7 Myths and 7 facts about the sexual abuse of boys because we seem to forget that boys/ our sons (sometimes our husbands) are/ were molested too

I have adapted the following from a post on my own blog WindHarpTree.com after I spoke to my son who asked me, "Doesn't it matter what happens to the boys who are molested." Evie asked if I would republish this blog on Not the Life I Chose. You can find the original here. 

Many of us in this blog's community have three challenging roles to fill simultaneously: 1) as spouses and ex-spouses of sex offenders; 2) as women; and 3) as mothers of molested children. And before "the knock on the door" came, we knew almost nothing about the facts of the situation we are now facing.

But I'll bet the issues around getting our children back and about dealing with their therapy and their issues as survivors of child sex abuse are really our #1 issue for a long time. At least it is the  #1 issue I grieve over in the middle of the night, even after all these years.

When I read that Chandra's son tried to hang himself and very narrowly succeeded (several days in ICU) I felt like crying with her.  I hope this information about the sexual abuse of boys is of some help.

~Janet

As usual, myths before facts:

Myth # 1) Boys can't be sexually used or abused and if one is he can never be a "real" man. (Males aren't victims is central to masculine gender socialization. Successful males are depicted as never being vulnerable, either physically or emotionally. Hence the male mantra, "Never complain. Never explain.")

Myth #2) If a boy experienced sexual arousal during abuse, he wanted and/or enjoyed it. (When I was young they used to say if a woman survived rape, she just hadn't fought her attacker (or her date-rape hard enough. Ergo she had "wanted it." Her rapists had just been giving her what she had implicitly or explicitly asked for.)

This myth continues that if a boy ever did even partly want the sexual experience which he had been groomed into then the boy not his attacker was at fault.

(As an aside...Isn't it interesting how society allows the attacker to turn responsibility on it's head? No matter that a boy is groomed into arousal, he not his molester is at fault. No matter that a young girl is raped, the attack is still about a young child betrayed by a more powerful person who has selfishly exploited the child for their own adult sexual gratification.

The gender myth is that the girl sexually attracted her male abuser. (For did not the blameless Mary, Mother of "God" somehow attract attention, was visited which she did immaculately submit sometime in the night. And the young girl who was thus impregnated was only "saved" from an inevitable stoning by irate neighbors when a very old man, the much venerated Saint Joseph, agreed to take her as his child bride. Once married, child brides cannot be victims if a  wedding ensues.  Wed they are respectable mothers submissively grateful to the husbands who saved them and their child from a scarlet letter, a life of shame... It is indeed confusing because on the flip side of this gender myth, patriarchal wisdom maintains that young boys cannot but be to blame for submitting and thereby causing their forever destruction as :Masculine" men now fit only to live on the fringes.)

Myth #3) Sexual abuse is less harmful to boys than to girls.

Yet the real and lasting harm caused by sexual abuse of children, male and female mostly depends on things not determined by victim gender. The harm flows from a) the abusers identity, b) the duration of the abuse and c) whether the child told anyone at the time and if so, whether the child was believed and helped.

Many boys suffer because adults who could believe them and help are reluctant or refuse to even acknowledge that boys can be harmed by what happened. This increases the harm, especially the shame felt by boys and men and leads many males to believe that the "masculine" thing is to tough it out on their own.

Myth #4) Most sexual abuse of boys is committed by homosexual males.

People who sexually abuse or exploit boys are not expressing homosexuality any more than people who use and abuse girls are engaging in heterosexual behavior. They are deeply confused individuals, who for various reasons, desire to sexually use and abuse children (among others) and have seen or created opportunity and then acted upon their desire.

Myth #5) Boys abused by males must be gay or will become gay.

Some males fear that due to their experiences as boys, they must "really" be homosexual, or that they can't be "real men." Also many boys abused by men believe (or are told by their abusers) that something about them attracted their abuser and will attract other males.

On the flip side of gender, my father told me something about me attracted him (therefore "it" was obviously my fault) but sick as it was, my molest fell into a more socially acceptable male-female context. I don't know if he told the males he molested that something about them had attracted the abuse he heaped upon them. I don't know if he was told something about him attracted his molesters either.)

One of the great tragedies of childhood sexual abuse is how it robs a person's natural right to discover his or her own sexuality in his or her own time. By definition child sexual abuse is about adult power. It has nothing to do with a child's preferences or desires. It is about adult advantage and gratification.

Myth #6) If a female used or abused a boy, "He got lucky." and if he does not feel that way there is something wrong with him.

This definition of "Masculinity" says that "real" males can't be sexually abused but that sexual experiences with girls or women, especially older ones is evidence that he's "a real man."a case of preferring to focus on the sexual aspect and not on the abusive one. (and I cannot resist adding: who hasn't seen old movies in which fathers hire sex workers to "educate" young sons? Although, now, both prostitution and sex trafficking seems to be a less openly approved educational methods. Perhaps access to internet porn in the privacy of home is the new thing.) In any case the sexual exploitation and betrayal by a more powerful person, male or female, is Abuse not an educational experience.


In reality, premature, coerced or otherwise abusive or exploitative experiences are never positive whether they are imposed by an older sister, sister of a friend, babysitter, neighbor, aunt, mother or any female in a position of power over a boy. Whether the victim is a boy or a girl, to be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is never a good thing and can cause lasting harm.

Myth #7) Boys who are sexually abused will (inevitably) go on to abuse others. This myth is especially dangerous because it creates terrible fear in boys and men. They may not only fear becoming abusers themselves, but fear that if others find out they were abused they will believe those who were abused as children are themselves automatically a danger to children.  Boys and men who tell of being abused often are viewed more as potential perpetrators than as men in need of support.

Believing these Myths  is understandable but dangerous and harmful:

   * These are myths that everyone absorbs growing up and men (and women) who continue to believe them are harmed by them.

   * As long as societies believe these myths and continue to teach them to children, many men harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences won't seek or get the recognition their abuse needs and deserves.

   * So long as boys and men harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences believe these myths they will feel ashamed and be less likely to seek whatever knowledge, understanding or help they need to achieve the lives they want and deserve.

   * So long as boys, men and society as a whole believes these myths and males don't get the help they need, males are more likely to join the minority who end up hurting others.

   * So long as these myths are believed it increases the power of another devastating myth: That it was the child's fault.

It is never the fault of the child in a sexual situation... although some people are skilled at getting those they use and abuse to take on a responsibility that is always, and only, their own.

For any man harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences...and for anyone who wants to support him...recognizing and becoming free of these myths is necessary to overcoming the effects of the abuse and to achieving the life he wants and deserves.