I wanted to reach out to those of you who (like me) feel isolated and set apart from your neighbors and even often times from family and friends by the label and condemnation affixed to those related to people in prison or whose names are on the Registry. Did you know there are over 900,000 names on sex offender registries nationwide? So how many wives, children, family members are out here or standing in line at some prison or afraid of being fired if someone vengeful finds out our stubborn connection to a loved one, a family member or to a child harmed by not only by circumstance but by the justice system.
We are not alone. But we have been shamed and silenced and separated from each other. I wanted to post this on Not the Life I chose to let you know I too feel alone and lonely but I know you are out there, you understand, you also are dealing with collateral damage and you are continuing to deal with prejudice, labels, and the fear of being rejected once again. So we spend time searching the internet for blogs like Not the Life, we stand in line, we comfort our children and find strength in eachother.
We are still strong for each other.
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Saturday, October 20, 2018
The most important question is NOT "Do I still love him? (in spite of all this)
This website is a place to share. It's not usual that events on a national stage hit so close to home but I, like many of you, watched Christine Blasey Ford's testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee on national TV. I also watched Brett Kavanaugh's heated denials.
My thoughts were with Kavanaugh's wife. She, like many of us on Not the Life, may have found the whole tears, anger, denial circus sadly familiar. Maybe not. Luckily for her, the committee voted for her husband's version of events. But she must know her husband pretty well (or has come to the conclusion that she doesn't know her husband at all.) In any case she has a long road ahead.
On the other side of the political spectrum, Hilary Clinton says that, years ago, when she was forced to decide whether or not to leave Bill Clinton over his infidelities with Monica Lewinski (et. al.) she asked herself what she says is the most important question: "Do I still love him?"
I beg to differ. When faced with this impossible choice, even if we tell ourselves "Yes I still love him" we have to ask ourselves, "Does this person deserve my love?" Is this person now (or willing to become) honest/ trustworthy? Is he into "victim blaming" Does he expect me to follow along lockstep with his version of events in spite of what I know about his proclivities/weaknesses, (perhaps his drinking, his bullying, his other betrayals?)
When we can say "Yes" with a clear conscience to the second question: "Yes, he worthy of my love?" then, and only then, can we decide the question "Should we stay? Or should we go?"
And proceed down the long difficult road set before us.
My thoughts were with Kavanaugh's wife. She, like many of us on Not the Life, may have found the whole tears, anger, denial circus sadly familiar. Maybe not. Luckily for her, the committee voted for her husband's version of events. But she must know her husband pretty well (or has come to the conclusion that she doesn't know her husband at all.) In any case she has a long road ahead.
On the other side of the political spectrum, Hilary Clinton says that, years ago, when she was forced to decide whether or not to leave Bill Clinton over his infidelities with Monica Lewinski (et. al.) she asked herself what she says is the most important question: "Do I still love him?"
I beg to differ. When faced with this impossible choice, even if we tell ourselves "Yes I still love him" we have to ask ourselves, "Does this person deserve my love?" Is this person now (or willing to become) honest/ trustworthy? Is he into "victim blaming" Does he expect me to follow along lockstep with his version of events in spite of what I know about his proclivities/weaknesses, (perhaps his drinking, his bullying, his other betrayals?)
When we can say "Yes" with a clear conscience to the second question: "Yes, he worthy of my love?" then, and only then, can we decide the question "Should we stay? Or should we go?"
And proceed down the long difficult road set before us.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
The man who molested my children died last night He died unrepentant, blaming others, spouting lies. In the end he was trapped in his own denial, unable to find a new path, unable to change even if he'd wanted to. His adamant denial painted him into a corner from which he never dared escape.
He went to meet his maker still attacking those he betrayed, still calling them "liar," still denying harms he'd committed, still denying responsibility for his actions. His narrative insisted he was the "real" victim pilloried by an "unfair" system. Nothing he had ever done was as bad as what "they" had done to him. His faithful defenders took up his refrain. They attacked and silenced all those who questioned his version blaming everyone but him. They needed to believe his protestations of "innocence" in order to escape the shame and blame that accrues to family members, in order to escape collateral damage.
After all these years, I don't know whether to mourn or celebrate his passing. I feel angry but mostly I feel sad that he saved all his sympathy for himself. He chose to inflict the same harm he once suffered in his childhood, upon his own children who trusted him. Even after his "memorial" service, his betrayals, his denials, continue to divide family members who must fall silent in each other's presence. We "keep the peace" fearing, should we speak out, there will be an attack from across the divide his actions and his denials continue to create. Thus the wounds he inflicted cycle on in this family even after his death.
