A Misunderstood Bagel Thief or "just" a Convicted Sex Offender, an innocent Husband,or even my own Father, a Billionaire Banker, Bill Cosby or a Charming Prince,

The fire storm of disbelief and condemnation that greeted Lena Dunham's revelation of rape (http://mic.com/articles/106148/lena-dunham-just-summed-up-the-biggest-problem-with-how-we-talk-about-rape-in-america which she also talked about in her own memoir)  brings up, for me a related issue:  Dunham's detractors especially questioned  "how exactly to Define Rape" questioned whether she  actually  was raped or was NOT actually raped in the light of  their definition.)

The "fire storm"  brings up a related issue for me and most mothers like me caught up in the mailstrom that results when  our own child reports being molested. (never mind the legal definition of molest or the neighbors or the families "definition" of our child's pain filled experience)

What mother and wives run into is the buzz saw of  who and how they   
choose to define  Mother.  As in She was right there, how could she NOT know etc etc ad nauseum.) and then the judging and the self judging until we find a place like Not the Life where we must come to our own conclusions about what it means to be a mother to a molested child and/wife (or grand,mother mother related to the molester) Religious, or legal or social Definitions don't suffice.

Lately there seems to be a lot of discussion about whether to believe children who report sexual abuse or wait, redefine, allow an uncertain justice and expensive lawyers to define just "what happened." Mothers wonder which words to use to characterize those accused  (we also have to come to terms with who we are or thought we were before the knock on the door.) thus what to term the "crime" if they committed it, and if it is proven and.. Anyway,  what words, by whose definitions  DO we   explain "it"  to the neighbors, to our other kids,  never mind what words do we find  to explain "this" betrayal to  ourselves? Do we even define "it" as a betrayal of ourselves?)

This  question of definition and condemnation is what we all deal with as Wives and Mothers and Victims  commenting on Not the Life I Chose.  How we chose to define this problem  largely decides what we do about solving our future. What words do we use?  Of course we probably would not marry a known convicted sexual predator but if we our husband was accused and we were already married  couldn't the crime be  other-wise defined? Couldn't we just rely on the religious definition of Good wife? Perhaps. Perhaps not. We dread labeling and perhaps condemning ourselves even in our own minds no matter the definition we "choose" others will certainly define us as failures and condemn us. By definition, no mother allows this to "happen" to a child she is sworn to protect. No omniscient loving mother could NOT know. Could she?

We tell ourselves that we are the Not-criminals but we're getting  treated like criminals.  Such crimes (and such re-definition) is not only confined to our own neighborhoods, not only to our own betrayed and misunderstood and grieving families. Some of us just choose to deny and  smile right along with our "I'm innocent" husband. W hat ever you decide about Bill, Camille Cosby has a wonderful smile and she has been smiling for Bill for going on 50 years.

As I began to edit the manuscript of  my own "incest" memoir  questions about language arose. I also asked myself over and over "Why didn't I just know?" After all I grew up in an incest family. Yet, I chose to marry a man strangely like my own Father who incested my children. (did you know that there is no such blunt word as incested? Nor does the  word "incester" exist to cleanly describe a father who incests his small son or daughter? I know, even incests does not exist, you must go around the bush and refer to someone who "commits incest.")

And notice sexual language becomes murkier (and more impersonal / third person  ) yet when you enter into the realms of religion and law and Polite Society. The language of Stranger Danger intrudes: Pedophile priest, Pedophile Coach or Scout master...but is a father or grandfather who has long preferred sex with his own underage family also a Pedophile or a serial/ generational incester? If a Child Pornographer only sells imaged of sex trafficked children to middle class surfers, does that mean that Daddy's who surf are only exercising their right to Free Speech?

Yet I followed scrupulously followed  directions in the same religious script laid down by church and society and by my mother and grandmother. How could I not have just known? Trained in dependency I happily put my trust in my husband. I would have said our marriage was "Happy." Given the words I knew how could I have even  imagined a Disney movie like Frozen in which my Prince Charming was actually the bad guy. My script said Cinderella married her hero husband  and they "Rode off into the Sunset"  They "Lived Happily Ever After." He was Prince Charming after all.

Writing my memoir,  made me  examine the language I was taught by religion and society and by the women and men in my family. I realized the denial of descriptors and action words and the alternate selection of "appropriate" words-to-describe or even characterize what my father did to me and what my husband did to my children made the pain  vague  and never-specific and above all my fault. How could I have reported  virtually, nothing in forbidden "words " I did not know? Children are taught NOT to say "No" to adults. The words we were taught allowed/ protected/ covered up /silenced even the knowledge of incest and sexual abuse rampant in my family (and in society) My father told me he was  "Giving me a good spanking " when he took me into the bedroom  and molested and hit. What was there to report? That my father spanked me because I had been naughty?  It was a spare the rod spoil the child world and the words came straight from the Bible. "God says..."

