PLEASE NOTE: This is a popular post for some reason. I have a theory that it pops up high in the google search for "sex offender wife". Well, if this is your first time on this blog, I want you to know that this is not my best post. Please peruse the blog for some of my more current and thoughtful posts. Also, there are many stories in the comments of this post from others like us, which you are welcome to read and reply to (we all need support). But when you are ready to share your own story, please do it on this post: Wives of Sex Offenders - A Place to Share.
When I read about other women in my situation I tend to categorize them. There are the women who practically wear a shirt that says "He's not the man you think he is." I would call them the "denial" group, except that I hate that word myself. Also, I feel that you shouldn't label someone as being in denial simply because they love and support a person, no matter how much wrong that person has done. They are the love group.
And there are those who lean heavily on Jesus. I wouldn't have guessed that this would be such a theme among betrayed wives. But then, it makes sense because we have had our lives turned upside-down and inside out. Who do you turn to when that happens? This is the faith group.
The women of love and faith are the ones that populate the internet. But I would like to conjecture that there is a third group: the angry group. You will hardly ever find this type in any chat room or forum or blog because they feel the betrayal so acutely that they would rather walk away and not look back. They will divorce quickly and move far away from the scene of the crime and tell their children that daddy is dead.
These are just my ideas based on very little evidence, so don't take them too seriously.
So which am I? I'm all of them, of course. I still love Jake, which is why I'm still here. I found God in the horror of last year and He kept me afloat. And I'm so burning mad that I can't stand it some days. All wives of sex offenders are really a mix of these women, even the wives who walk away and never look back. I guess we just pick a direction to lean and some lean more strongly in one direction than others. I started with the love group, joined the faith group, and made a big jump into the angry group right before I started this blog. I think I sit squarely in the middle now . . . but there's always a chance it could change.
In case you missed it, I finally posted the second half of the story I was dragging my feet on. It is just the beginning of my story from last year, which I plan to relate in time. In this moment, though, I just want to get back to blogging regularly now that I'm not shamefully avoiding unfulfilled promises!
I just want you to know that you are a great writer, a brave woman, and you're not talking to yourself.
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DeleteParole/ Registry rules can be daunting and seem senseless given that you know your friend as a person and know he is not what the "Label" Sex Offender telegraphs to everyone who doesn't really know him like you know him. But you have to be willing to follow/comply and live by the restrictions set down for him.
DeleteOtherwise, might have his parole revoked for what's called non-compliance which means he broke a rule set down by the Parole department. Bottom line: Your guy does not have to commit a new 'sex' crime to go back to prison. If you have grandchildren you will have to visit them in their homes not yours and so on. You might need to get a post office box and use that address when you look for work or for work related stuff at HR. Depending upon where you work (for example if you are a teacher) you might get fired or silently pushed out by your employer.
In some states your neighborhood will be"Flyered" with his picture along with info telling the whole neighborhood a sex offender has 'moved in'and his picture and address can be Googled.
Please look up (google) the restrictions in your state. Before your guy gets out he will be served with a letter telling him his restrictions based upon what tier level they assign him to (tier level often 'says' how dangerous they assume he is based upon either actual therapeutic present-risk assessments or in the 20 states which are in "full compliance" with the Adam Walsh Sex Offender Registration and Supervision/ SORNA Act tiers are based upon 'original conviction'. You do not need to re-try him in order to decide you are willing to trust him. Still, trying to make a life together while following all these restrictions can be daunting.
Depending upon tier level (3 is considered more risky that say a tier 1) the people who 'supervise' him will only allow him (and you) to live in certain areas but not in others. This is important because he has to have an approved place to live with you before he gets out on the Registry or on Parole. (Rules are also different if your guy has been in Federal Prison) Some states actually have exclusion zones and will not allow registrants to go near a child care center, a church or a park or frequent places that primarily serve children (like a McDonalds with a play area)
Many guys are ordered to continue to attend (and pay for) therapy,lie detector tests while on supervision in addition to submitting to monthly home visits and making monthly visits to Parole offices.
I'm not trying to dissuade you from choosing to live with someone who is 'on the registry' I do think it is important that you educate yourself and make an informed decision. Talk this over between the two of you. Ask him what he thinks/ expects and above all share honestly and openly. Choosing to be together is a solemn commitment.
That said, I wish you and him every happiness. It is not true that "once a sex offender always a sex offender" You and he knew each other before and after all this you can make a good life together in spit of Registry Restrictions and people who make snap judgement when the hear RSO.
I am ashamed to say that I allowed myself to enter the hell hole of pornography and then child pornography. I was convicted and spent 5 years in prison, and rightfully so. This happened in 2000. My wife and I had been married for 16 before this happened. She has been through so much then and to this day 36 years later. She avoids friends and basically has none. Her coworkers do not know about this and is fearful what will they think of her if they do. She stuck with me and the hurts are always there. I feel terrible for her because of me. By all rights she should have divorced me, and maybe she still will if the hurts become too much, and I would not fight it. I deserve it.
DeleteI was selfish, I did not value my wife and her love, I did not see how it would hurt everyone in so many circles. We have children and they have been picked on and ridiculed growing up.
Why am I writing this? To show how much pain this is for my wife. I love my wife more than ever and she does not deserve this pain. Even her faith is strained because of me.
You are not alone and I am sorry...
Thank you so much. "Your not talking to yourself" is one of the best things I've heard in a while!
ReplyDeleteI would like to know if i marry a RSO how does it affect my life? I have known a man for over 16yrs and the last 10 yrs he's been in prison. we have no kids together. my one daughter is grown and married. so we are 50 yrs old and he wants to marry me but i am not sure yet. i have been alone the past 9 yrs been on alot of dating sites but still havent met the right man. He said he was framed from a previous relationship that's what put him in prison. I have seen the court papers where it details the whole court sessions. I dont believe he did what they say but i also know that they had to have some evidence to put him away for 12 yrs.
DeleteI am a bit confused about whether i should go forth and marry him or just walk away. He's been the love of my life. when we met he wasnt a RSO. he was a professional worker and just enjoyed life. we have been engaged for quite some time. I have been researching different sites to find out the "rules that RSO have to live by" but its difficult to find them. I am glad you have a site where people like me can vent out their feelings and hopefully find answers. Thank You.
It's more than a year after that last comment, and I can tell you this - you're still not talking to yourself. And I'm in that middle ground of love/hate/anger/Jesus right along with you.
ReplyDeleteAnd here it is August 2013...not only are you NOT taking to yourself..you could be writing MY story. I AM all 3 women and it flows in and out. the one thing that keeps me sane is ,,,forgiveness, Everything else is raw feelings and I am allowed them.
ReplyDeleteI am also married to RSO he offended in the early 90's and he paid for it in prison He never told me when we first got to know each other or before we got married he did not have to register in MN on a level 1 so he figured he did not need to tell me. I found out from his step mother 6 months later. I have been very angry with him since. We later had a son and I almost lost him. I feel I am still paying for his crime with the bullying from my neighbors in Oklahoma now this state put him to a level 3 even though he has not convicted again. He was told he would no longer have to registered in 1 year when we moved to Oklahoma but they changed the law on him. We bought a home and now we lost it due to damages and we can not afford to fix it and now we are forced to file bankruptcy like many others going through the recession still effecting them as well as us. Now I am back trying to deal with his issue once again because of the 2,000 feet law in all states. we have to move out soon and we don't know where we will live no apartment complex will allow RSO because of the children can't live near parks day cares schools so this is really limited for us. I want to leave him because of this not because of who he is but what he has to do for the rest of his life and that is registered and live by rules. I should not have to feel punished for something I never did but I do when I have to live by those rules. any thought or advice from anyone would be really helpful.
ReplyDeletePlease take a look at Evie's recent blog (2014) Regarding the Registered and the comments following that. They might provide some comfort and be helpful.
DeleteAnd keep coming back. You are in good company.
I'm getting married to my fiance that has to register and I'm not afraid cuz love goes beyond anyone's fears or mistakes just because my son doesn't like every guy that comes into my life he had to make up a lie about my boyfriend well was my boyfriend back then now im proud to say he's my husband cuz I know he didn't do ne thing and in this state all u need is her word without evidence
DeleteI'm getting married to my fiance that has to register and I'm not afraid cuz love goes beyond anyone's fears or mistakes just because my son doesn't like every guy that comes into my life he had to make up a lie about my boyfriend well was my boyfriend back then now im proud to say he's my husband cuz I know he didn't do ne thing and in this state all u need is her word without evidence
DeleteDon't do it. I speak from a GRANDMOTHERS 13 year long experience. Can't have my grand child with me and when I did, NEVER let her go. Police have swarmed my house. It can ruin your life, it will. You'll never get that nagging feeling to go away and you will miss your life with your family. Not worth it. 13 years of this. House on internet. Don't be dragged into the game.
DeleteMy ex husband is a RSO. I initially supported him, as did our entire family. He vehemently denied being guilty. He was a school counselor. He said a student was trying to get back at him. As many of you know, it was emotionally, physically and financially crippling. For five years after his conviction, I worked, sometimes three jobs to support us and our three small children. The last three years I became very suspicious that something was wrong. He was convicted of soliciting a male minor for oral sex. Well, like I said, things got suspicious. He wanted nothing to do with me, he was violent, angry, mean. Very protective of his phone. He would swear, hit me. Yet, he'd sing on the church praise team, hug old ladies and shake everyones hand. People felt sorry for him. How wrong "the.system" had done him. He had been wrongfully convicted. Sadly, I felt that way for a few years. But now something in my soul was telling me different. In April 2011 my theory proved right. I had prayed for God to reveal the truth to me and He did. While cleaning out a closet, my five year old helping me, we found the proof. Inside that closet there was another storage area under the stairs. I had forgotten it was there since we built our home 10yrs prior. My son crawled in there and I heard paper rattling. I crawled in after him and there it was, behind the wall studs, a library of homosexual pornography. Magazines, books, DVDs. It all made sense. I later confronted him with his father at my side. He admitted to meeting men online, Craig's list. But tried to deny "physical contact". While I was working he was visiting adult bookstores and meeting up with people. He also had syphilis. I had testing done and I'm ok. I filed for divorce ASAP!!! I am a Christian. I stood by him when he claimed to be innocent. He basically spit in my face. It would take a novel to explain everything. He is a sick, narcissistic, creep. I would do it again because I have my sweet children. But I refused to allow my innocent children to be exposed to him. I know every situation is different. From my view and the views of other women, counselors, etc. These men are phenomenal actors and master manipulators. I would encourage anyone in any similar case to get yourself and your children out now! This is not only a mental illness it is evil. I am a Registered Nurse. I have dealt with a lot. I've seen people from all walks of life. This illness beats all. I encourage you to pray and ask God to speak and reveal truth to you. Do NOT IGNORE YOUR GUT FEELINGS!!!! May God bless and keep you all.
ReplyDeleteYou were so smart to divorce! My husband had terrible mood swings,angry one minute, loving the next. I hung in for the sake of the children, then my adult son came forward to say his stepfather, my husband, had molested him for three years when he was 10-13. My ex admitted to it, and after much soul searching and despair I divorced him. I'm working on getting over the betrayal, and my guilt that I stayed with my narcissistic abuser for so long, and never knew what he did to my precious son. Keep your kids away from him! Be strong
DeleteI have been married to a RSO for 31 years. In 1993 when the FBI come to my door asking for my husband, I had no idea why. My life at that time seemed perfect. I was happy, we had two children ,had a nice home and both had good jobs. I had no idea what was occurring. He was viewing child porn on the internet both at home and work. He was fired from his job and 3 years later they arrested him for viewing child porn. He went to federal prison for 5 years. It was devastating for my children and myself .After his release I allowed him back into our home. He promised this would never occur again. I believed him.I was wrong. He recently was arrested again for talking to a minor on the phone and via the internet. I have only recently realized how much of a manipulator he is. I fault myself for not seeing this years ago. He has emotionally damaged both of my children and myself. When he came home after his release ,we could no longer live our life like we had. we had to follow the rules of a life time release conditions that he was sentenced to. When the kids had a birthday party or wanted friends over, he had to leave the home. Probation ruled our lifes, we had to register our computers with the probation for viewing, our cell phones had to have internet blocked and we where not allowed to decorate our home for Halloween or answer the door, along with many other restrictions. At this time in our life my now grown children and myself have a lot of anger towards him. how could he put us threw this? why did he do what he did? These are questions I will never have a answer to. It took many years but I finally filed for divorce. Anyone who is in the same situation, think about the damage that his crime is causing you and your family. Don't wait so long to leave him ,like I did. A sexual offender will not change. It can not be cured. save yourself and children from all the emotional abuse that will be ever lasting.
