Shame and Isolation kills. In effect, families, and wives, girlfriends, sisters, and brothers of sex offenders find that they too are "on the registry " whether they choose to stay or go there are collateral consequences to loving (or hating) a sex offender.
Isolation kills. Fear keeps us up at night. Condemnation drives a wedge through our hearts and lives. Don't give up hope. Kindness heals. That's why we continue to post and answer comments left here on Not the Life.
If you are reading Not the Life, Halloween seems as good a time as any to talk about stoking fear and activating trolls and such. .
States have severe Halloween restrictions on Registrants. Giving out Halloween candy is Verboten! Break these rules and your loved one (son/ husband/ brother/juvenile sex offender) goes back to prison, not because they committed an additional (actual) sex offense but for not following all the Halloween Restrictions to the letter.
Just because we love someone on the registry doesn't mean we support or condone Sexual Abuse. And "Once a Sex Offender, always a sex offender" is an old prejudice that simply isn't true. Recidivism rates of sex offenders are around 3-5%. Therapy works. Taking personal responsibility to stop/ to change is real.
But sometimes sexual abuse victims and the adults who love them find their way to Not the Life. Some leave hurtful comments. The rest of us on Not the Life answer their questions as best we can.
But sometimes I tell myself, "Don't feed the trolls " because their comments are clearly meant to hurt, not help.Some see Not the Life as their opportunity to dump their anger on mothers/ wives and family members past and present. No matter how sarcastic or unreasonable many trolls may seem, most of them are hurting. Some think they are protecting children by attacking the wives, mothers, and family members of people who stick by those in prison or out on the Registry. Maybe the trolls think we helped offenders molest our children? Some even target us as the mothers whom they believe conspired to allow them to be molested as children.
No matter, where their anger comes from, no one can stay frozen. We aren't (still) the women we once were. Not the wives who felt betrayed when who heard the knock at our door... back when. We too must travel a road to change. We can't run back to what we thought was our Happily Ever After. And although we feel enough regret to fuel a few remarks of our own, we refuse to accept their shame and blame. We share and reach out. We can't remain silent in the face of harms done to us or others, not Now. And not back then.
But on Halloween especially we are reminded to fear the prejudice and collateral damage that might still target us and those we love.
Law enforcement, in the form of / Police/ Parole and Probation/ County Sheriffs, drives up in well-marked cars. Officers knock on our door making a neighborhood display of themselves wearing "swat gear." They reinforce the belief that "Once a sex Offender...forever dangerous."
I open my door to them. They enter and march around my house asking questions, poking into cupboards, issuing dire warnings. All seem intent upon showing one and all they are Protecting Children. Around Halloween, the Dept Heads also give interviews to the local TV stations issuing DIRE WARNINGS against SEX OFFENDERS. Talking about the need to increase their budgets
No matter how 'law-abiding' It's hard not to feel especially targeted at Halloween. And Halloween feeds the trolls.
I tell myself, The Officers are just doing their job. AND I follow parole restrictions to the letter as does "my" sex offender. I don't want to end up standing in the visitor's lines at the prison because I failed to full fill a requirement of his parole/ his Registry.
So, I wait. I hope for Nov. 1st. I hope the neighbors were too busy to notice those Adults dressed up Swat gear who drove up and banged on our door on Halloween.
Luckily, most Trolls only leave (verbal) pitchforks on Not the Life. (Better that, than they too knock on my door!) Collateral damage is sometimes all too real.
Sadly, some do still believe the canard "Once a Sex Offender always a Sex Offender." Some go so far as to brag "The only recovered sex offender is a dead offender." That's a possible but unthinkable outcome of stoking rage and prejudice.
In my experience, most trolls are the still-hurting adults molested as children, victims of sexual abuse betrayed and abused in childhood. Around Halloween, I' get a little cynical. I'm always more afraid of what might happen if a neighboring troll sees and decides to turn on us. Where can we get P&P's permission to live if we are forced out of our house?
Choosing to stay, or falling in love with someone on the Registry, (even 19 years after his conviction) has consequences. No matter what choices you made or make, I hope Not the Life is a Safe Haven where you can share openly, ask questions, see what others did and find comfort that you are not alone, and find help to make decisions about your own life now and going forward.
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Anyway Vickie, Thanks for having courage. Your comment got me thinking of all the reasons we keep Not the Life going. Not the Life is meant to be a Safe Haven we can all use and add our own experience strength and hope. One comment is read for years and helps many.
Please know there are a lot of Us out here and no matter what decisions we make (stay or go, how find the way forward) we too are effected by unreasonable beliefs of trolls that (sadly) do NOT serve to protect children or help anyone heal or get on with a new life whether they be victim, offender, our children our family members heal.) Old prejudices keep the troll's anger boiling.
We can't be satisfied to whine "poor me" and shame and blame the 'trolls.' (not even on Halloween!)
We must find courage, to make our own choices, to share, to take responsibility, to reach out to others. To educate ourselves and find ways to heal in spite of shame, blame and the consequences of Sex Abuse and the collateral damage caused by trolls or by Life on the Registry.
Take care, Janet Mackie
I just love this post. You are absolutely right, we cannot waste our energy on the 'poor me' thought processes. The truth, we have so much educating to do, we do not have time for this.