For with death, all chance he might someday say, "Sorry" or make difficult amends passes with him. In death, he too lost all opportunity to choose change, grow past his own "bad childhood," gain self-respect, recover and, in the process, put paid to his own trauma and help us all heal from festering wounds he inflicted.
Instead, with his ever-shifting denials, he unwittingly painted himself into a corner from which he couldn't escape. His poor-me stories gathered a group of staunch believers/ intrepid defenders. In his defense, they ruthlessly and self-righteously went on the attack. Even had he wanted to speak the truth, acknowledge harms done, change, recover, he dared not. After all, he'd lied to his defender's too. In doing so he betrayed their trust just as he'd betrayed the trust of the children who once trusted him not to take sexual advantage of their vulnerability. They wouldn't take kindly to knowing his stories had made fools of them, his lies had betrayed them too. How could they avoid shame and blame after defending him to the bitter end?
Thus, he'd glued himself in place. He had to stick by his lies if, for no other reason to continue in the good graces "protectors." prevent them from turning on him. He couldn't tell the truth, couldn't grow, couldn't experience a change of heart or reach out to make amends to victims. So bought into their own role as "blameless defenders" his "saviors." If he admitted the truth, showed remorse, changed with age, they'd have been forced to see themselves differently also. What if in their quest to be seen as blameless in front of the neighbors, they abandoned him?
So, for whatever reason, he never admitted to truths necessary to seek change. Even after his death, his lies live on, assume a toxic afterlife. Family members still take sides, attack each other across the divide. His "saviors" repeat his version: He's their martyr. Others, struggle on, "keeping the Peace," with their own truth still trapped, silenced by fear of more attacks.
Should silence cease and truth rear it's ugly head, what would become of family then?
He's gone but t's not over. Why not take the easy way? Why not tiptoe off in silence now that he's dead? Why speak up now? Why post this blog on Not the Life?
Because this is not the Life I thought I was choosing when we two married. Because this family is drifting furth and further apart in the Silence. What about the next generation of my family? He harmed his children in the same ways he was harmed as a child. Even in death, the silenced legacy of sexual abuse cycles on in this family. Lies fester.
Overcoming fear, speaking out, reaching out, matters because, (as I have learned on Not the Life,) sharing the truth has power to heal us all regardless which 'side' we're on. Speaking out means we have an opportunity to discover the 3rd path, find healing, find a restorative justice. Staying silent only extends the harms done.
Perhaps if my Ex had dared admit the truth sooner, perhaps restorative justice might have restored him as well as the separated parts of this family. It might have offered him a path back and given him a real opportunity to exit the "corner' he'd painted himself (and this family.) He might have made a new life before death took away his opportunity for change.
Did females in his family insist upon his claim of "innocence" because in their heart of hearts they believed "Once a sex offender, always a sex offender"? Did they stifle the truth, attack his victims, because they believed no one "like that"could ever change? If so, he kept up the charade and drank himself to death instead.
I wonder how many more families, quick to spring to the defense of a loved one after the police knocked on the door, fail to see that in their adamant defense of his "innocence,' they require their loved to stay stuck in denial for the rest of his life their sakes as much as for his?
Take care, Janet Mackie
After all these years, I don't know whether to mourn or celebrate his passing. I feel angry but mostly I feel sad that he saved all his sympathy for himself. He chose to inflict the same harm he once suffered in his childhood, upon his own children who trusted him. Even after his "memorial" service, his betrayals, his denials, continue to divide family members who must fall silent in each other's presence. We "keep the peace" fearing, should we speak out, there will be an attack from across the divide his actions and his denials continue to create. Thus the wounds he inflicted cycle on in this family even after his death.
For with death, all chance he might someday say, "Sorry" or make difficult amends passes with him. In death, he too lost all opportunity to choose change, grow past his own "bad childhood," gain self-respect, recover and, in the process, put paid to his own trauma and help us all heal from festering wounds he inflicted.
Instead, with his ever-shifting denials, he unwittingly painted himself into a corner from which he couldn't escape. His poor-me stories gathered a group of staunch believers/ intrepid defenders. In his defense, they ruthlessly and self-righteously went on the attack. Even had he wanted to speak the truth, acknowledge harms done, change, recover, he dared not. After all, he'd lied to his defender's too. In doing so he betrayed their trust just as he'd betrayed the trust of the children who once trusted him not to take sexual advantage of their vulnerability. They wouldn't take kindly to knowing his stories had made fools of them, his lies had betrayed them too. How could they avoid shame and blame after defending him to the bitter end?
