I remember being conned by a guy in San Francisco when I was 12. I was with my mom. We wanted to ride the cable car, so we were reading the instructions on the ticket machine. A guy came up, offered to help, and sold us two tickets - one was valid and the other was expired. On the cable car, the ticket collector made us pay for another ticket. It was embarrassing. It made us feel stupid and sad. We had lost money, comfort, pride, and self esteem. It ruined the whole day. Still, as much as I enjoy San Francisco, it makes me think of that day and causes me pain.
My husband's actions have recreated those feelings of being conned. Only take the feelings of one instance on one day and multiply them times every day of every year of our four years of marriage. Add to that the pain that is attached to every memory of him as a husband and father - every memory that I used to cherish. I can't even look at our children without feeling such deep sorrow. They deserved a father, not a felon. We were conned.
Grief is the other part of what I'm feeling. I shouldn't say "other" since my emotions are all intertwined. I should say that sometimes my ever-shifting array of emotions resembles grief. The husband I thought I had has died in my mind and heart, over and over. The worst part is that it never stops because he is actually still alive. It's like having a ghost haunting you in the image of someone once dear to you. It keeps the pain fresh.
In a moment of anger, a week or so after Jake was arrested, I said to my friend J, "It would have been easier if he had died." I regretted those words almost immediately because, well, they just aren't nice. I believe death is a serious thing, not to be wished on our worst enemies. But those words still ring true. If he had died, the grief would have an end. If he had died, I wouldn't be embarrassed to talk about him. If he had died, I wouldn't worry about the other kids at school shunning my children because of what their father is. And (most shameful thought of all) if he had died, his life insurance would keep us afloat instead of this financial hole he has left us in.
Death would have been easier. That's just a fact. But if he were to die, I'd probably regret ever thinking it.
But then, maybe this is part of the con - making me a victim of my own angry thoughts.
You are absolutely correct... death would have been easier. And you are not alone in that feeling.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers to you and your children.
It is so sad that our thoughts, feelings, and fears are so similar. My husband was arrested recently on similar charges and I feel like my life, my happiness, and sense of security have been blown to bits. As much as others who haven't gone through this don't understand, you are right. At least if they had died, we would be sad and devastated but at least we'd be left with only good memories and so many fewer repercussions - and we wouldn't be forced to make one of the most horrible decisions as to leave or stay with the man we love and vowed to spend the rest of our lives with. No matter what we choose, we loose, despite having done nothing wrong but loving a flawed man. I hope and pray with all my heart that you find the strength to do what's best for you and your children. One small blessing I have is that because of years of fertility problems and multiple miscarriages, I don't have any children to add into this horrible scenario.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your bravery and honesty in sharing your story. I know how difficult it is because right now I don't have that strength. My heart goes out to you and your children.
It's incredibly validating to read your blog. I have been struggling with the decision to leave my sex offender husband, a man who I loved so dearly, but who lied and destroyed everything I had cared about and believed in. My life was a never-ending downward spiral until I left the "scene of the crime" to start my life anew somewhere else. Thank you for posting the truth. Knowing someone else, although I wouldn't wish this on the devil himself, has dealt with these feelings is a comfort to me. No one understands the mental anguish we endure. I hope you and your daughters have found the peace you deserve.
ReplyDeleteThank you for 'validating' our efforts to keep Not the Life I Chose going and current for other women who share and validate each other as we all wade through this experience. We need a place to share experience, strength and hope and find and give comfort comfort. Please come back and tell us about your journey
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