Road Blocks

Yesterday, I found myself getting very frustrated.

Two and a half weeks ago, I requested a "no contact" order put on my husband through his treatment provider and probation officer. It is fairly serious. They will check his phone records every month to make sure that he isn't calling. I believe he could lose his probation and work release privileges if he breaks it. (By the way, this was a really hard thing for me to do.)

It hasn't been very long since I cut contact with him and I'm starting to run into problems. He is not the problem, I am the problem. I manage all our finances and also do the bookkeeping for his personal business. The business books are a major hurdle right now because I have to finish them for the tax accountant. I have never done this without Jake's input before.

I started using Jake's parents as a go-between to get information (he lives with them). His father can't give information without adding other non-essential tidbits, like "Jake started crying today when he talked about you. He really loves you." That made me mad, but also sad. I managed to buck up and tell his father a few of my angry emotions to balance it out a little. Maybe I shouldn't do that. His father doesn't deserve to be in the middle of our marital struggles.

Jake's mother is a different beast. She doesn't like to talk emotions. I think that is why I've been calling her so much. She is safe to talk to. She can give me info without yanking my emotions around.

Last night I called her with a question. As I was on the phone, asking her the question, I realized I didn't need to ask her anything really. I just wanted the company. So why didn't I call my parents? Or a friend? I think I called her because it is almost like calling Jake.

From the time he was arrested he wasn't allowed to live in the same house as the kids, by court order. We used to talk every day on the phone. We were really good friends, first and foremost. I really miss that. Realizing what I was doing when I called his mom, I started to think that I should just be calling him. But then all the pain flashed back again. All the betrayal. All the lies. I can't have a friendship with someone who has done that to me.

I'm frustrated and torn. I hate that I am the one who created this road block, but the alternative could be deep emotional trauma. Not that everything he says to me is hurtful, but it runs the risk of being so.

Frustrated.