Our words demonize "them" too, as Stranger Danger (never as Fathers) they are blood thirsty Strangers Serial killers who could not be the upstanding husbands and fathers who only touched us down there while we slept or brought us up in the way we should go with an occasional "good spanking"  "They" are Not defined as fathers Surfing the internet who only watched pornography (or took trophy pictures of us) since pornography also is widely defined as a victim-less video crime (much as our permitted words would have us believe that whatever  our fathers "may have done" in the night was also victim-less because we had no words to describe our victimization and thus we should  erase ourselves and our inexplicable pain. ) "Don't think about "it." "Forget and forgive." "Be quiet, you will only embarrass yourself." So, you got-yourself-pregnant?" By our words or absence of words we participate in Un-defining even ourselves. Thus we also Un-define our children as having human rights as human beings worthy of the  protections owed all this world's children.

It gets so confusing. No wonder our heads swim.  But the Re-definition goes on.  For example Jonathan Turley ( jonathanturley ) in his blog about convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein (Billionaire Banker, procurer and videographer of underage girls performing sexual acts with the world's rich and famous, Turley (read the entire post at  jonathanturley )  indicates that:

"Shortly after his release from prison, he (Epstein) was quoted as denying that he is a real criminal and said “I’m not a sexual predator, I’m an ‘offender’. It’s the difference between a murderer and a person who steals a bagel.”).   Apparently, by Epstien's definition, a rose by any other name is simly a bagel thief?

In religious circles and nice neighborhoods, sexual predators are defined only as "Stranger Danger." Nice Girls living at home are at least technically safe,  Virginal in mind and body (or at least by reputation) Nice Girls do not know nor do they speak  aloud "dirty" words for sexual activities whic do not actually occur down there. Only Bad little Girls even imagine there might be something going on down there or posses/speak aloud  descriptive words to complain (in this society all descriptive words are considered dirty: cunt, butt-f**, suck, blow,  any service the famous F-word in any of it's manifestations might describe are proof-positive the Nice Girl is gone Bad.) Such f-words constitute all the descriptions any resident Bagel Thief might use to tell us exactly how to service them after mom leaves for church)

The very fact that we "imagined" Bagel Thief words only proved (according to the Bagel Thief himself that we were Bad boys and girls fantasizing rape to  seduce even our own upstanding father or coach or grandfather or....  Such a Bad Girl (or Boy) might certainly be dismissed as confused or crazy. Bad girls are subject to slut-shaming by good girls and silenced by their worried mothers.  We were supposed just say No, just to point to down there. And if the incest report were believed  WE were the children removed from our own home just as the bagel Thief had often warned would happen to us if were were bad and "told on" our father...   (Removal was Proof Enough that We were the Bad little Seeds, the rebellious ones who "got ourselves" pregnant, the liars, the crazy ones.) and therefore should never be believed or taken seriously. (even though the bagel Thief had told us that if we told he would kill our younger brother)

Then their are the Mothers (like my mother, like me  ) who taught me and taught our own children that the Bagel Thief's were indeed right. Mothers like my mother and mothers like me who shush up our own little boys and girls.. Mothers who teach Bagel thief words to the next generation. Mothers who warn over and over, "Now! Be Nice.)  We are the people who marry the Bagel Thief's who mother them and believe them and pass on the virus embedded in language, We are charmed, or engulfed or afraid...like we were in childhood.  When Real Language demands we call a Rose a Rose and a spade a spade we go along with the rest of Nice Society and agree to redefine offenders and take pity upon the poor Bagel Thiefs   We forget and forgive and vague out language  Before we decide whether to stay or to go. Before we decide whether to believe the Bagel Thief or the child, Whether to "mother" our  resident sex offender. or chose to put ourselves and our child first.

In my own experience, Bagel Thieves manage pretty well and if we fail to define ourselves as the sort of loving wife who steps up and put her husband  first, there is always someone  else waiting to define them as "innocent" and us as the ex-, the bad mother we ourselves often fear we were.  You know the mother who believed her child's story instead of redefining  "it"  as just inappropriate... well, maybe there was some inappropriate touching but surely there must have been some misunderstanding of the definition of whatever...

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Discovering Courage to Claim (past, present or "possible") Membership in The Discredited Wives Club...and move on unafraid of "What People will think" ...

As the Wives, ex-wives, girlfriends and mother's with current or former family members accused, adjudicated, imprisoned or on probation, parole or "On the Registry" we have precious few ways to "connect" with each other either in person or even on the internet. We are divided by our own Shame and Denial and by the injustices imposed upon us as family member by  the "Justice System."

 Many of us will spend the rest of our lives trying  to outrun the stigma and the pain. We deny our own experience. We say "our Offender" did not committed the crime. We rail against the unfairness of the discrimination and prejudice we and our children face. We silence and hide and re-marry in hopes of Putting "it" all behind us. We internalize their prejudice and then ask ourselves how WE could have been so stupid?  As though we were at fault. We are indeed The Discredited Wives Club. But, in our shame, we deny ourselves the support,, the strength, the camaraderie of others because we want to return to our own prejudice against "Those Women" We do not want to ever, be one of those deeply discredited women.  You know one of Those women like they show on Netflix  you know one of those"Prisoner's Wives" as pre-defined by whoever made a bundle filming Those women.

 Recently I was talking to a woman heavily involved in "prisoners rights" per se.