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DeleteYou are right,I was comes in to relationship.He introduce him self under different name and his mother played along side with him.He admited and told me about offences 2 years later.It destroyer all the trust I had in humans.I walker out from relations and started to put think together.His lyon, his manipulations,his unability to feel rekorde,guilt,his conningnes.Sudenly everhithing make sense I lives with psychopat.
DeleteHi was charged and found quilty and sentenced for statutory rape of13 year old girl.He went to prison and atended sex offenders treatment, and he is a good guy now.Truly he blame for his crime his wife at time who have birth to his still born disabled son she dare to get depresed and withdraw her body,so he not have enough sex.So he helped him self to her own sister.
I just found out that my husband was being charged with 3 counts of sex offense of a mentally challenged teenager. He never told me and I thought we were happy. I am so scared I don't know what to do. I have known my husband since we were teenagers and he has never done anything like this before. He confused to after an article came out in the local paper what happened. I don't know what to do I am in so much pain I was raped as a child and have always fought for the mentally disabled. He has always fought right along with me and now I am so scared I keep crying and praying every second of the day.
ReplyDeleteO k I have read a lot of these statements and I have to say not all people who get convicted or take pleas are guilty! I am living in a nightmare with my husband and it's all at his ex wife's hand! My husband had never been in trouble with the law! And he did three tours in Afghanistan as a marine! When we started dating his ex wife had a evil determination to destroy him at any cost including putting her mother and friend to go to the district attorneys office and tell a complete lie about him! I am not happy with how things turned out but if you would have been in the court room when a jury was being picked out its as if he was o'ready guilty... I am so disgusted with people who do not give the benefit of the doubt! ! And in Texas you are always guilty no matter what! I am coping with this but I am so tired of women going so far to ruin there ex husband's life by doing the unthinkable! !!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. For my husband is label as a level 1SO. He was in prison before the Megans Law was in mandated. His ex wife made her daughter, which was his stepdaughter to lie to the Police a say his sexually abused her. This all happen because his found her cheating on him with several men, and he was going to divorce her. Then he got a bad lawyer who sold him out and he ended up serving 10 years in prison for a crime he never did. His family can proof his innocents but doesnt want to be involved. So we been suffering daily. 10 years ago my family resurfacing his pass up and got my kids (stepkids to him) taking from us. So now we have police taunting us and following us for his 15 years is here and they trying their hardest to keep him label. So if I was to say what type of SO wife I am. I would say that I am all three except the divorcing my husband part. I've thought about it and it has surface my mind at times but my love for my husband overrides it. I take my vows seriously, but I also have to look out for our kids future (our biological kids).
DeleteHello! My husband was sent an email that contained child pornography. He had to rakw a plea and serve time because they threatened to take his kid. His ex didn't do anything to help him and just let him take the fall for. I know what the truth is because I have seen all the court docs and I know hos heart. We have been married over 7 years and he is just an amazing person. I hate it for him. I am glad to know there are others out there going through this with me! Email mail me if you every want to chat. Jonid13@yahoo.com
DeleteIt is people like you that allowed men like them to rape me. Great job, ladies. Feel sooooooooooooooo bad for you and your struggle. You are JUST as bad as the monsters you married and if there were any justice you'd be jailed along with them.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea what we have gone through. You are the monster by saying it our faults and should be in jail. We are simply trying to support these men who made a mistake or who were wringly accused. People like you should be in jail for having no human decency.
DeleteI was molested as a child. For a long time I too hated my mother. Then my daughter was also molested. By a man that I married who was strangely like my own father. It was easier to be enraged at my mother than to confront my molester. And longer still to realize that I had married a child molester. It takes a long time to heal. I don’t think you ever really get over being married to a sex offender or being molested by one. In order for them to succeed, child molesters have to divide and conquer, isolate family members, break the connection between mother and child. Make mother and daughters hate each other Certainly the rage comes back sometimes. And the despair at how much of life is wasted, missed, before even minimal healing sets in. You are in good company. I don’t necessarily agree with everything you said but you are not wrong to insist upon your view of reality. And like me you certainly have every right to express your feelings. Come back. You really are welcome here.
DeleteIt's been a week now.....since I was told by a counselor that my ever so charming husband of seven years molested my now 13 year old daughter. I am devestaed to say the very least. If you knew my husband you would think he was running for town mayor. Shaking hands and kissing babies everywhere he goes. The deception of this is unraveling in my mind every waking second and also in my sleep. He has destroyed my relationship with my daughter and destroyed her relationship with my son. He has done this in a way like he truly believes that he loves her and puts her above everyone. Thankfully i have had him move out two months before this came out because he would not respect discipline bounderies that i was trying to implement with my daughter. I told him if he couldn't support me in disciplining her and stop undermining me then I was going to move out, so he chose to leave. I basically had to grownd her from her "papa" cuz he made all my efforts with her impossible. From then it started to unravel, guess my daughter had to have him gone before she could start to feel safe enough to tell. I have a 5 month old baby with him. Why? I want to move away and never look back out of fear that people will asuume my troubled daughter is lying. It is unfathomable to me. I ache and still look to him to give me answers.....like he even knows what truth is. He lies so much he believes himself. I am in shambles. He is currently living in a house that he rented from our pastor. He's so fake. Its like i was married to Freddy Cougar this entire time and didnt know it. I feel so violated and raped. Meanwhile my daughter hates me :-( He admitted the truth to me, but wouldn't say any real confession of what or how long. My daughter has told but i know it is probably more. Now it seems to me that he felt he was in a relationship with her more then me. My daughter would hold his hand everywhere we went and not allow me to hold his hand. I thought it was normal for her to feel this way about her "papa". Oh the list goes on n on, these are just a couple things that are speak able for me right now. Its crazy because my husband and i go to counseling twice a week. I have seen my counselor for 7 years now. Everytime that i came to her with something strange about my husband she told me that she felt i was having trouble trust someone because of my own past, she even told me at one time that she felt my husbands relationship with my daughter was good and normal and i should work thru my issues on it and learn to trust myself. This is crazy for me to look back on now. I know she couldnt have known...she trusted him just as i did. Still i wish she knew the signs bettter then i did....i wish someone lisrened to my intuition thst something was off. I wish i listened :-( but this was so far, i never thought that it could be THIS. Ive tried to tell him that I will keep this quiet to spare my daughter if he can tell the truth when detectives finally come to question him and perhaps we can do this without a mortifying trial. Perhaps my thinking is not straight but i just want to have him charged and somehow spare my daughter he says not to worry...says "I will put her above all else" it sent shivers up my spine when he said it. How will I ever unlock my daughter from this terrible mind screw that she is in that appears to be much more damaging then the deed itself. Papas don't do this? How will she know and understand ? :-(
DeleteI am proud of you. Your story is similar to mine. You are brave. You listened to your intuition even when a counselor told you otherwise. Don't focus on what you should have done, forgive yourself, but learn from it. I would pursue full punishment and charges on your husband. It will show your daughter that you mean business when it comes to protecting her. CUT HIM OUT. Negotiations off. He is sick and everything he says can send you and her into confusion. Wish I had sooner.
DeleteYou are ignorant. These are people's lives. Keep your judgement to yourself. If you haven't walked a mile in another person's shoes then you are speaking out of turn.
DeleteMy father in law went to jail on child pornography possession charges after a year plus investigation today. We have only seen him twice in the last both times in court and have had limited contact for years prior to the investigation. We do not want any contact with him in the future for ourselves or our unborn children we are absolutely sick and angry at what he has done. He pleaded guilty and the evidence was absolute that this was a long time behavior. However, my mother in law, brother in law and sister in law are accusing my husband, myself and the extended family of abandoning him and them and swear he's innocent and the justice system has failed. They are in complete denial that this man is guilty and in my opinion is a monster. How do you deal with family so in denial we you can see the truth.
ReplyDeleteYears and years ago I was where you are now. The charges were different, but both cases have victims and both creeps will always be a sexual offenders. You said you had limited contact with him for years. I am sure there were reasons. We have never had contact with the small nucleus around the sexual offender, but have developed great relations with the extended family. Having dignity is worth a lot. It doesn't sound as though you are having a holier than thou trip, but rather concern for you and your future children's lives. You can not change the in-laws opinions so in order to protect yourselves you may need to distance yourselves from them. Anytime they want to lay a guilt trip - leave. Check to see the regulations concerning sexual offenders in his state. Knowledge will help you make wise decissions. Most importantly the two of you must agree to how things will be handled. Will your home be off limits to these people? What will the holidays be like? We had to change and I am so glad we did. We had to choose to never have anything to do with our immediate family members and although we found it difficult at times,we have found our marriage much stronger than it was when we were trying to be around them. Most of all - keep your humor. I care.
DeleteThank you for affirming we are doing the right thing.
DeleteI am not afraid to say I support my husband 100% he is one who from the beginning it has been a "witch " hunt. I did take to the Internet and spread his story because it is important to us. The real "monster " as people say walked away Scott free while my husband is still sitting in Federal prison for another year and wont be allowed to return to our son for up to two. Now you tell me who is benefiting from that. Not a damn person. Never in the future (at least 10 years) will nieces or nephews be allowed around him (even supervised) even though their parents all went to court oh his behalf. Your thinking my what in the world did he do.......he was charged and plead guilty to one count of child pornography for having 1 video (unopened!!!! And proven by prosecutor) why did he plead guilty. We were able to afford more than 15,000 dollars to fight it in federal court. He was looking at min. 10-15 to a Max of 55 years with out a plea. So we took the plea with a guarentee of no more than 5 years. He got the 5. Its not all black and white.
ReplyDeleteI am curious how the federal government knows what is on private computers? My son got in trouble, long story. His charges were sexual battery, in the police report when they questions the woman who screamed rape, while my son was trying to help her up from falling down drunk on public sidewalk. When questions did he touch you in a sexual matter she said No. Did he try to remove your clothes or his? No So all there in police report. Plus other people who saw this whole thing. Said she was falling down drunk. Son's attorney court appointed told me that did not matter. How could it not matter? How did she get away with claiming anything with this statement? But they did. And they used the plea agreement ploy to prevent my son his day in court. They scared him into accepting it was the best way to make this all end. He was 20 years old. They registered him and life has never been the same. There is no life if you are a registered sex offender.
DeleteI am implementing a non-profit organization that will bring independent, confidential services to the non-offending parent when disclosure of child sexual or physical abuse occurs. I need to know, what would have benefited you the most after disclosure? I have a lot of red tape and stigma's I am doing my best to overcome so someone can be there to offer services that will not carry judgment, just support and direction for moving forward. I am in the final stages after 2 years of preparation. I am working on getting a focus group together to prove the need. If anyone on here would be willing to share their story or give me any insight as to what would have been the most helpful, it will be making a huge difference in the women out there that will need us. Thank you so much!!! And believe me, I know what it is like myself. I am working so hard to get people to hear the voices of the ones left behind in the system. The website is www.nopa-inc.org. Thank you so much for any words or thoughts you can contribute to this cause, it is one I hold very, very dear to my heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for doing this. My now ex-husband was arrested 8 years ago and it took me a long time to get myself back together and I hated that there was no one to talk to or no guidelines for handling this. Very g;ad that you are able to do this.
DeleteI am willing . I have a very involved story and in some ways its still evolving. Kountitalljoy@gmail.com contact me and I will tell you my story, and give you some valuable insight as well I think.
DeleteDo you think it's wrong to still love someone who's commuted a sex crime and to stay with them?
ReplyDeleteYes!!! Its disgusting and it comes off desperate. I'm not stating my own opinion; all of my friends feel the same way. We all cheer when the women/wives who are strong and grab their things and go but when the women stand by the man who is a sex offender...Yes!!! I'm sorry, it is completely disgusting. I think forgiveness if wonderful...forgive, forget, and let go...BYE!!!! He should see nothing but the back of the women/wives/significant other's a$$ saying Good-Bye. COMPLETELY DISGUSTING!!!!
