Sunday, November 15, 2015

After the Police knock on our door Then Comes the trickiest part of all...Why we must focus first upon our selves upon our children's well being no matter what "they" say..

  •  Just from my own perspective: Some husbands are very adept at fooling everyone over a long period of time in order to take advantage of the trust placed in him as husband and father and grandfather. Proof of his "skill" is that he was successful: No one "saw" / realized what was going on. We trusted them. Not only children but wives and family were "groomed" so he could take what he wanted and (he hoped) get away with playing both sides against the middle. . 
  • And the effects of being "groomed" not to see whats going on don't immediately stop just because we suddenly see that we and our children were betrayed by a smiling "stranger" we trusted for years.
    For example  Both my father and my husband were "good" at taking sexual advantage too, (grooming us all/ using their power and the love their children had for them to sexually abuse and thereby betray the people who loved them) and consequently they were able to continue their betrayals for years. And although the sexual abuse stopped, people still must live with the results of the harm they did.And he is still very skilled. Maybe even more skilled at manipulating the situations to his favor after dealing with prison, supervision etc...
  • Both my father and my (now) ex see themselves as "victims" of their childhoods and of an un-just system and have been successful in getting some family members to take their side and join them in blaming others instead of taking responsibility themselves. They were and still are using their "ability to charm" to take advantage (using people/ children for their own purposes) betraying trust and turning the tables on anyone  who hasn't come around to seeing things their way. (getting their family to blame you. Making children feel guilty for how bad things are for Them now in prison or on supervision.

  • Anyway, even in jail or on the registry, they are still very skilled at making their victims and everyone else feel guilty instead of stepping up and telling the people (especially their victims /children) that whatever they are going through now, they brought it on themselves.(even though the "justice" system is unjust and we do still love them, we and our children have to come first now, because they already put their own needs first for years and left this mess behind for us to clear away and now some expect us to continue to  focus on them and their needs.
    No they are not monsters, but they are often very, very self-centered. One of the reasons wives and especially children  (who are torn and often still do love them )  need distance, and especially children need to be protected from "seeing and talking to him" except under very regulated conditions is that seeing him in court, in custody etc  his victims feel guilty and blame themselves (instead of the adult who took advantage) 

  • For children taking on the blame and assuming the guilt for their father's present pain can be corrosive and, in my opinion, just as it takes a lot for wives and mothers to heal, children still need protection/ distance from relatives they trusted but who betrayed that trust.
    I'm not suggesting encouraging them to "turn against"/ hate I'm just saying it's too easy to let a very self-centered man shift blame onto children/ partners/ wives/ mothers, and make us feel we or the child victim/s are to blame for whatever the man is going through as punishment for bad things he did to his own kids (and sometimes even his grandkids.)
  • Just because they are singing another (poor me) tune now, just because they are "nice" now, doesn't mean you can trust them not to take every possible advantage, especially of the same vulnerable children they "groomed" before and who still want to love them in spite of what they did for years to betray the trust placed in them as husbands and fathers. 

  • Just saying. I know that every situation is different, but they really are very skilled and just because they got caught doesn't mean they don't use every skill available to "absolve" themselves from responsibility and shift blame.Or superficially "take the blame" and then expect we will go back to acting as though nothing happened.  The continue to manipulate if for no other reason than they need money on their books, they need visitors, they need their ego massaged by still having people they can control. 
  • "Afterwards" is the trickiest part of all.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

We are (every one of us) Stronger than we ever Imagined: This post is shared here on Not the Life I Chose from another great public Forum for wives mothes and Families like us: Daily Strength, Families of Sex Offenders from tsmom2012.

