Chandra: "A bit of my story"

The following is an email I received from Chandra, a woman who has gone through a lot of hell. She has also posted this to her own blog at ladychandra.blogspot.com. and plans to continue her story there. Please give her supportive comments and connect with her blog. The more we talk and connect, the more healing we will find. Maybe we'll even find a collective voice that can stop other women like us from being left without support and resources.  ~ Evie

It is currently 3am on the dot where I am. I just found your blog by looking up the phrase "My husband was a pedophile". I was prompted to do so after looking again for my ex husband to see where he was in the prison world... turns out he has been put in a low security prison and I actually cried when I saw all the things he was allowed to have through the commissary there. An MP3 player? Really? I can't afford one. I can't buy one for the children that he molested for 10 years. I can barely afford rent and he did this to us.

It's been just over 3 years now since I was a non-trad college student with dreams of being an investigative reporter. I had 2 children from a previous marriage and a wee one from my husband. Christa. My sweet little girl. I have a picture of her that is 2 years old. I haven't seen her in longer than that. His parents got custody in the shit storm that happened that day I was turning in some assignment at college. He and I were going to go visit my grandfather in the hospital when we got the call that the state police were looking for us. I honestly thought it was a joke at the time. I had never broken the law. As far as I knew he hadn't either, perhaps it was one of the druggy neighbors and they needed a statement? I was so so wrong.

We just happened to be near the state police headquarters and dropped in to find out what was up. Next thing I know we are following a police car back to our home. My husband turned to me and said "You are going to want a lawyer.", completely perplexed I asked why. He said "Because you are going to want to divorce me." Again I ask why. He then tells me something that I will never forget, or how he said it, or the look on his face when he said it. "I have been looking at kiddie porn." 

It turned out the state police had a warrant to search the place. They had been tracking his online activity for months. Even after he lawyered up he cried and begged forgiveness and told them straight up that he downloaded child pornography. That he had a problem and couldn't stop. I was so angry. I was trying to help them search the house and they kept telling me to calm down, sit down and answer questions. There is a transcript of what I said that day... it is mostly jibberish from me crying and screaming between words. WE HAD CHILDREN, how could he do this? How? Why? I have never gotten those answers. The next day my 13 yo daughter told me that he had been molesting her for years. The day after that my son told me he had been messing with him for years. 

I had no idea. Not a clue. nothing. I didn't see it. And I feel so stupid and ashamed. 

His parents owned pretty much everything we had and took his side. I lost everything and their defense was that I set him up. 10 years in a family that turned on me in a second. They told the world that I put the kids up to disclosing, that I planted child porn on his computer. That I was a bitch, liar, witch, disgusting terrible person and a lot of people believed them. I ended up homeless. They ended up with custody of our shared child and I got supervised visitations... I didn't have the money to fight it and had to represent myself. So I lost. 

He was convicted of possession and distribution of child pornography, the abuse was introduced in the sentencing to show pattern of abuse and he is now serving a 15 year sentence with time served. Which now puts him at getting out in 2024. In a low security prison (he was in medium) that allows him cologne and MP3 players. 

I had to move to a different state because of death threats. My two older children, now 16 and 14 have both, in the past 3 years, attempted suicide, both nearly succeeding. My son hung himself in 2011. We spent a week in ICU. Last May my daughter took an entire bottle of tylenol. Her liver failed and was put on a transplant list. Her liver has since recovered and she lived. They are doing pretty well now, considering all the therapy and being institutionalized multiple times each. 

Me. I just want to talk to my baby girl. But I'm not allowed. The only thing I can do is get a lawyer and fight it. But I can't afford one. So a pedophiles parents get to raise her after paying for his entire defense. And she lives with people that hate me. That blame me. 

So there is my story. There is a lot more to it, but those are just details. Crappy, emotional details that don't really matter anymore. I admire you for doing your blog. I have one too but can't seem to write in it. This is the first time I have ever written out my story.

By Chandra

Please visit her blog at http://ladychandra.blogspot.com/