ReplyDeleteRecently, I began a 'start the conversation' thinker (merely what I call my own personal project). What I have began to do, when I hear a troll making every effort to degrade and tear down sex offenders and their loved ones, I simply ask what their experience with sex offenders is? In this, I usually hear people in one of two categories; sexually abused and no therapy to heal their pain or someone completely de-attached specifically to a sex offender but fear for their loved ones on the possibilities of the unknown.
The truth is, I have no desire to necessarily hear where they have come from but rather, my goal is to plant a seed in their mind to question their own source of anger. What is attached to their anger with this and why do they give it so much power, especially for something 9 out of 10 of them are not educated on.
In a lot of ways, it is the modern day witch hunt. The only way to overcome this is to talk about it, make people question their own thoughts about it without telling them to do so. Begin the conversation with our children so they know how to protect themselves or know when something is uncomfortable.
Question, think, grow - this is the only way we change anything.
My mother was a lot like you. She was the "conversation starter" as well and was against the registry. My step dad, will he was as of June of 2016, he is now my husband and is still on the registry. I have seen him go through public shaming, and people judged my family because of their fear. My DAD found out he was on the registry when he googled our new address when I was 16. He had sexual relationship with my then 16 year old family member and was married to my mom at the time I was 10. He met my "mom" when I was 9. I went back in forth, between her and my dads. My DAD cheated and moved out. She could not afford the house. She remarried to my NOW husband, who was my step dad then. He is a hard worker and always had a job. This was hard on him, because he was on the registry. I had no idea that he was an SO, until I was 12. I remember the whole neighborhood not liking him, and we were always moving. I believe this is how I am able to handle it now. I was used to it in my younger years people always seemed to hate my family. Will, it turns out all that forgiveness talk, and second chances are really was BS to her. My dad found out he was a SO when I was 16, SO I had not seen my then step dad not in 2 years.When it came out that me and him had a sexual encounter, when I was 15, she kicked me out of the house. I was 18 at the time. I knew she was angry, so I tried not to get too mad about what she said. My mom is not a bad person! She later called and talked about family counseling. She was happy that we can put this out in the open and something about secrets hurt families. We both agreed that reporting him would only hurt my younger brother and I was not raped. I know it was wrong, but pushing people like the registry does it wrong. Plus, He had already gone through the offender therapy and I feel, the whole it did not help with his past (his alcoholic father hitting his mom).She became extremely hostile with me after a couple of months and started being fucking judgmental of him. This was a woman who preached christen forgiveness all the time and how divorce is wrong. He was in tears, and she kicked him out! She even got the preacher involved, who has never met him! Their church does not let him in, there are scared. She was an approved chapoine by the way, so they could have let him in. Now, she is turning to the same bitches we had issues with. We lived in Florida, and it's horrible. We had to move. She threatened to take him for more child support. I threatened to tell the judge, she knew we were sleeping together the whole time. I do not believe she knew. He admitted what he did and she forgave him. Then she she kicked him out. Why can't everyone leave us alone! I hate the holidays now.
DeleteI am not accusing you of being her. I am just frustrated how she changed.
DeleteI'm not sure which "you" you are frustrated with.
DeleteIt seems to me that everyone who searches for/finds Not the Life is in search of someone or somewhere they can feel free to speak aloud. Until we hear ourselves tell our 'secrets' we can't sort out our lives, free ourselves and move forward.
We all change/ are changed by child sexual abuse, by the betrayal of our trust, by fear, by living with the silenced memory of a crime/s.
We are afraid to know / discuss what happened/ is happening openly for fear of more shame and blame. The current justice system often creates collateral damage which further silences us.
We live silenced lives. Covered over, our shrapnel wounds fester. Not the Life I Chose has been (and I hope will continue to be) a place of sanctuary where conversations can start, where we can see ourselves in the lives of others, where healing may start for ALL concerned.
Here we dare find courage to see our lives, not from the perspective of protecting our abusers/ betrayers/ our mothers but from our own perspectives.
So long as we agree to live silenced lives, to confine ourselves to listening to excuses/ to protecting ourselves from knowing, we enable the misery to continue, we harm ourselves and others.
Abusers have to take responsibility for harms done just as we must. Otherwise families simply go in circles when what we need to seek is resolution. Otherwise our silenced lives are stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat as we take the sex offender's legacy with us into the next generation.
In previous generations, sexual abuse was not reported. Children hardly knew a name for what was happening. "Nice women" didn't even put a label on "it." Betrayed, wives and mother's blamed themselves for not 'keeping their husband's interest.' When little girls got pregnant, had their father's babies, they were sent away to 'care homes' their babies put up for adoption. Older girls were called 'adulteresses and said to have'seduced' their fathers/ step-fathers. Anyone who even whispered was called a liar.
No wonder our lives were stuck on repeat for generations.
I was molested by my father. I married a man strangely like my father who in turn, molested my daughter. My daughter married a man strangely like her father and...
When no one is brought publicly to accountability, no one is forced to even attempt to recognize the harms done to whole families, to generations of boys and girls, men and women.
Absent truth, absent accountability there can be no redemption, no matter what choice we make later, to stay or go, to reconcile or reject for whatever reasons.