When I mentioned the issues faced by women living with parolees...after release, (not even sex offenders) just simply parolees and dealing with parole restrictions (and Parole Officers) and the chilling effect that has on the lives of the women (and children) on women's lives, the Woman, Activist was indeed  amazed> She  said she had never even heard of the issue  (and she made it pretty clear that she still  wasn't at all interested in an issue involving  those women )

She quickly advised " just search the internet"...she was sure WE could find each other somewhere. 

I pointed out that wives and mother's with a family member "On the Registry" or "just" on Parole have no way to connect or discuss the effects of "association with stigma" on families and future... The "prisoner's rights" activist turned off, tuned out...ust went back to obsessing about  prisoners..
Prisoners Rights as an issue  is a  much more .acceptable "injustice" than the rights (or wrongs) experienced by the Discredited Wives Club.

Sex Offenders are required by Parole and Probation Departments in every State to attend Group / Individual Therapy programs...ever heard of a Discredited Wives Support Group?  Even a Discredited Wives Sewing circle?  Nope


The real problem is that unless we get to know one another, unless we "Share" as they say in or out of we are all too likely to just marry quickly and run right back into the same "strangely familiar" territory that allowed us to become the Betrayed Wives eligible for repeat membership in the Discredited Wives Club...  Child sexual abuse, incest, child pornography, is part and parcel of Generational child sexual abuse running through far too many middle class families. How else explain how the perpetrator became a perpetrator himself...how the Perpetrators Family kept the secret we all deny is hiding there.

Failure to acknowledge and deal with our membership (however blamelessly acquired) bleeds directly into the next generation of Family Secrecy and destruction..

Elizabeth: "I chose."

This is a story that was emailed to me. I love it. She made wise choices to protect her children and let them speak. ~ Evie

An email from Elizabeth:
It was four years ago today when I was changing my sick infants diaper that my oldest age 6 told me that her and Daddy had a secret.  My response was that we don’t keep secrets in this family. I guess I should have said I don’t keep secrets in this family. Trusting child that she was she told me her secret and I froze. That’s when Kurt came home; he had been at the store getting medicine for the baby before he had to go to work. He came up stairs handed me the medicine, got dressed for work kissed my forehead and said I love you and walked out the door, I was silent the entire time. Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.  For an hour I stumbled around the house.  I loaded the dishwasher, folded some clothes, and contemplated packing bags for me and my kids and driving from Ga to Wa. Instead I called a local friend and told her that she had to come over or I had to come see her. She said to come over, she later told me that she thought I had found out Kurt had cheated on me, that detail didn’t sink in til almost a year later. The first thing she asked after I got the courage to spit out the words was “are you going to stay?” Honestly that thought never crossed my mind. I fought hard to keep my oldest alive as a premature infant. I lost all but one of my friends and a few role models when I choose to keep her instead of giving her up for adoption. I was NOT going to tell her when she grew up that my love for her Daddy was more important than her safety. My friend contacted CPS, they talked to me over the phone and an hour or so later I found out Kurt had been arrested. 3 hours later they had a written confession from him. He went to jail that very night. I gave the police everything they asked for, coming in and writing down what happened that day, going to CPS to have my oldest and her almost 3 year old sister video recorded interviews so that they could get any evidence they could. I hid at my friends house for a month, god bless her for taking us in like that.  I never spent another night in the house we had shared. I moved my and the kids stuff out and into a new apartment. We were divorced within 3 months and when the school year was over we moved to CA and in with my parents. It took a year from his arrest to the trial. My daughter and I both had to testify. I wasn’t allowed to be in the court room when she had to testify. Kurt’s parents came to support him. They asked for liency after he was found guilty. I told them that they could have contact with Kurt OR the children not both. I haven’t talked to either one since that day. Even if the judge wanted to be lienet the minimum sentence was 25 years with no chance of early parole. I am grateful for this for a few reasons. One because by the time he gets out my children will be 31, 27 and 25 year old adults. They will have established their personalities and have done a lot of growing without him and if he chooses to try and contact them, they will be at the point where they can make that decision from an adults prospective rather than a child who wants a father or a teen who is searching for identity. Another reason I am grateful is because it gives me no opportunity to rethink my decision. Because even though I didn’t even think about staying and I have had absolutely no contact with him, I still love him and that is so hard for me. Some days I wish for the life I had before the secret. I had an involved parent in my children’s life, I had an understanding partner who helped around the house and helped me find my self-respect. I had some one who loved me and listened to me. We had dreams of a future. We rarely fought. And now all that is gone. I lived 3 years with my parents who after a while weren’t so quiet about not liking that there were 3 children in the house. My mom and I have a fragile relationship and living with her again torn at me. I am not allowed to talk about feeling or even show sadness. So trying to make sense of this situation was impossible for I had to push everything into a box and tape it shut. I am currently living with a friend as they are going through a divorce but it’s hard, because some days all I can see was the life I was suppose to have, the one we planned, and how it’s not the one I am living.  Now I have to decide each year if I tell my children’s teachers at the beginning of the year or wait for something to be said (so far every year something has been said). I have to explain to adults that my children are allowed to talk about what happened and they are not to shame or make my kids feel guilty for talking about it. I’ve had to explain to my oldest that when you tell people personal stuff that you have to trust that person to keep it to them-selves or risk them telling everyone (which has also happened). I have to trust that the teachers won’t look at my daughter any differently after they find out (which has not always happened).  I’ve had to figure out a way to explain to my younger two where their Daddy is, and why it’s a good thing that he’s there in a way that is age appropriate and without going into detail and still respecting my daughters privacy. I’ve had to deal with people getting offended when I won’t tell them why my ex is no longer in our lives.  I’ve had to deal with well-intentioned therapist who just didn’t know how to connect to my daughter. This isn’t the life I choose. No, that’s not true. I could have stayed, I could have told my daughter she was lying, or just ignored what she said or confronted Kurt and “worked it out”, I could have left with out reporting it and then wonder if I would ever go back.  I chose to report him. I chose to work with the police. I chose to let my daughters make video interviews so that when the caseworker was a victim of a DUI murder, there was still hard evidence that could be used to convict Kurt. I chose to testify. I chose not to contact Kurt. I chose not to have contact with his family if they were going to contact him. I chose. I chose my children. That’s a choice I would make again.