DeleteYes yes yes yes yes, leave immediately! If anything, support the victim! By supporting these disgusting individuals, it condones their behavior. Pedophile's can't be rehabilitated! They only stop when they are caught and incarcerated!
DeleteMy husband molested a house guest, underage. He is in jail now. I fit in all 3 groups. I went through the anger and occasionally still do, as this only happened very recently, weeks ago. I also am leaning on Jesus and I love him and want to believe that he will change his ways one day, but what I'm not sure of is 1.) Will there be a conviction based on enough evidence 2.) How long are we talking that he'll be locked up 3.) If he is a RSO can he come home or not? 4.) Should I stay married to him and stick this out if it's only going to be a year before he has probation? 5.) What is the danger to my teen child and me if I remain married and living with him one day?
ReplyDeleteI never thought this would happen to me! He's still a human being, not a monster, and if you love a person that is a RSO you know what I'm saying. I could really "use" some friends about now who are in my shoes and non-judgmental
we are all your friends here. Sometimes I probably sound "judgmental" but I really do know everyone has a right to make their own decisions without judgement. I need non-judgmental friends too.
Delete1) As far as "enough" evidence. Enough evidence to convict in court may be different from enough evidence for you to make your own decision about whether a child is safe. 2) how long or even whether he will be locked up depends on whether he is convicted and what sentence the particular conviction carries and whether the judge decides to have the sentences run consecutive (one after the other) or concurrent (every year served counts on all the sentences at the same time.) 3) He can only live in a place that is approved by his Parole officer based on the registered sex offender requirements. And even then he cannot live or be visited by anyone under 18 years of age 4) whether you stay or go depends upon what you descide is best for you and your child. Even after he is off probation his life (and yours) will be circumscribed by the sex offender rules in whichever particular state you live in. You will probably need to expect to support him financially because Sex offenders have a hard time even finding a job...5) I am unsure about "what the dangers" may be. Depends upon who he molested and what he actually did to get himself on the Registry. Read the court documents. The best parole plan any prisoner can have is a wife (or mother) with a job and an approved place to live etc.And you may not want to keep job and personal information separate. Not everyone enjoys having a Parole Officer park outside their house for all the neighbors to see. However Without a pre-approved parole plan a Parole Boards won't release back into the community. I hope this helps. Of course a RSO is not a Demon. Demonization helps no one decide what to do. However there is a lot to contend with.and love can't make everything rosy.Like any long term relationship,it takes honesty and work and sometimes people just decide to call it quits just because.
Not going to be judgmental about your feelings but I will say this...No your worth! Let's start here: 1) Do you think you deserve to be cheated on? Cause if you do we can stop here...continue wit the relationship. Honesty all the other information is just extra and disgusting that HE did...NOT you! Do you feel you can't do better...are you desperate? These are questions you'll have to answer to yourself...NO JUDGMENT. But I don't think you should expect awesome treatment if you stay with a person who attempted to or do fondle, touch, or have any sexual relationship with a minor. LOVE YOURSELF MORE!!!
DeleteIf you are still with this person, have your child put in a safe home! Do whatever you want, you pathetic weakling, but keep yoir child out of harms reach! A mom's job is to protect their children! Staying there with your child is a selfish decision! Disgusting to even have to think about it!
DeleteThe thing that makes me angry is when I think back to the fact of how my husband got arrested. The investigators came to my house, took him outside and the next thing I knew, I was driving my husband down to the police station where I was promptly put into a waiting room (i'm used to speaking FOR him as he's mentally disabled), and then I was brought into a room, asked a few questions, and finally told "we've arrested your husband. He confessed to all of it" and I asked what "all of it" was and the guy told me. I was shocked, angry, sad, and said "could I talk to him?" I was told "I think he's bedded down for the night" and the other investigator confirmed it. I drove home totally alone, almost smashed the car, had to pull over to the side of the road and SOBBED LIKE I NEVER HAVE BEFORE! For the next 8 days, I'd go through grieving, denial, anger, loneliness like I never had in my life, and just emptiness mostly. I'm still at the empty/lonely stage, but no longer in denial and the anger is subsiding a bit...enough that I can think straight. I don't know if they have evidence...nobody's talking or telling. Attorneys are close-lipped and so is everyone else in the "system" so I can't even make ANY final decisions at this point. TY for this place to talk about it. So may opinions and insistences that I divorce him right now and "how could you even THINK of staying with someone like that???!" He was my BEST FRIEND, my husband...um, I thought?
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU MORE!
DeleteI have been dealing with my husbands' arrest and conviction on federal charged of one count of possession of child pornography for over 3years. My family has completely disowned me because I would not divorce him as they demanded. He is in a federal prison for the mandatory minimum sentence of 5 years located 700 miles away. I am disabled and unable to visit him. We do talk via phone and e mail. I was thrilled to find this forum .....it is a lonely world as the wife of a sex offender..,,
ReplyDeleteYour family is right!
DeleteYou poor thing! Lonely, ever thought about how the victims might feel. Support them and be lonely, not support a predator. Disgusting and pathetic!
DeleteI don't believe that my husband did the same thing and he's a good man and a great father and a wonderful husband. He just made a mistake and I have ask God to help me through this and I will support my husband though this cause i know in my heart I am doing right. And I don't care who doesn't like it me and his mom and dad and my family is supporting him.So keep your head up and don't let nobody tell you how you should feel follow your heart!!
DeleteI don't know which one describes me best.
ReplyDeleteJust a week ago one of my nieces informed me that my husband abused my younger niece 13 years ago, when she was about 10 years old. The victim, my now 23 yr old niece said he flashed his penis in her face.....
I love children of all ages and this kind of news is the most devastating experience. Even worse, when after 20 years of marriage and many trials, we've finally been experiencing the best time of our marriage. Where we've both have put much effort in making any and all necessary changes for the sake of a better life and for the sake of the well being of our children. Making changes hasn't been easy because it has meant confronting our past mistakes and making things new. And little by little, we have been seeing great improvement in each other as a couple and as a family. .....but it just seems like every time things are getting better than ever in an area of our married life, something traumatic happens or comes up, which seems to put us on the line. It seems to scream out to us that we must give up on each other, because there's no hope that we can truly be restored as a couple. I love my husband, but what he did is unacceptable. But what am I to do? When throughout the years we've been learning of our most sad way of growing up. It feels as if we never would have realized or believe that our present was so affected by our abused past. Which according to my psychologist, I grew up with much abuse, due to the parental neglect I had, but in my opinion, the way I grew up seemed normal to me.... and very sad to say, my husband was sexually abused for about 7 years since the age of 8 (which I recently learned about as I did some research and found that most sex offenders were abused as children. And when I talked to my husband of what I just learned. .... He expressed deep sorry to even think that he did this. He expressed great repentance with me and toward my niece and the immediate family. He said he never did such thing before or after, and that he truly repented long ago. He went on to say that he was willing to turn himself in to the police for his devastating act, or was would understand if I or my then-sister in law want to press charges. I don't have any words....my mind is like in a turmoil of thoughts. I feel I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm unemployed, have home schooled my children for a few years. We recently have set some great goals for our future and our children's future, which for the first time I feel we've been in more unity than ever.....but after hearing these news......I feel like our life has been destroyed and shattered already in my mind.....what am I to do??? Do I turn him in? Do I ask him to turn himself in?? Do I might as well say goodbye to all our goals and dreams for our future as a family? Is there someone who can give me advice, is every wife's life of a person who has committed child abuse doomed for good???? Are authorities going to take my children away from me if I stay married and not turn him in??? Should I believe he WILL do this again? ??? I feel like I'm in a trauma that has no way out :(
I hope you can help me open my eyes and make things a little more clear for me to know and understand what I'm supposed to do :(
I am going through the same thing and just a confused as you. He went to therapy (to prove to me that he will change) and the therapist reported him to Child Services. Now he is under investigation by the police. Did you ever find your answer? I need help too. :(
DeleteThe first time I heard of my husband's sexual offense was the day he was arrested. This after over 25 yrs of marriage. I found out other things in the days to come that were extremely painful for me, which I don't want to recount here. My family wanted me to divorce him. His family hoped I would stay with him. Some of his family deserted him.
ReplyDeleteI would never judge a person who left a marriage for this reason. But I chose to stay. I've been in and out of every stage that Evie mentioned; my husband got a fairly long sentence and we've been dealing with this for three years.
Why did I stay? Sometimes I ask myself that, but here are the answers:
1. Even though he'd broken them, I wanted to keep my marriage vows of "in sickness and in health." This activity is caused by mental problems. We'd stuck together during a lot of hard times, and I didn't want to let go.
(At the same time I was first going through this, a lady I knew was seeing her husband slip away from Alstheimer's. We often wondered which of us had the worst time. Was it the lady whose husband had been arrested, but knew her, or the lady whose husband had no idea who she was. I finally concluded that it was me, because of the shame.)
2. I couldn't bear to leave. I loved my husband very, very much. I remembered our good times and I couldn't leave him to face prison alone. I just couldn't do it.
3. Emotionally and financially, it wasn't a good idea to divorce. I figured that I'd already been stabbed in the heart. Why would I plunge the knife in twice and go through the agony of divorce?
4. I was too proud to divorce. I didn't want to be another statistic.
5. I talked to the Lord a lot about this, even in my anger and grief, and the message I got was to stay.
I haven't regretted my decision. My husband and I have become closer, even though he's far away. I've cried tons and tons of tears, annoyed my friends to death with my worries, and fought and made up with my family. The simple fact was that I was too wrapped up in this long marriage to end it.
Hope this helps someone.
I am just reading this article and your response 2 years later & I have prayed to find at least 1 other long term wife who has endured such hell. I have been married 26 years. 19 years into our marriage my husband was convicted of deviate sexual assult- he apparently was having sex with a hooker whom he didn't pay and she repaid him with rape charges. I was devistated and in a total state of disbelief. I think I walked around for 3 years in shock. Now there's more- apparently he has been arrested for sexual assult previously within the marriage and the charges were dropped because the witness didn't show to testify. he was only identified because after being arrested for any sexual assult the offender is required to submit DNA which is kept on file. My theory is that before he was initially arrested- he was assulting women with no consequence. What made that matters worse is that I was not told the complete story until I went to the courthouse and purchased the transcripts while he was in jail to hear the details. I was used as a character witness during the trial therefore I was not permitted in the courtroom until my testimony. the lawyer was hired directly by my husband who apparently did not give him permission to discuss the case with me (warning signs right) on the day of conviction while friends and family all came out to support us is when we ALL HEARD THE DETAILS AT THE SAME TIME! Never in my life have I been so embarrassed and humiliated and ashamed and disappointed. Why I stayed in touch with him afterwards? It was like my life stopped- people withdrew their support because of this, I lost friends, church members etc. I was crushed & I was grieving. Isolated & desperate for some sort of comfort or confirmation that I could get through this- he seemed to be the only one extending hope from prison. It was the same grief as you have when someone dies- the only difference is you get a phone call from beyond the wall. 3 years later, I kinda snapped out of it a little bit and decided I wanted to know. I called his attorney who said to me: " I cannot get into details with you because of attorney client priveledge but if you really want to know I will tell you how you can find out" He gave me the case number, told me how much the transcripts would cost and gave me the phone number to the court clerk who would print them. It was a huge packet of about 250-300 pages, I got to page 5 and couldn't read anymore- I had enough- this person was not the man I knew for all of these years. Every page was sending me back to that 'dark place' I just left so I quickly discarded it. I had enough information. He did 5 years, was released and begged to just be my friend because he knew I didn't want him back. Asked if he could stay at the house for 6 months to get a job. He was there for 3 years when I put his ass out. The traces of love I had for him for all of those years wouldn't let me put him on the street. Yet I had no 'marital love' for him anymore. Despite what he put me through I had pitty for him. He made himself out to be the victim and actually accused everyone else of abandoning him in prison and being disloyal. It was then that I realized how sick he was and how much of a manipulator he is. Ladies- always remember that Prison is a choice not not a disease- you can't 'catch jail' you do something to put yourself there. Don't feel sorry for them- you too are a victim. There's more life to live out there with someone who will appreciate you and not take advantage of the love you have to offer. Despite the deep sense of betrayal I feel for all those years I was committed to my marriage and being played by him. I wake up everyday so grateful that I am not sick with form of disease he could have picked up from his crimes. I have been through each stage listed in the above article. Allow yourself to live and allow your heart to heal. Most importantly value yourself.