We live smothered, silenced lives afraid the truth will come out. We stay trapped on repeat unless we find courage to share in the conversation, unless we take stock of ourselves and our part in family harm and make choices based on what we learn about ourselves in the process.
It's not easy. I know. But I'm not afraid to show my face anymore. That's why we keep Not the Life here hoping to hear from others, hoping to make a difference what ever choice you make.
Hi,Janet
DeleteI am the one who's ex stepfather is now their husband.
My mom throw my then stepdad out of the house, a couple of months later we got married. She was fine with him being a SO if he was WITH HER I guess. But, When he got tired of being her punching bag and would not crawl back, she all of a sudden starts telling people how wrong SOs are. I need some advice, How do I keep my husband from going to jail for being with me at 15? Also, how do I keep this woman from running our lives. Do I need to get a restraining order?
Your Mom (whom you say is a certified "chaperone" who agreed to be there and protect children in the home) maybe she "threw him out", not because he was on the Registry, (which she already knew) but because her husband had violated the terms of his Parole and he was a SO once again sexually involved with an under age person/s (you).
DeleteMaybe she felt doubly betrayed, first by a husband she believed she could trust and went out on a limb for, and second by a man who chose to molest her 15 year old daughter and in the process, managed to turn her daughter against her?
As far as getting a 'restraining order' against your mom, what are you going to say? That your mom is angry that your step-father slept with you when you were (maybe still are) 15? Angry that he just programmed through his SO treatment saying what therapists wanted to hear but without actually making the difficult personal changes that meant he would restrain himself, would not go back to taking advantage of people's trust, sexually or otherwise?
Marriage doesn't make what he's done OK. I very much doubt you can't keep him from going to jail for being with you at 15. He shouldn't have done what he did when you were a child of 15 and he was an adult who certainly knew what he was doing to you and to your mother was wrong and certainly knew the risks he was taking and that he would go back to jail since he has violated the terms of his Parole and the SO Registry.
You know, Prisons in most states don't allow 'victims' to visit incarcerated sex offenders, so even as his wife, you may not be able to visit him in jail or prison and if this goes t trial (insted of just parole revocation hearing) there may be problems there too. You do not want to lie for him under oath because that puts you in danger too.
Sorry but this all get complicated pretty quickly.
Take Care,
And then, of course, your father may feel vengeful and report your mother for living 'right there in the house' when her husband molested you.
DeleteSorry, to pour all this 'reality' on you, it's a lot to deal with but then your step-father has been through all this before so he must have known what could/ would happen even if he got you to testify on his side after the molest?
Here on Not the Life, We've all been through some version of this "knock on the door" reality check. It takes time to regroup.
Please don't think you are the first daughter or step daughter to choose to marry or 'be with' the adult who abused them.
You too, are very welcome to share your thoughts here on Not the life. Sounds like you have a long road ahead of you and we certainly understand.
Take Care,
Hi, Janet
DeleteSorry for the long post, I will make two of them. So that it can fit
My mother knew what she was getting into when the PO, court and our family warned her. She was the super involved SO wife, she took all the red flag classes and sexual abuse awareness courses. However, the entire family thought this was fake, or she participated, or knew more about his activities. My mothers attitude and behavior got more and more hostile and narcissistic the older us kids got. I have spent my entire life putting my mothers needs above my own. I blamed the entire world for the life she and he chose. I always thought that anyone could get on the list and if people hated you they would lie and get you on it. Well, this was what I WAS TOLD BY OTHER SO's and my mother. It was a lie... She chose to stay with him. Now, she acts like she was blind sighted. She was fine with staying with him and us getting therapy; also and me living with them when I was "ready." I was an adult then and confused by her comment.
Now that he wants to be with me, her story starts changing. She is the one that choose to tell me misinformation and lied to me. She is the one who kicked me out, after she asking me to have no secrets with her. Janet there is something strange about our community and feel I NEED to talk about the situation. I feel like many SO wives treat me coldly and with fear. Some of these women have chosen a relationship with the SO over their children. Hell, some of their children were victims. What I do not understand is how they do not want me to judge them, but they have no problem telling me what I SHOULD DO and judging me. They do not like it when people act strange around them, but they do me. The minute they find out that I am my husbands "victim" the whole room gets quite. This also happens on the chats and forums too. I am starting to think that many SO wives are fine with the abuse, ONLY if they are number one in the SO's life. The idea of their SO leaving them for a victim, or their children causes feeling of jealousy and fear. My husband and I get looks from the neighbors all the time. I grew up with the BS and am use to it. My dad just found out we were married and is leading the way for an investigation. My husband has just open a business, so things are going good money wise. However, my mothers jealous of us being successful is getting to the point of violence. She has destroyed property when we were not around, which we had to call the police.