3rd anniversary

Posted on 11/11/15, 07:36 pm
It’s hard to believe it has been almost 3 years now that my life changed in the biggest and worst way. My husband was arrested for sexual abuse toward my daughters. My husband and I were married 6 years and together 9 when this happened.
I was in total shock when I learned of what he did from my daughters. At first all I could think of was how could he and I had to protect my girls, so I made the dreadful phone call and turned him in. Then the waiting began. Waiting for the call that he had been picked up by the sheriff’s office and if they were keeping him or not. That call came and they were keeping him as he admitted to things. My world turned upside down.
I had to be there for my girls and help them with everything they were dealing with and I also had to try and get a grip on myself and what I was dealing with and the shock. The first few days were a bit of a blur, not sure how I made it through them but I did. Hardly slept, ate, just sat and thought about things had to deal with my work. Trying to keep things as normal as I could for the girls. They went to school up until it hit the newspaper and then it got real hard for them.
It seemed it was easier for them to deal with everything then it was for me. I was told this is normal as they had time to deal with the actual abuse so this is a bit of a relief to them and this is all new for me to accept and deal with.
If you would of asked me back there I would be today I would definitely not of said anything like where I actually am. I would have thought I would still be in that hurt, angry, scared stage. But no time does heal, it doesn’t go away but it gets easier.
I have always asked and wondered why, why my girls. I never get an answer to that. People tell me everything happens for a reason – well give me one good reason this had to happen to my girls. What good can come from this happening to them?
I hope they have learned things from this as I have. I have learned that I can take care of myself and my girls with NO help from anyone else. I was scared financely when this happened but we have managed, not as well as I would of hoped but we have managed I have been able to keep our home for us as this was one of the things we talked about at the beginning. The night it all came out I asked my girls if they wanted to stay in our home or move and they both said they wanted to stay. I told them I would do everything in my power to keep our home and I have so far thankfully. I have been able to provide not only a home for them but food in our home, pay all the bills, do a few extra things for the kids, but not much. It has been a struggle. I have learned how to fix things myself or get the help of my brother or call a repair person if neither of us can fix it. I take care of my home by myself do all the yard work, plow the snow, shovel the snow, repairs in or on the house, tractors, cars, etc. I am not reliant on anyone other than myself and this is a good feeling. I would never of thought I could do all of this by myself before but here I am doing it.
My husband compliments me on everything I have done since he threw our live together away and made me become independent. He says he is proud of who I have become and how I handle things and how strong I am. Well I am not sure that I am really that strong just determined.
My girls are actually doing quite well, better than I expected them to. I am so proud of both of them. I was so afraid at first that they would let this take them down the wrong path and my oldest I was worried the most about but she seems to have gotten her head back on and heading in the right direction and my youngest is doing really great in school and has plans for when she graduates and I am supporting both of them 100% in what they are now doing with their lives. They will never know how proud I am of them. I just pray that they continue down the right path in life.
I know the one thing that bothers both of my girls, especially my oldest is that I still have contact with my husband. This is a hard thing. I still love him, not the way I once loved him but I do love him. I know what he did was horrible and I do not approve of it. But he is not a total monster that people think he is because of what he did. He seems to be to be remorseful. There are times I wonder if he truly is and I am not sure if that is just me and my insecurity or not.
My husband has a long sentence and I am not sure if he will ever get out of prison as his sentence is life with possible parole after 10 years. It hurts that he got this sentence as there was no actual sexual penetration or acts, it was touching, caressing, I think there had to be more to it than that but everyone tells me there was no sex involved. I am told it was due to their ages when it started that got him the sentence he got.
I still beat myself up at times as I never picked up on anything that would make me think something wrong was going on. My ex-husband even had child services involved a couple times and nothing came out then and I figured it was just my ex trying to cause problems. My kids were not afraid to be around him, they joked, played together. Everything seemed ok to me till that final day.
I think the worst part of this is my one step daughter says her dad supposedly did something to her. She will not talk to me about it so I do not know what happened. She told her sister, her mom, and 2 of her uncles and not one of them did anything. I tried to talk to the mom but she would not respond to me. The other daughter was like hey I watched when I was around to see if I could notice anything going on – well you have to be around more than once in a while was my thought. Plus she should of spoke up – it’s too easy now to make a call to report abuse and not say who you are. Now they all blame me for everything.
His oldest daughter was worried if he abused his granddaughter and I am not sure if he did or not but I would have to say he probably did. She was very young, not old enough to say anything. But there were times he’d go put her to bed when she stayed with us which was very often and he would be in there for a bit with her. I always figured he was just lying there with her till she went to sleep since she was in a strange place – not her own bed.
I am not sure I could ever trust another guy in my life. I have people always telling me I need to find another man. I tell them I am content with the way my life is right now. They are like no you need someone to take care of you, etc. I am like NO I do not. Right now I can do what I want, when I want. I do not have to answer to anyone about anything other than myself. Plus I would not put my daughter in that situation again so until both my girls are out on their own MEN are the furthest thing from my mind. Even then I am not sure if I want another man in my life. As I am still in contact with my husband and I do not know what will become of our relationship and I there for him now and will see what happens down the road.
This has been a long rough journey that I would not wish on anyone.
  • This has definitely been a trying time in my life. There is so much more to the story and I could go on and on about different things. Like family, friends, co workers, people you no longer want in your life as they are negative and can not support you and your decision to still be in contact. They do not know how it is until they are put in the same situation. Family trying to constantly cause problems, which is why I do not have contact with his family as they are constant trouble. I live my life for me. People may not approve what I do and that I still have contact with him, well there are things in their lives that I do not approve of but I don't make it to the point of having to give up on a friendship, family relationship due to what they want in their life so why is it ok for them to basically tell me how I should live. Sorry going off on a rant.