DeleteI read your story after reading pages and pages of negative stories. I too am standing by my helpmate, leaning completely on the Lord to see us through. In retrospect of our marriage before his arrest, we were so far from God, there was no way our marriage could withstand what we were facing. After nearly our lives, separately and alone, God was the only one there for us. I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. I know we have a long road of recovery and restoration ahead of us, but I also know who guides o ur steps and it is not mere humans. God bless you and your husband. May He continue to heal you and guide your steps.
DeleteI am amazed of what you've shared. And am very thankful that you did share this.
ReplyDeleteI've been praying much to the Lord.
I know that God is not in a hurry for anything, and as shameful, hurtful and unacceptable his past actions are, I truly believe it is what I'm supposed to do. Although, I don't know what is to come, the same thought has come to mind "Stay in the marriage, for better or for worse". I also don't judge anyone for not staying, nor am I justifying myself with what I'm sharing. But the more I pray, I realize, it's very easy to judge from the outside, but in the end each one of us have to deal with the result of our choices, and it will be easier to bear, knowing it was our choice to stay and not what everyone else believes we should do.
I also love my husband and am willing to fight for our marriage along side him.
Although, I could not believe he could have done what he did, one thing I do know, is, he's a much better man, husband and father now, than he ever was.
I find comfort and strength in reading your comment, because it's very much what's been in my mind and heart, that I need and want to do.
I pray and hope for the best, for everyone in a such situation, regardless of the choice you make.
I found this information, an e-course
ReplyDeleteCreated by the author who wrote the book
"Sleeping with a Stranger"
I signed up to her website and this is some information I've received from her:
♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢
I wrote this ecourse a number of years after I wrote the book Sleeping With a Stranger about my own experiences.
Be sure to sign up for the only only on-line course for women who have been married to a child molester:
http://TakeChargeAndMoveOn.com
Pat Wiklund Ph.D.
http://MarriedToChildMolester.com
http://TakeChargeAndMoveOn.com
Patricia Wiklund, Ph.D.
EvenSongPubs
P. O. Box 1249
Kingston, WA 98346
www.EvenSongPubs.com
On December 10th, 2014, i went to the 69th precinct and told a police officer there that my 12 year old had told me that my husband had been sexually molesting her for the past 3 months. Since then, my entire life has been a cycle of tears, worry, pain, stress, tears....tears....tears.....My husband is the most amazing husband, father, provider & protector i know. I am struggling with how to cope with this. I love my husband sooooo much, and is battling with whether or not to distance myself from him, or follow my heart and see this through. I have no idea what the outcome of this will be, the one thing that is constant and sure is my love for this man. i don't want to fail my daughter, but i don't want to lose my husband either.....help.....
ReplyDeleteI'm the Anon. from Jan 1 at 2:39 pm.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you so much! And I've never been molested, so it's very hard for me to evaluate your situation because you love both your husband and daughter. Here are my thoughts:
1. Please remember that your husband is innocent until proven guilty. That's the way our system works. Even though your daughter has accused him, there must be a trial, or he must confess. If you have the resources, hire a good defense attorney who has dealt with sex offender cases.
2. I assume your husband has been arrested and is being held without bond. You don't have to distance yourself from him; you'll be allowed to visit. I don't recommend taking your daughter with you. Always, always, always remember that all your conversations are monitored and recorded. Don't discuss what he may or may not have done. If you choose to stand by him, that's your business, and no one else's. There is room in your heart for all your emotions; you can love your husband and hate what he may have done. You can love your daughter, get help for her and find out the truth of this situation.
3. Now to your daughter. I have, personally, known two men whose lives were torn apart because children lied about their having been molested. I have no idea whether or not your daughter is telling the truth. But you and she need help. Unfortunately, some of the "help" you might get will try to teach her to hate her father and preclude any possibility of forgiveness or healing. Also saw this in my husband's family, so speak from experience. I would ask your defense attorney if he/she knows of a doctor who specializes in this kind of counseling. You and your daughter both need it. You and she both have rage, disappointment, fear, etc. with which you must deal. Personally, I believe that if some members of my husband's family had handled things differently, I might not be cut off from them (their decision, not mine).
4. Some folks will disagree w/ me, but I truly believe that you can love both your husband and daughter, find out the truth, and live to tell about it. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. And please don't be surprised if you find out more details later on - this experience will break your heart over and over. I'm still in the middle of it w/ many years to go. Understand that it will change you, your husband and daughter forever. BUT, there is forgiveness and healing available! We are all sinners. If you don't have a modern translation of the Bible, get one, start in First John (one of the smaller books in the New Testament) and read. And, ladies, please don't accuse me of "preaching," because without the Lord, even thought I get angry w/ Him, I'd be in a mental institution.
Hope this helps a bit.
Anonymous, I am very glad you have come here to share and be a part of our community. You speak from experience that is so valuable for women who are just entering this situation. However, I would like to point out that you have just encouraged a woman to keep an open mind about her husband while being suspicious of her child, which I believe is misguided. I would like to impress upon women that it is not their responsibility to fight their husband's fight nor to take on the financial burden of that fight when most of them have been hit hard enough financially by this situation. More importantly, it IS a mother's responsibility to protect their children and guide them in this scary world (especially when they are the only parent available). Most children will NOT lie about sexual abuse because they do not have the knowledge about these things to just make it up. I will not pretend that there haven't been a few rare exceptions where children have lied, but usually their lies are fueled by an adult who knows what words to feed them. Turning back again to what you said, I do wholeheartedly agree that every woman and child caught up in a case of sex offense should find people to talk to: social services, therapists, doctors, and other resources. Talking to such professionals can help address anger, fears, and even disbelief. I also agree with you about love, healing, forgiveness, and breaking of hearts. You have wisdom to offer, so I hope my slight disagreement does not stop you, only gives you another aspect to ponder regarding children. If we are to walk like Jesus, let us embrace the children and celebrate their innocence.
DeleteEvie,
DeleteI understand your concern. Thought long and hard about saying what I did. My position is very different than many other wives; my husband was caught in a sting, and I admit to bias because of the two men I mentioned.
However, in our system, everyone is entitled to a fair hearing and to have his/her rights protected. I was in total shock the day the police came to my house with a search warrant. They also brought a confession from him, which he had (any lawyer will tell you) unwisely given. My first thought, which admittedly was selfish was "How do I protect myself?" My second thought was "How do I protect his legal rights?" I'm a very pragmatic person, so was holding back tears (emotional) while trying to think logically. That was tough!
So if a wife chooses to stand by her husband, she must not do anything to legally harm him. This includes not talking about the case to him while visiting. This lady is in the worst position of all; her daughter is the accuser and her husband, the defendant. They're on opposite sides, but she wants to love them both.
Hope this helps.
This blog helps no one. It perpetuates anger and makes the women who have husbands that have been wrongly accused look stupid if they are choosing to support them. I'm one of them. It's not fair. Where's the hope? Where's the this won't last always? Or here's how you live and hold your head up in spite of? I'm tired of bitterness and being bitter.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're stupid for supporting your husband, especially if you believe him wrongly accused. I hope that you are right, the way I hoped for myself once that Jake wasn't the monster he was being accused of. That's where I was and who I was when I started this blog. I am not in that position any more, but that doesn't mean I think another woman with an open mind and a hopeful heart is wrong. What on earth have you read in this blog to make you think so? I suppose I have had my ranting angry blog posts, and so has Janet, and there have been many comments here from women in terrible pain - but for most of us, our husbands were rightly accused and deserve our anger. I am glad that I offer a place for others to release it and express it. You shouldn't feel like there is no hope just because you don't find it here. Have you thought about starting a blog yourself?
DeleteI don't agree that this blog "helps no one." It's helped me somewhat. My husband, the one caught in the sting, was guilty. He took a plea and is serving a long sentence. I know what he's done, but have stood by him for the reasons I've expressed above in my post of Jan 1. Yes, I get angry, upset, lonely, but I've made my choice. Am concerned that I may unintentionally hurt someone else, and am considering not contributing any more because I don't want to upset the ladies here. But then, where do I go? I almost dread the day he's freed because I'm afraid that neighbors won't want us around (even though I've lived n this house for 27 yrs). I'm also disabled; when my husband left, there went my transportation. It's awful to try and find rides; fortunately, I have a great neighbor who takes me to work.
ReplyDeleteI need some encouragement too about staying w/ my husband even though I know he's guilty.
I married my husband in 2011 I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, in March 2014 he was accused of touching this little girls buttocks outside of the clothing me and my family were all devastated at this accusation given that the girl was a known liar and grew up without a mom and dad her mom had abandoned her and her brother next door at my uncles house anywau when my husband was first questioned by the FBI and BIA agents he denied everything and he blurted out that he did it and he gave 3 times that he did and he told my family and I that he was interrogated and they made him confess but on the tape was something totally different he wasn't interrogated at all we met with his lawyer last week and he notified my family and his family that he confessed to what he was accused of and that he wanted to be honest with everyone and now he's been avoiding me like a coward not calling me because I have a lot to say to him and he knows it what makes me even more mad and hurt and confused is that we have a 2 year old son together since he was incarcerated he missed his first steps he's missed out on 7 months of his life that he will never get back I know our son already forgot about his dad I'm just so hurt I never thought he would have been capable of that I feel like its my fault I will always love him but idk what to do I took my vows seriously for better or for worse I don't want my son to grow up without a dad in his life but now everything is up to the judge when he changes his plea to guilty at the end of this month I don't know what to do especially when it comes to my son I don't want to keep my son from him but its all up to the judge if he can be around kids with supervision or if he's not allowed around kids period but I know if the judge says he's not allowed around kids than I have no choice than to divorce.him because I don't want my son around him if he can't be around kids I know he will never lay a hand on my son but I would get in trouble if he was around him if he's not suppose to be I need some advice do I stay by his side and support him how a wife should or do I just act like he never existed and leave him behind? I'm so confused and what makes it even more worse is he doesnt even have the nads to call me and talk to me about it instead he's only pissing me off by acting like a coward not calling me or even writing me a letter
ReplyDeleteMy now husband is a registered sex offender. His was accused 9 years ago, served 7 years in prison. We got married last May. We have a 9 year old son together. I stand by him and up for him in any situation. I won't give details about what happened because it is neither here nor there anymore. He served his time and I never bring it up to him. My family and I have been targeted by a neighbor after we have lived in our area for over 2 years with no problems. We keep to ourselves. We don't really speak to any of the neighbors. But this particular person decided to post pictures with my husbands name, address, and other personal information around the neighborhood. When we walk by he shouts obscenities at my husband from the safety of his front porch. I tell him all the time to inform the police and his probation officer and handle this person the right way. I feel like my family is in danger and we do nothing to anyone. I don't associate myself with anyone in the neighborhood because of this reason. I don't keep friends because the second any of them would find out about his past they would disown me completely. So I have a very lonely existence. I work full time because he can't get a job because of his background. He is an excellent husband and father. I am angry, yes. No I do not look to religion nor am I in denial. I make myself numb to it all because if I get mad at all the small minded people in my neighborhood I will have wasted precious time and breath on those that don't matter. We walked down the sidewalk today and ripped down fliers this person had posted. This is going to turn into a daily event. We aren't moving no matter what the neighbors say but I also don't think its this person's business or duty to post about my husband. I think that is defamation but I will have to investigate further. Thank you for listening. I just needed to vent.
ReplyDeleteBoy, am I glad you vented! This is what I'm afraid will happen when my husband leaves prison. You have guts and grit and I greatly admire you for that! Thanks so much for sharing.