Thus, he'd glued himself in place. He had to stick by his lies if, for no other reason to continue in the good graces "protectors." prevent them from turning on him. He couldn't tell the truth, couldn't grow, couldn't experience a change of heart or reach out to make amends to victims. So bought into their own role as "blameless defenders" his "saviors." If he admitted the truth, showed remorse, changed with age, they'd have been forced to see themselves differently also. What if in their quest to be seen as blameless in front of the neighbors, they abandoned him?
So, for whatever reason, he never admitted to truths necessary to seek change. Even after his death, his lies live on, assume a toxic afterlife. Family members still take sides, attack each other across the divide. His "saviors" repeat his version: He's their martyr. Others, struggle on, "keeping the Peace," with their own truth still trapped, silenced by fear of more attacks.
Should silence cease and truth rear it's ugly head, what would become of family then?
He's gone but t's not over. Why not take the easy way? Why not tiptoe off in silence now that he's dead? Why speak up now? Why post this blog on Not the Life?
Because this is not the Life I thought I was choosing when we two married. Because this family is drifting furth and further apart in the Silence. What about the next generation of my family? He harmed his children in the same ways he was harmed as a child. Even in death, the silenced legacy of sexual abuse cycles on in this family. Lies fester.
Overcoming fear, speaking out, reaching out, matters because, (as I have learned on Not the Life,) sharing the truth has power to heal us all regardless which 'side' we're on. Speaking out means we have an opportunity to discover the 3rd path, find healing, find a restorative justice. Staying silent only extends the harms done.
Perhaps if my Ex had dared admit the truth sooner, perhaps restorative justice might have restored him as well as the separated parts of this family. It might have offered him a path back and given him a real opportunity to exit the "corner' he'd painted himself (and this family.) He might have made a new life before death took away his opportunity for change.
Did females in his family insist upon his claim of "innocence" because in their heart of hearts they believed "Once a sex offender, always a sex offender"? Did they stifle the truth, attack his victims, because they believed no one "like that"could ever change? If so, he kept up the charade and drank himself to death instead.
I wonder how many more families, quick to spring to the defense of a loved one after the police knocked on the door, fail to see that in their adamant defense of his "innocence,' they require their loved to stay stuck in denial for the rest of his life their sakes as much as for his?
Take care, Janet Mackie
Saturday, August 11, 2018
Ever wonder How mob violence and 'COLLATERAL DAMAGE' "just happens?" Wonder why adding the indelible label "Rapist" to Mexican, triggers mob prejudice and justifies violence against all of us.
Google "How Evil Happens" by Noga Arikha for the
brain science answer to Why even family attacks us
if we choose to stay after the Knock on the door...
It also may explain why recidivism is very low/ almost
non-existent once our loved one (finally) released from
prison. It's a long (sort of 'technical) read' but if
I understand what the article is telling us all, being bullied and coerced is what ultimately
causes neurological change and has bad consequences)
down the road for us all. )
It also might help to explain the mob mentality exhibited at
the 'show trial' of Larry Nasser.
And why my father was so obsessed with becoming a
man just like his father, that he forgot to care about the
damage he was inflicting and abused us just as his
father abused him as a child...
https://aeon.co/essays/is-neuroscience-getting-closer-to-explaining-evil-behaviour;
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Some thoughts on ancient prejudices, collateral damage and healing. My 'take' on Larry Nasser's "Show trial": Revenge is not Justice even when the accused actually is guilty. To be just, Justice must not be a 'show trial' it must offer some means of "restoration" for the community at large, for the abused, those of us who experiencing collateral damage and, yes, even the abuser, Mob Justice/ revenge (perhaps especially against those who are guilty ) should not be used to rile everyone up, renew prejudice, and re-elect politicians
Revenge is not justice and a “show trial” followed inevitably by a hanging "no matter what the circumstances" only convinces the lynch mob (and apparently the judge) that their prejudice about people who abuse ( “ once a...always a”) was right all along. It gives impetus to revenge and dead-end beliefs that say the only way to stop an "abuser" is to hang/incarcerate or place in Civil Commitment Forever-and-Ever. Collateral damage all around. The only way to 'help' is to cast the family out along with the abuser if we don't eagerly join the lynch mob.
But....