Gracepoint is just one more case of Mother Failure "The Mother should have known" / "knew all along"

•   

Creating and confirming prejudice  

I have followed the series Grace Point everyweek through all the episodes...(never saw the English version) Toward the end I fugured out it would come down to Joe Miller and sex. 

But in the end I was blown away at the amount of suspicion directed toward Ellie Miller's (mother) character because  the writers went right on into "Blame the mother" mode. I guess I hoped the writers wouldn't just take the lazy way out. 

But in the end Gracepoint (a fairly exciting murder mystery)   takes the conventional way out. It plays right into all too well established Prejudice against mothers, against the wives of sex-offenders.  (don't they always say: the mother was right there, how could she not have  known?)
And now the hurtful prejudice is re-established by a TV series viewed by millions of Americans. 

Talk about confirming public prejudices about working wives.

When the mother has a demanding job (like Ellie) then, they say,  She should have been more "attentive" to her husband's "needs" even if all he really "needed" was sex with some little boys...

So...the guy who is the pedophile is a (sort of) self sacrificing "hero" for taking blame in order to cover up for his son (who, you guessed it, was angy at the father because...) Meanwhile the mother "who should have prevented everything all from happening in the first place (if she had only been a good wife, a better mother) somehow gets hung out to dry at the end??? 

It figures. 

But it still hurts.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Considering Children

This is the second post in this series. Read the first post here.

After the police have left with our husband or partner in handcuffs, we are left staring into the confused and terrified eyes of our children. These most precious people make the choice of staying or leaving very complicated. Should I stay so that my children can keep their loving ties to their daddy? Or should I leave to err on the side of safety and give them the gift of an almost normal childhood?

I want you to look hard at your unique situation and try to figure out how to give your kids the greatest potential for health, stability, and happiness. This is the most difficult blog to approach because there is such a large variety of situations. You must forgive me for not being able to speak to your exact case. Please feel free to comment below, especially about how you have worked out this decision yourself. I think it is safe to generalize some basic steps for everyone: survive first, gather information second, and make a decision third.

Let's start first with those of you whose children are not victims. When your partner is taken from your household and you are told that he cannot have contact with your children - not even a card or a picture or a "hi" on the phone - you will feel like the legal system has just built a fortress wall through your family. Some of you will be okay with that, but many of you will feel a great shock of unfairness. To add insult to injury, you have a lot of people from the police and social services intruding in your life, maybe even telling you how to live it. Maybe even a few of them has questioned your ability to be a good mom if you say that you love your partner. They might even take your love for him as being supportive of his crimes. They will have a hard time understanding your hope that maybe, just maybe, he will come home again and that his relationship with your children might be salvaged.They might say you're in denial.

I don't think you're in denial just because you give your partner the benefit of the doubt. It is easy for all of the outsiders to forget that you don't have a list of evidence like they do, but instead you have years invested in a relationship. They can't take away you're children for not instantly condemning your partner. My advice is to be straight with those people intruding in your life. They do, unfortunately, have the power to put you through the ringer, so being calm and courteous is wise. Be willing to answer their questions as simply and honestly as possible (no need to give vast details or big emotional scenes). No matter how you dislike these outsiders, remember that they do care about your children's safety - you have that in common with them. If you allow them to see that you prioritize your children, they are likely to ease up on you. You may even find that you can trust some of these people and use their resources. Social workers, especially, have great ties to therapists and supportive services. It's okay to ask about these things. They won't think you're crazy if you admit that the situation has you depressed and you need to talk to someone. I had a whole courtroom talk about my depression and not a soul thought I was an unfit mother because of it.

You need to get as clear a view as possible on your partner's situation and how it will effect your children's future. To do that, you have to look at all sides of the issue, including the side that you might feel is against you. It is important to be open-minded to everything. Listening to your partner is your choice. I also strongly recommend that you also listen to all those outsiders: police, DA, social workers, court appointed advocates, etc. It is easy to dislike them because their methods are clumsy and hurtful, but you don't have to be their friend to have a cooperative relationship. Just remember that they they hold evidence and knowledge that you need in order to fully understand your situation. The social worker assigned to your case will probably have a list of the evidence and be willing to discuss it in generalities with you. Ask them about it, if they haven't already offered to go over it. Also, go to court and listen. You might be attending court already to be emotionally supportive of your partner - that doesn't mean you can't be absorbing the info you need to make wise decisions for yourself and your kids.