I was going to try and make our family work, but I feel she needs to stay permanently out of our lives. I also do not feel loved, or gain any emotional support from her, so no lose there. She had years to create that bond and she never did. It's a day late and a $ short. she is so jealous of everyone its truly disturbing. I do have to deal with her thinking she is owed my husbands $. My brother is in his early teens and my husband always pays his child support. I put my foot down with her and told her: You made your bed and now you are going to have to lay in it. She would love nothing me then to break us up. If my husband is sent to prison, I will make sure she shares a cell right next to him. Well, not right next to him, but you get what I mean. I would never lie for him, but I would also not incriminate him. I told my dad if he goes, so does she and he understands. However, I did tell him he was not going to get a dime from my husbands business, just in case he is just being greedy and not really being a good father. My moms half sister who is the mother of my husbands victim (my cousin) left tons of messages. I thought they were going to be her harassing me, or attacking me about being with him. My mother was always jealous of her, because growing up her family was better off, or more sane I guess. I have not seen her in years. Will, she was crying on the phone talking about how sorry she was and suggested I contact RAIN, and some other organisations. I told her that I WAS FINE and I appreciate her calling. However, if this is about me speaking to my mother she needed to just hang up. Well, that is when my Aunt nearly lost her breath and started crying. She also told me it was my dad who called her about how he abused another kid (me). She has not talked to my mom since she reported my then "stepdad." My mom always had a negative things to say about organisations like RAIN and the others out their. Growing up my mom acted like that victims had all the resources in the world and she had nothing. She would go on the poor poor me, I am a victim rant. Unfortunately, I believed it. I told her that even if I was a victim these people are only going to see me as a SO's wife. I also told her how can I trust you, you might just be trying to get back at my husband. I also added the fact that my dad has a new family and I would be on the streets in the end. This was all about getting back at my husband and I would just be collateral damage. I was the kid in a SO house, so I know collateral damage is can happen again. My fathers love is a joke. She started crying and saying how sorry she was, BUT she THEN TOLD ME: SHE TOLD THE COURT about the allegations and so did my dad. His probation officer is PISSED. He has a new PO that I thought knew, I had been his step daughter. Now, we can not have alcohol in the house and he keeps looking at me, like I am some kind of deadly virus. He knows my family is messed up and he went out of his way, to tell me that my aunt and father called him. Why do people think telling someone that they will not be able to see their husband in prison, will help the situation? I trust no one. I will create a bug out bank account just in case my husband and mother get back together. They hate one another, but my mom is greedy and would not want him in jail because of child support. She said this to family. I trust no one.
DeleteI do thank you Janet for creating this blog and for letting me tell my story. I know many on her are not exactly in my situation, but hopefully this will help others understand.
As I see it, your step-father committed a crime before he married your mother, was convicted and his name put on the Sex Offender Registry. That conviction (and the therapy he presumably received) didn't stop him. He chose to repeat his offence. He married your mother (perhaps to gain access to you?) he betrayed her, molested you and now he's married to you. For me your story illustrates how compulsive and repetitious these problems are and as you say, how child sexual abuse messes up families, sometimes for generations. We (all) get stuck on repeat. Of course you trust no one. Right now you should be enjoying high school and thinking about college or what career would suit your talents so you could make a positive contribution to your own groth as a person and to the 'world' and to your children. but it is possible for you to someday look at the chaos and tell yourself the truth about what happened, begin to trust yourself, stick up for what's best for you and chart a better course so that the children you might have and might need to protect from being just be the next generation stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat. Life doesn't have to be stuck in the repeated compulsive chaos of child sexual abuse but to escape (bug out) mentally you have to see the truth of the situation and find courage to take a different path and NOT simply enable more sexual abuse, by enabling the abusers in your life to keep on keeping on and spread the damage on down to the next generation.
DeleteWe keep Not the Life going for all of us who have lived through this. But sometimes it takes more than just ready other people's stories. It takes talking to someone and getting immediate feedback. (like with calling the RAINN hot line and talking to someone in real time. The way you feel is how all of us feel when our world has been upended, emotionally devastated. We don't know what or who to believe and we think we can't trust anyone but we can learn to trust ourselves again and when we trust ourselves we can't be swayed by what "our" sex offender says in order to protect himself. Because it's his selfishness that got us here in the first place, and since your step father hasn't seen fit to change his ways, he can't be trusted with your future no matter how well "his business is going" or how much he wants you to continuing seeing things his way.
What I'm saying here is from my own experience and I may be making you angry but until you free yourself from his influence and begin to learn to trust and protect yourself you will be stuck and feel the despair you are feeling now as a result of all this betrayal in your childhood.
Take care, JanetM
BTW: If you (or someone else who finds Not the Life) decide/s you need to actually talk to someone confidentially to help you sort all this out here's the RAINN hotline number:
DeleteRAINN: You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Call 1-800-656-4673
Available 24 hours everyday
Online Chat
Feedback
About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline | RAINN
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
The National Sexual Assault Hotline is a safe, confidential service. When you call the hotline, only the first six numbers of the phone number are used to route the call, and your complete phone number is never stored in our system.
Learning how to take care and protect yourself is the first step in preventing this chaos from infecting the next generation of children. I am concerned about your brother too. He must be feeling some of the same anger and distrust you are feeling right now and he probably doesn't now where to turn either. Take Care.
I can not be too angry with you; I was the one that asked for your help.
DeleteMy husband committed the offence, while my mother and him were dating. My aunt was shocked when they got married. My husband had to take a penile plethysmograph and a lie detector test. He did well on both test. I guess, that is how he was able to stay in the house with us. I will say that living with a minor, depends on were you live. I did not find out he was an SO, until years after the fact. When we lived in FL, we had issues with my brother having regular visits. My brother is generally confused, he flops back and forth. He some times blames me and then hates our mom; he even is angry with my husband sometimes. My mom is super critical of everyone and made some of the most hurtful comments, while we were growing up. My brother and I both have medical conditions and she would make some extremely abusive comments. There is one that comes to mind: "There are no special needs rooms in Hogwarts, so they would never let both of YOU in." My brother stopped reading the books ofter that, but He did continue to watch the movies.
