Even after you've been "on the registry" with your "significant other" for as long as I have been.
I guess I just forgot how many others are coming up, having to deal with the labeling and the shunning, the prejudice that ignites lynch mobs and makes even family members turn against each other. Today I got an email from a woman whose husband is just starting the (endless) legal process from arrest to conviction to the Registry. I tried to reach out and offer some comfort. I try to provide some help to frightened people just experiencing the "knock on the door." and frightened of what comes next. I try not to be too blunt about the "system." They need encouragement to face what comes next. To face the education they are about to receive about how the "system" really works.
I've (and my husband) have been "on the registry" for years now. My husband was convicted in 1976 just after her returned from Vietnam. When he got out of prison there wasn't even a "Registry." just the usual parole supervision which worked pretty well to protect children and help people change.
But, after all these years of "social isolation" it's still lonely. Oh, I have good friends, some of whom "know" but most I met at work or in other situations where I was living a sort of compartmentalized life. "On the registry" friends in one segment of your life know only your public "self." I have other friends who only know my husband has been in prison (a shaming enough admission for some to decide they didn't want to know me/us)
People you like and trust in one setting may turn against you if they know about the other "compartment" of your life (most have no idea what it means to "be on the registry." They rely on the prejudices they learned in the middle class society to "judge" people like us.) Even people whom I thought weren't prejudiced look at me differently when they learn my husband's on parole. Taking a chance on losing the few friends you have by "telling" your husband's not just a parolee but a Registrant is pretty scary and often a risk I don't want to take.
My husband is still on the Registry at 76. We still have monthly "visits" from Parole Officers and monthly visits to the Office of Parole and Probation. (He says he's tired of training newby parole officers) He's required to renew his drivers license every year.This year he had to get a "Real ID" / driver's license because the deadline to get a "Real ID "is Oct. 2020. Luckily, we already had certified copies of most of the paperwork (birth certificates, etc.) I dread to think what other registrants will go through if they are homeless/ just out of prison etc. or if they have to contact another state for their documents and must do that before some date set by P&P or risk being violated and sent back to prison ( in this state any violation is a felony carrying a 6 year sentence)
Because NV went from a risk based tier system to a system (the Adam Walsh Act) a system that assigns tiers based solely upon original conviction 2 years ago, my 76 year old husband suddenly went from tier 2 up to tier 3. This means he must go to the Sheriffs Dept and check in and give his fingerprints every 90 day (counting from his DOB)
Now that we're both "retired" we manage to get by but our financial situation would be a lot better if he had been allowed to work and earn without all the restrictions imposed by the Registry.
We manage but we still must live in a parole and probation "approved" location and the rents here, as in most places around the country, are going up and up. If we can't live here, not only will we have to find a place we can afford, but a place they will allow us to live (and HUD will not allow "offenders" or those with any felony conviction in any senior citizens housing. God help the homeless "registrant" )
You say, So What? He (and YOU) deserve what you get.
You say children's safety matters.
I agree. No child's safety is expendable.
But there has got to be a better way than this endless piling on, this endless punishing isolation.
I just found your blog. My family is going through trauma right now. I just got a call from a family member saying that my support of the convicted person (my dad) makes me the enemy to others in the family i.e why haven't I ended all contact and support with the conviction. It's heartbreaking to me that showing compassion while also knowing that what he was accused of was very wrong. He is older and in ill health and has some level of dementia and is clearly terrified as he awaits sentencing.
ReplyDeleteI’m glad you have decided to support your father. You can wish he hadn’t done what he’s charged with doing and still care about him. Whoever called you about breaking off ties obviously does not realize that the clang of jail doors closing does not heal anyone concerned. In fact it further traumatized every one, the child who was harmed and the person who harmed them both end up feeling guilt which reincarceration does nothing to resolve. Mostly long sentences represent long held prejudices like “once a sex offender, always a sex offender” and name calling/ labeling and a move to throw away the key and met out the harshest sentence possible irregardless of your father’s health, age, or the actual conditions motivating the conduct.
ReplyDeleteTrying to justify the “sentence,” those people calling you to cut off your father/ ostracize him, see themselves as heroes “on the victims side.” To maintain their position as “saviors” they must emphasize that “indelible/forever harm” has been done to the child and can never be “undone.” This negates even competent treatment and keeps the child in the victim role. In many ways insisting that harm is indelible prevents any resolution and recovery because the child can’t move from “victim” to survivor” without feeling like they are betraying those who stood up for them and demanded “justice.”
On the other hand, if your father believes he has done indelible harm, if he believes he is in fact his “indelible label” he too may think (along with the other people in your family) that he can’t be helped to understand and prevent future actions. This is a No-win situation that harms everyone and prevents recovery.
Please Contact Wayne Bowers ( info@cure-sort.org ) They can send you a helpful list of therapists / books etc. to help guide and support you through this terrible time. I’m not sure what state you live in but depending on the state there are other who know and certainly understand what you are going through.
And, of course, you can “answer me back” on Not the Life I chose. I’m always here and happy to help in whatever way I’m able. Take Care, stay safe, Janet Mackie