a strong boundary," she said. I think she's right. God, I just wish I didn't have to be the strong one.

So, for now, I will pass my notes to my therapist, who will pass it to the TP, get Jake's answers, then pass it back. Tedious, tedious, tedious. But it will send a clear message.