When my "step dad's" PO was around, she was the mother of the year. She would get out all the SO certificates and classes she participated in. Then she would show the PO all the locks on our doors and the HOUSE rules. The PO could careless about the classes, they still did not trust her. In fact, they would come over more often. (LOL)
I would never have children and would take the necessary measures to insure that it never happens. (Children = Poverty) I am in college, just started. It took me a little longer to gradate high school, because my mother, (his ex) kicked me out of the house. I some how managed to get in to the local community college with my medical & neurological condition. Thankfully, my husband is paying for my tuition.
DeleteRAINN is is going to hate the fact that I am married to an SO. The wives of SO's hate the fact that I am married to an SO. I guess, jealously runs deep with them and hatred with the others. I have seen it before: the victim advocate treated my mother like scum. (I can not blame them now.) However, I know they are going to try and ruin my husbands life; furthermore, my own. If RAINN found out I am married to an SO they will treat me differently, then the other people calling their hotline. THEY WOULD TREAT ME LIKE A WASTE OF TIME AND BREATH. They would simply put up with the conversation until some other person called. They might see me as some kind of moron, or that I enable my husband to abuse people. I just turned 19 a week ago and I am trying to keep everything together. The last thing I need is some random people on a hotline, acting like leaving is so easy. Were would I go? People treat people with disabilities like second class citizens and they do not like hiring us. It's easy for people to make comments that you can just leave and go to a shelter, but at the same time, they look down on you for being poor and homeless. Organisation that help you see you has some kind of dimwit, parasite, or pity you. It's nearly impossible to find a job that respects you and when you do, keeping it is just as hard.
My husband said that he has worked through his problems with a therapist. Nevertheless, I am not my mother, if he re-offended I would leave. I would rather be in a shelter, then marred to a man that cheated on me and continues to abuse people. There are lots of SO wives that would do and say the same thing; I might be a "victim" of his, but I am not the one who committed the crime.
Of course, you don't have to call RAINN if you don't want to. Not the life supports whatever decision you or others make (stay or go) I'm glad to hear you are in college. It takes courage to keep on trying in spite of everything. I wish you the very best. Take Care, JanetM
DeleteAnd please, keep in touch and let us know how things are going for you in future. All the best
DeleteHi Janet
DeleteI will post about how things are coming along. My dad and aunt are serious about wanting to go forward. They told the police and the court that they were in fear for my life. (LOL) My husband just laughed at the remark. The holidays were EXTREMELY stressful. My husband and I went over to my dad's for Christmas. I was surprised that he even invited us. It turns out that my dad just wanted to make sure I was not being held agenist my will. Me and his wife have our issues. However, she was completely quite over the holidays. She ussuely like to make rude jabs here, or there. I remember telling my husband, if she makes a comment, we will wish them a nice life an no longer talk to them. I herd that my ante had a conversation with my dads wife about her behavior. She did tell my dads brother that she nearly threatened to report my stepmother. She accused her of knowing about the abuse and getting a kike out of the situation. My step mother does not want to lose her kid, so she behaved I GUESS. I can honesty say that everyone looked unconformable. My other brother (my dads son) Was making daddy's little girl jokes at the table. He was just being a kid and the whole situation is messed up. My husband took the remark and jab well. Fast forward a couple weeks later, my dad is trying to threw him in jail. He admitted to my dads brother that there might of been a sexual relations before I was 18. From what I HEARD IT WAS HER SAY and a he said she said situation. In reality we only had sex one time and that was it. A family member of his died and he was depressed. I was a shoulder to cry on. I have seen him that way since. The court and his PO do not know how to handle the accusations, or the situation. They realy have this knid of issue. However, do to me being a ex step father they have no dought that it probably happened. They can not prove that it accord, with out me admitting that it did happen. My concern is if the investigation continues, they may talk to me, or ? me. I get tired of hearing the word GROOMING. My mother was going to go to the police with the rest of my family, but she realized that she would be incriminating herself. She was a smart ass about doing it. Will, I told her what would happen and what I would do. I told my aunt that if he goes, so will my mother. I will keep up to date. We talked to my husbands attorney and he is not worried, this made me feel.
With so much back and forth going on, I think it's easy to slip into "soap opera" mode and loose sight of what matters (like taking care of yourself instead of your stepfather/ husband.) Your husband's attorney is there to protect him, not you. he's his attorney, not yours. From his perspective it hardly matters whether anyone believes you were or were not molested, or whether your mother knew or didn't. If everyone (including the judge) does not believe anything you say, if you get labeled a liar by all concerned, it works out to everyone else's benefit but being labeled a 'liar by all concerned' does nothing to help you. And I think that's what the lawyers will aim for: if they all discredit you everyone walks and you are still stuck with all the harms done to you.
