Friday, April 18, 2014

Pulling back the curtain of shame

Among the many pressures that we face as the spouses/girlfriends/exes of sex offenders is that sense of being judged by others, especially in the first days after the offense becomes public knowledge. Suddenly you are put on a stage, your family's name on the front page of the paper, and you just know that you are the talk of every social circle you ever touched. You are heavy with shame . . . and yet you did nothing wrong.

I remember the fear of leaving my house and facing the community. When people looked at me, I thought I could hear their thoughts as they wondered if I was as deviant as my husband. I heard whispers whenever I walked past a group of people. I dismally expected the vast majority of people to snub me or carefully avoid me.

And some people did exactly what I expected. There were just a few that had once smiled and waved who suddenly made a beeline out of whatever place I walked into. There were also some who just seemed to not ever look my direction, as if they always missed seeing me in their midst. But I have to say that these people were in far fewer numbers than I imagined.

Strangely, a large number of people still looked me in the eye and greeted me respectfully. For a while I just assumed that anyone so polite and normal acting must have missed the news. But it kept going like that. I went to the grocery store, the bank, church, the coffee shop (where the owner didn't like me much to begin with), and they all greeted me like they either didn't know or didn't care. After a while I realized that they couldn't have missed the news for so long since it was a town of less than 1000 people - news spreads fast. They were, well, just decent. It was a surprise.

But there was something even more surprising: I gained some of my dearest friends in the middle of the storm. One in particular stands out who invited me over for a play date within days of it all coming out. I needed to vent to someone and she was willing to listen, so I took her up on the offer. In the middle of my rant, I had this awful thought that maybe I was just putting on a show for her. Maybe she was just soaking up a good story to tell her friends. I started picking my words more carefully and glazing over more sensitive bits of information. When I had run out of words, she did something I didn't expect. She told me about a member of her family who was struggling with a different problem, an addiction. My friend had experienced a lot of stress from supporting this person. I could sense a deep love, but also frustration and anger. I would never had known any of it if she hadn't told me. She maybe was risking herself by opening up to me . . . and that meant so much to me. I knew she could empathize with many of the things I was experiencing, including the social stress of being linked to a damaged person. And also the confusion of loving that damaged person.

As the months and years went by, more people revealed their dark histories and sad burdens to me that they usually kept carefully guarded. One couple told me mournfully about their incarcerated son. I learned about another couple's struggled together against an addiction. One man was hiding his sexual orientation from his family. A woman related her reunion as an adult with her father, only to learn that he just wanted her money to serve his addiction. I discovered that some seemingly upright figures were really gamblers who lost all their family's money, more than once. I heard the tales of too many women who had been abandoned by their children's fathers and had to pull it together on their own. And, of course, I heard from women and men about the abuse they had suffered as children. So many problems.

I was making connections with people, very real connections that were supportive and empathetic. I appreciated it so much . . . and yet it seemed that the world had suddenly turned dark. What had happened? Where had all these problems come from? When did everyone get so damaged? Of course, the answer was that it had always been that way, carefully concealed by everyone who was scared of the shame that would befall them. Before all of my own problems started, I was living in a fragile false reality thinking that people with real problems were rare. And then the curtain was pulled back. I "joined the club", so to speak. The most depressing club I never wanted to join.

Well, I like the curtain pulled back (and I'm not just saying that because misery loves company). Why are we supporting a false reality? Who does that serve? It's just a shame factory. Let's drop the shame and pull back the curtain. I'm not saying you should announce all your family's troubles to every passing stranger. But when you happen upon someone who is going through a similar circumstance, let them know you empathize. And when you come across someone ignorant of the real problems in life, educate them a little (politely, of course). I think if we lived life in a more genuine manner we would realize that shame is a useless thing. I think we would find that the life we are experiencing, while unique, is not so different from our neighbors. I think if people were more willing to reveal the damage they have experienced in life - those things that we hide in shame - we would be more likely to find genuine understanding from our community instead of the humiliation and banishment we expect.