Besides learning about your partner's past, you need to gather info about the future. What is it like to be married to a sex offender? What kind of parental role can he play? Again, a social worker can give you some of this info. If your partner is attending treatment already, you might want to try asking the treatment providers. Asking specific questions about your partner will require his permission given formally to the therapist. Getting his permission should not be a daunting task if your partner is truly committed to building the best future possible with his own family. Let your partner know that you want to learn more about his situation and what your family's future will look like. If you get his permission, start with questions about what his treatment will look like in the coming years, how long will it take, and when he will be able to have contact with the kids again. Also ask them about the things you will have to do to have him in your life, such as becoming an Informed Supervisor. One thing that will be hard to ask, but important, is whether the treatment provider thinks your children would be in danger if you stay with your partner. 

I was able to do this with Jake's treatment provider and I learned so much. I learned that jumping through the hoops to be an Informed Supervisor doesn't mean they will automatically let you play that role. They may reject you because they feel that you are in denial, for example. They also told me about some of Jake's manipulation tactics, like fake crying and diversion tactics (puppy stories, especially). I also had a very painful but meaningful conversation with the therapist in which I said, "If he is attracted to teenagers, then my children aren't in danger because they're babies," and she pointed out, "But someday they will grow up to be teenagers." She also then pointed out that I didn't actually know the range of Jake's sexual interest, which later was revealed to include toddlers (he admitted himself, in addition to other evidence). I wouldn't have found that out without talking to the therapist and going to court.

Of course, what I had been hoping to hear from the therapist was that Jake was cooperating in their sessions and had shown sincere desire to improve. I didn't get that, but maybe one of you will get that good news from talking to your partner's therapist. Many of you won't, I'm afraid, but you will get valuable information that will help you make choices about your future.

If you don't get your partner's permission to discuss his personal case, you can still contact the treatment providers and ask if they will discuss general things like, "What does treatment look like? Who makes decisions about the treatment? How long does it take most sex offenders to reach a point of visitation with their own kids? How do you determine when an SO can talk to their kids again? What would I have to do to be an Informed Supervisor and when should I consider doing it? How much will this cost our family?" Sex offender treatment can be a confusing process that differs from state to state and even varies among areas within a state, so going straight to the people who are involved in the program will get you the best answers.

I want to mention something about time. Kids grow up fast. Whenever you get information with a number in years, like treatment or a prison sentence, you should do the math and consider how old your children will be at the end of that time. It lends perspective to everything.

To balance all this info about what it looks like to have a sex offender in the family, you should also look hard at what the alternatives would be. For most of you the alternative is being a single parent and possibly moving to a new town. There are some very obvious downsides for kids, like not having a father figure, not having a stay-at-home mom, moving away from friends, and possibly growing up on a tight budget. Some of those will be issues if you stay, too, especially the budget. Keep in mind, too, that healthy male role models can take many forms, like Grandpas and Uncles. The social stigma is also less on the child of a divorced, single parent than on the child of a felon, let alone a sex offender. But don't just imagine what it's like, call your friends who are single/divorced parents and pester them with questions. You will likely get a variety of answers ranging from "I love the autonomy of the single parent life" to "God, I wish my child had a dad." Also talk to your adult friends who grew up in single-parent families or those who had parents who stuck together despite big issues. Tell your friends about the choice you are trying to make and let them reflect on it. You don't have to take their advice, but it will give you some other facets to consider.

As you gather info, you will be mulling everything over, turning it around in your head. I really want you to imagine what your kids' lives will look like in different situations and what struggles they will have. Try to prioritize your kids in your mind and put your partner's desires second. If you find it hard to separate the two, imagine what you would do if your partner had died in a car crash. Morbid, I know, but that might be what it takes for your brain to separate him from the equation. Of course, the situations are not the same, so you won't make exactly the same decisions, but truly recognizing how it looks like with him and out of the picture helps you to be objective while finding the right path.

One warning, though, don't lean on your kids to make the decision. It is tempting to say to your little one, "Would you like to move away and make new friends at a new school? Or would you rather stay in the town where Daddy lives?" Of course it would be great to get their opinion, but they just don't have the mental capabilities of an adult to see all the issues and weigh the outcomes. Plus, they don't need the added stress of feeling like they are responsible for the whole family's future.

Now let's turn to those of you whose child or children are the victims. I will tread as lightly as possible here because I respect you and I respect your ability to find the right path. I know you want to heal your child. So make that a priority now. If there are choices in front of you, ask if they bring healing to your child. If not, find a new route.

I know you also want to heal your family and have them all together. But that is more likely to be a choice that stops the healing of your child and can place them in danger again. As Janet said in a comment on a previous blog: "It can be very very traumatizing for a child to be trapped into having to live out their childhood with the possibility of being re-molested even if you assure them you will protect them. You really can't."

