No joke. Jake is going to be out on bail any minute now.
Frankly, I'm a little blown away. The judge lowered the bail from $250,000 to $100,000 considering Jake's cooperation and previous good behavior on probation. That is not the part that shocked me though. I figured it didn't matter what the bail was because none of us could afford it. But after the hearing, his parents were having serious discussions about contacting a bondsman. I asked how they were going to pay for it and Big Rev said, "Grandma's paying for it." Jake's Grandma could probably pay the whole bail amount upfront in one check, but I never thought she would. Well, I guess people never cease to amaze.
Jake will have to follow all the restrictions that were a part of his probation terms when he was sentenced last year. He will have very limited places he can go, mainly his family's farm, and will have an ankle monitor. He will be allowed to go to treatment weekly.
I am unsure how I feel about this. I'm a little dismayed. I keep thinking I have a grip on my reality and then it shifts again. I haven't quite learned to embrace the change, I guess. I was getting comfortable with him being in jail. I was in control of everything. I had built-in boundaries that even I couldn't screw up.
I'm trying to remind myself that he will now be able to take back many of the responsibilities that I don't want. He can manage his own bills and business. I can stop wasting my time shoveling his shit, as my mother once said. I should be relieved.
Also, which I maybe should have mentioned first, his accuser was in court today and gave a statement. It hurt to see her. It hurt when she made eye contact with me. I felt like she was seeking some sort of approval from me. I felt like I was supporting the wrong side of the law. Her statement was simple. She just told the judge that she would always struggle with what Jake had done to her and she wants to protect others from the same thing, including me and my children. Honestly, I feel a little disgusted by her bringing my children up - I'm their mother, let me protect them. Mostly though, I felt guilty for supporting the man who hurt her.
After court, in one of the weirdest moments of my life, I drove over to the Social Services office and asked to see Umbridge. I detest this woman, but I didn't know who else to talk to. I told her that I wanted Jake's accuser to know that I'm not against her. I want her to know that she is doing what I would want my daughter or sister or friend to do in her position. I also made it clear to Umbridge that I DO NOT want to communicate or have any kind of relationship with this woman.
Umbridge said, "You want her to know that you're okay with this, right?"
"No, I'm not okay with this. I wish none of it was happening. Just let her know that this isn't her fault and she's not doing anything wrong."
I'm still not sure why I did that. Will I regret it later?
You wrote this over 2 years ago, but as I read your story, 2 years later, I feel it's describing me and my thoughts and emotions.
ReplyDeleteMy niece, a sister of the victim, checked up on me, a week after informing me that my husband had abused her sister 13 years ago.
She said she just wanted to know how I'm doing, since I received the news about my husband... I probably did very wrong, but I told her, he expressed to be greatly repented, ashamed, and sorry for his actions. And he asked if she and her immediate family would allow him to express his deepest apologies. ......
She seemed very upset, that I would even communicate such request to her and made it very clear, it was out of the question. She said she was sorry my husband is a sick dirty monster, and she just worries about my children's and my well being, as long as I'm with him.
This is so recent for me and feel overwhelmed for not knowing or feeling sure of what I'm to do.
When I'm close to him, all I could see is all the good he's shown me including his commitment to change when he realizes he's done wrong, such as the typical life learning lessons. And I know I love him. But the moment were not in the same room, I find myself crying, feeling devastated to have to believe and accept that such allegation actually happened. Then I feel worried and scared of my children's safety. I don't see any danger in him, but I think that's what makes me more scared. Because apparently, when he did what he did to my niece, it was at our small place, and I was always there when she was there, but how did I miss it??? I feel like the worst and most unworthy person to have children. ..... everyone who knows me believes otherwise of me. Almost everyone I know, would want me to be their child care provider.... The thought of all this makes me wonder if I'm suck in the head :(
I myself can't bear the thought of having my children near someone who's done such harm to a child, especially to my family, yet I wonder if I'm sick in love with him, which all thoughts and emotions are suppressed to the unbearable thought of letting him go out of my life for good.
I don't want to give my loved ones the impression that I'm okay with what he did. I don't want my kids to some day in their future believe that it's okay to let anyone get away with such harm caused and at the same time, my heart hurts to think that I have to let the main of my life suffer the consequences in loneliness :(
I feel like I don't understand myself, and am worried, that something needs to be done soon, and my nieces, brought it to my attention so I would be the one to make the decision. I almost feel like they framed me :(
Either way, I feel I'm full of fear. No matter what I do or not do, the results are painful and devastating either way.......
If he is truly sorry and apologetic and wants to be different for himself and for you and your children then HE needs to take responsibility to see a therapist and go to the police if he hasn't already been reported. This is not YOUR burden to bear for everyone. He needs to suffer the consequences in order to change..Talk is cheap. Wait and see if he really does change. In the meantime find someone to talk to yourself. When you say you were there and you did not know, of course I believe you. I didn't know either and since I was molested as a child myself, you would think I would have instantly "seen" what was happening but I did not. .There is a book "Sleeping with a Stranger" that might help. It was a help to me in getting my own life back together. Once that is done, see whether he has done the hard work he promised you he would do. I don't know how old your children are. He will probably be on the Sex Offender Registry and on probation or parole for quite awhile if he is found guilty. And as long as he is he can't live with you as long as your children are at home. Please keep in touch. I really do feel for you and know what you are going through because I have been there. The is no magic wand. But with courage and kindness you can get through all this. There is hope whatever choices you make. You and your children need to come first and HE should support you in that, not expect to be treated like your most important "child" You and your children must come first. (reply by Janet Mackie)
DeleteThank you for your input, Janet. It is very helpful. I will consider all that you've said.
ReplyDeleteSince its such a traumatic experience, I'm taking it one step at a time... I'm not sure that's the right thing to do, but some days, I just find myself with a deep need to try to relax, take a little time for myself, and rest in God, that I might think more clearly of the steps I am to take and be of sound mind as I move on, for the sake of my children.
By the way, my children are 10 and 15.
Thank you again.
Your advice is very helpful.
I found this information, an e-course
ReplyDeleteCreated by the author who wrote the book
"Sleeping with a Stranger"
I signed up to her website and this is some information I've received from her:
♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢
I wrote this ecourse a number of years after I wrote the
book Sleeping With a Stranger about my own experiences.
Be sure to sign up for the only only on-line course for
women who have been married to a child molester:
http://TakeChargeAndMoveOn.com
Pat Wiklund Ph.D.
http://MarriedToChildMolester.com
http://TakeChargeAndMoveOn.com
Patricia Wiklund, Ph.D.
EvenSongPubs
P. O. Box 1249
Kingston, WA 98346
www.EvenSongPubs.com