I'm Not Ready

The joint therapy session went well. Big Rev and I clarified a few things, set some communication boundaries, etc.

My biggest concern before going to the therapist was that Big Rev kept trying to "help" Jake and I with our marriage issues (i.e. the issue that he was unfaithful). When he tried to help by explaining or arguing something with me, it was misguided and always left me feeling more wounded. I think he understands now. I don't think it will happen any more.

I had an unexpected realization. I was explaining to Big Rev for the umpteenth time that I didn't want to communicate with Jake at all until he completes his sexual history polygraph when he said, "He's finished it."

I almost fell off my seat. There was a panic rising inside of me. I suddenly realized that I AM NOT READY. I asked, "He's passed the polygraph?"

Then Big Rev explained that Jake has finished the paperwork and they've created the questions for the polygrapher to ask him, but he can't actually take the polygraph until March, at the earliest, due to scheduling problems. I actually breathed a sigh of relief!

I restricted Jake's communication with me right before Christmas because I had just learned about his infidelity. I had spent a year of my life advocating for him in court, believing in my mind that his crime was an isolated incident; that he was essentially a good, trustworthy person. Then I found out that he had spent the majority of our marriage looking for sex from other people. I was suddenly one of his victims. I realized that if I let things keep going the way they were, I would just suffer constantly from truth that was slowly seeping out of him. I needed a break, so I cut ties.

Just a week ago, I sent Jake a letter using my therapist and his TP as the messagers. This was part of the message:

"I am so deeply offended by your infidelity and so worried about your true character that I don't want to talk directly to you right now about anything. I am not doing this to hurt you, but to protect my own sanity and the healthy development of our kids. I will reconsider talking with you if you can pass your sexual history polygraph. Please work hard on it and be honest.
I will expect you to share your sexual history with me in full. I am certain that it will offend and hurt me all over again. You may have to wait even longer for me to process the information and emotions before I will start a talking with you again. But it is very important for me to know the truth.
Please work hard. I will wait for a while, but not forever."

He is doing what I asked by completing his sexual history. He is being proactive and I'm glad. But I'm also glad that he can't complete the polygraph for a while, too. I need more time to process and heal. I'm not ready to start the pain all over again.

Being on my own feels good right now, too. I haven't made decisions without Jake's input for so long. I'm enjoying the independence. I like doing things my way and I think I deserve it. It feels like the fog is clearing in my head and I can stand a little straighter. My life is terribly complicated, and yet everything seem simpler as long as he isn't a factor.