DeleteThat's the thing... If believed: I would be labeled a moron who was easily victimized. If not: I would be seen as a manipulative slut, trying to get back at my husband; who was a sergeant and helped me my brother (his son) and my cousin (his victim). My mother and others still make hurtful comments about my cousin. My mom acts like she understands the red flags and a SO should be held accountable for their actions. However, when people are not around all she does is victim blame. Her SO friends and their wives do the same thing. That was one of the reasons, I never said anything when it happened. I would be ostracized for being some "privileged victim" who is destroying a SO's live. They would also say that I have it much easier. because I am not on the list. However, the main reason I never told was the fact that my husband was my only friend. I do not want to waste your time Janet. I did not even mean to come on here. I just needed a place to talk, I guess. The other Family of SO sites seem scared of me. The others are trying to call the swat team. I feel like my situation is unusual.
DeleteEdit: ~surgeon/doctor~ He was NOT a sergeant. (Sorry, I misspelled surgeon) We all had the same medical condition that required an operation.
DeleteSady, your family's situation is not unusual. There is plenty of collateral damage to pass around in every family experiencing child sexual abuse.
DeleteI am concerned that in saying your situation is "unusual" you seem to imply (as do may sex offenders) that the situation is so unusual, so 'special' that it can't be evaluated in the "ordinary" way. And there fore qualifies as somehow exempt from common legal standards enacted to protecting minor children from sexual predators.
To my mind, a "surgeon' who was previously convicted of child sexual abuse who then chose NOT to reform, not to stop before he takes further sexual advantage but goes on to convince and marry a woman (your mother) who believes him when he says he's is reformed, a woman who goes out on a limb for him as a "certified chaperone" only to have her son and then her daughter molested. The abuser/ then marries the the step daughter he molested and (surprise) he convinces his step-daughter/ wife that her situation is 'also' unusual (not sexual abuse at all)
Sorry but I see a "pattern of sexual abuse' reappearing here. Unfortunately it's not so unusual, not even when you tell the story of sexual abuse repeating itself in your own extended family.
There usually is plenty of chaos and collateral damage to go around and around and around when sex offenders reject opportunities to 'recover' and, as your stepfather/ husband's behavior reveals, they choose instead to extend the pattern, and become serial molesters.
As I have said before, I do not subscribe to the belief the "once a Sex offender always a sex offender" People can and do change. But they must recognize the harm they caused and stop.
Your step-father/ husband clearly has not stopped. His track record illustrates he has chosen NOT to stop harming children, not to stop betraying those who trust him. Convincing yourself that your's is a love-story that's so unusual, so unique it can't be criminal doesn't change the fact that he betrayed your mother, victimized your brother, victimized you and is now re-victimizing you. All to protect himself.
Please consider what I'm saying and protect yourself. Do not lie for his sake when questioned by police or prosecutors. Don't lie because you believe your love is so unusual that what he did wasn't criminal. Don't be victimized yet again. Don't perjurer yourself for his sake. You could be the one to go to jail and , believe me he won't bother to come and visit you in prison.
Take care, Janet Mackie
As far as I know, he has never molested my brother. However, you are right that I need to be careful. Nevertheless, if he goes to jail, I will see that she does as well. I will not have my marriage ruined and give her that satisfaction. That would happen anyway, because the information is going to come up in court: She asked if anything ever happened, and then she kicked me out when I told her yes. So, she will most definitely be joining him.
DeleteRUN!
DeleteIt's your aunty.
DeleteYour brother saw the post at your mommas house, he is now with me. CPS TOOK HIM OUT OF THE HOME 2 DAYS AGO . Your brother walked in on that sick fuck watching videos of women who are in wheelchairs, without limbs and have leg braces get raped and tied up. One video was called “cripple destruction” it scared your brother so bad, it gave him panic attacks. Baby he is attracted to females with mobility issues. I ran into a former colleague of his who told me that he only dated girls with physical disabilities. I think he dated your mom to get close to my daughter and later you. This is also why he DID NOT TOUCH my youngest and your brother. Your brother is a boy and my youngest daughter doesn't have a physical impairment.
baby no one is mad at you, both of my girls love you and miss you. I am the one that kept calling cps when you were growing up. Especially when I FOUND OUT that your mom was trying to hide and protect RAPIST AND CHILD RAPIST. They even had a pro sex offender club. I have read through all the sites your brother showed me that your mommas is on. Hell, that daily strength pro rapist group had mothers still fucking their child's rapist and that whole sick community was cool with it. For the for the life of me, i do not know how you could do that? How can these women allow a man inside of them, who they know did that to their baby, these people are evil! They seem to care more about their man and their own narcissistic needs then protecting their children and community. They must be psychopathic women. because there is no way a real mother could do that. This makes no sense to me and they want these predators walking around without any rules?
They were grooming you for years. I hear they treat victims like predators and predators like heroes. OMG, I am so sorry! I could not image what it must've felt like to be abused, tell your momma after she asked you too, and then have to suffer getting kicked out of your house and forced to walk 7 miles, to your dads house on a brace. Not everyone is sick like your mom and stepdad. I know it’s hard to believe. Baby I am not like your mamma, my sister is a self centered two faced piece of shit. Who hangs out with rapist and child molesters and calls them heroes. If you want her to pay for her crime, I am going to help you baby. I agree with you, I do think many of this women, on these types of forums are sick and jealous of their daughter.
