Sex Addicts 101

Let's be clear about a few things. Not all sex addicts become sex offenders. And not all sex offenders are sex addicts. But sex addicts run a high risk of becoming sex offenders.

We all start out as blank slates, sexually speaking. As prepubescent children, we are supposed to learn about healthy body image, body care, boundaries, and gender roles. Actual sex should not be on the agenda of a small child, but finding one's physical place in the world is an essential foundation for a healthy sexuality. They should learn to respect themselves, respect others, and expect respect in return. (A great resource on developing healthy sexuality in children is The Discipline Book by Dr. William Sears)

I don't know the statistic, but I believe that most sex addicts are sexually abused as children, or in some way led astray. This can include molestation or rape by an adult or older child. Other types of exposure can also have an impact, such as witnessing adults engaged in sexual acts, seeing porn, or engaging in sexual acts with other kids. Even more subtle things can start a problem, such as low self-esteem and excessive boredom, if a child turns to masturbation as a comfort or "hobby". All these things affect how a child forms a view of sex and what role it will play in that child's life.

In Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes, he describes the sex addict as constantly seeking that thrill that we all feel with "young love". You know, that tingling excitement that you felt when you held your boyfriend's hand for the first time. Or that intoxicating pleasure that washed over you when your partner first undressed you. Those are the feelings that a sex addict wants to experience over and over. Who wouldn't want to relive those moments? But an addict loses sense of control and boundaries and even reality as they chase those moments. Carnes calls it "courtship gone awry".

Carnes also refers to the "arousal template" that each of us has - the map in our brain that dictates what arouses each one of us. Again, this template is created when we are children. An abusive situation can imprint on that template forever. Recreating those moments as an adult brings back the courtship thrill, even if it is very misled.

The addiction works through cycles. The addict can live a normal life for periods of time, but then something triggers their need to act out sexually - stress, boredom, a flash of cleavage, a computer rebooting, a red balloon - who knows, it is different for everyone. They go through whatever ritual that precedes the act, they act, then they swim through the moat of guilt and despair and promises to never do it again. Then they start the cycle over.

The cycle can hold steady forever, but it is more likely that it will accumulate new sexual acts. After all, the thrill has to be maintained. And that is why sex addicts become sex offenders. They keep trying new things, keep branching out, the lines keep blurring until they are knowingly committing illegal acts. They are so immersed in their own world of sexual need that they risk everything valuable they have for a momentary thrill.

Addicts know they are doing things the wrong way. But they feel a loss of control, so they hide it. And they start to lie. They get really good at telling lies, so good they even start believing them. They create two selves: the one addicted and the outward persona. The outward persona may be righteous, caring, charismatic, moral - the embodiment of everything that the addict thinks is good (that the addict really wants to be). It would deeply hurt an addict's feelings if someone doubted any of those outward characteristics.

Here are two beliefs that the addict has about their true selves:

1) I am unworthy of love.

2) My greatest need is sex.

For an addict to heal and live a healthy life, he needs to change those beliefs. He needs to believe in his own value and see that others can love him. He needs to learn to trust and depend on others. He needs to face reality (possibly the hardest part). He needs to take accountability for his actions and learn to derail that old addiction cycle. He needs recognize the victims he's created. He needs God - yes, I really did say that. He needs a power greater than the addiction.

Oh, and he needs community.

It's not really about sex, you see. It's about a warped sense of reality. And it's about a victim who never healed. And it is about awareness and attitude in everyone around the addict. It is big and complicated. And I have barely even touched on the subject.