Saturday, March 5, 2016

The Sex Offender we never knew we lived with until we hear the "knock on the door" Life After "our sex offender" is (fairly or unfairly) found guilty of child sexual abuse, sentenced to prison and then 25 years on the National Sex Offender Registry after that:

Back on the home front  we are in Shock.  Confusion and Disbelief Reigns! At home we are already experiencing the collateral damage since our address is being googled, our family members are hysterical and we are left to find and pick up what ever pieces we still think are worth saving. 

We are Pushed from all sides to take Sides. NOW. But what about us? Our relationship with this guy we thought we knew, the guy we had sex with? the guy we were pregnant by? (or planning to have children and live happily ever after...forever with?) Just the mice guy we trusted with our life and our children's lives and NOW realize spent a lot of time grooming and fooling us. AND we believed him!

NOW WHAT?  WELL...Sometimes it helps to take a deep breath and divide our  "situation" into 3 columns:

#1 What if this was not child sexual abuse  but "just" some (sort of ordinary?)  betrayal of trust maybe like adultery for instance (even if he met her on the internet? even if he was warned ahead of time  that the "woman" he was about to have sex with was 13 years old but he says he went to meet her anyway and maybe did stuff  (because he thought she/ the adult woman police officer?) was joking when they warned him before hand that she was only 13 and he went "anyway."

What if the you believe he thought she was an adult, that  woman he met (on the internet) and went and did "stuff" with, well  that might "only" have been adultery so...  (IF he had been committing regular adultery) this would probably be a private matter, not so much publicity, not a prison sentence, not a googling his/ your/ name and address on the Registry for 25 years after he get out of some very scary prison where the other guards and the prisoners join in pillorying child molesters? (and scare the life out of you and him with threats of what will happen?) 

What would be your response if this were ONLY ADULTERY??  Maybe try working through that with (or without) a therapist first. It might give you some basic perspective on how happy your "relationship" was even before the police knocked on your door. Was it worth saving? How much effort did he put into  grooming and lying to YOU as his wife/ GF/ significant other? If this was always a shaky relationship built on your not knowing/ turning a blind eye/ believing a wife should forgive and soldier on, Do you still believe no matter what a husband does in a committed/ religious relationship that it does not give a wife the "right" to stop being a loyal/good/ faithful partner. Do you believe you must try your best to help him come back to being the "good" husband and if that fails you must still soldier on as best you can. Do you have a right to unilaterally break the contract if he still holds out "hope" he will change? 

Think about it, If this were "just" adultery what would that say about your relationship and what would your "obligation" be to yourself? to your children? to him? Think about it please. Because we will support you whatever decision you might makes. We have been there, done that, and searched the internet for other women who didn't choose this "life" either but may (or may not) chose this life going forward.

Just saying....