As a ghost, I would watch myself in the morning, caring for my 3-week-old, Sabrina, and my 2-year-old, Elise. I was happy that morning. It actually hurts to think how happy I was because so much pain was about to follow.
I can see myself making lunch and I know the phone is about to ring. Jake is about to call and tell me that he was sent home from work. He's going to come home. He's going to sit at the table and lie to me. For his sake, I will be calm. For his sake, I will hug and reassure him while he sobs over the injustice of it (as he makes it out to be).
But, no, the phone hasn't rung yet. I still see myself in calm, happy oblivion. I would like to stand close to that past self of mine and say,
"A storm is coming, but you will be okay.
Just be the honest and upstanding person you always aim to be.
You will make it to the other side, I promise."
As the phone rings, as I watch myself reach out to pick up the receiver, I want to give myself permission,
"It is okay to doubt him. It is okay to question him.
It is okay to be mad at him.
Trust your gut that he is not innocent.
You don't have to stand by him."
Mere hours after that phone rings, that past version of me will fear that she will lose her children. I want to reassure her,
"The few who doubt your good motherhood will quickly reverse their opinions. Everyone will agree that your babies belong to you and you to them."
As she shivers in bed with one arm wrapped around each baby, afraid that if she lets them go or closes her eyes they might disappear, I'd like to say,
"Sleep, sleep, you are safe, they are safe. Years of happy mothering are still ahead of you."
As she finally falls into a restless sleep, I would like to send her one last message:
"You fear losing your partner in life, but he never was the man you hoped he was. You will suffer pain and loss, but the hidden blessings will outweigh it all. In return you will gain self-confidence and strength; you will see friends and community more clearly; your connection to your children will be amplified; and you will find second chances for career and for love.
You will suffer and struggle, but you will also survive and thrive.
Each year will bring a stronger sense of gratitude for the fruitless life you were rescued from and the amazing life you were gifted with.
I just wish you could know this now and let it reassure you as the storm passes over."
Please share what you would like to whisper into the ear of your past self. Comment below or email evie.pruett@gmail.com
From my life I would add at different times:
ReplyDeleteDon't be afraid to follow your instincts.
It is not normal for an adult male to be calling you. He is mentally disturbed and will commit suicide in a few years.
Be safe and speak up. Don't be afraid.
Have fun! Don't worry so much. You are not doing anything wrong.
You are worthy and loved. You will find a family and friends to love you.
I have been mulling over your comment for a few days now. What a kind, wise addition to Evie's Blog. Thank you for contributing from your own life.I hope you will come again.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this. I'm going through a similar nightmare
ReplyDeleteJesus, how far do I get to go back? To the morning of or hour before feds raided the home of this unsuspecting housewife?
ReplyDelete1) Get the computer. Take the hard drive out. Destroy it. Destroy it good. Drive to the lake and throw it in. Set fire to it. Put it in a really expensive blender and see "Will it blend?" Whatever.
2) Get rid of the wifi password.
3) Get him into therapy. Therapy works. Especially for people who want help. He wants help and has for years but doesn't know how to ask for it. The recidivism rates are low for people who complete therapy. Your life doesn't have to be ruined over this. The kids' lives don't have to be ruined over this. You don't have to be financially ruined. He doesn't need to have his earning potential destroyed and lose his marriage and be branded a monster for life. Just get help.
Am I going back a couple more years to when he crossed the line from being addicted to regular porn to dabbling in underage stuff? I could tell myself he's not up late working on a project that's due soon as I sleep. I could tell myself to creep softly downstairs, but the sound of my footsteps would probably give him enough time to switch over to ESPN.
Am I going back to the wedding? The engagement?
I wish I could.
“1) Get the computer. Take the hard drive out. Destroy it. Destroy it good. Drive to the lake and throw it in. Set fire to it. Put it in a really expensive blender and see "Will it blend?" Whatever.
ReplyDelete2) Get rid of the wifi password.”
“The recidivism rates are low for people who complete therapy.”
These comments were disturbing and incredibly ignorant.
I was going to let it go; then I realized that someone might actually follow your advice.
No recidivism is not low; the reporting rates are low. Therefore, the recidivism rates appear to be minor. The cited statements above is a fine example on why the crimes are under reported.
Legal porn does not cause someone to be sexually attracted to children, or watch child rape porn. If you want to see things of that nature, you have to physically look for them. You act as if they are everywhere. If you knew, the effort it took in finding that type of media, you would have never made the comment and understood law enforcement approach. Sex addiction does not cause someone to be attracted to children; your husband has a preference to it. I also highly doubt he disclosed the illegal behavior with his therapist. Furthermore, people that look at images also produce them. Where do you think so many are coming from?
You are in denial, if you think otherwise.
However, destroying potential evidence is going to get you a jail cell, like your husbands. They would also wonder what other materials/evidence you disposed of, on your husband’s behalf. Law enforcement can access encrypted and damaged hardware. Furthermore, they are well educated and trained for such an event.
I know this was written in 2014, but I assure you, this behavior will continue. (Its often worse the second time) This is not like smoking and drinking, these individuals are actively watching the abuse of children. Do not down play the crime.
I just hope you do your civil duty, or find some self-respect and stop falling for his puppy stories; if anyone is reading this, I hope you do the same.