Your victim child may even be saying to you, "I forgive Daddy, can he come home now?" This can make even the most staunch individual reconsider their hard-line against the offender. But don't lean on an innocent child's confusion and hurting heart to make your decision. Recognize that your child is feeling guilty for a problem they didn't create. They didn't commit this crime any more than you did. As much as you are scared of the changes happening in your life, they are a thousand times more scared. They need to be assured that you are their true guardian, committed to the protection of their healthy upbringing. The "way things were" is never coming back and that is a good thing for your child. So when they want things to go back to the old way, you should realize that is your child's way of saying they want the chaos and confusion and crying to end. You want that, too, and you can make that happen. You have the power to build a new, safe, happy life.

For all moms: Separating yourself from your partner does not shut the door to your child reconnecting with him in the future. It does not mean that healthy relationships can't be formed later in life. It is likely that your child will ask again when they are older if they can meet or communicate with their father. It is an option that can be revisited over and over. Ask yourself whether your child has reached a point of age and healing to face the situation. Ask an objective trusted person, too, like a therapist or a social worker. Keep in mind that it will be stressful because it will bring fresh memories of abuse back to the front of their mind. Also, there is the chance that their father may disappoint them again in any number of ways - can they handle that risk? Also consider that you will be the one managing any fallout. Make sure you are in a place in your life that you can handle it.

One last thing. Someday your kids will fall in love and tie themselves romantically to another person. If your child's partner has issues, at what point would you advise them to leave? You might be proud of a child who supports a partner who has issues, as long as there is hope for the future. But you wouldn't want them staying with someone dangerous or manipulative. Would you want them to hold a hurting family together for the sake of a marriage vow? Picture your children in your shoes, give them advice with love and wisdom, then take that advice yourself. You will be a great role model for your kids if you use your own life as an example.

Another Phase of The Storm: Dealing with anger before it becomes Rage: The power vested in a pair of purple stilettos (at the back of every woman's closet, of course)

Getting stuck on the "injustice of it all" (and no body is saying that injustice is not involved) but staying angry leaves us perpetually angry and well, trapped in the out-rage loop where we can stay stuck for years. While our kids grow up and try to move on and we boil over at the slightest unrelated thing.  

What the  rebellious voices of our own Anger say to us depends a lot upon on where our  anger is pointed.  Depends upon whether our anger is pointed at ourselves. Upon how much of our anger is really fear, or depression, or grief striking out or burying itself in our heart. Incest mothers, the wives and girlfriends of sex offenders must deal with anger, just as we deal with "the knock," with the judges and the social workers in different ways. Just as we have to deal with "Villagers with Pitchforks" 

Just who gets dumped with our anger sometimes just depending upon which "last straw" we are reacting to at the moment. 

It's easier to be pissed off at some hapless stranger over the counter at some store, over the phone, than to deal with the results of shouting at some social worker who has the power to make our lives hell. But then we do go off...sometimes even to our own surprise.

So what do we do with this intense anger?  This Rage?We can rationalize, suppress, deny, you know all those defense mechanisms we aren't supposed to be using either, the ones we learn about in therapy? Anger, rage even, often seems to fill the gap between "frozen with fear of exposure" and "finding ways to deal with the consequences" and "deciding we can out grow this" If nothing else we need to regulate our own anger so we don't self destruct. 

We may decide that the pleasure we might gain over killing some @#$% would only mean we would pay for our rage with the rest of our lives, would only mean another "donation" of the precious time we might have left "when all this is finally all over." (As in when we wonder, will "it" ever finally be over?" I'm here to tell you it will, eventually, but not all of "it." Rage is really hard to regulate, moderate, use to our own advantage...) 

I confess, I am angry, a lot and a lot of the time. I am Ambushed by my own anger into reacting in ways even I hardly expected in front of people who do not deserve it. Mostly not at the things or people I should be angry about. Those things, those systems, that well that expect me to be nice. 

From their perspective the wives of sex offenders are "hysterical" "paranoid" "too easily influenced" "not nice" b*tches  From their perspective we should have known all along. The sort of woman "drives men to drink" even might have driven a man to adultery or into to the bed of his own minor child? Driven him to Pornography, to watching the rehearsal of sex offenses he hadn't even yet dared?

Real grown-up Women are willing to be co-operative in everyone's best interest but they are not necessarily submissive. (Now that's an old fashioned word still taught in traditional churches to women expected to jump at the chance to marry a good provider (provided we are just not angry, that we just never show anger! I don't know how many times my mother cautioned, "Now be Nice. Just be nice." Smile pretty.) No wonder (some of  us were angry before and then more angry after we realized our betrayal.) 

Even thinking about how "this" child sexual abuse stuff is so tangled up in other power issues, well, they tell me "it" made me unreasonably angry. And I already know, as a (sort of) nice woman, raised in middle class America, I am strictly forbidden to express anger unreasonably and they get to define unreasonable. No. Suppress, deny, channel anger, turn it into depression, just never demand change never "get in anyone's face!" (and if you forget and scream, apologize over and over...never blame "it" on them. Blame it on the time of the month.)

Maybe that's why I laughed when I read about that woman in Texas who beat her (long-time) lover to death with her own purple 5-inch purple stiletto. (She said he "liked a little pain" but probably he didn't count on her loosing "it" to quite that extent!) 

