Saturday, April 15, 2017

Shame, Blame, and Fear: What "Think" doesn't seem to realize about browbeating and blaming the women brave enough to post on Not the Life:

Recently "Think" posted several times on Not the Life. (commenting on the post "Elizabeth I Chose")

Think asked,"Am I missing something here?"  

Well, to answer your question, "Yes, I think you are." 

Not the Life is meant to be a safe place where all women/ sexual abuse survivors can share experience, strength, and hope. 
We share our stories (something which "Think" neglected to do) so others will know what happened to us and so we can make decisions about what choices to make next. It is a place to reach out, tell our stories, without fear. We have been browbeaten by experts. Trolls are unwelcome on Not the Life I Chose because this is a SAFE space.

Every woman's choice shared here is to be respected. Not denigrated. No browbeating no silencing anyone's story. Not allowed here on Not the Life. Maybe one person's choice is different than someone else's but it takes great courage to speak out and tell honestly what happened to us and to our loved ones. 

Until now most of us thought we were alone in this. We thought no one would understand (or even listen to us) as we made painful choices, worked through the anger and betrayal we felt and made choices we knew many would not agree with but which we on Not the Life Support because we too had to make painful decisions and we know what it takes to make such decisions (no matter which decision any one of us reached)  On not the life it's the speaking out the telling of our silenced stories that gives us all a chance to know we are not alone and frees us to move into a better future...

No one sharing their story here on Not the Life deserves to be labeled "child predator (no matter what you may think.) No one here deserves to be threatened "when you are older, your child will cut all contact with you." even if that's what someone you know did...perhaps out of past unresolved anger, fear or shame?  

No One here on Not the Life wants to continue the cycle of child sexual abuse into another generation, that's why mothers search the web to find some safe place share our stories, where we can know we are not alone and share our decisions going forward (whatever those decisions might be) without fear of condemnation.  

We are all here for each other and we are here for you if you want to share your story. We share our stories and our painful choices as a way of knowing we are not alone in this. It's a way to find healing choices for us and for our children and families going  forward. Please think before you decide to hide your own story while pointing fingers and condemning us.  

Please, also tell us your story. It's Okay. we won't judge, shame, blame or browbeat you. We are open to learning from the choices you have made.  So share your personal journey with us just as we share ours with each other and with you on Not the Life.  

16 comments:

  1. I don't know who "think" is. I haven't read any of "think"'s comments. But I have this to say to "think" or anyone else who would deny me one of precious few resources women like me have.
    Please fuck yourself. Hard and furiously with as much force as you can muster. Without lube.
    While I'm sure your story is sad, I don't want to hear it. You have countless resources to share your truth. Countless resources where people will listen and not judge. They will wish for death for your victimizer.
    This place is about me and people like me. Not everything is about yoy, Think. You don't get all the resources. You get 99% of them. This one's mine.
    I know you feel you are now owed everything because you are a "real victim" of an offense and I'm a fake victim, I guess. And so are my CHILDREN, apparently. My children whose father looked at sexy teenage girls on the internet and must never ever be forgiven or seen as anything other than a "child" sex offender. My children are not allowed even supervised visitation with their father and it CRUSHES them. It DEVESTATES them.
    Please eat shit and die, troll.
    People like you are the most insufferable part of this horrible journey I must wake up every day and endure.
    Not jail. Not loss of income. Just horrible villagers like you with your flaming pitchforks.
    I hope some day you will learn to feel something other than the need for vengeance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm think... You really need to read peoples post, before lubeing up.
      Do you have data to back that statement: " 99% of victims get support?" We can choose who we are with and I imagine there is more to your husbands story, time will tale. You deserve someone better, stop wasting your life with someone that preferred teen porn over his family.

      Delete
    2. Imagine all you want to, you miserable bitch. That's all it is. Your imagination.
      I'm so sure that what you imagine about my ex husbands story is so much more accurate than what I know about the life I lived for nearly two decades.
      Yeah. Your imagination probably trumps my knowledge.
      Please die.

      Delete
    3. Also,
      Plethysmograph tests are hard to fake, as are polygraphs. I "imagine " you would know that if you spent more time educating yourself and less time imagining things. Like that every offender is the same.

