SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Facing the storm

This is the first part of the "Should I Stay or Should I go" series.

Staying or going is a common dilemma in this community. The question can mean different things to different people. It can be a question of moving to a different house in the same city or leaving the area entirely. Leaving can mean that you are leaving the relationship, such as through divorce, whether you move physical locations or just tell your ex to find a new home. Let's just agree for this conversation that leaving means the breaking of the romantic and legal relationship with your significant other, including removing all plans to share households again.

I want to start with when you should make the decision of staying or going. Some of you are at the beginning, where you have only just learned in the last few days or weeks that your partner is a sex offender, or at least an alleged one. You are being bombarded by repulsive information and offensive people. Your life has been turned upside-down and you don't recognize it anymore. Your "fight or flight" mechanisms are kicking in because your stress level is high enough that you might as well be running for your life from a pack of wolves. You can barely do anything other than survive. You are facing the storm.

I used to stand at my front door in Colorado, bathed in sunshine and cooled by a light wind, as I watched a storm come like a black wall from miles away. You can never be quite sure what the storm brings until it hits you. That wall is the "front" of the storm where the pressure is high. It is the most dangerous part. It is the first blast of a storm that brings ripping winds and smashing hail or, heaven forbid, a tornado. Behind the front is a long pelting of rain, often blowing sideways, with streaks of lightning and roaring thunder. You helplessly wonder what part of your home and yard is being destroyed. The rain will eventually fall straight down and taper away, maybe over minutes or maybe over hours. Finally, the storm is gone, but your anxieties are not because it is time to put on your coat and boots and survey the damage. You run out anxiously, finding relief in what is still standing, but also feeling pain for what is gone. There are things you must immediately tend to, like holes in rooves and broken windows that must be covered or fences that must be propped up again. Its a mess that you can't fix in one day, but you patch and clean just to make due until the sun comes up again.

Finding out that your loved one is a sex offender is like being at the front of the storm. It is a dangerous and unpredictable time. Unfortunately for us, we can't really run and hide from it, can we? The hail, wind, and rain are authority figures asking questions and we must answer. There aren't a lot of choices here - you can't leave, you must stay. You can, however, find some shelter. The best shelter I can recommend is in the wisdom and help of other people. You need people who will help keep you alive with food and emotional support. You also need people who can advise you, like possibly your own lawyer, but also any person with direct experience with the authorities you are facing, whether they are the police, the DA's investigators, Child Protective Services, or court appointed advisors. Pull together people you trust as your shelter. My first shelter consisted of the ladies from church who cleaned my house and fed us the day after I found out. I also called a legal liason with a volunteer group I belong to who gave me personal wisdom about CPS.

After the front passes, there is still the full body of the storm behind it. For us, it is the unsettling weeks or months in which we are striking a new balance in a very unpleasant situation. You become a helpless audience member of your partner's criminal proceedings. On the other side of the coin, you feel overwhelmed with the tasks of just holding the practical pieces of life together. You might feel like you have choices to make - you might even be starting to think about leaving - but it's not time yet. You can't even see clearly yet how much of your life has been altered. If you are at this point, I advise that you don't make any drastic changes yet, but keep your efforts focused on your survival and the survival of your kids, if you have any. Feed yourself, put yourself to bed, repeat. Go through the basic routines and be very forgiving with yourself if you find those hard. Grief, anger, and depression will be your biggest obstacles. Find a therapist: ask CPS if they will offer a therapist, ask you pastor, ask a good friend, call your employer's Employee Assistance Program hotline if you have one, or see what the Affordable Care Act can do for you. Your main job right now is to keep yourself alive until the storm passes.

There will also be the issue of bills and real responsibilities that demand your attention. Only do what is necessary and feasible. Only pay what is necessary and feasible. And ask for help. It is hard for most of us to do this, but you must. You will be surprised how many people want to help you, but just don't know what to do. Tell them you're family is hungry and they will bring dinner. Tell them you don't have the energy to walk your dog and they will volunteer their teenage child to do it. Give it a try. They can help you make it through this crazy time.

You must face the storm and survive until the storm is really past. I can't tell you how long it will take, but one day you will realize that you can finally see your life more clearly. You will better understand the legal process your partner is in. You will better understand the authorities you personally must deal with and the hoops they want you to jump through. You will have a grasp, if shaky, on your financial situation and at least have a plan to match your income to your bills. You will be eating regular meals and sleeping all the way through most nights. Life will seem livable, at the very least, even if its not exactly enjoyable. That is when you can survey the damage left by the storm. You will really know you have reached this point when you can identify the undamaged portions of your life, especially relationships with family and friends. Maybe you can even smile sometimes. Now, finally, you can really start patching the holes and cleaning the mess. You can start making choices. And the biggest choice you will make is whether to stay or go.

Stay tuned for the next installment.