The old joke about a trial followed by a hanging (even when the person on trial probably is guilty,) does not lend itself to restorative justice or healing even for Larry Nasser's ‘victims’ who now have to remain forever labeled Larry Nassar’s “victims’ just to prove Larry Nassar is the forever “Monster’ the "justice system" says he is in order to continue to justify the 'hanging' that followed his trial., (After all if they manage to heal and become survivors who go on with their lives, how does that justify the continued prejudice that says "Once a...forever a..."? So they have to do their part and remain forever traumatized "Once a victim...always a victim"?
After what amounted to a show trial followed by a "death sentence" handed down by the judge, what abuser would dare raise his hand and ask for help? Won't such a vengeful 'justice" just scare off any and all abusers who might want help / who realize they are abusive and want to stop? And what family member will dare raise their hand and report after seeing what ‘justice’ is in store for weeping victims or even for abusers (some of whom they may still love?)
Check out this story on USATODAY.com: https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7
Larry Nassar, through his court-appointed attorneys, has asked for a new
judge to sentence him, saying that Judge Rosemarie Aquilina was
'admittedly not an unbiased and impartial judge.'
Check out this story on USATODAY.com: https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7
Take care, Janet Mackie
But....
The old joke about a trial followed by a hanging (even when the person on trial probably is guilty,) does not lend itself to restorative justice or healing even for Larry Nasser's ‘victims’ who now have to remain forever labeled Larry Nassar’s “victims’ just to prove Larry Nassar is the forever “Monster’ the "justice system" says he is in order to continue to justify the 'hanging' that followed his trial., (After all if they manage to heal and become survivors who go on with their lives, how does that justify the continued prejudice that says "Once a...forever a..."? So they have to do their part and remain forever traumatized "Once a victim...always a victim"?
After what amounted to a show trial followed by a "death sentence" handed down by the judge, what abuser would dare raise his hand and ask for help? Won't such a vengeful 'justice" just scare off any and all abusers who might want help / who realize they are abusive and want to stop? And what family member will dare raise their hand and report after seeing what ‘justice’ is in store for weeping victims or even for abusers (some of whom they may still love?)
Check out this story on USATODAY.com: https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7
After all, Nassar said he was molested as a child (#MeToo) I don’t believe that absolves him of his choice to become and continue as an abuser. But wouldn’t it have been a far better outcome for him to have received help as a child/ or even as an adult? What if he'd felt free to have dared ask for help before or shortly after he began?
For an abuser or an abused person or a family member to be brave enough to reach out for help before harm is done (or even shortly after) requires bravery in this present social climate. We live silenced lives in fear of being cast out should we acknowledge there is a (Silenced) problem if we ask for help or speak out about abuse.
But if someone ( especially Larry Nassar) had been able to break the silence and stop the abuse years ago, that would have saved the 200 some weeping victims? Wouldn't Breaking the Silence ( and being met by restorative justice instead fear of the lynch mob) have been better than supporting a revenge model of "justice" which Silences and ultimately allows more harm (even cycling from generation to generation as in my family)
As family members, as children, as wives/gf's/ mothers perhaps even past/ present victims, we are often caught in the middle. We have a unique perspective because we are the ones/ the families that the current system often also victimizes /leaves un-restored.
What do you think?
Larry Nassar seeks resentencing, wants judge who signed his 'death
warrant' off caseLarry Nassar, through his court-appointed attorneys, has asked for a new
judge to sentence him, saying that Judge Rosemarie Aquilina was
'admittedly not an unbiased and impartial judge.'
Check out this story on USATODAY.com: https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7https://usat.ly/2v5ReG7
Take care, Janet Mackie
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Speaking of Hate Speach. Sticks and Stone may break our bones but it's those Loaded Words that wound us all the most...
Before any of us dare break the Silence and begin to talk openly airing our side of the issue we need to find ways to refer to each other that don't further inflame the lynch mob.
I’m assuming the common ground we all advocate for is effective intervention and prevention? Or, at least, more kindness and less cruelty in word and deed all round?
and perhaps less collateral damage for wives, mothers, and families to deal with.
We need to find new language (instead of just repeating the indelible labels such as Predator, Monster, Dangerous Sexual Psychopath. All of these indelible labels carry old baggage that only serves to inflame and re-energize lynch mobs, prosecutors, and the unthinking public. I believe we need to move from once a ("perpetrator")...forever a ( #$%^&) language that benefits no one and extinguishes hope.
Otherwise if we keep pounding each other with what sometimes amounts to hate speech, how will we move from punitive to restorative justice and work together reach our goal of preventing harm/ collateral damage to all concerned?