DeleteThank you for that :-) i was just extremely frustrated. His probation officer came to the house today, she is an amazing lady. She told him to report the guy to the registry and the officers there would deal with him. And to keep her updated. Which we have and he is the most compliant guy she has that reports. He has never missed in almost 3 years. Only 2 left to go. It's a long road but we are managing. I am sure that when your husband gets out it will be hard at first. Especially work, friendships, even where you live. Our family is very strong and we don't take things lying down. He gets frustrated too and I feel that every day. You will definitely need each other when he comes home, especially when it gets hard like it does for us. And apparently he has done this to other people in my neighborhood with a background. This will be the last time it happens though. Hey, if you ever need to just chat let me know. Talking is very therapeutic :-)
ReplyDeleteHello my fiance was falsely accused by my daughter (my fiance is or was her step dad). At any rate , She now lives with her biological father over 600 miles away. My fiance meanwhile is in jail. We have a 1 1/2 year old together. I want to know and I see you live with your husband and children and he is on probation. Will I be able to live with my fiance? Does it depend on whoever his probation officer is? I am heartbroken my family was destroyed by my daughter's lies (she admitted to me and her temporary foster mom she lied but the DA still pursued the case anyway) I want to be with my fiance and marry when he gets out. I am devastated at the thought we may not be together because of his probation. Any insight is appreciated and I'm happy you get to be with your husband. Any challenges an SO faces can be overcome if he has his family behind him.
DeleteHello my fiance was falsely accused by my daughter (my fiance is or was her step dad). At any rate , She now lives with her biological father over 600 miles away. My fiance meanwhile is in jail. We have a 1 1/2 year old together. I want to know and I see you live with your husband and children and he is on probation. Will I be able to live with my fiance? Does it depend on whoever his probation officer is? I am heartbroken my family was destroyed by my daughter's lies (she admitted to me and her temporary foster mom she lied but the DA still pursued the case anyway) I want to be with my fiance and marry when he gets out. I am devastated at the thought we may not be together because of his probation. Any insight is appreciated and I'm happy you get to be with your husband. Any challenges an SO faces can be overcome if he has his family behind him.
DeleteHi, Thank you for posting the original piece, and all the brave replies. I am a professor collecting stories of people impacted by sex offender policies. If you think you might like to take our survey or do a phone interview, the link is https://delaware.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_2ggsaRlIlOnNjNz) or you can reach me at santhi@udel.edu Best wishes, Chrysanthi Leon
ReplyDeleteI looked up the santhi@udel.edu "address" (I couldn't seem to pull up the other link provided.)
DeleteThis is what comes up:
Chrysanthi S. Leon Chrysanthi S. Leon, JD, Ph.D
(University of California, Berkeley)
Associate Professor
santhi@udel.edu
VITA
Field Experience Information (CRJU 495)
312 Smith Hall
302-831-8683 Sex crime and punishment, law, society and criminology.
As a wiife and mother "linked" to a Sex Offender, I come to Not the Life I chose to help and be helped to get through trying times.
I would be interested in reading/seeing a link to the results of your research into the wider "impact". Could you please at least provide us with a link to see the cumulative "results" and your observations regarding the information you gathered from wives and mothers and all the "sources" who gave information on how they were (and are) impacted by sex offender policies.
What conclusions did you reach? Is your Research likely to change public perception?Isyour research likely to make a difference in policy or in the lives of the daughters/sons/ wives / mothers affected by the activities (and the public perceptions of) regarding adjudicated sex offenders?
Janet Mackie
My life has completely "fallen apart" in the last 3 days I do not know how to function without my husband here and have no idea what the future holds yet. I am glad to see there is hope
ReplyDeleteHi girls, I just want to say that I feel trapped and punished for something I did not do. He's a wonderful man, but society likes living his past and not his present. I wish the laws bent a bit so we could live a normal life. Plz if somebody feels like me, contact me desi1565@hotmail.com , plz I really need friends going through the same situation, to figure out how to live this without feeling so much stigmatized. Thanks
ReplyDeleteI need someone as well to communicate with as I am going through the same thing! It's a never-ending rollercoaster and we have just begun. It would be nice to have someone to relate to!
DeleteHave been looking for a support site like this. My husband is a RSO. He did his time, probation and has been out for around ten years. I recently found proof that he has slid back into his addiction. Told him he needed to get treatment or get out. He put out a so so effort. Got into marriage counseling. After separate sessions the counselor is going to try to get him into a specialist. She feels if he doesn't he will end up in trouble again. She was upset that in his year long mandated counseling when he was released he wasn't given the tools to set up his safety net or have an accountability network. Right now he is not admitting he has an addiction, and my session with her, she has told me I may have to make some hard choices. Sooo, I'm trying to prepare both paths and see my choices. Our family.has been through a lot and while we could use the support I have traveled this road and maybe can give support in return.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, it's really comforting to know there are other woman out there, who are going through the same thing I am. My soon to be husband is a RSO. His first charge happened when he was very young, and he told me about it almost immediately after meeting him 5 years ago. When we began dating, he expressed to me his addiction, and I stood by his side and supported him in getting the help he needed. A few months ago, I woke up to the FBI knocking on our door, and taking him away for the one thing he told me he would never do again. At first, I was angry. Oh, so angry. My blood was boiling with the heat of the worst kind of betrayal. After a while, I realized I loved him, and even through my anger, I knew I was going to be there to support him, if he continued on the road towards "recovery". It was just in my nature to help. I love this man with every inch of my soul. The people closest to me respect and completely support my decision. They love him like family, and are also very involved in his recovery. My mother, however, is not. She can't seem to see passed his addiction, and views him as a monster (even if she says she doesn't see him that way, her actions speak for themselves).
ReplyDeleteI guess, what I was looking for was something to tell me I wasn't the only woman who stayed. To know I wasn't making a huge mistake by loving, and staying with a RSO. The world makes them look like monsters, and it's nice to see I am not the only one who looks a little deeper.
I have to say, it's really comforting to know there are other woman out there, who are going through the same thing I am. My soon to be husband is a RSO. His first charge happened when he was very young, and he told me about it almost immediately after meeting him 5 years ago. When we began dating, he expressed to me his addiction, and I stood by his side and supported him in getting the help he needed. A few months ago, I woke up to the FBI knocking on our door, and taking him away for the one thing he told me he would never do again. At first, I was angry. Oh, so angry. My blood was boiling with the heat of the worst kind of betrayal. After a while, I realized I loved him, and even through my anger, I knew I was going to be there to support him, if he continued on the road towards "recovery". It was just in my nature to help. I love this man with every inch of my soul. The people closest to me respect and completely support my decision. They love him like family, and are also very involved in his recovery. My mother, however, is not. She can't seem to see passed his addiction, and views him as a monster (even if she says she doesn't see him that way, her actions speak for themselves).
ReplyDeleteI guess, what I was looking for was something to tell me I wasn't the only woman who stayed. To know I wasn't making a huge mistake by loving, and staying with a RSO. The world makes them look like monsters, and it's nice to see I am not the only one who looks a little deeper.
I am so relieved that I found this site and that I am not alone. I love my husband and believe that he was wrongly accused and convicted. He is currently in prison and being targeted by other inmates. I am stressed and worried all the time that I am going to get a phone call saying that he is gone. On top of all the other worries that a wife of a RSO has to endure. Anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found Not the Life too and that you feel relieved and comforted as some others have said. I don't know about you but I was silenced and isolated for a long time, first within my family (Never "tell" family business, especially if "telling" meant telling what my father was up to) Then I was isolated in my marriage and didn't see what my own husband was up to.. and the wives of Sex Offenders who come out in the open (or who find out when there is a "knock at the door" ) are often blamed etc. It sometimes seems like we are put down almost as much or more than the sex offender in our lives. I have decided that Breaking the Silence and becoming Visible (after being invisible most of my life) is worth the risk since it helps me and others to know we are not alone. We are going through many of the same "trials" etc and unless we (I) speak out I will just repeat and repeat all the old hurts and get nowhere. And, with 175,000 registered Sex Offenders on the National Registry and even more "unreported and unregistered" there have got to be a lot of us/families/victims and offenders out here struggling with the results of bigotry and silence and unresolved issues from the past and from now...My brothers were molested and have struggled all their lives with those emotional issues. At least 1/3 of men who go on to molest others were molested as children and girls or boys, if we don't all begin the conversation about the issue of child sexual abuse we will simply repeat the past over and over and each of us have so much to offer in "solving" this problem in our own families, in our relationships and in society. Listing 175,000 names and sending so many to prison where they are abused themselves, then mandating "ineffective" therapy and constant supervision does nothing to help the real problem which in my opinion is that we really have to figure out how to help children and I too come here for comfort and help and to know that I am not alone (even though I co-blog Not the life with Evie) but I also think as we find each other and break this oppressive silence we all live under we will find ways to become visible and our experience may contribute to stopping this tragedy in younger generations. Janet Mackie
ReplyDeleteI think I have a unique case,you granddaughter told meyou husband wasmolesting her 10 yrs ago , when I wanted to call the police she cried and asked me not to . My daughter andyou some in law where going through a divorce at that time.
DeleteI approached my husband who admitted to the abuse . For her safety I asked him to leave because she didn't want me to lay charges, however a few yrs later , he returned after having a heart attack, which required bypass surgery and I felt that he needed help to recover.
I was concerned about my granddaughter safety, with much reassurance from him that he would not cross that line again he stayed .Time and time again I would ask if all was ok being afraid that he would harm her again, but she said all was well. They were close and she would likesing this praises to everyone.
Gradually I started to believe all was going ok and he truely changed.
Then she completed her formal schooling went on a short break to her aunt
I received a call from my daughter, tell me that her dad has been sexualy abusing my granddaughter for the past 10 yrs .
my life is in turmoil, I'm am not young anymore 60yrs , my husband is 75 yrs , why did she wait until we this age .
Couldn't she tell me at least 8yrs ago when I asked is all ok .
She knew that I would have done anything for her, I did it before, why wait till now , I'm confused and angry . She laid charges against him , he hasn't been officially arrested because of his underlying health conditions.
What do I do
My family has been torn apart my both daughters aren't speaking to me including my granddaughter
My husband, who is and has been the sole provider is still working and has moved out
I have turned to God for guidance and answers. I haven't told anyone who will support me emotionally. So this platform that I just discovered seems to be my only place to tell my story and not be judged
Yes my husband is in prison for sexual battery of a child, it is strange, they ruin the family's life with these laws. It is a myth that child molesters always do it again, burglary, all drug convictions, forgery the list goes on, even murder has a higher incident of re offending. They made these laws to say they are tough on crime but little to no thought went into them. They are really just tough on families. Yes my family has disowned me, My friends want me to divorce. I have no support. I am terrified of the future. Can I support us? We do need to speak out this is wrong. I have a right to live in peace free from harm
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you - the laws are need of serious revision, to say the least. Sometimes, in our case, it is simply the word of a teenager against another, with no physical proof, no investigation, nothing - just one persons word against another. It is vindictive lies from troubled teens like this that can ruin a mans (and his families) life forever. I feel like I'm living out a Lifetime movie. But how do we get past the enigma of sex offenders? They are basically guilty until proven innocent (but there's no way to prove innocence because it's one person's word against the other - whoever the jury believes) so there is absolutely no justice. It is devastating for everyone involved. I don't know where to begin.
DeleteI completely agree with you - the laws are need of serious revision, to say the least. Sometimes, in our case, it is simply the word of a teenager against another, with no physical proof, no investigation, nothing - just one persons word against another. It is vindictive lies from troubled teens like this that can ruin a mans (and his families) life forever. I feel like I'm living out a Lifetime movie. But how do we get past the enigma of sex offenders? They are basically guilty until proven innocent (but there's no way to prove innocence because it's one person's word against the other - whoever the jury believes) so there is absolutely no justice. It is devastating for everyone involved. I don't know where to begin.
ReplyDeleteThese situations are so hard. I am in the waiting stage, waiting to find out the charges, waiting even longer for sentencing. I am thankful I have a few friends and family that are standing by my decision. I am not sure I am ready to talk about my situation in a forum anyone can read, but could also use someone to talk to that has been through all of this. My partner did not molest any children, but he had been struggling for a long time with an addiction to child porn. I truly believe it will never become a real life thing, and I truly believe my 2 daughters are totally safe with him, but how do I get through societies hate? How do I survive while he is in jail?
