"Do you think it's wrong to still love someone who's committed a sex crime and to stay with them?"
Someone asked that in the comments of one of our posts. There are really two questions there.
Question 1: Is it wrong to still love someone who's committed a sex crime?
No. Love is never something that is wrong on its own. Every human is flawed and so everyone we love does the wrong things sometimes, to varying degrees. It is always okay to love someone, no matter who they are and how flawed they are. The question to really ask is how is that love being used. How will you act based on your love? And how does the person you love act toward you?
Question 2: Is it wrong to stay with someone who's committed a sex crime?
This is a very personal question and you are the only one who should be answering it. The presence of love does not determine the answer to this question. Love does not tie you physically to anyone. You can stay because of love, but you can also leave, still holding love in your heart.
I'm not an expert on staying or leaving, but I have some thoughts on the subject after struggling with the decision for almost two years. If I put my thoughts into one blog (which I started to), it is just a little too much. So I'm going to break them into a series of short blogs - "Should I stay or should I go?".
For now, let's ponder the differences and meanings of loving versus staying. What does each mean to you? How do you draw the lines that guide your own life?
I'm not an expert on staying or leaving, but I have some thoughts on the subject after struggling with the decision for almost two years. If I put my thoughts into one blog (which I started to), it is just a little too much. So I'm going to break them into a series of short blogs - "Should I stay or should I go?".
For now, let's ponder the differences and meanings of loving versus staying. What does each mean to you? How do you draw the lines that guide your own life?
I think a lot depends upon if it is only you and your sex offender. It can be very very traumatizing for a child to be trapped into having to live out their childhood with the possibility of being re-molested even if you assure them you will protect them. You really can't.
ReplyDeleteImagine if you as an adult were raped and then (possibly after the rapist got out of prison/off parole) someone powerful in your life decided that since they still had feelings for your rapist, they would let the rapists come live in the house you shared. .well the situation might feel a tad bit ominous and scary even terrifying.. You might feel trapped in with your rapist perpetually endangered not only by your rapist but by the person who let the rapist come back. And that's how you would feel as an adult living in a house with your rapist.
As a child you might wonder why some one who said they cared about your safety would even take the chance you might be raped/incested again? If You put yourself in the child's place you might see it is not simply a matter of whether you still love your sex offender and are willing to take a chance on being betrayed again...for the child who might be sexually assaulted it is a far more serious matter. Children have to feel safe to grow beyond their trauma.
I know someone who married a man who molested her daughter. When she found out she divorced him but (did not report him) then after a little while she let him come back because he promised and she "still loved him" and she didn't think she could do anything else simply because she still felt "love" for him...they got back together, after awhile he re-molested the same daughter and the next time she divorced him (she still didn't report him) she said she no longer felt love for him. He is however still around in her /their lives because she had another daughter by him before the final break-up.
I think the real danger is the persistence of a family dynamic that makes us as wives/women believe we are supposed to continue to take care of the men we "love" and at the same time take care of children we "love" even when it forces us to do the impossible. As women we believe that if we just love enough, try hard enough, we should be able to make it all turn out OK. We can't but we can be sane enough to see that children have the first claim on our love, especially when we and they have already been betrayed once.
I believe if an adult has priors, if he molested a child (his own or someone elses') he should not be allowed around children. It is too big a risk all around that something will happen and he will re-offend. And the kid will feel guilty for reporting, for protecting themselves and in the process sending him back to prison. And the child might just be a tade bit angry at a mother who let the offender back into the house. For the offenders own self protection he should not want to risk being around children.
An alcoholic probably should not tend bar no matter how "recovered" to use a sex-addict comparison.
As women I think we need to work on our own PTG and help our children recover. The adult sex offender is an adult and he has adult responsibilities to stay away and not continue to cause dread in the children he once harmed. As adults I believe there are times when we can not un-do the harms we have done except by staying away and doing no further harm. If you want to have a relationship with a person who you know is already an offender, that's your choice as long as no children are or will be involved. But if they are on the Registry you will have parole officer visits and the Internet Sex Offender registry intruding in your private lives. I personally think even without any children involved that is a big price to pay for being "in Love."
I'm really starting to resent the term PTG. My ex husband has some growing to do. I do not. I am not his crime. Nobody would dare tell one of the victims of child porn that it's so wonderful that she gets to "grow" from this. I f*cking need to heal. And I need G-D resources; not a better outlook. And frankly draconian punishments only further victimize me and my kids.
ReplyDeleteAs for loving an offender, I still love my ex. But I can't be married to him. He has ruined my life for the foreseeable future and the "justice system" has made it worse than is necessary.
Yes it's unavoidable that I am collateral damage. But it should not be this harsh.
My ex did not touch my children or any other child. He watched porn of developed young women. It warrants punishment but not utter destruction.
My kids are not allowed supervised visitation. They are not allowed phone calls. They are not allowed letters. My ex has done over a year of sex addiction therapy. His psychosexual evaluation indicates that he is not a pedophile. He is not a sociopath. He made some very bad choices. He has served time. When will enough be enough?
My children accidentally saw their dad when he showed up at my parents' not knowing they would bev there. There was no contact; just a glimpse. My son later asked me if they are allowed to make eye contact with their dad. He is confused about the P.O.'s rules and bbc.co autistic brain is afraid of getting in trouble.
Have you ever had your childv ask you if they are allowed to make eye contact with the parent they love and miss?
F*CK PTG. This is bullshit.
I meant to write: his autistic brain is afraid of getting in trouble.
ReplyDeleteLet's all implement laws that will protect children. Not mine, of course. But other children.
The word "sex offender" is like the word "criminal". Some don't deserve much in terms of second chances. Others do.
I don't want to align myself with WAR but if any of those women have stories like mine, they have every right to be furious. Not just with their offender but with the entire system.
You are absolutely right. I am not trying to be a know it all. Everyone experiences this mess differently. I did not mean to sound like I am labeling anyone else. The whole experience was traumatizing for me partly because it brought past incest "stuff" from my childhood to the surface with it. I do not think I am crazy but I do think I need to figure out how I can grow past some of this and not get stuck. The problem for me is that in my experience "treatment" is just labeling and feels like it's putting me and mine "one down" For me the concept of Post Traumatic Growth was a way to take charge of my own situation and deal with this from an adult perspective.instead of having some holier-than-though social worker or some therapist who doesn't really know what this is all like telling me what to do and how to feel and well you know ...all the rest The women at War and all the rest of us have similar stories and we have every right to be angry. Telling me I shouldn't be angry just makes me mad. What do they know? But on the other hand I don't want to spend my life tending this anger I want to try to get on with my (and my family's) life and sharing on Not the Life helps me because I know the feed-back is from other people who do know what all this feels like.
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