I’m concerned that the #MeToo movement, while it does break the silence, seems so into vengeance (#Time’s Up) etc. I’m glad women and men (and even children) are feeling powerful enough to speak up, break the silence but if we are only going to use old labels, scream at each other from across the prison yard and play hurtful Gotcha! in family gatherings, I doubt we will usher in the change we need to actually make a difference in our lives going forward.
I’m assuming the common ground we all advocate for is effective intervention and prevention? Or, at least, more kindness and less cruelty in word and deed all round?
and perhaps less collateral damage for wives, mothers, and families to deal with.
We need to find new language (instead of just repeating the indelible labels such as Predator, Monster, Dangerous Sexual Psychopath. All of these indelible labels carry old baggage that only serves to inflame and re-energize lynch mobs, prosecutors, and the unthinking public. I believe we need to move from once a ("perpetrator")...forever a ( #$%^&) language that benefits no one and extinguishes hope.
Otherwise if we keep pounding each other with what sometimes amounts to hate speech, how will we move from punitive to restorative justice and work together reach our goal of preventing harm/ collateral damage to all concerned?
I’m concerned that the #MeToo movement, while it does break the silence, seems so into vengeance (#Time’s Up) etc. I’m glad women and men (and even children) are feeling powerful enough to speak up, break the silence but if we are only going to use old labels, scream at each other from across the prison yard and play hurtful Gotcha! in family gatherings, I doubt we will usher in the change we need to actually make a difference in our lives going forward.
Imagine if Larry Nasser, the coach for the girls Olympic Gymnastic team (who told the court he too had been molested as a child) had been more able/ motivated / felt safe enough to raise his hand as a little boy and say he had been molested. What if he had not been shamed into silence? What if he had asked for help and actually received real help before (or shortly after) he began to act? How many girls, how much harm would have been prevented not only to the girls but to himself?
Instead, years later, we saw 50 girls molested, weeping and enraged as they testified at what was a Public Spectacle more than a real exercise injustice. Then the judge took the opportunity to pile on. Punishment is not justice and it avails us nothing. It neither heals nor does it prevent.
Nasser will never see the light of day and those girls will forever be labeled "victim." In my judgment, Not a good outcome for either “side.” So they have 'saved' his "victims" and thrown him into the sh*t pile forever marked Predator. If he ever sees a parole board they will prbably just put him into some "Civil Commitment Facility." marked dangerous sexual psychopaths.
As far as I'm concerned the 900,000 names currently listed on this country's Registry is a testimony to the sad fact that current methods have failed 900,000 times. But until we can sit down and openly speak to each other in non-inflammatory terms, until I feel safe enough to speak aloud, Restorative Justice and recovery will remain beyond anyone's reach.
Instead, years later, we saw 50 girls molested, weeping and enraged as they testified at what was a Public Spectacle more than a real exercise injustice. Then the judge took the opportunity to pile on. Punishment is not justice and it avails us nothing. It neither heals nor does it prevent.
As far as I'm concerned the 900,000 names currently listed on this country's Registry is a testimony to the sad fact that current methods have failed 900,000 times. But until we can sit down and openly speak to each other in non-inflammatory terms, until I feel safe enough to speak aloud, Restorative Justice and recovery will remain beyond anyone's reach.
As some of you may remember, I have been writing a memoir tracing child sexual abuse down through 4 generations of my own family from pioneer times to the present.
I finally got it written. Now I'm in the process of getting 'blurbs' (recommendations) for the back cover and making final decisions like which title to use.
The title has morphed as I wrote and edited (and then corrected) the book which is a family saga tracing child sexual abuse through 4 generations of my family from Pioneer Days the present.
At first, I thought the title should be Treated Like a Girl since both boys and girls in my family were molested and some went on to molest others in succeeding generations.
Then I tried A Sex Offender's Wife, A Daughter's Life, A Mother's Voice Speaking Out.
Then a beta reader who read the memoir (version 2000000) suggested The Sex Offender's Legacy, Silenced Lives and I settled on that. However every time law enforcement knocks on my door, I am treated to yet another personal experience of how wounding indelible labels are. The newer label "Sex Offender at least seems to carry less baggage. But how much collateral damage is done because we as a group, even those advocating for fairness and change have not found language to speak to each other human-being-to-human-being across the great divide that is the Sex Offender Registry? Because who knows what we are referring to when we say "registrant" or even "offender?"
