After we realize our betrayal, after our children tell us, once the police knock on the door WE are the ones who live in dread of "exposure" My mother experienced domestic violence but was so ashamed that my father abused her that she told no one. Sexually abused children are threatened with "foster care" if they tell, we are afraid f what the neighbors will think, afraid of how WE will be judged (After all you lived right there in the house and you claim you didn't know?) We worry about what our bosses at work will say if they find out we live/ed with a man on the Sex Offender Registry.
It's just all too much. To avoid being labeled and rejected, to protect our children we move to another state, we remarry l in haste sometimes to another strangely familiar man... We try to be accepted as normal. We live in fear of "exposure" and we learn how to lie. We tell ourselves just don't think about it...
But No Problem is ever "Solved" when we tell ourselves "Just don't think about it." Sexual Abuse affects the entire family so does Alcoholism, even Domestic Violence impose certain Strangely Familiar "patterns" upon wives, children and families struggling with each of these destructive "issues" separately or in tandem.
It is pretty well known that wives of alcoholics learn to behave in certain ways, in fact the word "Enabler " was coined (by some "mental health professional" no doubt) to point out the part wives learn to play in their continuing attempts to cover up "the Problem."
As "Wives" we don't want our husbands exposed, fired from their jobs, we dread the loss of social standing. We don't want our children pointed out, our family ridiculed, pitied or reported to the police. What ever the reason we make Every effort to avoid facing "the problem" in our relationship whatever we think "it" is. To avoid having the family Exposed as "different." we minimize (He's not a drunk. He just drinks a little too much.) (or in the case of sexual abuse: "Pornography isn't really a sexual offense. etc. sexual addiction is a disease and it's no bodies business if my husband ...whatever...it just the drink. I'm not really the sole support of this family, he works when he can....They lied/ the child lied/ he says he didn't, he's not a drunk, a sex offender, unfathful etc etc )
For whatever "reasons" wives and girlfriends (mothers) worry, excuse, attempt to cover up the extent of the damage that "Alcoholism" or(or the less mentionalbe "problems we may "imagine") are wrecking, have wrecked, upon our marriage or relationship or children, upon our whole family. Even when "our alcoholic" "Our Offender" or til death do we part love of our life" goes to jail (for DUI or fighting ...or a Sex Offense) Ever faithful Wives keep on keeping on far longer than love, /marriage vows or even reason would seem to require. We Enable. We blame ourselves...
The label "Enabler" is well earned. Yet we do not see that we have been conditioned as good wives and mothers to put forth such efforts. And because we continue, due to our efforts to fix to "love away" the problems the "Harm" goes on much longer, In the process the entire family which we as wives and mothers try so hard to keep together becomes infected. Our children learn toxic patterns of behavior when they are abused, molested, witness domestic violence and /or Alcoholism. As wives and mothers all too often we assume the role of fixer/enabeler. to minimize the guilt in not having "fixed" whatever problem infests our family. Even when we don't exactly know what the "problem is" it must be our fault because we have not "fixed" it...but never fea we will even if our husband who is in the process betraying and thereby mentally, emotionally and even physically abusing us. But we "forgive" we continue to minimize, to believe the power of our love will make everything "All right." We even learn to feel Pride in our own endurance in the strength of our love, in our faith which keeps us keeping on. We are after all "good women" however we pride ourselves in being "good/faithful/forgiving. We ,at least, are/true to OUR vows.
Sound familiar? We wives of sex offenders seem to behave in much the same way, before and after their betrayals are exposed.. In much the same way, wives who don't even realize the harm being done to the children they love, continue to pride themselves, upon their continuing love for husbands who are betraying the very vows their wives once imagined they both held hold sacred. We all want to imagine that we can (unilaterally) "fix things" unilaterally love everything into perfection. (even if we don't quite yet know exactly what went wrong.)
The problem is that even if we choose divorce we,(much like the wife of and alcoholic) because of our own conditioning to their unreasonable demands, we need to be needed. We ae all to prone to run our and marry another "Strangely Familiar" man wh offers us the opportunity to (this time) successfully "Fix" another "Strangely Familiar Relationship"
The wives of Alcoholics have a place to go, to listen and learn from others affected by alcoholism. It's called Alanon. Adult children of Alcoholics attend (you guessed it) Adult Children Meetings.
AA has been active for nearly 100 years and meeting can be located n every town.
The wives of Alcoholics first recognized themselves as enablers needing each others support.
As the wives and children of sexual abusers, we could learn a lot Alanon. In fact in Alanon, some women and children are able to see patterns patterns of "abuse" across all the spectrums of pain and harm injected into their own lives. Some are even mentioning in meeting that they too were sexually abused in childhood, saw domestice abuse etc etc.
I am not suggesting that every pr=ornographer, every sexual abuser is in fact and alcoholic, nor am I suggesting every alcoholic is an abuser...
Just Saying, women and children trying to "fix" the situations, however dis-separate the "symptoms" may react in similar ways, in addition to the harm caused by chld sexual abuse...we may all feel the same guilt and learn similar patterns that we carry into our next "relationship?
Just saying. After all
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