DeleteRAINN and law enforcement believe you are being held against your will and that he has you terrified to leave, because you are scared that no one will respect you and will take things from you. They also know that you are not able to run because of your brace. After reading your post baby I called the investigator and the victims center and showed it to them. The lady at the victim center cried. I have dealt with RAINN before when he abused BB. I needed all the help I could get and it was an uphill battle him being a doctor and all. Not everyone is sick like your mom and stepdad. RAINN and the Law enforcement do not see you differently because you are a “offender's wife.” In fact they don't even feel the the marriage was or is consensual. If anything they feel you need help and extensive therapy. They do not look down on you and they see you like other victims whose rapist lied and isolated them. Sick fucks PO knows know. He is also going to help, he got in touch with sick fucks old PO. I think you remember him he said you should. We are going to get you out of there. I know you do not trust US and have said you would like for everyone to die. However, I know my sister has said things that would make you distrust me. Even if your father turns out to be worthless, I will help you and you can became indepent and live your own life if you wish. I know it’s hard to hear, but BB has the same thing and at the same severity. I KNOW your mom probably lied, so she did not have to get you into an education program. I hear that she just stuck you in a classroom and let you rott. She would rather be poor and leave with a rapist then protect her daughter and get her the treatment she needs. After reading these low lifes and am not surprised. I will put you in a similar program as my daughter was in. She is married now. I thought you knew, but I REALIZED NOW that your mother was with holding information from you. Me and your father last touch after your mother divorced him. I remember hearing about the dna test and him finding out that your brother was not his. Your mother's affair with that sick fuck has destroyed families. You might already be in a safe center, or somewhere else but i wanted to let you know I LOVE YOU and I will help you.
PLEASE REMEMBER I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER AND THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE THAT WILL HELP YOU AND NOT GIVE UP ON YOU WHEN THINGS GET HARD.
Aunty
Hi Janet! I'm a HuffPost reporter and would love to interview you for a piece I'm doing about how to cope when someone you love is accused of sexual harassment or assault. Are you available for an interview? Please e-mail me at angelina.chapin@huffpost.com.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet! I'm a HuffPost reporter and would love to interview you for a piece I'm doing about how to cope when someone you love is accused of sexual harassment or assault. Are you available for an interview? Please e-mail me at angelina.chapin@huffpost.com.
ReplyDeleteDear Janet,
ReplyDeleteMy husband's been on supervised probation and the SOR for nearly 4 years now due to taking a plea on charges that even his lawyer said were bogus (cops screwed up the case, and this is the same big-city PD that's screwed up LOTS worse since then), and I've been enduring the fallout ever since I was blindsided by the call that he was arrested. It's taken me this long to drum up the courage to write this-when you get shunned and backstabbed by pretty much EVERYBODY in your small town, it's hard enough to just hold your head high and not let them think they broke you (Rule #1: Never let them see you bleed.), let alone tell anyone else your story.
Up until last year when the state changed the rule saying we had to have those stupid "No Candy" signs on our door at trick-or-treat time, I dreaded Halloween because of the fear of vigilantes and haters attacking our house. And we have one definite enemy in the form of a fellow school mom I made the mistake of thinking was my friend. Once she found out about my husband, she lumped him in with all those who actually DO molest kids (all my husband did was talk dirty online during a spate of severe depression and he refused every attempt made by the cops to meet) and is now trashing my whole family every chance she gets. Two years ago, she accused me of talking to her on Halloween (I was helping the guys at the firehouse hand out candy) and screamed all kinds of abuse at me on the street. Didn't even TRY to get the details right, and this with HER kid in the car! Ugh. Nothing triggers a bout of PTSD like a psychotic bully attack.
Last October year they changed the rule-no more signs on the door, yay! My husband still had to be home during the evening with the porch light off, but we could finally enjoy relative anonymity. However, I still stagger under the burden of his restrictions-I'm the sole person who can take the kids to and from school and their activities, and there's nobody else I can trust enough to talk to. All my so-called "friends" shunned me after he was arrested, and I never made friends that easily to begin with. Now it's simply impossible, and I don't even want to bother to try for fear of getting stabbed in the back again. I just keep everybody at arm's length for safety's sake. Don't even get me started on the PTSD I live with, because it's not fun at all!
And there are NO support groups for families of "enlisted" people. None. He gets counseling and has a support group as a part of his probation and rehab program, and the kids get it through school. What about the wives and parents? Where's OUR help?
There is a light visible at the end of the tunnel, though. He completes probation this year, and then we can go back to court to fight to get this removed-his lawyer filed for and got a motion for sentence modification, which means if all goes well this can get knocked down to PBJ and hopefully removed due to his completing probation (time served). However, the PTSD and scars I've got from this are probably permanent. And the kids I are INNOCENT. Like Ruby Sue said in Christmas Vacation, "We didn't do nothing wrong and we STILL got the shaft!"
Anyway, thanks for letting me tell my piece, abbreviated as it is due to space constraints. It's a LONG story, and I've been living with it for nearly four years now. I just wish there were more people I could trust.