In any case, The title of my completed memoir (I haven't yet loaded it onto Create Space) is SILENCED LIVES, the Sex Offender's Legacy.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
STEREOTYPING THAT DEHUMANIZES: Not the Life I Chose. Not the Label I Chose either. After the police knocked on my door. I became 'one of those women' who loved a sex offender; one of those women who visited a sex offender in prison; one of those women who lived right there so I must have known? At least that's what implicit bias and my (new) labels said
Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment |
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By Gwenda Willis, PhD, Alissa Ackerman, PhD, & David Prescott, LICSW
The joint MASOC/MATSA conference took place earlier this month in Marlborough, Massachusetts. In a presentation on establishing person-first language across the fields of sexual abuse treatment and prevention, we (Gwen and Alissa) began our session introducing ourselves by several of the labels we hold. Gwen introduced herself as New Zealander, wife, friend, colleague, researcher, clinical psychologist, ATSA member and advocate. Alissa followed with mother, wife, lesbian, friend, colleague, professor, ATSA member, public speaker, advocate, and survivor, among others.
In this interactive presentation, we prompted attendees to explore the labels they use to describe themselves and the people they work with. Like us, attendees were spouses, parents, clinicians and advocates. Some were animal lovers and some were music lovers. All participants used positive labels to describe who they are. Next, we asked participants to describe who they work with and we explored which of these might not be self-selected by the very people we work with. Overwhelmingly, the labels we used to describe the individuals we work with were those that our clients might not use to describe themselves. Some of these labels included “victim”, “ex-prisoner”, “sexually violent person” and “offender”.
Importantly, there was agreement that use of such labels in our field is widespread: beyond their use in everyday conversation, such language is rife in the names of treatment programs, agencies, professional organisations and academic publications. The American Psychological Association (APA), The National Association of Social Workers (NASW) and most professional organizations even tangentially related to our field articulate the need for person-first language in their Codes of Ethics, and yet in our field, we tend not to honor this need. Do we have an ethical dilemma?
As part of our presentation, we considered core ethical principles of helping professionals including respect for human dignity, professional integrity and beneficence and non-maleficence. We discussed how the “victim” and “survivor” labels might be self-selected by some people and not others, despite similar lived experiences. Similarly, we acknowledged that some individuals with pedophilic interests self-identify as “pedophiles” while other individuals with pedophilic interests would find the “pedophile” label repulsive.
We cannot assume which labels people want to use to describe themselves and if we truly honor human dignity, we must call people by what they prefer to be called. It is a matter of basic respect. For example, in our introductions, Alissa used the label “lesbian” to describe herself, while Gwen did not, despite both of us being married to same-sex spouses.
Discussion turned to the inaccuracies that normative labels such as “offender” and “abuser” portray – that anyone assigned such a label has the same (i.e., high) risk of reoffending. As professionals working to address misperceptions about sexual abuse we highlighted the importance of communicating accurately about individuals who have abused, in the hope that they will have opportunities to live safe, fulfilling and offense-free lives. We turned to labels with scientific validity, including “psychopath” and “pedophile”, and conversation returned to their potential to stigmatises and ostracise. Finally, we explored how labels might hinder the work we do to promote desistance from offending as well as healing from sexual abuse: What messages do the “offender” and “victim” labels communicate? Possibly that this is how we see you. In the criminological literature, labelling theory suggests that the individuals internalize the labels we use to describe them and often live their lives accordingly.
How might we transcend potentially stigmatizing labels? We introduced person-first language as an alternative to potentially stigmatizing language, which separates the person (e.g., man, woman, young person, individual, child) from a condition, disorder or behavior (e.g., individual adjudicated for a sexual offense, people who have committed crimes of a sexual nature).
Labels are commonplace in every-day communication, and when self-selected they can aid communication. However, assigned to us, labels have potential to stigmatises and harm. As highlighted by Brene Brown (2017):
“The sorting we do to ourselves and to one another is, at best, unintentional and reflexive. At worst, it is stereotyping that dehumanizes. The paradox is that we all love the ready-made filing system, so handy when we want to quickly categorize people, but we resent it when we’re the ones getting filed away” (p. 48)
Person-first language avoids making assumptions about how someone wants to be labeled. Additional exploration of issues raised in this blog and guidance on person-first language can be found in the 6th edition of the APA Publication Manual (American Psychological Association, 2010) and in Willis (in press).
In some quarters, the push towards person-first language has existed for years. It has occurred in other areas of psychology and human service (Willis, in press) as well as the field of treating adolescents who have sexually abused. Although it has long been known that adolescents can change dramatically over time, it is also worth remembering that adults can, and very often do, change as well. Further, the contexts in which they live their lives can change dramatically as well Now that our field knows what it does about building desistance and managing risk, it is clear that the use of labels has now outlived its usefulness. Indeed, it can cause harm.