If you are a woman who is experiencing the first shock of learning that your loved one is a sex offender and you are putting off that grocery trip because you fear the public shame, then I encourage you to face your fear. Wherever you need to go, go there knowing you belong there. You have the right to feed your family and access your bank accounts. I think you will find that most people will act as normal as ever. I think you will also find some who are kinder then they have ever been. I hope you don't find any unkind, but if you do, stand tall. You are the one who has seen behind the curtain. You know that this is a damaged world where good people, like you and most of the people around you, are unfairly hurt. The rude people who snub you are still looking at the curtain (heck, they wove that curtain and hung it proudly!). You don't need to bend to such blind individuals. Look at them with pity and act nice. If you do it right, you'll leave them questioning their reality a bit. Frankly, they need it.

3 comments:

  1. I could relate to this. I was surprised by how many people showed me compassion and sympathy in the days and weeks and months following the implosion of my life. Not that everybody did. But many did. I went to the jail to visit my ex husband today. I do this for the kids' sake. Despite becoming addicted to pornography and making some bad choices as an addict, he has otherwise been an excellent father and he has tried very hard to learn from his bad choices and make things right. The staff at the jail can definitely be assholes. We are required to check in 45 minutes early and during that time I am to keep my children at an arms reach and quiet, including my autistic son. Well I was a few minutes late for check in (meaning that I was 42 minutes early instead of 45) and they vindictively pushed the appointment back a half hour, making us wait over an hour and ruining our plans for the holiday. I was in tears in the waiting room as I exclaimed to another woman (who also had a child) that I didn't do anything to get here. But anyway, I've been surprised by how many people have shown compassion. My biggest fear is that that compassion will be lost when I express how I wish the system would change in order to give sex offenders- at least some sex offenders- a pathway back to a productive life. Ruining my ex husband just makes things harder for me and my children. It makes it less likely that I'll get any child support. Even if that weren't the case, I still feel that he deserves another chance. I hate him right now. I can't stand to look at him. I went to the jail today and stood where I could see the children but I didn't have to look at him through the window. I hate that my life feels so impossible. I wish I were dead. I wish I could remove myself from this world without it doing further damage to my children. I hate him for making my life one that I can't stand to live. Please don't tell me to get help because whatever help out there is for people with time, money, and resources. I'm just saying that I wish people could find some compassion in their hearts for offenders. Most of them didn't just wake up and decide to screw up their lives for fun.

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  2. I remember wishing I was dead. Seriously. Looking back, I don't think I really expected I would really be dead after I killed myself. but I would be somewhere away from "it" all. What I really wanted was for them all to be dead. I did wish all of my tormentors would just off themselves. It was all sooo unfair.(And it really is unfair. Make no mistake about that.) But what "nice" woman wants to admit she would like to commit murder, and failing that, that she wants to "be dead." herself. And to be practical, who wants their child to find their dead body? After the suicide, who wants their child to have to carry around the guilt? A Good child knows in their bones that if "they" had just been a better child they could have made their mother happy...if they hadn't failed, she wouldn't have killed herself.

    You are right. Your children don't need that not after all they have been through already.

    Looking back I think (in my grief and fear) that killing myself was a kind of "showing them" how wrong they were for hurting me/,us so bad... I wanted the world would go away, but I realized that I wouldn't "agree" to kill myself because then who would there be to take care of my kids ? And whatever horrible stuff we as mothers have to live through to ensure our children will be OK, well we stay and get through it..Kids deserve a better life and we help them find the path. As mothers we take care of them and eventually they will grow up and be happy people. And we will be happy we did our duty even through the hard parts. (and believe me, this is a hard part.)
    You said it yourself. You cannot remove yourself from this world without damaging your children. And no matter what, they don't deserve that. You cannot betray them like that. Even though you were betrayed, even when our lives are in chaos, as mothers we keep on keeping on. Because we are the grown-ups. Kids need us to be the grown ups.To keep our word to them.
    And you know what? The funny thing is that, in the end our children turn out to be are OUR salvation. Our children pull us through. How can we betray them.even if we were betrayed?
    And things do get better. All the anger and depression and fear abates. I promise. If we just don't kill ourselves before we have a chance to see sunrise.
    You are not alone. You are in very good company here. We do understand. We do. So come back, be with us. We are here for you. (And even if this is Not the Life You Chose, you can renew your life. Choose self esteem.. Chose to be proud that when things were impossible, you kept your word..) Life does work out. Hang in there.

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