The stigma attached to reporting abuse

I recently published my memoir but sometimes I feel like I felt when I went to school and showed teachers my bruises and was ignored

July 31, 2019

There is still a huge stigma attached to "telling" and it's  alive and well in spite of #MeToo"   Although the memoir Silenced Lives, the Sex Offender's Legacy received good recommendations and several people bought and tread the book, they report they found it hard to read "heavy" was the word they used because it was about 4 generations of abuse running through my family. 

I don't know if they are too soft hearted to read about child abuse, or if they find themselves triggered from their own experiences. Maybe, like me, they were told " just don't think about it."  But as you and people who search for "not the Life" because they are in need of support, just don't think about it solves nothing and, unfortunately, it helps the generational cycle of abuse to continue.  Several women who read the book, found it very valuable but spoiler alert, for some it triggered  rememberance of their own experience.  They told me they too were raped either as children or as young adults. One woman said she had only ever told 4 people including me.  

If you bought and read the book Silenced Lives maybe you would share some feedback? Or even leave a review on Amazon?  (please buy the book using Amazon Smile so your favorite non-profit charity also reaps some benefit.)

I think sexual abuse is so embedded in our society that most people do not want to see how wide spread and how crippling it can be for both boys and girls and how much sexual violence silences us all (unless of course you are rich and "above the law" then it is apparently a means of demonstrating you are one of the big boys at the top of the family or at the top of the social heap. I was really shocked at the recent hearings to confirm the Supreme Court vacancy. I thought we had come further toward justice...and no, I don't think revenge is justice. I don't agree with the US Olympic team's "performance" in court against their coach. But that's another topic.

For those of us who have heard the knock at the door and had all social connections stripped away (along with a family member we love) we know what it means to suddenly discover our family is "expendable."

I recently read a book called Lost Connections which describes how our social "selves" are stripped away and we are set adrift at the know upon the door (followed after prison) by the 900,000+ public Sex Offender Registry whose sole purpose doesn't seem to be to protect children but to keep everyone from ever regaining a productive place in work and society.

The problem with stripping us of all our connections especially when the "perpetrator" is a sex-curious minor is that the whole system is bent upon making the rest of their lives "a an example" in order to feed those employed by  "justice system."

I don't believe, "once a perpetrator, always a perpetrator." I think if we are willing to listen, if we intervene early, if our intervention is healing and not just purposely destructive we have a chance of breaking the transgenerational cycle of abuse that harmed 4 generations of my family.

Oh, yes and if we allow ourselves to be "trauma informed" and stop averting our eyes when a 4th grader shows up in short sleeves in order to display her bruises....  Take care, Janet Mackie 

Silenced Lives was hard for me to write but it taught me so much about myself and how it was that the cycle of child sexual abuse harmed so many in my family. Please read Silenced Lives and join me in speaking out in order to protect the next generation of children. join me in vowing No More Victims.

 Silenced Lives:

The Sex Offender’s Legacy

By Janet Mackie

Book Summary                                                                         

Silenced Liives is a  memoir that takes courage to write. Author Janet Mackie shares family stories exposing a pattern of child sexual abuse that surfaced over a hundred years ago on a Nebraska farm, when Mackie’s bullied and abused Great Uncle Andrew was “disappeared” by his brother Paw Paw. The incident is silenced but Andrew’s grieving mother banishes Paw Paw and his devout wife to Black Tower. Once there, Paw Paw bullies and abuses their children, Mackie’s 5-year-old father among them.  Mackie’s angry and resentful father survives to marry, then abuses Mackie and her brothers. 

Powerless to protect, Mackie’s grandmother advises, “Just don’t think about ‘it.’” Mackie, called her mother’s “most stubborn little girl,” blots out her experience and manages to survive childhood only to marry a man “strangely like her father.”

In turn, Mackie’s daughter survives her father’s sexual abuse but also marries a controlling man “strangely like her father.”

Finally freed by her father’s death, Mackie sets out to discover “Why me? Why my family?” Her deftly written, engaging stories illustrate how, over time, abuse can create abuse that cycles forth to harm generations as yet unborn unless we, too, gather courage and speak out. 