Or maybe she just never figured out quite how to deal with all her suppressed "irritation. Maybe she was "on her period" Or, maybe she just never realized how depressed she really was about being stuck in that particular "long term relationship?" She had just had it with rolling her eyes and muttering "Idiot" I guess. 

Women blame themselves for their own endemic depression and all the while we continue to "smile pretty for the camera." We snap, snipe, snark, rant, gossip, lash out (quietly.) 

Then we just loose it, sort of kick off our stilettos (at least verbally) sometimes at the simplest request. Mostly we do just quickly apologize, like little kids when we are threatened (like little kids afraid we will be sent home from the party, won't be invited back by the villagers.) 

But then rage builds up, until, like that woman in Texas, we cry on the witness stand because we dared kick our shoes off, verbally I mean. And of course we do know that's not how "nice" women should behave so we apologize. Unless we "inflicted a little too much pain, like that lady in 5 inch stilettos in Texas when she kicked off her shoes and "gave him a little pain" because he liked "It." But then what male judge is going to listen to a not-nice woman who lost her temper like that?) You be the judge.

Growing up, they did tell girls that we had no right to "act like that." The message was don't use that tone of voice on power... and never, never on your husband. They will not put up with our being angry and negative "all the time."   We know that. but sometimes... I just get so darn tired of saying "Darn" instead of...!@#$%! 

Sometimes we are the most  angry at ourselves for being such "nice" women, for being Dotty-Sandusky type women who did not question, who were nice and supportive and... of course we are angry. Not just at him. We direct the anger at ourselves for falling for his load of ...Crap. 

What did Dotty do with her anger? Didn't she ever see even the possibilities in owning 5-inch stilettos? Was she so depressed that she forgot that what made her happy was not Jerry?

And when people tell me I am an angry woman it makes me angry all over again. Like when I feel pretty good and people tell me how tired I look this morning... well you know.  

Most people who suddenly realize the enormity of such an intimate betrayal as child sexual abuse are angry. Enraged even. But a lot depends upon just who/where we direct even well justified anger. When I am about to righteously Go Off,  I remind myself, women who kick off their 5 inch (purple) stilettos don't often get their kids back from the court, from the social workers... 

I remind myself that I have every right to own 5 inch stilettos but sometimes they need to stay on my feet, until I get with a friend who will understand. A friend who is not afraid of my stilettos because she has been there, done that and she too wishes she hadn't, at least not right at that moment. Every girl needs  a friend who is not ashamed to own 5 inch purple stilettos. A friend who knows how to use them, but judiciously. 

We were betrayed. Our children were sexually molested. Our life imploded because of his choices. That is the unfortunate reality we remember and deal with every day. But we don't need  to keep going off at every little thing. who knew the power vested in at least owning purple stilettos? Having a pair in the back of our closet? Owning the power to know when to kick off our shoes?

Before we kill some bystander, I am proposing a simpler thing...Interrupt anger. Say, "Just a minute" to the tirade going on in your head." Don't let our own internal prim- a-dona take center stage everyday of our lives.  Our prim-a-dona has every right to own stilettos but her anger/rage has got to at least co-exist with all the other things we need to get done. The prim-a-dona may be our secret energy, but rage cannot control us. We have to be in charge of even 5 inch purple stilettos.

 Our children are frightened enough by all the foster care, all the mixed messages, all the anger they also feel and (unfortunately) express when we are least prepared to hear them out) when we least want to listen to them blame us because "Daddy" is in jail...  

No, I am not saying  "forget and forgive" before you are ready. As I said we have every right to be angry, but we also have the power just put "it" on hold long enough to live life. We can decide to take a Short Mental Vacation like Evie suggests 
(even take a warm bath, read a book, just walk our stilettos away from betrayal for few minutes.)  

 Tell all those "nice" people who insist that you forgive, get over it, suck it up. You know all those people who have always told you, "Now, be nice...") Get "those people" out of our heads for awhile, occupy our own life, focus on loving our children, listening to them instead of the nasty voice in our head (my head) that just wants to kill something...even the messenger. 

Ever wonder what Dotty Sandusky must be feeling underneath her sweet smile?  Denial, support, loving focus on "her poor misunderstood" Jerry,  angry at all the unfairness of the way he's being treated? In Prison. On the registry? 

(By the way, the judge just denied Jerry a retrial even though Dotty humiliated herself asking for mercy for her pedophile, even while "villagers with pitch forks continue to pile blame on her.)  

How we recognize and make friends with our own anger will make a real difference in what kind of "world" we create for ourselves and our children "going-forward." It will even decide whether we go forward or stay stuck tending to his and our own "poor me" stories much like my father grew his own own Puppy Stories for the rest of his life  (see Not the Life post 6/28/14)   

So for me the "take-away" is that while it's Ok to have a pair purple stilettos in the back of our closets ( It's empowering even.) Who wants to actually walk around in 5 inch stilettos every blessed hour of every day? Stilettos make our feet hurt. They get in the way.

So... Do Not "Be Nice." Do not "smile pretty" just to make them happy. Remember the power of regulating anger. Remember the power vested in owning  a pair of 5 inch purple stilettos and...Transform. Or you can chose to follow the path of my mother who believed "puppy stories" all of her life and remember we do not all need to be Dotty Sandusky. 