References
American Psychological Association. (2010). Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association (6th ed.). Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness. New York, NY: Random House.
Willis, G. M. (in press). Why call someone by what we don’t want them to be? The ethics of labelling in forensic/correctional psychology. Psychology, Crime & Law doi: 10.1080/1068316X.2017.1421640
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Wednesday, May 2, 2018
I promise to get back to posting regularly in support of all the women who visit Not the Life in hopes of finding other women who have heard the knock on the door and are trying to make sense of a life they too Didn't Choose.but are trying to understand
I haven't posted regularly because I've been finishing up my own memoir, The Sex Offender's Legacy, Silenced Lives. In the memoir I connect the dots between my own childhood sexual abuse by my father (which I thought began with me) and the generational transmission of sexual abuse down through 4 generations of my family beginning with my grandfather, my father, myself, my brothers, my sons and daughter but ending now (if I can do anything to prevent the future by speaking out/ connecting the dots.)
Maybe you too have heard 'rumors' have heard stories in your own family? Maybe "your" sex offender told you he was molested in his own childhood. Not everyone who experiences being molested grows up to molest nor do they marry a man strangely like their father. My brothers were molested and chose not to molest but they've struggled with the after-effects of their childhood trauma all their lives.
Wives and mothers and family members are all so silenced and so afraid of "exposure" that we keep silent. We fail to share the wider story. We don't understand that often this sexual abuse didn't begin with us or originate in our little families but often has a larger (whispered) history of family trauma.
I'm not sure if I'd realized it would take 6 years to write, edit and begin to understand what happened in my family of origin, that I'd have had the courage to begin, let alone continue.
It's taken a long time to overcome my fear, to blog, write and speak honestly about what I've discovered about the traumas that led up to sexual abuse in my life and cycled through my extended family.
I decided to go ahead and aim for publication on Create Space and Kindle this year in spite of my fear that shame, blame, and finger-pointing will result because I need to understand myself and want to prevent the continuation of sexual trauma cycling down into the next generation of my family.
In the process, I hope what I write about might help you connect the dots in your own family and prevent the transmission of all this trauma onto your children's children. The choices we make now might (just might) lead to a better understand and instead of a mindset that focuses on punishment after the fact, perhaps we can begin to focus on prevention and healing for the sake of our children and their children.
Anyway, I wanted to pass on the Cure-sort resource and explain why I have not posted regularly on Not the Life (but I hereby resolve to post more regularly in future!)
I'm not sure if I had known what it takes to dig down into my life then write, rewrite and (now) edit a memoir, especially one on this painful topic, that I would have found the courage to even attempt to publish this memoir.
BTW once I realized that sexual abuse didn't begin or end with me/ once I connected the dots in my life I realized the memoir is not only a very personal family story of sexual abuse but I found after the fact that it's called "transgenerational transmission of sexual abuse" What a term for 'connecting the very personal dots that made sexual abuse more likely to continue generation after generation!
The process of writing freed me in ways I never expected. Now I hope the publication of the memoir might help all of us to better connect personal and family dots, help recovery and maybe even better protect those we love from the repetition of the trauma which deformed our own lives.
I hope.
Take Care, Janet Mackie
Maybe you too have heard 'rumors' have heard stories in your own family? Maybe "your" sex offender told you he was molested in his own childhood. Not everyone who experiences being molested grows up to molest nor do they marry a man strangely like their father. My brothers were molested and chose not to molest but they've struggled with the after-effects of their childhood trauma all their lives.
Wives and mothers and family members are all so silenced and so afraid of "exposure" that we keep silent. We fail to share the wider story. We don't understand that often this sexual abuse didn't begin with us or originate in our little families but often has a larger (whispered) history of family trauma.
I'm not sure if I'd realized it would take 6 years to write, edit and begin to understand what happened in my family of origin, that I'd have had the courage to begin, let alone continue.
It's taken a long time to overcome my fear, to blog, write and speak honestly about what I've discovered about the traumas that led up to sexual abuse in my life and cycled through my extended family.
I decided to go ahead and aim for publication on Create Space and Kindle this year in spite of my fear that shame, blame, and finger-pointing will result because I need to understand myself and want to prevent the continuation of sexual trauma cycling down into the next generation of my family.
In the process, I hope what I write about might help you connect the dots in your own family and prevent the transmission of all this trauma onto your children's children. The choices we make now might (just might) lead to a better understand and instead of a mindset that focuses on punishment after the fact, perhaps we can begin to focus on prevention and healing for the sake of our children and their children.