      Delete
  2. You haven't told us your story, the story about what you suffered that triggered your own anger. I assume, like my anger, yours was triggered by what I refer to as 'the knock on the door' and by the shame, blame and feelings of fear and feelings of helplessness, and yes the rage, that came after? From "Thinks' comments (they are part of a reply to a comment someone else made awhile ago) I assumed "Think" was a 'child'victim (or a mother/ relative who felt they were sticking up for a child victim, a family member, a husband / father whom they felt never received justice and they hoped that by shaming, blaming etc they could teach others to 'protect' future 'victims') It's like both 'camps' are armed with rocks and rage and want only to stone the other side to death. After all these years, I still have a hard time dealing with 'visits' from parole and probation. I have to work hard not to mouth off and give them a reason to target us. Thankfully there are no children involved anymore but still the fear and resentment and urge to 'say something'remains. I still need to channel my anger after all these years. After all these years, I still feel a need for 'revenge' back at the 'villagers with pitchforks' at legislators and politicians who put forth laws not because they might help but because they want to stay in office and want to get votes from the 'villagers' by showing they are 'hard on crime' (even if many of them use their power to intimidate and take sexual advantage of women who need their jobs and work 'under' them!)
    At this point it, I think it's the hypcracy that triggers my anger the most. I have given up 'nice' but I try to channel my anger effectively so it doesn't burn down my own house 9I Can't afford to 'go public' with my anger. I don't want to have to move because my neighbors 'find out' I can't afford (literally) to lose my job. And I certainly don't want to spend any more of my time standing in line at some prison, smiling 'nice' for the guards who do not bother to hide their disdain that I'm visiting a 'predator' I've paid too many lawyers who have accomplished practically nothing (except to get rich on my dime) Guess what I'm trying to say with this 'story' is that there are so many was to express my own rage, my own need for 'vengeance' that only ended up getting me 'burned.' I think maybe the need to be able to talk to others who understand because they too feel the rage flare up and need to figure out ways to channel it. Maybe by telling their story here? I don't know but I guess that's why I keep on keeping on, posting here on Not the Life, try to keep this Blog going so we all will have a palce to coe and compare our stories and know that what ever is said however we feel, it's Okay. Because after comng here, after even just 'reading' maybe not even posting, just reading, we can find courage and strength to go back and ease the devastation our children may feel...ease our own devastation, and maybe find ways to make things a little better for ourselves, our children and the next person finds courage to share here on Not the life. Anyway, Take care my sisters, Janet Mackie

    ReplyDelete
  3. Janet, first, thank you and Evie for maintaining this blog.
    I won't go into detail about my story (my ex husbands story). Just a few bullet points.
    * it was wrong
    * it was no contact
    * it was still wrong
    *he was responsible, in an abstract way, for less than a 10th of one percent of each victim's suffering
    * it was wrong and I know that
    * not one single victim knows his name
    * his psychosexual evaluation states that he is not attracted to prepubescent children and that his attraction to teens is typical of most heterosexual men (miniscule).
    * His therapists consider him a low recidivism risk.
    * His therapists and I have seen him express a tremendous amount of remorse for his actions (not because he was caught but because he gets it now).
    * He has dutifully taken responsibility for his actions and attended therapy. He voluntarily started therapy a week after getting caught and nearly a year before going to trial.
    * I have no reason to believe he touched any child.
    * I have no reason to believe he would touch any child.
    * He looked at some things someone else put on a file sharing site. He was addicted to porn at the time.

    As for my children, they miss their father very much. The decision to leave was mine. They often resent me for it.

    Why? If I think he's such a changed man? Why would I break up my family?

    Well it took me the better part of a year to decide to stay or leave. The reason I left is simple.

    I knew that due to the registry, if I stayed, bullies like "think" would terrorize me for the rest of my life. Worse, they would terrorize my children. We would never be safe. From vandalism. From threats. From gossip. From their relentless judgement.
    I couldn't bear the thought. Not for myself. Not for my children.