ReplyDeleteIt seems that you and I are in a very similar place. I know that I would live to have someone who understands to wade through the muck of emotions and politics with. Who knows, maybe we can actually help one another? My email for if you or anyone else would like to reach out, is ockonook.orchard@gmail.com
DeleteI have been where you are - in the waiting stage, sentencing stage, etc. My husband was falsely accused of statutory rape and is now serving a 10 year sentence. I am thankful for the friends and family that have stuck through this with us, but it is nice to be able to talk to others who are experiencing the hell these accusations, charges, sentences, etc. can put you through. I have found that charges of these kind are exempt from "innocent until proven guilty" - and the stigma of being or loving a sex offender is incomprehensible to some people. I believe in my husband but not in the justice system. I am trying to stay strong but sometimes it is so hard.
DeleteI too am the wife of a convicted 4th degree felon child sex offender and RSO. The man, who I thought was perfect, my soul mate and love of my life, hid a Drop Cam in my 11 turning 12 year old daughter's room and proceeded to live stream pictures of her for his own personal pleasure. The day she told me about the camera, I confronted him and had him arrested. I never felt such such horror, betrayal, and guilt all at once in my life.
ReplyDeleteThat was two years ago and while I know I will never take him back, I will never trust him again, I have been able to forgive him. What I struggle with now is leaving him, divorcing him He is not allowed contact with my daughter nor me, he is very manipulative and controlling while coming across as quiet, unassuming and simply brilliant, introverted. A very enlightening study for me has been on Trauma Bonding. The no contact has been refreshing and allowed me to think clearly without outside noise creating self-doubt.
But still, I need help learning how to leave. It's all so hard and most definitely not a place I ever dreamed I would ever be. I waited 14 years before marrying after leaving my first marriage that was very abusive, refused to marry my youngest daughter's father or have anything to do with him because I knew it would not be good....I even knew my husband for 10 years before i would even date him. I thought I had done it right this time.
But here I am rambling on a site I ran across hoping to find someone who can relate. I've lost so many friends, people just don't want to talk about this. Many of our friends even got mad at me for turning him in....were naked pictures of a 12 year old girl really that bad???? WHAT? That wasn't even the tip of the iceberg for God's sake. They were more worried that this World-reknown scientist and lecturer was being brought down, forget the child. Nobody once even thought about the me, his wife, and what has been brought upon me, not to mention the other children, and his 91 year old father. But I carry on. I'm just so mad, sad, and thankful for somewhere to rant.
Life is good and I am blessed with a amazing daughter who appears to be healing and doing well. We will all keep moving forward and if we look hard enough, we will find beauty where nobody else sees any. Beautiful Blessings to you wonderful ladies.
my e-mail is connorelias1@gmail.com (Janet Mackie) I am writing a memoir about my family. Sex Offender's wife, a daughter's life, a Mother breaking the Silence Beginning the Conversation. I am a mother who was terrified that other people would know, That people would show up and throw rocks (maybe literally) at me/ or fire me or...you know the fears. Then I started to co-blog on Not the Life with Evie Pruett. Now we are also hearing more from many of you and as we find out all of us are more able to be a community of survivors who are transforming our lives. I'm also trying to get the memoir finished and hope it’s read because so many of us try to find each other on the internet and are so relieved to realize we are not alone. With 180,000 SO’s on the registry and 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys reporting they were sexually molested as children, there are a lot of "US" families out here but we have been cowed into silence by our neighbors, by the system by our own fears. I am old (what can they do now? Fire me off social security?) So I just decided I better tell my story and try to speak out for my own family and for all the other families struggling with this. Keep on keeping on. There really is sunshine as well as sorrow. Sunshine always breaks through when I hear from all of you! Janet Mackie I'm not asking you to stop commenting and only use the e-mail. I love it when you comment on the blog and share what you have to say with all of us. We are a community of loving, supportive (opinionated!) WOMEN.
ReplyDeletei was 3months pregnant when i found out my boyfriend is on the sex offender registry here in Texas.. i was in utter shock..then anger took over..then sadness. Now i am trying to understand it all. He has two charges.. one from when he was 11 years old then the second at 15.. We are 26 now and must register until 2027. He was raped by his grandfather and uncle..and in no way am i making excuses for what he has done but it helps me to better understand why .. i would just like to ask you ladies for some feedback.. do you think a person can change? my mother is absolutely mortified in regards to this situation.. i love my family dearly but i love him as well.. how do i know i am making the right decision by staying with him or leaving? i have never been so confused in my life..
ReplyDeleteMy now ex had his first sexual abuse at the age of 5 from the female babysitter. It wasn't a bad or painful experience for him. After that he and other children in the neighborhood were engaged in sex acts with each other. I don't think any of them k ew they were being abused as we associate it with fear and pain. So from an early age this got him attention and opened the idea that underage anything is innocent and ok. It doesn't seem to matter if it's painful or nonpainful it messes people up. What he chooses to do after that is up to him. If he wants to get better then help him seek the help. But the harsh reality is people rarely change and when they do it takes years. You guys are young enough that change is possible. But he and YOU need help.
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DeleteI have just asked my husband to leave as it was confirmed to me that he has molested my 3 nieces that used to live with us about 15 years ago. I always known deep in the pit of my stomach that he had done this. I am also a victim of child sexual abuse, and I chose to ignore this when it happened to my nieces. It's not that I really knew that it was happening - just a horrible feeling that it was going on. One of my nieces reported his abuse the school councillor at the time, but my husband talked his way out of it. I have recently started going to a psychologist and she has told me that it is very common for women to pretend that sexual child abuse it not happening in their home if they have not dealt with their own abuse. I am going through a terrible time at the moment as my sons are not talking to me and have sided with their father. I am totally devastated and am praying the my sons understand why I have asked their father leave and I hope my nieces find it in their heart to forgive me. I could not have gone on pretending that nothing had happened. . I find that I only have contempt for my husband now. I am 57 and have to get on with the rest of my life.
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your stories. I'm on the verge of tears typing this. The confusing feelings mixed with forgiveness and the deep gut feeling of knowing what the person is capable of but not knowing if it will happen again. Mine is a friend, my first and only love. Ours lives split in different directions when we were young. We our lives converged again he was neck deep in a meth addiction. Little did I know that this opened doors for him that changed him to the core. After lies, a prison sentence, reintegrating, trying us again, I can't do it anymore. He has too much damage, too any obsessions, too many lies he tells himself. It hurts so deep down to see a person you've held in your heart for 20 yrs reduce to a shell that acts like a robot. I'm young and 20 yrs is more than half my life. But I'm put in the awful position of making the very hard choice to cut all ties and walk away forever. Even to the point of threatening his freedom just to make sure he gets the very serious point. I can't handle space case, the cold shoulder, the almost bi polar moods. The drugs leave people in a very selfish controlling state of mind. Being clean doesn't stop the rewired thinking. This has been a painful, almost wasted two years. In the end of this I feel hollow, stupid, hurt, tired, frustrated, and so sad. Being the only one facing the reality of who he actually is as opposed to the facade he gives others has been to much of a burden to bear.
ReplyDeleteFrom here on I will keep trying to forgive, understand how good or bad sexual exposure at a young age hurts our thinking, and hope it never happens again. I've found I can't bring myself to trust men. But I've come to peace with being alone. My kids deserve safety and I deserve peace.
Hello, my husband is an RSO. And he's relapsed twice since being in jail. It is a very hard secret to fight by ourselves. Only a handful of people know, and I have never been able to talk about it. I found out while we were dating and we just got married in May. It's hard to sort through All of the emotional baggage that comes with it. And help him with his addiction.
ReplyDeleteBy relapse what do you mean?
DeleteI guess I fall in the third group with a bit of one and two. I have never been so angry, there is no word for the amount that I feel. Also I am so betrayed and ashamed that I was completly fooled for so long. Wives and children of pedophiles are victims too but not seen that way. Being able to read about other peoples' journeys through this is so comforting. Thank you
ReplyDeleteI commented on this blog about six months ago, sating I would definitely leave my husband, that I would never take him back. After almost two years not talking nor seeing him, working through my anger and the betrayal that cut me so deeply - learning why I was so angered and how to forgive, I've come to realize just how much I love my husband and how difficult it is to see the future without him. I've opened my heart enough to talk with him and his state mandated therapist and have decided to join a couples therapy with him, other convicted men who are deemed low on the scale of likely to repeat their offenses as he is, and their wives to see if there is a way I could trust him, that he could ever earn my trust again. I know I want to support him as he is working so very hard in his rehabilitation and I see the progress. He still has far to go, but he has done more that I thought he would. I am inviting my older 3 children and my parents to join us so they can work through their anger and ask questions they have - it was my husband and his therapist's idea. Two of my children have agreed, I'm not certain my son ever will. Prayers please. I'm taking this one day at a time. It is all I can do and all the energy I have right now. "A wife and mother trying very hard to move forward"
ReplyDeleteIve just come across this site and im relieved to hear that there are other ladies out there going through the same my husband was sentenced yesterday for 14 years and he is to do 7 years he has always maintained his inocence and for the last year havent worried one bit bout the court case. I know this woman who accused him and have had dealings with her for the past 12 years when i was with my ex partner she began calling his mobile which then went to phoneing the house at one stage we had to have police officers go to his parents home as she threatened to burn their house down it was a nightmare she then went on to burn my ex partners van then couple days later she was back and threw paint over it then she went down to my mothers and put her windows through tnis caused caos and it ended up in a riot and loads of arrests being made i was charged with an assault on her at the time i was pregnant with my daughter who sadly died myself and my ex partner split up after years of abuse sexual and mental i cant say how it happend but i found myself in a relationship with his brother and we have been together for 3 loverly years he has helped me heal then last year the same girl went to police and told them that my new man had raped her it was historic abuse i have and will remain to stand by him he was found guilty and sentenced to 14 years imprison he has been so calm all the way through this and still remains im a true believer in gut feelings but not once have i tnought maybe my partner was in a relationship with this girls mum and was able to tell the courts all bout his life and what he was working at where he was working as anyond who had been around at the time would know however why wait 20 years before going to police and why all the hatred towards my ex partner and yet my new pattner only lived 2 minutes away if he had done these thibgs then why didnt she aim all her aggression on him i cant believe what has happend she was found to be lieing she admitted in court that she had told one of the whitnesses what to say other whitnesses were foubd to be lieing vehicles that she mentioned were proved not to have been in his possesion and yet he was found guilty i will stand by my man as i know hand on heart he didnt do it sorry this is long but i needed to rant im broken hearted it just dont make sence
ReplyDeleteHow can some of you people be so selfish? You think molesting children is just no big deal because you love your spouse? You don't think it's sick and disgusting that not only did your spouse cheat on you, but they get their rocks off to children? How do you live with yourselves? This isn't about forgiveness of a mistake; this is about many of you being too insecure, afraid, and feeling too old to start over. And many of these men have admitted to these atrocities and you still don't care?! Unbelievable. Next time you're looking into the eyes of your child molesting spouse you can't handle leaving, look deep into his eyes and envision all those sick and disgusting sexual acts he committed on a child for his pleasure. If you can't leave after really grasping that, you're just as sick as he is. Molesting a child is not a "mistake." You should feel anguish and despair not over marrying a sexual predator, because how could you have known initially, but for choosing to stay with one. Reprehensible and vile.None of you should have had children if you choose to stay married to someone who destroyed a child's innocence.
ReplyDeleteChildDefender, it is obvious that you haven't looked into this site much. This is not a site that supports child abuse. This site does not encourage women to stay with child abusers. This site is written by women whose lives have been torn apart by child abusers. We are quite aware of the horror and tragedy of it all. You are like a rubbernecker who drives by the scene of a car accident, yelling obscenities at the victims who are bloodied and bruised. The women who end up on this blog did not choose to be in this situation (you may have noticed the title of the blog). They come to this blog insecure and afraid (as you pointed out), but they have great potential to be strong advocates for their children. In fact, if these women can get back on their feet again and find their voice, they can be an important influence in a community, bringing wisdom and insight where others - those who have had the fortune to avoid child abuse - may be naive of danger. They need a space where it is safe to be vulnerable and confused so that they can heal. Give them that gift and they will have a better chance to care for their children, to provide for them, and make the best decisions. If you care about the welfare of their children, you will give them that. But these women can never do anything if you tear them apart. I am leaving your comment on this thread so all the women here can see what I think of your immature and hateful rant. If you post anything else here that is not respectful to the women of this community, I will delete it.