Praise for Silenced Lives 

“Janet Mackie has indeed crafted a most compelling read. Her book is, in essence, a family saga, replete with abuse, horror, love, secrecy and regret. She convincingly argues that child sexual abuse can pervade ongoing generations with its destruction unless it is brought out of secrecy, acknowledged and addressed. In a most unique way, she is able to weave the stories of those who have endured sexual abuse at the hands of a family member with those who perpetrated the abuse. In so doing she is able to impart to the reader both understanding and compassion for all involved. This is a profoundly personal and intimate look at a family who has been affected by the cycle of abuse. However, in telling these stories she has provided the reader with a clear picture of what is at stake and how we might move forward so that future generations will not continue to suffer.”

-- Kate Thomas, Ph.D., Director of Clinical Services, The Johns Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic

More Praise for Silenced Lives 

“Reading like a novel, this book shines a bright light deep into the dark recesses of child sexual exploitation. It also starts to unravel the bewildering inter-generational aspects of this phenomenon.” 

-- Charles M. McGee, Sr. District Judge; Second Judicial District Court, State of Nevada, Washoe County

“Silenced Lives is a beautifully written, raw personal account of the transgenerational effects of sexual abuse. Thank you, Janet Mackie, for your courage in sharing your voice to make a difference for others.”

-- Dr. Nancy B. Irwin, PsyD, C.Ht.  

A book like Silenced Lives,...by veteran social worker Janet Mackie, is long overdue. Until now, the public has never had concrete proof that the silent-shame cycle of sexual abuse is responsible for churning out victims, offenders, and enablers generation after generation. Now there can be no doubt. Many “experts” on sexual abuse deny that abuse causes abuse. Perhaps they want to reassure survivors that we are not in danger of becoming “monsters.” And they are right that most survivors do not go on to abuse. Still, a disproportionate number of sex offenders were sexually abused as children. Mackie doesn’t let this seeming paradox distract her from writing about the actual dynamics and facts of inherited abuse. In Silenced Lives, Mackie puts a human face on sex offenders, survivors, and enablers by inviting us into her family’s legacy of “hand-me-down” pain. Mackie was intimately violated by people who were violated by people who were violated by ... and so on. Mackie proves that one generation’s abuse caused the next generation’s abuse when she depicts idiosyncratic similarities of the abuse rituals that were handed down from one perpetrator to the next. Silenced Lives shows sex offenders hiding away in shame—the very shame they act out during their crimes. If they dared seek help, no one would help them anyway since conventional wisdom is, “Once a sex offender, always a sex offender.” They are considered monsters beyond redemption. Meanwhile, the survivors in Silenced Lives get the message that if they were abused, something must be wrong with them. They are told, “We don’t talk about such things.” So, they don’t get the help they need either. Those who suspect or know of abuse don’t want to get tainted by the shame associated with it, so they remain silent. And the secret abuse continues. 

Like Mackie, I was sexually abused as a child. Unlike Mackie, however, I chose to act out the secret shame by perpetrating a sex crime of my own. I don’t blame what I did on what happened to me. I made a choice. However, if I had been able to read Silenced Lives before I let my life get totally out of control, I would have understood the cause of my rape fantasies. Both I and the person I harmed might have escaped the cycle. Better late than never. That’s not what you’ll be saying about the ending of “Silenced Lives,” though. Painful as the family legacy is, Mackie writes so well you’ll want to keep reading even after “the end.” And that’s as it should be, because, as Silenced Lives makes clear, we are a long way from “the end” of the cycle of abuse. 
– Paul Hanley, author of Roller Coaster to Hell and Back: A True Story of Sexual Abuse and New Hope.

Available now on Amazon.com.   


Until I inherited the dusty box of family letters, photos, and memories that form the basis of my memoir Silenced Lives: The Sex Offender’s Legacy, I too thought child molestation was a  personal family tragedy to be quarantined by silence  and shame. I didn't realize that the child sexual abuse that so grievously affected my own family, the abuse that made me angrily assert "This is not the Life I Chose" (and it wasn't) however abuse is not a historic just appearing out of nowhere but can be traced, at least in my family, down 4 generations. Only by speaking out can any of us break the pattern and ensure the safety of generations to come. 

Blame the Mother: And speaking of friendship: someone who needs friendship... What do you think? There but for the grace of.... Please comment

A Meridian Idaho woman who failed to report the sexual abuse of her daughter by her husband will spend 19 days in jail as a result, as well as two years on probation.

