Elizabeth: "I chose."

This is a story that was emailed to me. I love it. She made wise choices to protect her children and let them speak. ~ Evie

An email from Elizabeth:
It was four years ago today when I was changing my sick infants diaper that my oldest age 6 told me that her and Daddy had a secret.  My response was that we don’t keep secrets in this family. I guess I should have said I don’t keep secrets in this family. Trusting child that she was she told me her secret and I froze. That’s when Kurt came home; he had been at the store getting medicine for the baby before he had to go to work. He came up stairs handed me the medicine, got dressed for work kissed my forehead and said I love you and walked out the door, I was silent the entire time. Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.  For an hour I stumbled around the house.  I loaded the dishwasher, folded some clothes, and contemplated packing bags for me and my kids and driving from Ga to Wa. Instead I called a local friend and told her that she had to come over or I had to come see her. She said to come over, she later told me that she thought I had found out Kurt had cheated on me, that detail didn’t sink in til almost a year later. The first thing she asked after I got the courage to spit out the words was “are you going to stay?” Honestly that thought never crossed my mind. I fought hard to keep my oldest alive as a premature infant. I lost all but one of my friends and a few role models when I choose to keep her instead of giving her up for adoption. I was NOT going to tell her when she grew up that my love for her Daddy was more important than her safety. My friend contacted CPS, they talked to me over the phone and an hour or so later I found out Kurt had been arrested. 3 hours later they had a written confession from him. He went to jail that very night. I gave the police everything they asked for, coming in and writing down what happened that day, going to CPS to have my oldest and her almost 3 year old sister video recorded interviews so that they could get any evidence they could. I hid at my friends house for a month, god bless her for taking us in like that.  I never spent another night in the house we had shared. I moved my and the kids stuff out and into a new apartment. We were divorced within 3 months and when the school year was over we moved to CA and in with my parents. It took a year from his arrest to the trial. My daughter and I both had to testify. I wasn’t allowed to be in the court room when she had to testify. Kurt’s parents came to support him. They asked for liency after he was found guilty. I told them that they could have contact with Kurt OR the children not both. I haven’t talked to either one since that day. Even if the judge wanted to be lienet the minimum sentence was 25 years with no chance of early parole. I am grateful for this for a few reasons. One because by the time he gets out my children will be 31, 27 and 25 year old adults. They will have established their personalities and have done a lot of growing without him and if he chooses to try and contact them, they will be at the point where they can make that decision from an adults prospective rather than a child who wants a father or a teen who is searching for identity. Another reason I am grateful is because it gives me no opportunity to rethink my decision. Because even though I didn’t even think about staying and I have had absolutely no contact with him, I still love him and that is so hard for me. Some days I wish for the life I had before the secret. I had an involved parent in my children’s life, I had an understanding partner who helped around the house and helped me find my self-respect. I had some one who loved me and listened to me. We had dreams of a future. We rarely fought. And now all that is gone. I lived 3 years with my parents who after a while weren’t so quiet about not liking that there were 3 children in the house. My mom and I have a fragile relationship and living with her again torn at me. I am not allowed to talk about feeling or even show sadness. So trying to make sense of this situation was impossible for I had to push everything into a box and tape it shut. I am currently living with a friend as they are going through a divorce but it’s hard, because some days all I can see was the life I was suppose to have, the one we planned, and how it’s not the one I am living.  Now I have to decide each year if I tell my children’s teachers at the beginning of the year or wait for something to be said (so far every year something has been said). I have to explain to adults that my children are allowed to talk about what happened and they are not to shame or make my kids feel guilty for talking about it. I’ve had to explain to my oldest that when you tell people personal stuff that you have to trust that person to keep it to them-selves or risk them telling everyone (which has also happened). I have to trust that the teachers won’t look at my daughter any differently after they find out (which has not always happened).  I’ve had to figure out a way to explain to my younger two where their Daddy is, and why it’s a good thing that he’s there in a way that is age appropriate and without going into detail and still respecting my daughters privacy. I’ve had to deal with people getting offended when I won’t tell them why my ex is no longer in our lives.  I’ve had to deal with well-intentioned therapist who just didn’t know how to connect to my daughter. This isn’t the life I choose. No, that’s not true. I could have stayed, I could have told my daughter she was lying, or just ignored what she said or confronted Kurt and “worked it out”, I could have left with out reporting it and then wonder if I would ever go back.  I chose to report him. I chose to work with the police. I chose to let my daughters make video interviews so that when the caseworker was a victim of a DUI murder, there was still hard evidence that could be used to convict Kurt. I chose to testify. I chose not to contact Kurt. I chose not to have contact with his family if they were going to contact him. I chose. I chose my children. That’s a choice I would make again.