DeleteShock, fear and anger drove me away, but seriously prayerful contemplation of those 26 year old vows settled in my heart and mind. "For better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." I promised God when I said "I do"... I can stand a little bit of one at a time, I reasoned. But what do you do if you feel like you're dealing with worse, poorer, sickness? My answer has to be the same, "I still do."
ReplyDeleteSo here I am on this lonesome, narrow road. I've lost family, friends, a home and a church. The future is scarily unknown, but God is near to the brokenhearted.
For all those wives out there living the life they don't deserve, remember Romans 5 where hope is preceeded by trials, perseverance, and character. Hope and character are growing in our trials.
Persevering together gals!
Grace and peace,
Page
Shock, fear and anger drove me away, but seriously prayerful contemplation of those 26 year old vows settled in my heart and mind. "For better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part." I promised God when I said "I do"... I can stand a little bit of one at a time, I reasoned. But what do you do if you feel like you're dealing with worse, poorer, sickness? My answer has to be the same, "I still do."
ReplyDeleteSo here I am on this lonesome, narrow road. I've lost family, friends, a home and a church. The future is scarily unknown, but God is near to the brokenhearted.
For all those wives out there living the life they don't deserve, remember Romans 5 where hope is preceeded by trials, perseverance, and character. Hope and character are growing in our trials.
Persevering together gals!
Grace and peace,
Page
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteChildDefender posted a second hateful and hurtful comment after being warned in a previous thread not to do that (see in the comments above), so I deleted it as promised.
DeleteChildDefender was a victim of child abuse and obviously is concerned that the women on this site will not prioritize their children and keep them safe. I would like you all to prove ChildDefender wrong.
ChildDefender also believes that this website is full of women will stay with their child abuser partners, thus encouraging child abuse. Well, I will not try to count and measure the amount of women who come to this site who will "stay" with their partners. There is too great of a range of situations - not all are like mine and not all are like the situation that ChildDefender was abused in. There is also too great a variation in the meaning of "stay" - is it staying in written or phone contact, staying in marital contract, staying in the same household, staying in religious obligation, staying in friendship, staying in prayerful support, staying in "I promise not to murder you on sight" agreement, or any other shade of the term? Do I even need to point out that there is a great range of types of child abusers and too great a range of recidivism? No, I don't need to go there because any sensible person can see that there are just too many variations on this story to make a blanket statement about what all women should do . . . However, I want all readers to know that I will not tolerate excuses, support, or down-playing of child abuse on this site. I don't want anyone to be confused about that. I'm afraid I've been gone too long and I may be out-of-touch with all of the comments that have built up here, but, within my capacity, I will remove or rebuke any comments along those lines.
I want this blog to promote a better place, for us, for our children, and for our society. Altruistic, I know, but you can't survive a blog like this by being any other way.
Your statement "staying" with the law, "I promise not to murder you on site" is a very legitimate statement. In fact, there is a true crime show called "How Not to Murder Your Husband" because if you decide to divorce your sex offender rather than murder him, you are a law abiding citizen! There are many, many cases where people have murdered a spouse rather than take the legitimate path of divorce.
DeleteI am in a situation where my ex exposed himself to a neighbor by ringing her door bell in the middle of the night and when she opened the door he was star naked. This was after a day of making obscene phone calls to her. I was eight months pregnant and out of state at a family member's funeral. Our marriage ended then and there, and later one of my children implied that either her step father (the man above) or her biological father molested her. She did not specify which. She thinks I new about it and let it go on. She said she had fantasies where she wished she could "kill me and get away with it." So, she and I have no contact and I am hard pressed to find out more details, though I did speak to a therapist about it, and hopefully she fulfilled her mandated reporter duties and put my ex under investigation, but I do not now. The situation has absolutely torn me and my side of the family apart, whereas everyone in his side of the family, along with my children, stick by him!
Getting back to the point, I saw a recipe for disaster. One of us could have killed each other. In fact, after the divorce, he beat someone up with a baseball bat and put his victim in the E.R. for four days. I saw tragedy looming ahead, and no one at all gives me any credit for averting tragedy, I really think women need to recognize themselves as assets and as people who deserve credit. Being a wife, mother and home maker does not come with a pay check. You deserve CREDIT and don't let anyone deny it.
Thanks, Evie. You are correct in recognizing the fact that there are degrees of "staying", just as there are degrees of abuse which none of us condone. The fact remains that sin doesn't occur in a vacuum, and so we wives are affected too, hence the purpose of this blog.
ReplyDeleteBeing married to a sex offender sucks. Especially one like mine. He got statutory when he was 19 (the girl was 14, the other 15) He is now 38. But he's an emotional zombie, doesn't really know how to show love or even really relate to other people. We are so restricted as to where we can and can't live, I've lost so many friends because of his background. I feel like I'm being punished every day for what HE did long ago. I have days when I ask myself if this marriage is really even worth it. I have feelings for my husband but I cannot say I'm in love with him because I don't believe I am. I feel so much anger and resentment towards him because my life is shaped by his past. He's never really made me feel loved even tho he says it all the time. Maybe his 9 years in prison ruined him idk, but he's just the type that he doesn't care about much it's always "whatever makes me happy". I think about divorce and I feel guilty, this would be my 4th divorce (the other 3 either cheated on me or beat me, I really know how to pick them)
ReplyDeleteI am thinking that after two failed marriages (both because of sexual deviance- the second was a total porn addict) and me deciding to stay single that I have the realization that this trauma prevents me from taking care of unfinished business. I finally got to a therapist and on meds (Gabapentin- a great mood stabilizer and up lifter not like Xanax or Valium) and little by little I am taking care of unfinished business. My next important business that I have been procrastinating on is calling my old therapist and asking her if she utilized her mandated reporter responsibility to report my first husband. I will call her. I will get on this. He MUST get caught. He has destroyed my life and I have been suffering horribly since 1991 when we got divorced and the Clinton's came on to the political scene and started making new laws and regulating family court. My divorce was before Clinton made new laws about child support, but for years Hillary Clinton herself persecuted me for not paying child support. It was in my divorce decree specifically that I did not have to pay child support (I gave my ex custody before my daughter told me about the molestation- and he did not have custody of her, I did, after the divorce. He had custody of our three other children). I was unable to move on, heal, get a college degree, etc. I had my own house keeping business but it only took care of my own household. There was nothing left over. The Clintons kept the wound open and bleeding. They threatened to take my pass port away. All I wanted to do was get away from this bastard of a husband and heal. The court refused to honor my divorce decree. I feel lie I have been tortured for years and I believe a lot of that is because I MUST take care of unfinished business. So glad the Clintons are not in office anymore!
DeleteEDIT/UPDATE I wrote the post above about unfinished business and called my old therapist right after. She said because my daughter is now an adult she will have to report the sexual abuse herself. That's a good thing because she keeps blaming me and thinking I knew about it when I DID NOT KNOW!
DeleteI have you all to know I'm the daughter of a sex offender who my dad sexual abused me my own farther and now and for the last 20 yrs I've been the one paying the price my father never had to do any time or anything they told me I was a kid who was mad and told a lie I have the who world to know I was and still am telling the truth I was put in foster care lived with family on I was 16 when I moved out on my own my father had been having sexual inter course with me far as long as I could remember he once told me to show my mom what I was doing to my self and beat me after I did I believe I was 4 at this time as the yes went on I had my 8 th birthday not a party no my dad was out side drinking jack and said I want to talk to you as we were talking he turned to me and said child I never ment to hurt you this is what my dad did to me I cont...
ReplyDeletethink that's why I'm doing it to u I tasked him why do u want to hurt me like that he said never tell a sole I didn't he would tell me that he would kill my sister and my mom if I ever told well at the age of 10 the whole time many of yrs he never stopped hr would wait till my mom or sister was asleep or gone to the store he would say now she don't need to go I need her help to cut trees or clear lumber instead he wouldn't do that I would cry my eyes out to go with my mom when she would leave but I never got to go NEVER !!! well my grandfather was really sick with cancer that following Dec. So we moved in with my grandparents to help take care of them I thought it was all over I prayed that my grandpa's would live for yrs so we wouldn't have to go back home in cont...
ReplyDeleteJan hospis was called in one night in the kitchen my dad told me well your grandpa will be dead so so when we go home I will be able to tickle you more that's what he called it was tickling me well he was right my grandpa did pass in Feb and that was the last draw for me so one night at home my dad told my mom that he had been cheating on her with my moms best friend well then my mom was mad ofcourss she was going to leave him and leave me there with him I told my self hell no not this time and I didn't know when my mom would be back for me as my mom was walking out the door that night I yelled to her DONT LEAVE ME MOMMY PLEASE HES BEEN MESSING WITH ME HAVING SEX AND TUCHING ME PLEAES MOMMY DONT LEAVE ME THIS TIME I WAS SCARED !!!! He told me if I ever told he would kill all of use well of course my mom was question him she said u even touch ur own daughter not only cheated with my best friend buy ur own daughter well that night I went to the police station with my mom and the question me ect.... But no nothing ever happened to him my mom left him for about 2 months while everything was being investigated the end of the 2 months my mom wanted to be back with my dad and now I'm left alone she puts me in states custody and told the courts I wanted to tell them I lied about all of it BC I was mad at my dad for cheating on my mom ..... The truth is I thought that was a he perfect time to tell my mom and she would be live me charges never got brought on him he has never had to spend any time in jail he has never had to reg. He has been a free man all these yrs and I have been the one who had to pay I never like to be around a man at work school church or anything like that alone going shopping for food was a chanage when I got older now I've met a man and he is paying the price right along with me BC I will not let my 3 girl stay with him alone I will not sleep some nights BC I'm scared they maybe something like that will happened to them I know he's a great daddy I know that he would never but I still have fears my girls have been invited for sleep over I will not let them go my husband is a great man I've told him what I went threw as a child and he has cried right along with me I've had night terrors I prayed so hard for boys all 3 times I got pregnant BC I was scared for a girl to be done like I was . my mom asked my can't we see the girls I said u can but he cant she is still on his side about everything I've gotten drunk and called her threw out the yrs and Ive told her things he would do to me how when where and everything she still tells me I'm just saying that because I'm mad at her for choosing him .... I wish that my mom would belive me just once there's a lot more to my storie I left out but I told you all the main things that's why when I read and looked up this page I was searching for answers on why my mom chose my dad over me I'm 30 now and I still cry at night I never know what a normal live is BC of what my blood dad did to me ... I've been looking for answers for yrs and now I have 3 girls of my own how do I truest in anyone I have to protect them !!!there's 3,scectionts to my stories on here
ReplyDeleteThere is a sex crimes unit in law enforcement. I used it once to report a 33 yr old man having sex with my 16 year old daughter. That man was prosecuted. Don't report it to the police. Google how to report a sex crime.
DeleteI think I fall into the last category. I am angry but I do care for him as a person. I realize things aren't always black and white and he has his own set of struggles to go through. I feel so betrayed by his actions though, I can't fathom how he could do acts like that with a child. It goes thru my head why didn't he want me? Why wasn't I good enough? I thought those acts were sacred between us. I keep trying to move forward and go on with my life just telling myself I'm ok, but I don't think I am. I'm not sure how to deal with all these emotions or even where to start.
ReplyDeleteHello I am from InsideEdition.com
ReplyDeleteIf anyone is interested about speaking further on this. Email me at maya.chung@cbs.com
Even though you wrote this message in 2016 I have sent you an email about my experience trying to avert what I perceived to be an impending tragedy. I left the sexual abuser and was persecuted by the court for DECADES over the court's perception of "abandonment" all thanks to Hillary Clinton's policy to "stand by your man" no matter what ind of pervert he is. I hope you will respond.