Sandusky's wife says he's innocent, victims manipulated - USA Today

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/03/12/jerry-sandusky-dottie-sandusky-today-c...

Mar 12, 2014 ... Jerry Sandusky's wife says she would have known if her husband was ... Dottie Sandusky invited cameras inside for the first TV interview from 

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Facing the storm

This is the first part of the "Should I Stay or Should I go" series.

Staying or going is a common dilemma in this community. The question can mean different things to different people. It can be a question of moving to a different house in the same city or leaving the area entirely. Leaving can mean that you are leaving the relationship, such as through divorce, whether you move physical locations or just tell your ex to find a new home. Let's just agree for this conversation that leaving means the breaking of the romantic and legal relationship with your significant other, including removing all plans to share households again.

I want to start with when you should make the decision of staying or going. Some of you are at the beginning, where you have only just learned in the last few days or weeks that your partner is a sex offender, or at least an alleged one. You are being bombarded by repulsive information and offensive people. Your life has been turned upside-down and you don't recognize it anymore. Your "fight or flight" mechanisms are kicking in because your stress level is high enough that you might as well be running for your life from a pack of wolves. You can barely do anything other than survive. You are facing the storm.

I used to stand at my front door in Colorado, bathed in sunshine and cooled by a light wind, as I watched a storm come like a black wall from miles away. You can never be quite sure what the storm brings until it hits you. That wall is the "front" of the storm where the pressure is high. It is the most dangerous part. It is the first blast of a storm that brings ripping winds and smashing hail or, heaven forbid, a tornado. Behind the front is a long pelting of rain, often blowing sideways, with streaks of lightning and roaring thunder. You helplessly wonder what part of your home and yard is being destroyed. The rain will eventually fall straight down and taper away, maybe over minutes or maybe over hours. Finally, the storm is gone, but your anxieties are not because it is time to put on your coat and boots and survey the damage. You run out anxiously, finding relief in what is still standing, but also feeling pain for what is gone. There are things you must immediately tend to, like holes in rooves and broken windows that must be covered or fences that must be propped up again. Its a mess that you can't fix in one day, but you patch and clean just to make due until the sun comes up again.

Finding out that your loved one is a sex offender is like being at the front of the storm. It is a dangerous and unpredictable time. Unfortunately for us, we can't really run and hide from it, can we? The hail, wind, and rain are authority figures asking questions and we must answer. There aren't a lot of choices here - you can't leave, you must stay. You can, however, find some shelter. The best shelter I can recommend is in the wisdom and help of other people. You need people who will help keep you alive with food and emotional support. You also need people who can advise you, like possibly your own lawyer, but also any person with direct experience with the authorities you are facing, whether they are the police, the DA's investigators, Child Protective Services, or court appointed advisors. Pull together people you trust as your shelter. My first shelter consisted of the ladies from church who cleaned my house and fed us the day after I found out. I also called a legal liason with a volunteer group I belong to who gave me personal wisdom about CPS.

After the front passes, there is still the full body of the storm behind it. For us, it is the unsettling weeks or months in which we are striking a new balance in a very unpleasant situation. You become a helpless audience member of your partner's criminal proceedings. On the other side of the coin, you feel overwhelmed with the tasks of just holding the practical pieces of life together. You might feel like you have choices to make - you might even be starting to think about leaving - but it's not time yet. You can't even see clearly yet how much of your life has been altered. If you are at this point, I advise that you don't make any drastic changes yet, but keep your efforts focused on your survival and the survival of your kids, if you have any. Feed yourself, put yourself to bed, repeat. Go through the basic routines and be very forgiving with yourself if you find those hard. Grief, anger, and depression will be your biggest obstacles. Find a therapist: ask CPS if they will offer a therapist, ask you pastor, ask a good friend, call your employer's Employee Assistance Program hotline if you have one, or see what the Affordable Care Act can do for you. Your main job right now is to keep yourself alive until the storm passes.

There will also be the issue of bills and real responsibilities that demand your attention. Only do what is necessary and feasible. Only pay what is necessary and feasible. And ask for help. It is hard for most of us to do this, but you must. You will be surprised how many people want to help you, but just don't know what to do. Tell them you're family is hungry and they will bring dinner. Tell them you don't have the energy to walk your dog and they will volunteer their teenage child to do it. Give it a try. They can help you make it through this crazy time.

You must face the storm and survive until the storm is really past. I can't tell you how long it will take, but one day you will realize that you can finally see your life more clearly. You will better understand the legal process your partner is in. You will better understand the authorities you personally must deal with and the hoops they want you to jump through. You will have a grasp, if shaky, on your financial situation and at least have a plan to match your income to your bills. You will be eating regular meals and sleeping all the way through most nights. Life will seem livable, at the very least, even if its not exactly enjoyable. That is when you can survey the damage left by the storm. You will really know you have reached this point when you can identify the undamaged portions of your life, especially relationships with family and friends. Maybe you can even smile sometimes. Now, finally, you can really start patching the holes and cleaning the mess. You can start making choices. And the biggest choice you will make is whether to stay or go.

Stay tuned for the next installment.