Anyway, I wanted to pass on the Cure-sort resource and explain why I have not posted regularly on Not the Life (but I hereby resolve to post more regularly in future!)
I'm not sure if I had known what it takes to dig down into my life then write, rewrite and (now) edit a memoir, especially one on this painful topic, that I would have found the courage to even attempt to publish this memoir.
BTW once I realized that sexual abuse didn't begin or end with me/ once I connected the dots in my life I realized the memoir is not only a very personal family story of sexual abuse but I found after the fact that it's called "transgenerational transmission of sexual abuse" What a term for 'connecting the very personal dots that made sexual abuse more likely to continue generation after generation!
The process of writing freed me in ways I never expected. Now I hope the publication of the memoir might help all of us to better connect personal and family dots, help recovery and maybe even better protect those we love from the repetition of the trauma which deformed our own lives.
I hope.
Take Care, Janet Mackie
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
A Website about the genuine possibility of recovery ( https://www.cure-sort.org/ ) plus an article about Electronic Monitoring. Is an ankle bracelet a viable choice or does it make us just our loved one's unpaid jailer while barring real recovery?
| cure-sort@googlegroups.com Link to a valuable website: https://www.cure-sort.org/https://www.cure-sort.org/ |
Google Groups | 
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| Michael Dell <spikeco558@gmail.com>: Apr 30 03:52PM -0600 ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: James Kilgore <jjincu@gmail.com <mailto:jjincu@gmail.com> > Date: Mon, Apr 23, 2018 at 3:03 PM Subject: [Electronic Monitoring] James Kilgore article ...more |
Saturday, February 17, 2018
A Gift for Valentines day: Help in finding a community of Families/ finding others who 'weathered the storm' found community, survived and now reach out to help other women like us realize that they, too, are not alone at the most frightening time of our lives.
We Understand; Not the life keeps going/ keeps posting because women need a place to grow stronger after the poilce "Knock on our door:"
There has been quite a bit of discussion lately on Not the Life, regarding finding reliable treatment, especially for wives and families. Cure-Sort has been around a long time (as attested to by the somewhat old-fashioned name: Citizens United for the Rehabilitation of Errants.) They are there to promote professional treatment as a means of addressing the issues of Prevention and recidvism. We need to find treatment providers who can be fair and helpful without twisting everything we say into their own belief system.
Many women find Not the Life because we feel so alone when we are thrown into the justice system. They threaten us with the loss of our children. Many times our husbands are in jail and we have no income, ir don't make enough to cover the bills And then there are Lawyers...
Many of us were sort of coccooned in our lives. We held the same prejudices as everyone else against sex offenders AND their families. We, too thought the mother's must have been (at least partially) to blame because we believed "those mother's" must have known, after all they lived right there...and then we heard the knock on our own door and found out what it's like to be tossed out of the lives we thought we were living into the reality of life on the "other side" We find out our neighbors now consider us to be one of "Those peoeple" we too once said bad things about.
Once a sex offender always a sex offender is not true" but how do we know when our loved one has 'changed'? How do we know he even wants to change or who he (or we) will be once we get through "all this'
One important thing to do is to educate ourselves. CURE-SORT is another good place to start:
Sex Offenders Restored through Treatment (SORT), a non-profit advocacy membership organization incorporated in Michigan and tax exempt under IRC section 501(c)(3), was founded in 1990 by a group of people dedicated to promoting professional treatment as a means for addressing the issues of prevention and recidivism. It is an issue chapter of Citizens United for the Rehabilitation of Errants (National CURE) and is referred to as CURE-SORT.
CURE-SORT works to provide information, resources, contacts, and support to individuals, families, defense attorneys, treatment providers, public media, legislators, law enforcement personnel, and other professionals who work with or are interested in issues of sexual abuse and its prevention. Our website is rich with news, information about assessment, treatment, recovery and educational resources and links to related websites and stakeholders. We also publish a quarterly newsletter called CURE-SORT News and back issues are available on the website.
In this forum we encourage group members to share news, helpful information and links that further our mission.
If you wish to join this Google Group, there is no cost. Just send an email to info@cure-sort.org with your physical mail address, a short note on your interest and in the subject line put Request to Join.
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Or if you are not ready to "join" but want to find out more about CURE-SORT
Google https://www.cure-sort.org/advocacy.html and just poke around, and find out what they may have to offer you or your family.There might even be a chapter in your state. In any case maybe you won't feel so alone after all.
If you do go there and poke around, come back to Not the Life and let us know what you found that was (or wasn't) helpful. We all need to know.
Take care, Janet M
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