Sadly, I pretty much agree: "there are NO support groups for families of "enlisted" people. None. He gets counseling and has a support group as a part of his probation and rehab program, and the kids get it through school. What about the wives and parents? Where's OUR help?" But we go ahead and find help anyway, don't we?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this support group might help (or might need your help to get going in your state): NARSOL (contact Brenda V. Jones)has a group called FEARLESS that might be of interest to you.
Also many states have groups called 'sexaholics" they are run like Alcoholics anonymous. SO...they also have local women's groups on the lines of Al-Anon and they are for people who live with people who are on the registry etc. And if you find (and manage to afford) aa private therapist who is NOT already prejudiced against you) still, they are mandated reporters who must report any abuse or suspected abuse to authorities. If, so if you are a person who wants to speak fully and mention things in the past which your husband has told you about but that he wasn't charged with...or things you are wondering about etc. it can all get sticky very fast I need to continue this below:
Janet Mackie: Continued ( Sorry, but You've obviously, struck one of my nerves here!)
ReplyDeleteOf course, we are here on NOT The Life for you, anytime you want to share where you are in all of this, how you feel OR just want to read what other people post here on Not the Life and just to read not even comment (yet).
I think one of our problems as wives and mothers in finding a women's group is that we don't even know how to locate other women that we could meet with, have coffee with etc. and then form even an informal support group.
When my guy was in prison, I met other women in line at visiting. I couldn't blab about his conviction to just anyone but some of us had coffee and my husband knew who was in for what and who was probably reliable to get acquainted with. The guys know each other from inside (or even from group) they are not supposed to "associate" with each other except in SO therapy group.
And then, some of the guys really aren't thrilled about having their wives/ gfs talking to each other because (sometimes) the guys have gone a little lite on what their actual conviction amounted to when the met someone new afterwards.
And of course, if you tell make friends with'outsiders' and tell them that your guy is innocent, was too anxious to take a plea deal, was threatened by the DA with ramping up draconian charges
for a jury of "hang-em high" trolls ( aka "psychotic bullies" ?) he felt guilty for what he had done (not the other things he stopped himself from doing even in his depressed state) and that's the reason he took a plea etc then the neighbors who are already harassing you, well they get that "I pity you" look on their face" and say "That's what they all say" tell you to your face, you're stupid to believe him "because I'm innocent is "what they all say."
Mostly, I think other friends and family who lead witch hunts are just afraid they too will be treated like lepers because they are connected to / friends/ neighbors with someone connected to someone on the registry so they throw stones to prove they are siding with the lynch mob and against "sex Offenders" and the women like us whom they assume lived right there so they had to have known what was going on...had to have covered up and colluded in the crime... OR if you meet them later, they decide you are stupid and never cared about kids...
Anyway Thank you for having the courage to say your piece. I know it's a temptation to cut and run as soon as your guy/ your family manages to get out/ off parole or probation, but please don't we all need to hear from you. It helps us all to find our way forward too. We all deal with PTSD and the scars and we need to learn from each other that we are not alone on this road up and out of Collateral damage.
And thank you Ruby Sue for sharing and also paving the way for this discussion. If anyone on Not the Life has suggestions about what worked for them in finding a face to face group, please share what you know and help us out here. Take care, JanetM
Thanks to Someone (anonymous) who left a link to sorcomm.net and I think the link is worth checking out if you are looking for a sex offender and Family recovery info. It appears to be a place to share and talk about issues. Here on Not the Life we want to help us all find peace of mind in Recovery.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anonymous!
Hello, it's me again. Just call me Ruby Sue, since that movie character had the quote that basically sums up our lives after The Call or That Knock On The Door that turned our lives upside-down and we're still trying to put the pieces together, Humpty Dumpty-style. I'm still struggling with the last year of my husband's probation, my PTSD, and trying to live as normal a life as possible, but there's a new wrinkle I wanted to warn you about. I just wanted to give everybody the heads-up about a phone scam making the rounds that seems especially evil and underhanded to people in our situation even if you ARE wise to legal procedures. Last month, there was a call that landed on our answering machine because of Rule #15: If I don't recognize the number, I don't answer the phone. (Yes, I have a list of rules for life like Gibbs on NCIS!) The called claimed to be from a nearby county's sheriff's department and had a legal issue he wanted to talk to my husband about. Since my husband has been following the terms of his probation to the letter, I gave him the heads-up right away and told him to contact the person who handles his case at OUR county sheriff's department while I double-checked with a friend of mine on a different PD where I grew up. Both revealed that there were NO warrants or anything out for my man, and the scammer (my husband had called back) had told my husband that there was a warrant out for his arrest and then demanded a sum of money or my husband would be arrested. WE know the cops don't operate that way, but how many people are ignorant of that fact? Well, I would've loved to be a fly on the wall when the person from our sheriff's department called THEM and revealed that the scammer had been called out. The last thing they heard from the scammer? Crickets.
ReplyDeleteMy husband merely shrugged it off as yet another scammer/robocaller, but my PTSD had already given me a rough ride by that point, panic attack and all (this all happened over the course of an hour). I wish we could criminally charge idiots like that scammer, or at the very least give them a good butt-kicking for the wringer they put me through. Unfortunately, it's like grabbing smoke with your bare hands. UGH.
But I wanted to warn everyone anyway. If they tried to pull that stunt on us, they could find another sucker who's even more gullible and ignorant about legal proceedings. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.