    If I had a choice between going on a Sunday picnic with a bunch of reformed sex offenders who dutifully attended therapy and who were trying to change or going on a Sunday picnic with a bunch of concerned mother citizens like "Truth", I'd choose the former convicts. Honestly. They feel like less of a threat to me. At least they understand their thinking was flawed. At least they've taken the first step.

    My family is gone. I will never have that back. I have fragments of a broken family and so does my boyfriend. I strive each day to be grateful for what I have and to look forward and not backward. But I will never have a whole family again.

    A lot of days I want to die. But four years ago, I wanted to die every day. Now it's just some days. Some days I'm glad I didn't take my own life. I could never leave my kids. They saved me.

    But I didn't need to lose my family. My husband didn't need to be branded for life. Our children did not need to suffer as much as they did. We could have worked through it. Were it not for the cruelness of the registry. We could have worked through it.

    I look forward to the day my ex will be allowed supervised visitation because his PO is just being unnecessarily cruel to my children. It doesn't seem like anyone cares about my kids. All the concern is for the "other" kids. The 'real' victims.

    I simply wasn't willing to go through life dealing with people like Truth.

    Karma's a bitch though. I know that much. And the more you judge people who you don't know, the more you're begging for some seriously horrible shit to teach you a lesson. I wish I would have learned that sooner.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It may sound trite to say, Thank You for telling your story but I am profoundly grateful to know that there are people like you who read this blog and find at least a sort of solace here on Not the Life. The times I have seriously considered suicide, my children too have saved me.
    There has to be a way of looking at this that gets us all/ our culture beyond 'once a sex offender always a sex offender'/ original sin/ 'Registry'mentality (which clearly is not working, not for those who are required by the system to maintain their 'status' as perpetual victims in order to justify the 'perpetual cruelty/ denial of redemption'to the 'perpetrator' I too know what happened was wrong. That 'point' is with me everyday. But the requirement to maintain this cruel dichotomy sucks all the energy out of truly finding a transformative solutions/ ways to work this through to everyone's benefit. (maybe just acknowledging we are all human, maybe 'do unto others as we wish to be done unto?)
    It's like when someone has been on death row for literally 30 years and the 'victim's' family still comes and testifies that only execution will afford them 'closure' It makes me think they have been as 'incarcerated' in their grief and anger as the 'perpetrator' has been in his cell on death row. I needs closure too but not the revenge upon the world kind, not the Registry/ Stranger Danger forever sort the politicians go on and on about.
    I've been at this long enough that I don't want to go back to being the person I was before all this changed me into who I am now (whoever that is?) . I don't know if I was ever one of the 'villagers with pitchforks' crowd but I was a bystander who wanted to fit into a 'nice' middle class life,(I thought I'd chosen a certain, well ordered life) I thought 'those people' weren't like me and mine and we would never be 'like that' and 'they should just learn to follow 'my' rules. In short I was more like "Think" than I care to admit. At least think' thinks there's a possibility I might respond to shame blame and browbeating, change, and become some sort of respectable 'villager' again! (I do still know how to 'pass for Okay to keep a job, keep my kids, not embarrass family etc) Please see the next comment below...this has gotten too long to 'publish all in one go.

    ReplyDelete
  5. to continue...

    Then came the knock at the door when I found I wasn't living the 'Life I Chose.'after all...(but for many there are still children to think about. Kids who are hurting, who don't need to be 'labeled' forever either as 'victim' or as a sex offender's child (or even grandchild) kids who need friends and a chance in life.)

    The thing is I don't want to fit back into that life I chose before. I'm not that person any more (I don't know who I'm going to be but I do know I'm not who I used to be. I gave up 'nice') and I don't want to be that 'self satisfied' 'nice' person who thinks one size fits all. (I can't fit that mold even if I wanted to but it would be nice to be able to be my real/ emerging self with a few more people without always knowing that if they really 'knew' they too would be shocked) Thank goodness for Not the Life I chose and the bravery of you all.