DeleteMy husband is in prison for sexual assault. He cheated on me with an older woman. She wanted a relationship with him and he told her it was just a mistake. Long story short, she went to the hospital several times due to a long list of health issues that she lies about. She tells everyone that she has Lupus. I found out in the discovery that they tested her several times for lupus and it was negative. It was her second trip to the hospital when she cried rape. The Dr. Took it lightly because of her constantly going to the hospital. I know all this because I have all the dvd interrogation footage and the discovery.I went through several times. The police department called him and he went down willingly but without a LAWYER! Big mistake. He admitted to having sex which was all they needed to convict. This woman has showed up to my house three times, message me a thumbs up on fb, has been charged with burglary and tries to friend all his relatives on fb. Yet this is not enough to prove its all a lie. They had no DNA, nothing. Just him admitting to having sex. She even tried contacting him and no one cares. He is serving two and a half years, three years parol and megans law fifteen to life. The crappy lawers said he got off good because he was facing seven years. I have two small children. My son was Three when he went away and my daughter was five months old. We want to work this out but I'm afraid my kids will be punished for his "mistakes". It has taken a huge toll on my son who will soon be four. Not only did his father go away but his grandfather died (husbands father) in the first two months of incarceration. Yoga, meds and an awesome therapist helped us get back on track the best I can. In fact my therapist recommended I find a support group and I'm so happy to find this group.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to 'the eye within the hurricane.' I hope you find help and a chance to breathe here on Not the Life I Chose. Whatever your decisions we support your right to chose what's best for you going forward. Take Care JanetM
ReplyDeleteI have been in the angry group for a year and a half. I don't think I'll ever leave it. If he was on fire, I wouldn't waste my time to piss on him.
ReplyDeleteSorcomm.net
ReplyDeleteI checked this out (sorcomm.net) this is what I found.
DeleteAfter all the discussion about finding help in a frightening world, this seems worth checking out. (Thank You whoever left the link)
A Community of Sex Offenders and families of offenders sharing knowledge and information to overcome the obstacles in our lives and become stronger and better people. It is our belief that we can best help society by seeking healthy alternatives to cope with situations that eluded us in the past. Our approach is similar to 12 step groups, simply one offender helping another to remain Safe in our Communities while rebuilding our lives. Our on-line Sex Offender discussion forums are here for us to share and obtain knowledge to enrich ourselves.
Sex Offenders, by the very nature of our past behavior, must remain vigilant throughout our lives. We who have been given a second chance in society choose to honor that privilege by striving to live a safe and productive life. The alternative is a life in prison and another broken victim. Neither is acceptable.
This site is specifically for Registered Sex Offenders and Individuals that will be charged and classified as a Sex Offender, and their Parents/Partners. We also encourage other individuals such as attorney's, therapists and community leaders that can offer hope, encouragement and or services.
Because the content is sensitive NO ONE under the age of 18yrs of age is allowed access.
Hi i married a sex offender and we had his case relooked at and i know he not guilty. I stand by his side but people treat me bad they dont want to help me. You can choose who you fall in love with. It takes a special person to stand by a sex offender. We have death threats on us we get treated unfairly. I get treated bad by agencies and people. I love him but i dont have friends no body wants be our friend i allways have to hide him off the lease until they find out he here and then i got to move or be threaten with eviction. He never abused me he good to me he did his time why are we toucher can anyone tell me how you find housing and Anyone in spoakne wa and even through sex offender can live anywhere no body rent to us. Any advice will be helpful
ReplyDeleteHi, welcome to Not the Life. We are your friends. You have found a place of shelter and understand among other women who are experiencing the same shame, blame and disrespect we all experience. It doesn't matter whether the person you love (and stand by) was fairly or unfairly convicted. All people need to hear is 'sex offender' and their reaction is the same. A couple of things: 1) you said you have had his conviction looked at (but for some reason, probably 'legal' you are still dealing not only with the label sex offender but with the effects of injustice. You might like to read the book: To prove his Innocence. To my way of thinking they proved Nolan Klein's innocence but didn't succeed in freeing him because of corruption within the legal system. It might make you and your husband feel less alone to read the book. As for your neighbors and the problem of even finding a safe place to live, maybe there is a chapter of Women Against Registry in your state. This is an organization of family members of 'Registrants" fighting against what they call 'collateral damage' caused by people's prejudiced attitudes toward the families of people convicted (fairly/ unfairly ) of sexual abuse. There are other groups Cure-Sort for example. I hope someone reading this might know know of resources or friends living near you in Spokane Wa. In my experience, it's the loneliness that gets to all of us. That's why Evie Pruitt and I keep this website going so women just like us have somewhere to go for support in the storm of prejudice and bigotry against us and against the sex offenders we love and stand by. If you read through the posts on Not the Life you might at least know you (and your husband) are not alone. There are a lot of us out here. After all with more than 800,000 names on the Registry nationwide, there really are many many of us out here (after all there are 800,000+ names on the Registry, nationwide) but we afraid to speak up because of the often viscous backlash against us and our loved one. Homelessness is no joke. I'm glad you found us. Maybe some else in Spokane Wa knows of resources they've located an could share those on Not the Life? You might be able to contact Women Against Registry or Cure-Sort/ RAINN to find resources or actually people/ support groups locally. Anyone else have resources they can suggest? Don't despair. We understand and we care about you both. Take care, Janet Mackie
ReplyDeleteI am in a very delicate situation with my husband who is a registered sex offender, and I am in the "Denial group". I have a one year old who is not biologically his; however, he is raising him as his own and has been the only dad my son knows. Our marriage has been miserable and it is taking its toll, so I don't want to continue our marriage. I am hesitant to file for divorce because we had to go to court to receive special permission to allow him to be around our son, so I am afraid that he will lose his rights to see our son. He is a great father, but it is a dead marriage that is beyond repair. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
ReplyDeleteAna, "sure things/ words to say to magically 'validate' your spouse may not be appropriate in this situation. She's decided to get a divorce but wants him to be able to continue a relationship with their child but the court might not see it that way since he's got history/ on the registry... I'm not sure she's asking how to magically 'transform your marriage in minutes." You don't seem to be at all 'in the same situation" and that's the woman/ persoon. She says her marriage is dead. That's her decision. The only thing she asks about is how to protect his relationship with his n she's asking to hear from...in what I agree is a very delicate situation given the realities of his situation.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure 'how your husband didn't do those things" What are the those things you are referring to when you say how supportive you and your whole family are of him? If he's actually innocent, that's great. If he's chosen to change and is a former offender that's wonderful. He deserves support. However...
DeleteI just posted (today 9/10/18) on Not the Life about how my ex husband died still trapped in his denial and still blaming others and how those family members who believed him instead of the person/s he molested are still divided and still trying to protect his 'image' even after his death. I think even if he'd wanted to tell the truth/ change/ help heal himself and those he damaged he could NOT, did not dare, because he'd have had to tell his 'protectors' that he'd lied to them all along and he was afraid they would turn on him, attack him/ abandon him because they'd realize he had made fools of his die hard protectors who sacrificed a lot for him. He painted himself into a corner and eventually he was stuck even if he'd wanted to tell the truth, how could he?
My situation is probably similar to others. My (soon to be ex) husband was accused of having sexual chats online with a 12 year old girl. He told me that he was sure he was speaking to an adult male pretending to be a child and that he thought it was funny at the time and was just goofing around. He said that she offered to meet and offered pictures and he refused both. He spoke to this person several times and all the conversations were sexual. I am without a doubt in the third group. When he was released after questioning I made it clear that this was not fixable and he needed to go before anything went public. I was not about to have his name and address posted in the paper with what he may be charged with. I have made a request to change my name and even though I will remain in the family house for the time being, I don't intend to stay long. We were married for 19 years, and while I want to believe him, it would make sense of a lot of his behaviour over the years and answer a lot of questions. I don't want to think that I was once in love with someone who could even have those thoughts let alone act on them. Maybe that makes me in the denial category. I'm not sure to be honest, all I know is that this whole experience has turned my life upside down. He is still waiting to hear if he will be charged and the police still have all our computers and phones checking them for evidence. I honestly don't know where I can turn for support, nobody wants to be sympathetic to a paedophiles wife or even ex wife. I feel very much like I have been abandoned by friends and family even though I made the decision to divorce him as soon as the police left my house. I feel very selfish because I do understand that this one stupid event will almost certainly ruin his entire life, but I feel very much like it is going to ruin my too, and I didn't do anything. I don't know that there is any point to posting this, maybe some sort of cathartic release or something. I would just like to say that it is helpful to know that I'm not alone and that there are other women out there who can understand what I'm going through. I'm not really the "victim type" and I don't want pity but support would certainly be helpful
ReplyDelete!st Reviewer isn't welcome to post sarcastic memes here.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletei never believe there will ever be a solution to my relationship problem with my lover. my lover called Michael Moore threw me out of his house and brought in another lady who he now feels the only best for him. until one day i receive a phone call from a friend in the city that my man is going out on a date with another woman in town, i told her i am also surprise too, because since smith Moore has left me he hardly think nor call me. so after some few days my friend called Lucy called me and told me that she has found a man that is very powerful, and he is a great herbalist from Africa, truly we all knows that Africans are blessed with so much herbal voodoo powers which they use to help much people, so he told me that the man name is Great Matatan a powerful spell, that she will forward his email address for me so that i can contact him for help, so truly she sent me Great Matatan email ( matatanspell@yahoo.com . ) address and i contacted him that faithful day. he mailed me after a great while that my man will be back to me if only i believe on his work,so after 2 days i receive a phone call from sam Michael , and he started begging that i should please forgive him against all he had done to me.. he begged me of breaking my heart and letting the other lady a new heart. he promise me never to let go. now i and Smith Moore are now planning to get married as soon as possible. we are brought back with the great powerful love spell and blinded with Great Matatan powerful Spell , we are happy and glad. so i thank you sir for the great help you offer to me, because i think today this might be the only ways and means i can ever thank you of your work.. i am glad. you can contact him for a love spell today at: ( matatanspell@yahoo.com . )
Sheila...you are in wrong place. Not the Life I Chose is NOT here for people hawking "love-spells" or (as above) trying to sell Videos of doubtful origin. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE to post please.
DeleteHello friends, I consider myself a lady with a good and caring heart by professtion i'm an Accountant. I have been married for more than 8 years with two children. My relationship with Peter, my husband at first, was sweet, romantic and later it turned into a nightmare, because my husband was cheating on me and was looking for a way to get a quick divorce. we broke up three months ago and I have beg him to come back home but not getting any progress. I loved my husband so much and I do not want to lose him to another lady, I could not have done anything to hurt him or make him feel bad about me ... I just wanted him to come home to love me forever. I explained my situation to a friend at work. My friend LUISA advised me to instead contact the help of a love spell caster called Dr AJAYI from the africa nation with a great power given to him by his ancestors, that he has powerful gifts charm to bring back love and trust in any broken marriage or broken relationship, i believed and i tried and it worked for me, i send an email to Dr AJAYI via his personal email contact (drajayi1990@gmail.com) or his whatsapp number +2347084887094 .. After a few municipalities had replied to my mail, Dr Ajayi told me that he could help me bring back my ex-love with some of my immediate love, I was very happy to find this man to help me, I followed all his instructions carefully, step by step. prayers and incantations that I made myself at home with candles light at night. DR AJAYI told me to do everything at home during the night. I did everything as indicated. it started working for me because a few hours later I received a call from my husband. I was so surprised and shocked that he stopped calling or texting me for 3 months. Now, I immediately perform a love prayer with my husband. Peter came home to apologize to me. I am so happy that the love affair works positively on my husband in two days on his return home. Right now, my husband and I are happier than ever before. I want to thank Dr.AJAYI, great man, for his exceptional talents. At first, I was afraid of doubt, but I try it and it works for my good. I sincerely recommend Dr.AJAYI to anyone looking to re-establish a lost love relationship or love spell in search of the true loving partner.
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to know that people are hurting so badly that they are desperate to get their love lives back. For anyone hurting right now, I want you to worry no more for your Ex lover/partner will come back to you so you can feel whole again and I truly mean that... When my wife left me, Lord Zakuza was the man I contacted that helped me to get my wife back with his powerful spell within 48 hours and I can never forget the day I meant Lord Zakuza for he's spells perform GREAT MIRACLES. Get in touch with Lord Zakuza now for he's like a God on earth that can get your EX lover back within 48 hours with his powerful spell. WhatsApp and text him through this number +1 740 573 9483
ReplyDeleteIgnore Simon Patch and his "lord Z" do NOT call the # this is not what the blog is about for people to hawk their "miracle cures" and scam $$$.
ReplyDelete