Melinda Maloney, 46, pleaded guilty Wednesday morning to one count of failure to report child abuse, a misdemeanor. As a result of that plea agreement, attorneys from the Ada County Prosecuting Attorney’s Office asked 4th District Court Judge Daniel Steckel to dismiss the other charge Maloney faced, which was destruction of evidence.

Maloney is married to Craig Maloney, 47, a former Meridian veterinarian who in October was sentenced to up to 40 years in prison for the decade-long sexual abuse of his stepdaughter — Melinda Maloney’s biological daughter — from the time the girl was 4 until she was 14.

In the spring of last year, the girl told her mother about the sexual abuse, but Melinda Maloney, despite being a social worker and a mandatory reporter, did not report the abuse, she admitted in court Tuesday. Eight months later the girl told her father, who called the police and initiated the investigation that ended with the arrest of both Craig and Melinda Maloney, who was arrested in September.

When asked why Melinda Maloney did not report the abuse, Katelyn Farley, one of the case’s prosecutors, in court Tuesday said the woman replied she “was going through a custody battle and did not want it to affect her business.”

“That person who was supposed to help (the victim), who was supposed to protect her, did not,” Farley said.

Dennis Benjamin, Melinda’s attorney, pointed out Melinda Maloney forced her husband to move out of the house when she became aware of the abuse.

“She did fail to report it, but she took steps to protect her children,” Benjamin said.

One of the reasons for the plea agreement, the prosecutor told Steckel, was the 14-year-old girl’s reluctance to testify in court against her mother. Instead, prosecutors asked Steckel to sentence Melinda Maloney to 19 days in jail, as well as to pay a $250 fine, with another $250 possible if she does not comply with her unsupervised two-year probation.

Melinda Maloney is also under investigation by the Idaho Board of Social Work Examiners because of her failure to report the abuse.

Tommy Simmons is the Ada County public safety reporter for the Idaho Press. Follow him on Twitter @tsimmonsipt

Jail, probation for Meridian social worker who didn't report daughter's ...

https://www.idahopress.com/...meridian-social-worker.../article_02fdaff9-a21b-52d7-b3...

Nov 7, 2018 - In the spring of last year, the girl told her mother about the sexual abuse, but Melinda Maloney, despite being a social worker and a mandatory ..

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For those of us who are still too afraid to build relationships after the knock on the door, 2019 is time to "unfreeze"? Time to find ways to get started again.? Search the internet, find a team you can play for that does not insist on judging you by the worst thing that happened in your life (and the decisions you have made since then)? Oh, I know, most o those around you (at work or maybe even at Church, perhaps in your neighborhood will continue to be acquaintances you will still hold at arms length because you knw how prejudiced they are however if you can count 3 friends who know the whole truth, who can be there for you even when you need to complain about how the parole officer wrecked your house the last time they came, or tell the truth to about how the real facts of your everyday life...well post here on Not the Life and tell me, tell us all how you went about/ what changes in your thinking made it possible to make friends with that friend.

Dear Mindful Readers, A new year provides a chance to reflect on the aspects of your life you want to strengthen—and for many of us, that includes checking in on the constellation of relationships we’ve cultivated over the years. Whether it be with your friends, family, coworkers, or partner, here are three ways to build stronger relationships in 2019: 1. Recognize your true friends. Making friends is tough—and a true friend should never be taken for granted. But sometimes, the people you hold close may not be treating you the way you deserve. Explore these six signs of a strong friendship to discover all the ways a friend can enrich your life. 2. Listen to what’s being said. We’ve all caught ourselves tuning out midway through a conversation, either to prepare our response, tackle our mental to-do list, or even *gasp* check a phone notification. But failing to listen to what’s being said deprives our relationships of value and impedes connection. Try these five key mindful listening techniques to give your full attention in the next conversation you have. 3. Know when to forgive. It’s nearly impossible to foster a relationship with someone if you harbor feelings of distrust or uncertainty toward them. While you may not have the ability to forget what’s happened, you always have the power to forgive those who have hurt you. Follow this guided meditation to make amends with both yourself and others. Here’s hoping you all find moments to enjoy being mindful this week. With warmest wishes, The Mindful Team