Triggers

I've mostly mastered my depression. I pack away the ideas and memories that trigger it, just like I did with Jake's clothes. I set them in a dark corner to be dealt with later, when I am feeling stronger and healthier.

But you can't control every situation.

My pastor asked me how things went in therapy with Big Rev. I am good friends with the pastor and his wife, which is sorta strange because they know that I haven't embraced Jesus as my savior. But they also know I couldn't have survived this last year without a renewed faith in a higher power. I have a spirituality that I don't honestly understand, but it is a lifeline.

So he asked me how things went. I told him it was fine. Big Rev understands more of the situation than I thought he did.

"Good," said Pastor, "because when I spoke with Jake he was still sticking to his lies." I didn't see that coming. I didn't know Pastor ever talked to Jake. Jake had never gone to church, after all. He surprised me and triggered that depression. It especially hurt because he mentioned the lies. I don't know exactly what lies Jake is telling Pastor, but it doesn't really matter. He lies.

It hasn't even been a month since I realized that Jake lies all of the time. I'm not sure if the lies are truly malicious or just part of a deeply seated delusion. Which would be better?

I've had two cups of stress-relief tea today plus five sugar cookies and an episode of Glee. I can't shake the depression.

I bet you can guess what I always find myself saying in these sad moments: "This is not the life I chose." Unfortunately, that doesn't fix anything.