    I want to find some third way, some transformative way to be more honest with myself and grow going forward. (No I don't still think I know 'the answers' but I love reading about what others have discovered here on this blog) I'm just keeping on keeping on. It's sort of an 'every day courage' I try to remember that kindness trumps cruelty, and that while trauma piles up and cycles on, kindness matters more than I ever realized when I thought I knew everything (before the knock on the door)

    So, No, you didn't need to lose your family. No your husband did not need to be branded for life. No one and none of us IS our 'label.' And Yes, your children do need a relationship with their father so they have a chance to work through what's happened while it's still fresh and before they too carry this misery into their own lives as adults. You are on track to make that happen for them and for you and your 'husband' Yes, you can love someone and your children with all your heart and still be forced to make the hard decisions you (and every woman on Not the life) lives with every day...
    That's why I am so grateful to know there are women like you out there I can 'talk to' and because we on trying to live with kindness and with courage we are not alone in this. Take care, Janet Mackie

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm think... Your daughter was a victim and you have a responsibility to her safety. She did not have a choice in being victimised, but you have a choice in who you are with. No, this site is not victim friendly. It's not about blame, it's about leaving the situation.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Think here, I do not vandalize, or harass children. So, I not sure where that came from. I never made, or implied such statements.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Think:
    I don't know if you are talking to me. I don't know who else you would be talking to. My daughter was victimized by the "justice" system. She was not molested. No child was molested by my daughter's father. Not one. He never had any inappropriate sexual contact with any child. Not once. He looked at porn that had post pubescent girls. He should not have done it. He never touched any child. Including my children. His therapists do not consider him a risk.
    Please get that through your thick skull.
    My children want to have occasional visits with their dad. We're okay with it being supervised. The PO, out of the "goodness" of his heart, allows them to speak once a week. I would like them to speak any fucking time they want because studies show that children do better when they have more access to a parent.
    Please go troll somewhere else.
    You make me sick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. )I'm Think)
      In reference to the article above:
      I cannot find the article she was talking about, among others. However, I do vaguely recall the situation. The woman was endangering the daughter in her current predicament. This site states that it’s not for child abuse and the woman remaining with him, most certainly would have been. I was hoping she would see reason and leave.
      Did you write Evie (part 1), 2, 3 AND 4? I also commented on these as well. Based on what you have told me, your situation is different from hers. I have not used insults when communicating with you, so your response is odd.

      Delete
    2. referencing comment section:

      http://notthelifeichose.blogspot.com/2016/06/wives-of-sex-offenders-place-to-share.html

      Delete
  9. I'm not a spiritual person. I'm an agnostic atheist. I dont believe in much unless it came from Bill Nye or Neil DeGrasse Tyson. But I'm starting to think that in a past life I must have been some judgmental condescending bitch who was convinced she knew more about other people's lives than the people living them. I was probably an insufferable hag who believed in "good" people and "bad" people and nothing inbetween. Nothing messy and definitely nothing so complicated as to exceed my ability to comprehend it from a distance.
    This theory might sound weird to you, but if I had been a miserable judgmental twat in a past life, the life I'm living now would really make a lot of sense. Karma, ya know. Anyway, I'm quite sure that I did nothing in this current life to deserve what I ended up with. That, I know. Oh, sure, I've judged my share of people. Time was that I used to be quite the know it all. Nothing this unthinkable would ever happen to me. And if it did, I surely wouldn't struggle for even a moment to make the "right" decision about where to go from here. I would never look back or doubt myself. Not that I would ever be faced with an impossible choice to begin with, of course.
    When I think about what a horrid ignorant twat I must have been in this past life, it's hard for me to be angry with the ignorant twats I happen upon in my day to day life.
    I wish I could go back and apologize, though. I truly do.
    Oh, well. Live and learn.

    This is the last thing I will post here. It feels too unsafe anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I highly doubt the past life theory and even if this was true.... You are a completely different from your former personality. I felt like you needed to know. Furthermore, I knew you were oblivious to the woman's ACTUALLY post. This situation was not your fault, Janet failed to give the WHOLE truth. Please, do not stop posting. I am not your enemy. However, I do question blog now.

      Think

      Delete
  10. I highly doubt the past life theory and even if this was true.... You are a completely different from your former personality. I felt like you needed to know. Furthermore, I knew you were oblivious to the woman's ACTUALLY post. This situation was not your fault, Janet failed to give the WHOLE truth. Please, do not stop posting. I am not your enemy. However, I do question blog now.

    Think

    ReplyDelete