The following story is from Marie.
"It was 6:30 in the morning, when I
paused in the shower. I couldn't figure out what that sound was. Shampoo still
in my hair, I turned off the water. Down stairs someone yells "Police!
Put your hands up!" There's no time to run across the hallway to grab my
robe. Quickly wrapping myself in a towel, I walk to the top of the stairs.
"I'm coming down. My hands are up!" I descend the first couple of
stairs and I can't count the number of police in the dark. They cuff me
and take me outside into the apartment complex. My husband is
already kneeling on the ground.
After searching the apartment, they take
us back inside. I'm finally escorted back up stairs, and allowed to dress while
being watched by two officers. They bring me back to my husband and sit me
on the couch with him. I smile at him and he smiles back. We laugh a
little bit. What a story we're going to have.
A crazy neighbor had called the cops
on my sister just a couple of weeks before. We were going to have a much better
story, we thought.
But it was only the beginning.
My husband was charged with “luring
a minor for sexual exploitation”. I didn’t even know what that meant. No one
would tell me anything. I was only able to speak with him for a moment after
they questioned him and placed him under arrest. That night he called from
jail, again we spoke briefly. I told him that I was going to love him no matter
what. The next day I read about the arrest in the news. How was it that the reporter
had more information than I did? I posted bail as quickly as I could. When I picked
him up 3 days later, I saw that his wrists were bandaged. During the
questioning the cops had lied to him, telling him how angry I was with him. The
guards at the jail laughed at him when he said that I would bail him out. He
was hopeless, so he tried to commit suicide.
Six months prior my husband had an
online conversation with a cop posing as a minor. He never showed up to meet. But
it didn’t matter, it was the conversation that was illegal.
He’s serving time in jail right now,
after agreeing to a plea bargain. I made a commitment for better or for worse.
And I do love and treasure him, I just never thought it would be like this."
In an update email from Marie:
"My husband has been out of jail for 2 months. It's been hard for
him, but he found us a home church (some place without kids). Through
that he found a job and a marriage counselor for us. But most
importantly he shared his story with the group. He only shared the
details with a few of the men, but it's the honesty that strikes me the
most. He hid his problems with pornography and all the related
issues for years. Finally he's being honest and I believe that if he can
continue to be honest then we can heal and that there is hope. That's
where we're at right now."
Marie is at the beginning of a long journey we all recognize. But let's not predict where this story is going. I am tempted to jump to conclusions, as I'm sure many others are out there. However, Marie's husband is not my husband, so I can't say what kind of man he is nor how this will affect their marriage. This is Marie's life and her choices. God bless you, Marie. Be strong and wise.
The disturbing similarities in my situation are so numerous to Marie's...even to the time of day. I said the same thing - I would always love my husband, I would always stand by him. That was even after he finally told me what was going on. And I felt horrible when I decided to leave him because I couldn't live with the life-long punishments he was going to receive when I did nothing wrong. I was leaving him at the time he needed me most.
ReplyDeleteI've not been one to judge others much because I've worked with many people who have had many stories to tell. But this experience completely opened me up to not judging anyone's decisions, even in similar circumstances. Through a lot of therapy I learned I was codependent on my husband. This didn't mean what happened was my fault or that I was responsible for him. But it meant that I believed I was the only one who could get him through this horrible mess, that I was the only one who would love him enough to still see the good man he is, despite his devastating choices. But it was killing me to stay. When I finally couldn't anymore, I moved back in with my parents...and left him all alone. What a horrible person I was for abandoning him, or so I thought. It took me a while but I finally learned I had some worth too and I deserved to be happy. I didn't have to live with his consequences. It was important for me to remember he wasn't thinking about me when he made his choices. Now I'm not a vindictive or hurtful person. But I needed to learn I was important enough for the person I am married to to put me first. That just didn't happen.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I can understand spousal reactions and decisions along the entire spectrum - from being angry and hating what has been done to their life and family, to being willing to stand by the one they love through thick and thin. It's a very personal decision that has more factors than any outsider could ever imagine, let alone understand. My hope is for anyone in this type of situation to believe that there is no one right answer. There is only what is best for you. And that can also change over time as well.
I fully agree. There is no one right choice and sometimes I think the right choice is what seems right to an individual at certain stages during the process not "one size fits all correct" choice everyone should arrive at. As spouses, girlfriends, mothers, I think there is a difference in what outcome might feel right for us personally and what might be necessary to ensure the protection of a child.
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